Happy Christmas

It's Christmas. I'm happy. Family time. Beautiful musical hour of church, focused on my Savior. Hours of smiling at my niece and watching her big dimples appear as she smiles back at me.

I apologize to any of you who read my previous post. I took it down, because today is a happy day. A day I need to recognize the sweet gifts I have because of the Savior. A day to forgive, love, and be happy.

Merry Christmas.

It's time for another post

It's the Christmas season, and I feel the need to write.

My new favorite Christmas candy is this:
Deliciousness. I was first introduced to it by my step-sister, Penny. She bought some at Costco...or Winco (one of those "co" stores) and brought it to the big family Thanksgiving reunion. It was divine.

Then, my cousin-in-law, Tyler, or...let's just say cousin...brought some HOMEMADE peppermint bark over to our house about a week ago for dessert after Sunday dinner. EVEN BETTER than the "co" store's kind. Of course. Homemade is always better. And luckily, Tyler told me it was super easy to make. And it was! So I made some yesterday. One layer of melted dark (or milk) chocolate melted in a pan. Sprinkle crushed up candy canes. Let harden. Then melted white chocolate on top of that. Sprinkle crushed up candy canes on top. Let harden. Wala! Peppermint bark. Then you get to break it...which is the best part. :) Yummy!

Also this Christmas season, I've started something new.
You would not believe how much this has improved my outlook on life. I know it sounds predictable and cheesy, but it's completely true. Over a week ago my step-dad and I had a conversation about gratitude and the good it does to write things down. I decided to try it. It's been a life-saver. I find myself thinking all day long about what I will write that evening. It helps me look for the good things in my day. It's honestly such a beautiful thing and I plan to do this forever.

I've been thinking about this story.
I feel like it's such a simple, pure Christmas story and is centered on Christ in its entirety. It's a story for the lonely, the broken- or hard-hearted, the overwhelmed...and so on and so forth. It makes me tear up every time I think of its sweet message (or what I get from it, anyway). The message that Christ is there for all, no matter what goes on in our life, no matter if we're surrounded by loved ones or all alone...Christ is with us. We are never alone. He's with us, and we have this beautiful season to focus even harder on that fact.

Another thing that has been happening to me this season...
I've been crying like crazy! Can't seem to turn it off. It mostly comes on when I'm pondering someone else's life...and my heart yearns to comfort them. Or, I don't exactly know what the tears represent.... I guess just the strong desire I have for them to feel comforted by the Savior. Here's an example. A friend of mine, Heidi, whom I grew up with, died in a car accident while I was serving my mission. She was adopted by Pam, a single woman who never married. Pam happened to be my dad's high school teacher once upon a time (long before adopting Heidi). But anyway, Pam is single, raising her only grandchild, the son of her late daughter. The same year she lost her daughter, Pam's sister died from cancer. I sometimes run into her on the streets while walking, and she's told me how lonely life can get at times. I decided to get her "The Forgotten Carols" on DVD and give it to her with some homemade chocolates for Christmas. I tried to drop it by this evening, but she wasn't home. When I was explaining to my mom why I wanted to give her this gift, I couldn't even get the words out. Tears were the only thing that would come.

I'll see a homeless man holding a sign...tears. I think of couples who want to be parents. Tears. Parents with sick children...tears. Someone spending his/her first Christmas without a constant in his/her life, whether it be a spouse, a parent...a grandparent. Tears. Single adults who want an eternal companion or a direction and purpose. Tears. I don't know what it is lately...but it's like I'm feeling this strong desire to run around and hug everyone and say, "I don't know what you're going through, but the Savior does. I love you. So does he." All I do know is, the tears need to stop, because I'm sick of trying to hide my wet eyes from my co-workers. :)

I love Christmas. I love my family. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that Christ truly did come to this earth. That He was and is the truth, the light, the reason to hope, to believe, to have faith, to keep going. He cares about, loves, and knows each one of us individually. I know this. Merry Christmas everyone!

Some good things

Here are some good things that have been happening.

*I was accepted to Journalism Grad program at Georgetown University School of Continuing Studies. I was supposed to start in January, but I deferred to May.

*Two weeks ago I was at my lowest weight since I started my weight-loss journey, with a total of 21 lbs down, but I unfortunately gained 4 lbs over the grad school celebration and Thanksgiving festivities. BUT, I went jean shopping yesterday and I'm nearly down 2 pant sizes. "Nearly" means that one size down is too loose, but two sizes down is a bit snug. :) I think the snugness will go away soon though. I'm pleased with my progress. :)

*I'm following through with my plan to throw a "feed the homeless" birthday party. It's going to be great. I haven't been this excited for my birthday in YEARS.

*A friend of mine won tickets to a private Snow Patrol concert and she invited me to go with. It was super fun. I got to shake the lead singer's hand and sit super close while they were singing. I even won some prizes while I was there. :)

*We got our Christmas tree yesterday. It's a skinny one...and I like it!

*I was able to spend 4 days in the snow with my entire family. It gave me time to reflect on my life and my gratitude for my family and my past experiences. I love all of the people God has allowed me to get to know over the years.

*I love Christmas...and it's Christmas time. :)

So, while life is hard...there are plenty of little good things happening in my life every day.

Sometimes there are just no words

I was given permission by Sundy to write my own thoughts about the following. But some things are too sacred. Some are too heart-breaking. Some are too hard. Some are just too overwhelming. Some things in this life just can't be summed up in words...answered in words...consoled with words...or understood through words. This is especially hard for me...someone who has centered her life on words.

So, I've been sitting on this blog post for a while. I've wanted to write it to express my sadness. To contribute my own heart-ache to the much bigger heart-ache felt by the two people with me in this picture. But again, I'm very limited in my words.

Sundy and Tyler...honestly two of my favorite people. Sundy is my cousin...much more like a sister. We've been through the roughest of the rough together...and had some of the happiest of times together. No matter what we go through, we've remained close friends, and I love her for it. For her caring heart, her guidance, her patience and her love. Tyler is Sundy's husband. He's sincere, honest, kind-hearted and has accepted me into his life whole-heartedly. I consider him a very close friend.

They have been married since the summer I got home from my mission...I believe June 2008, and they've wanted children from the very beginning.

Their first baby's life ended at 14 weeks. I won't go into details, but I will just say it was a pretty traumatic miscarriage. I lived close to them when it happened, and I remember the deep sadness I felt and the helplessness I felt due to my lack of understanding.

They tried for a long while for a second baby. They finally got it. This time around fear was running deep. But, the 14 week mark passed. And the 15th. And the 16th. And the 17th. And they were safe. Tyler was finally accepted to med school (it's about time...he's a flippin' genius...and I'm seriously NOT exaggerating) and they were pregnant. They could breath. They'd find out the sex of their second child at 18 weeks. Things were good...great. Clouds were clearing and the sun was shining.

Three days before they were to find out their baby's sex, Sundy's water broke. At 18 weeks. They lost their baby. Their perfectly formed baby boy. They named him Truman.

I know a woman who gave birth to triplets at 21 weeks, and they survived. Truman was close...so close. But God has other plans, I suppose.

To say I'm upset is an understatement. Again, while I have used many words to explain what happened, I really have no words to express my feelings about it. It's heart-breaking. Emotional. Sad. Unfair. Confusing. I've decided these feelings are fair. We don't always need to immediately jump to the "It's okay...the Atonement is real" thoughts. Because even though I know the Atonement is real and can heal, it hurts. It hurts and it's hard and it sucks and it's painful. So right now...those are my words. Emotional. Sad. Unfair. Confusing. Sucky. Hard. Heart-breaking.

I love Sundy and Tyler. Lots and lots.

I downloaded Daughtry's latest album this morning, and while at work I listened to this song for the first time. I strained every muscle in my body to keep myself from bawling, thinking about Sundy and Tyler's two silently born children, Sterling and Truman. This is my contribution to the grieving.

What I want to be when I grow up...

Ira Glass.

This man is brilliant. Look him up. Aside from him being a man, I want to be him...or just like him. :)

Here's a thought

When I was a child, I always felt like an adult.

Now that I'm an adult, I always feel like a child.

I've got it all backwards. Do you feel like an adult? What's the secret? Marriage, kids, success? All three of those are out for me right now...what else ya got?

Thoughts

*I'm only down 1 1/2 lbs from 4 weeks ago. Booo

*I should have been keeping track of my measurements this whole time, because I know I've lost inches.

*Does the fact that my dad died from a brain tumor, but I've never been inclined to get heavily involved in "Cure for Cancer" type things trouble anyone? It troubles me sometimes. You see so many people who have lost loved ones to diseases, and they immediately jump on the awareness and find-a-cure bandwagon. I guess I feel like sometimes things are just supposed to happen, and it was my dad's time. I'm not mad at God, and I'm not mad at cancer. Maybe it's my knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. Who knows. But I do think awareness and cures are good.

*Social Work, journalism, social work, journalism. I'm going forward with the journalism school, but looking at my options in social work. Who knows...

*My niece, Perry, is adorable.

*I want to have a big get-together for my birthday this year...ON my actual birthday (Dec. 26th). But instead of a party and gifts, I want everyone to bring sack-lunch fixings, and then we'll all make lunches and give them to homeless people in downtown Portland. I REALLY want to do this. I think it would be soooooo much fun. So much. So so much. Then we can come back and have cake and ice cream. Except I don't really like cake. So, I'll think of something. I hope people will want to come to that. I'm doing it.

*Homeless stats: Families make up over 50% of the homeless population.13 % of those leave their homes because of violence or abuse. It's estimated that between 23% and 40% of homeless single adults are veterans. Within 2 to 4 years of exiting the foster care system, 25% of those foster care youth experience homelessness. About 20% to 25% of homeless single adults have a chronic mental illness.

*Homeless people have been on my mind A LOT lately. I feel for them.

I'm craving...

Sugar.

Specifically, chocolate covered raisins. I know. Weird. But I want a huge handful...really bad...right now.

Since starting the paleo way of living 2 months ago, I really haven't craved much junk food. It's really gotten rid of my sweet tooth. But, for some reason, I really want some chocolate covered raisins.

I listen to a podcast called "Latest In Paleo" and the host, Angelo Coppola, always says something that's really helped me think differently about food and about my body. He says if we give our body the nutrients it needs instead of all the junk, our body will give us something amazing in return. Freedom.

I believe it. As a Latter-day Saint I'm always hearing and learning how I need to give my spiritual self the nutrients it needs, abstain from the bad, and in turn, my spirit will be free from bondage. What makes my physical self any different? The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers me both spiritually and physically. My bodily habits are important and how I treat my body is important to God. I should treat it with the same care as I try to treat my spiritual self.

Thinking this way helps me fight the cravings...most of the time. :)

This just in...

I may go into social work instead of journalism.

I'm having an "all my friends are married-I'm 26 with no marriage prospects-I have to figure out my freaking life for myself-what will make me happy and keep me progressing if I never get to be a wife and mother" crisis/melt-down/freak-out.

I love to write. But only about things I'm passionate about. And I'm passionate about people and their struggles and triumphs. So...social work. I'm serious about this idea.

I have waisted today

I have absolutely waisted this day.

I told myself at the beginning of the week that this Saturday, today, would be the day I dedicate to writing my admissions essay for my grad school application. I've been dragging my feet on this for so long. Why? Because I'm scared. I'm scared to actually put thought to paper, send it off and get rejected. As long as I haven't done that yet, there's still a possibility of me getting accepted. The desire can still live. As soon as I actually write it and send it, it's over. No more possibility. Reality will set in.

I love to write. That's what I want to do...WRITE. I'm trying to write a paper about why I want to be a part of the school's Journalism Masters program. I'm writing about why I want to write. Write write write...the word is becoming ridiculous to me.

So, I sat in front of this laptop all day. With several breaks, mind you, but basically all day. And do you know what I came up with? Two paragraphs of crap. It sounds lovely...easily read...but has no meaning behind it. It's honestly a bunch of crap.

Brother Bennett, one of my favorite professors at BYU-Idaho, once said that there are two types of writers. The one type of writer writes and writes and writes....until finally the writing is good. That type doesn't care about crap. S/he writes several drafts of crap and plunges through til s/he finally gets a good draft. The other type of writer sits at a computer and punches out one line...then rewrites that one line until it's perfect and then moves on to the next line. The second type is more exhausting. I know, because I am the second type. I can't just forge through knowing that my work is crap. It drives me crazy. But it's a LONG tedious process.

I told myself I'd have everything submitted by the end of this month. The deadline is December 1. I'm going crazy. I need to submit this stuff. I need to be moving. I need to move. I need to live my life the way it should be lived. I need to be progressing toward something.

Why can't I write this paper? Why can't I find an intelligent, creative, intriguing way to express my qualifications and reasons for why I want to be a part of this program? Fear. Dang this stupid fear.

I need a breakthrough.

I waisted today. It makes me mad. I wanted to have a paper completed by now. Instead, I have a blog post completed.

My brother

Kevin, sporting his awkward sunburn (notice the lines on his wrists where he was wearing work gloves :)).

He's good.
He never fights.
He never gets mad. I've only seen him really mad once...and he had a decent reason.
He never talks bad about people.
He's pretty funny.
He's calm--does not overreact, unlike me.
He doesn't react to my freak outs...like, he doesn't think I'm crazy for being so emotional.
He's actually a good listener when you get him one on one.
He's a man of very few words.
He has feelings, he just doesn't share them freely with anyone...but he definitely has some tender feelings.
He's obsessed...I mean OBSESSED with sports. All sports. He knows as much about sports as I do about Amy Grant. He kind of understands my love for Amy because of his love for sports. :)
We both love to make music...that's our biggest thing in common.



I like my brother alot, a lot a lot, and I'm thankful for the time we have to live together right now. I believe in him and his good heart. I love that I'm related to such a cool guy. :)

Just as an FYI, I like my sister too. You can read about my love for her here and here. :)

I would just like to say...

I'm down 15 lbs since I started my weight loss/get fit endeavor.

I've been living a paleo lifestyle for almost two months now and I'm absolutely converted.

I got a gym membership squared away, and finally started working out.

I've slept better the last couple nights than I ever have before.

Today marks 18 years that my dad has been gone, but it's okay, because I'm that much closer to seeing him again some day. Thank goodness for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Actually, we have Heavenly Father and the Savior to thank for that...but goodness comes into play as well. :)

Happy weekend, everyone! Specifically, happy General Conference weekend. :)

I love...

Cool days, wind blowing the bushes against the side of the house, rain coloring the sidewalk darker with each drop...all while smelling a pot of soup cooking on the stove.

Fall. Lovely Fall.

New moto

I saw this as a friend's facebook status. Couldn't have come at a better time. It's my new moto.

"Better to be hated than loved for what you're not."

Amen.

Oh heavenly deliciousness

The wonderful and super fun thing about living a Paleo lifestyle is the need and opportunity to experiement with cooking. Never before have I enjoyed cooking so much. Never before have I tried so many new recipes. Never before have I used so many different spices and veggies, spices and veggies I didn't know existed.

Yesterday I tried an extremely simple recipe. Beet chips. OH. MY. WORD. I want some right now, but I don't have more beets. :(

Here's the site I got the recipe from: http://www.myrealfoodlife.com/beet-chips/

I don't really like beets. I like beet greens (cut them off the beets, steam them up...they taste like cooked spinach, which I love) but I've never really liked beets.

I LOVE beet chips. Mmmmmmm. I guess baking them sucks out all the yuckiness but leaves in all the goodness. Gosh, I've been looking for some kind of paleo snack I could really love. Beet chips and guacamole it is!

When I die...

Will my only legacy be Amy Grant?

"I remember how much she loved Amy Grant." That may be the only thing people remember about me.

On the up side...whenever people hear about Amy Grant, they think of me. Which is kind of tender. :)

I must admit...the Sara Bareilles concert was a bit more exciting than the Amy Grant concert. BUT...that only matters if you go for excitement. :) You see, Sara is like a trip to Europe, but Amy is like coming home. And I've always been a home body...not so much of a traveler. :)

Apology

I feel as though my blog posts as of late have been bitter, negative, and/or boring.

I'm sorry.

Let me explain the best way I know how. I can't and won't go into too much detail, but I'll try to explain.

Over the past couple of years I let my heart get really involved with a situation. Extremely involved. Anyone who knows me well knows that I allow my heart to get a little too involved in things/people too often. Like...I don't understand boundaries. I go overboard. That's what happened with this situation. I'm sorry if the word "situation" is vague, but it's about as far as I'm willing to go. I put a lot of energy, time, thought, TRUST, emotion and love into this situation.

This situation/experience made me think, feel and understand things in a completely different way. It kind of changed me. I saw things differently. Honestly...my views on certain topics have completely changed because of this experience/situation I invested in. Really, like I used to see things in a pink world...everything pink. And now, because of this situation, I see some things green, some things blue, some things yellow, some orange, some black...very little pink any more. Honestly...whole new colors have entered my world.

This is a good thing. And I believe the entire experience was inspired and needed. God knows me and knows what I needed...so He led me in that direction.

But, just because something's inspired or right, doesn't mean we always make the right decisions with it. My boundaries dropped too far, I got too involved...and it ended badly.

Thus, my energy, time, thought, trust, emotion and love were all given back to me, very abruptly.

And it turned me a little bit bitter. Honestly. For better or for worse, I've changed a bit. I'm not as trusting, open or as nice as I once was. Probably more trusting, open and nice than some people...but not as much as my old self.

I am, however, finally at a healing point. I'm so much better than I was a year ago, that's for sure.

Anyway, if this post is a little too emo, I'm sorry. My sister calls me "emo." Apparently that's the "in" word for emotional...overly dramatic. I guess you could say I am emotional and, more often than not, overly dramatic. I don't feel a lot of in-betweens...mostly just highs and lows. But hey...it's me.

So, I'm sorry for my boring, negative bitter blog posts. I don't want to be a negative, bitter person. So, here's my attempt to start fresh. Will you accept my blog explanation/apology?

We all go through stuff, right? :)

New Blog

It's my health blog. It's called "Uh...Paleo? Yes."

You can find it at http://crystalnoelperryhealthyliving.blogspot.com/

Follow or don't follow. But it would be fun if you followed. :) Who knows...maybe I'll become extremely hot...and get famous...and make a book out of it...and then a movie. And then I'll start my own line of clothing...and perfume...and water bottles. ;)

Right.

Paleo or bust...

Bust a button on my pants...because they were getting so tight, that is. Ba-dum-ching. (Drum sound after stupid joke)

So, I did the 30-day paleo challenge.

What is paleo, you may ask. Let me tell you.

And I quote, from Robb Wolf's blog, writer of The Paleo Solution,

"•Lean proteins that support strong muscles, healthy bones and optimal immune function. Protein also makes you feel satisfied between meals.
•Fruits and vegetables rich in antioxidants, vitamins, minerals and phytonutrients that have been shown to decrease the likelihood of developing a number of degenerative diseases including cancer, diabetes and neurological decline.
•Healthy fats from nuts, seeds, avocados, olive oil, fish oil and grass-fed meat. Scientific research and epidemiological studies show that diets rich in Monounsaturated and Omega-3 fats dramatically reduce the instances of obesity, cancer, diabetes, heart disease and cognitive decline."

Here's the deal. My sister and bro-in-law have been preaching paleo for quite a while now. "It's amazing," they'd say. "It's the only way," I'd hear. "Paleo isn't just about weight loss...it's about living healthy, avoiding disease, feeling good in your skin." Yeah yeah yeah... It wasn't that I didn't believe what they were saying, it's just that I didn't care.

Well, I listen to podcasts these days. LOTS and LOTS of podcasts. And I started listening to health podcasts. Lots of research and evidence points to paleo as a smart, good way of eating. Most kids with any form of autism are directed to the paleo style of eating...while doctors may not refer to it as paleo, it's the same style (cut out gluten and dairy.) Many obese people with severe diabetes are also directed toward the same eating habits (low carb and processed sugars...high veggies and meat). As I listened to these podcasts and heard all of the great effects...weight loss, clear skin, less mood swings, better sleep, less stomach issues...I decided it was about time I tried it.

The 30-day challenge: to live the paleo lifestyle as strictly as possible, for 30 days and see how you feel at the end of it.

Yesterday was my 30th day. I feel great. I've lost about about 10 pounds, sleep better, and feel cleaner. By cleaner...well...I just feel lighter and cleaner and a bit more energetic. I'm sure as I continue, I'll see even more results.

I've heard many arguments against paleo. Especially from Latter-day Saints. I am a Latter-day Saint. Here's the argument. "Wheat is in the Word of Wisdom. Paleo excludes wheat. I cannot condone a lifestyle that goes against the Word of Wisdom" To this I have several things to say. Which is why I've decided to start a different blog. My paleo blog. I'm going to call it "The Mormon Paleo" and it's going to track my progress, and my opinion on the lastest health news...along with my explanations of how paleo does fit into the Word of Wisdom.

I respect people's views and opinions. I don't think everyone has to live a paleo lifestyle to be healthy or lose weight. I'm not obsessed with it, and I don't look down on people who choose different eating habits or ways of pursuing healthy bodies. I just know that I've tested the 30-day challenge, and I feel wonderful. So, if you're curious to know my views on the latest health issues...or my journey on trying to make paleo an everyday lifestyle change and not just a diet craze...or how paleo isn't breaking the Word of Wisdom...please stay tuned. I'll be announcing the new address shortly. :)

Reflection and hope

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know know?
Somehow I cannot hide who I am, thought I try.
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

I love Mulan. Good movie.

I've been reflecting a lot this summer. I've done a ton of fun things, and I plan on spending some time uploading pictures from the events of my good summer.

I love my niece, Perry. I love my sister and bro-in law and the good parents they are. I love my mom and the wonderful Grandma she is. I love every aspect of this new little being in our lives.

One thing I've been feeling, however, is like a failure. A failure at life. It's hard not to compare myself to everyone around me. And, I suppose you can say I've been comparing. I'm usually not one to get jealous. And I can still say, I'm not jealous. Jealousy, to me, seems like a feeling of wishing I could have what someone else has but can't have it, and because of that, not wanting the "someone else" to have it. That's not what I feel at all. What I feel is failure. I love...absolutely LOVE that the people in my life are succeeding at everything they do. I really do love that. And I don't even necessarily want what other people have. Honestly...not sure I'm ready for a kid. Honestly...not sure I'm ready for an intense career.

What I am ready for is a direction. A purpose. I have no direction...and no purpose. I don't love where I'm at.

I'm finally making progression toward something. I'm applying to a graduate program in D.C. I'm hoping with all my heart and soul that I get accepted, because it's honestly the only thing that's excited me in the least. Every other so-called "plan" I've come up with just isn't making my heart happy or putting my mind at peace. But this D.C. prospect is. It makes me feel peace. So, I hope so much it's the right thing and works. It's the only program I've felt good about...and I've looked at TONS of programs.

So, here's to hope. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm a failure at life. I'm so tired of living day to day without a purpose. I need a direction. I'm trying to make it happen. Let's all hope together.

H--High Confidence
O--Optimism
P--Patient Perseverance
E--Enthusiasm

I will hope.

Silence

I've come to realize, over the past little while, that I don't have much important to say, and most people probably don't care or don't truly want to take "a look inside my mind." I don't have children...or an exciting job...a husband...or anything to "show off" and my simple "musings" on life just seem too ridiculous to post as of late. Lately, when I start to talk about something, I actually listen to myself and realize how insignificant my thoughts are compared to the reality of people's lives. Basically, I'm getting tired of my own thoughts and the overwhelming speed at which they move.

Hence, my absence. If I have something overwhelmingly urgent to share, I'll make sure to post.

Guess what!

I just might drop everything and move to Tennessee to chase after my singing dream.

Seriously, people.

And, no...a question mark does not belong after "guess what." It's a command, not a question. :)

Heavy heart

My heart is heavy at the moment.

Reason: Judgement and ridicule from limited minded people...and the impact those judgements can have on people's lives, faith and testimony.

Why, when we hear something "different" or that doesn't meet OUR approval about someone, we automatically start jumping to conclusions, want to talk about it...and spread our opinions, thoughts, and misunderstandings to any ear that wants to hear? Gossip. Slander. Rumors. Misinterpreted or misrepresented facts. I'm struggling with all of this.

I'm not exempting myself from this. I gossip with the rest of them. My natural man likes to jump in and talk, question, express my opinion about the lives of others. But today...it has become overwhelmingly unbearable for me.

Christ still has compassion on those who make, what we deem as, unforgivable mistakes and has compassion for the families and friends of those who make such mistakes. My heart aches for such people and families right now. So much so that I could not stop crying throughout Sacrament meeting today in church.

I wish, sooo very much, that the natural man could overcome judgement. I wish I could overcome judgement. It is so harsh and cruel. We can never know what goes on in another person's mind and heart. We can never understand the reasoning behind people's choices, actions, thoughts and feelings, because we are not that person. Only Christ and God know exactly what that person is feeling and thinking. Only They have the responsibility, maturity, and perfected hearts and minds to make those judgements.

Righteous judgement, as we often justify our act of judging with, does not include gossip, scornful looks and behind-the-back ridicule.

I'm tired. I'm tired of the natural man. I'm tired of my natural man. I'm tired of the constant battle I have with my worldly desires and nature. And I'm deeply saddened by the thought that my worldly mistakes, such as judgement and gossip, could cause others to question their testimonies and lead them down a wrong path. I know that people have a choice. They can choose to stay active in church regardless of rumors, gossip, or offense. They can choose to keep their testimonies strong. But it's extremely difficult. And I still have an obligation and duty to live in a way that will only help people stay strong in their testimonies...not make them question their testimonies.

I want to be more Christ-like. I want to lead people to Him. I hope and pray that I can continue to line my life with His Gospel. It's not just about the big things. It's easy for many of us to not kill, not commit adultery, not steal...to even not harm our bodies with substance abuse. Sometimes it's more about the small things. I hope to overcome the "small" things.

Deep Deep Trouble

Allow me to invite you into my past.

As I've stated before, many times, my dad died when I was young. So, I grip onto memories and things that remind me of him very tightly.

This is one thing that makes me think of him. The Simpsons. I don't watch the Simpsons. I've probably seen 3 episodes in my entire life. It's just never drawn me in like other shows often do. The CD "The Simpsons Sing the Blues" does draw me in, however. My dad introduced this then-tape to my sister and me when we were just teeny little children. We LOVED it, and so did he. I now have a CD, but the tape we had back then was played many many times. In fact, when I was about 5 years old, I thought it would be fun to put it into my little recorder and record over it, on this specific song, just to show how good I was at memorizing songs. So, part of the way through "Deep Deep Trouble" Bart cuts out, and I start singing. It's great. Then, Kayleen and I start singing a New Kids On The Block song. Then one of my parents finds us, I say "Oh no!" and the tape goes back to Bart to finish off the song. It's seriously a great treasure.

But anyway, here's the song. A song that lunges me back in time. Back when I was 5 and my dad was alive.



If the song offends you...take it up with my dad in the next life. :)

No title is good enough

I'm here. Louisiana. It's a beaut. Humidity wrapping you like a soggy blanket, bugs buzzing in your ears, and fire ants biting your feet. Can't get much better than this. Oh...and the people are a plus, too.

Pictures to come. :)

Anger management and other junk...

Okay. My trip to the South can't come soon enough. (Day after tomorrow...yay!)

Here are the things in my mind and life lately...

1) I have anger issues. I really do. Today, I debated and debated whether or not to download a specific audio book on itunes. It was expensive, but I had a gift card. I could have bought several other cheaper books for the price of this one, but I really wanted this one. The real stinger is, I could have gotten a paperback version for WAY cheap...used on Amazon. But I need things to listen to at work, and audio would be well worth the price because of how much I listen to things while at work. So, I downloaded it. Okay, it's Amy Grant's book, "Mosaic: Pieces of My Life So Far." Anyway...I got it. I've always been able to transfer my downloads from my laptop to my phone. All of my songs, podcasts...whatever. But not the book. It's protected or something. And it won't let me transfer it to my phone. Which brings me to my anger issues. When something I've put a lot of thought and debate into...or planning and preparation, depending on what it is, goes bad and out of my control...I FLIP. I'm serious. Swear words go off in my head, rage fills me until I just want to hit something...and forget about trying to talk to me. I don't care who you are...I'll rip into you. It's seriously a problem. And when it's over, I always tell myself I won't react that way the next time something goes wrong...but then I do. I do NOT like this about myself.

2) There's a boy who is interested in me. Whom I am most definitely not interested in back. And I'm trying to figure out how to break the news to him.

3) There's a boy I'm interested in (which I'm usually very careful to never let happen unless I know he's interested in me) and I'm almost positive he has no desire to pursue me or a relationship with me any further than he already has. Oh well. I tried.

4) I may up and move to Chicago. There's a school with a master's program I want there...but I think I'm just going to take a leap and move, even before I apply. I need to do something with my life. I need a change.

That's enough crazy for one post. Again, thank goodness I'm taking a vacation in two days. I'm going a bit stir crazy here on the home front.

If I were a super hero

Besides someone who can pick Amy Grant's voice out of all others...



Yes. I freakin' LOVE X-men. I mean, come on. Amazing. I love it. I've always loved it. Since I was little. No, I didn't read the comics. But I did watch the cartoons. And I'd play "X-men" with the little neighbor boy. I was always Rogue.

When the movies started coming out...I flipped.

I saw the latest one last weekend. I'm in love. It's put me into an X-men frenzy.

I love the story behind it. Close friends, brothers almost, but enemies. One fighting for peace...choice...chance. The other fighting for force...lack of choice. It's just a good story. And cool. And exciting.

I will not hide my love for X-men any longer. They are my heroes.

Hi

Okay. I'm writing another blog post.

I've decided that from this point forward, I will no longer care what people think about me.

This is not to be confused with the notion of giving up good manners...or just being blatantly rude and/or inappropriate. BUT, I'm just so tired of caring/worrying about what people think. I'm just done.

I just...I'm just frustrated. And hurt. And, why do I allow myself to get hurt? Especially by people who always hurt me? I just need to shut it off and not care. I've got to learn how to do that.

Example:

I say to a certain person, "So, I'm going to try out for American Idol!" It's obvious I'm excited about it. She says, "Really? Neat. Is Kevin trying out? Kevin's who really needs to try out. He'd definitely make it. He's just got such a clean, good voice." Okayyyyyy. This same person once heard a duet my brother and I sang together...and upon hearing it she said, "Wow, Kevin's amazing! I mean, you sound nice, Crystal, but Kevin. Wow. He can sing!" Yes, my brother can sing. And he is good. I love Kevin and his voice, and I'm very proud of the kid. I want him to try out for AI, and if he makes it, I will be sooooo happy for and proud of him. But why, WHY does she feel the need to continually knock me down. Why? WHY? I've been hearing variations of this kind of crap my entire life. The same person once said to me, "You're songs...they're cute. Not what you'd probably hear on the radio though." Or something like that. Seriously. What. The. Heck. I responded to that comment with my song "Words On Paper." Which I'd post, but I don't have an easy way of doing so at the moment. But, it's one of my better songs...that a lot of people like. She's never heard it...and probably wouldn't even understand it if she did.

Yeah. Most of my songs aren't sing-songy. Most of them are not about love and gooey-ness. I don't want them to be. Most of my songs take a teeny bit of brain power to understand. That might be too much to ask from some people. There are successful singer/songwriters who write about real stuff...in a deep, thoughtful way...who don't need to have repeated hits on the radio every 5 minutes. They stay true to who they are. Just because YOU don't hear their songs on the stations YOU listen to doesn't mean they don't exist and that they're not successful.

Okay. Anyway. Caring about what people think all the time just gets tiring and draining. Frustrating. Disheartening. Disturbing. Demeaning. And degrading.

I can't worry about it anymore. I may have annoying habits. Sorry. I may be emotional. Sorry. I may not be the person you want me to be. Sorry. I may get overly disappointed at times. Sorry. I may say the wrong thing sometimes. Sorry. I'm just not going to worry anymore. I'm going to be me. Try my best to live a Christlike life and be kind to others. That's all I can do.

Was this post too much out of character? Too negative? Haha...that's me caring about what you think. :) Okay, for reals. I'm done caring.........NOW.

Blog update

I have no better title in mind right now. Hence, "Blog update."

Sometimes, I sit at work and think about things I could write about. I have several blog topics running in and out of my head all day long. But then I get home and just don't write about them.

One is how I HATE using public restrooms when other people are using them. It's basically sharing a very private moment with complete strangers...or even worse, people you kind of know and have to talk to every day, but don't care to know better than the 'work setting.' Why must I be forced to pee in front of someone else? "Well, there are stalls," you say. Right. Stalls. Stalls don't mean squat to me. They do nothing for me. I might as well be peeing right in front of you. Anyway, I wasn't going to use this post to talk about my hatred towards public restrooms. I could go on and on about it. Like why people feel the need to have conversations on their cell phones in the bathroom...while I'm in a stall trying to go. Or why people feel they can bring their ten-year-old son into a women's public restroom. Or how I especially hate when you're in there with someone else who is "shy" in public restrooms...and you both just sit there...for what seems to be hours, waiting for the other to go, flush and leave before you let yourself go, but instead, you both just sit there...and it's awkward. Until FINALLY, one of you flushes, without going I might add, and leaves. Oh I hate using public restrooms. It causes major problems for me at work. Anxiety to the extreme.

Anyway...I've come up with a new idea for a book. I REALLY like this idea. I'm actually coming up with so many ideas that I might be able to make a whole book of book ideas. I've started writing one, but I'm excited for this new idea.

It's going to be another nonfiction one...journalistic style...about outcast mormons. "Outcast mormons" may come off as sounding harsh...it's just a title I have in my brain at this moment. I'm not sure how else to sum up my idea into a simple phrase. I'll work on it...and get back to you.

This has been brewing for a few weeks now. It started with an idea I got while imagining my trip back to the South (taking place two weeks from today.) I'm going to stay with this couple, the Akers, for one night while I'm there. Brother Aker has an amazing conversion story...and an amazing testimony. I want to interview him. You see, he's black. And he joined the church BEFORE black men were able to hold the priesthood. But he still believed, and he had faith he would one day be able to receive the priesthood. Anyway, I want to interview him.

This got me thinking about all the people in the church who, you'd think might want to leave the church because of all the odds against them, yet they stay because they know the gospel is true. There are all sorts of examples. And I want to tell their stories.

Okay. That's all. This post is obviously not an update about my life. Which is why I didn't title it "life update." Sorry if you're disappointed. My life is pretty darn boring at the moment. But the things that go on inside my mind...exciting. :)

A new song...of the week

THIS is a good song. Of course. Amy. Can't go wrong. Listen carefully. :)



She hasn't recorded a studio version of this, sadly.

Here are the lyrics...just to make the listening a bit easier. :)

When I handed you my heart I thought I'd put that need to bed
Oh please don't make me beg, please don't make me beg
For your time and your attention and the thoughts inside your head
Oh please don't make me beg, please don't make me beg

The meeting of our minds, the touching of our skin
We both have different ways, to let each other in

We want the same things, to be loved
We need the same things, to have enough
We want the same things, someone to trust
We need the same things, please don't make me beg

There's a man down on the corner, guitar case at his feet
Oh please don't make me beg, please don't make me beg
And he's singing out his gladness, and doing it for for free
Oh please don't make me beg, please don't make me beg

Such a simple choice, to share the things we have
He's got an angel voice, it's money that he lacks

We want the same things, to be loved
We need the same things, to have enough
We want the same things, someone to trust
We need the same things, please don't make me beg

Said the Son to the Father, must I drink from this cup
Please don't make me beg, please don't make me beg
And let my death be their redemption, every single one
Oh please don't make me beg, please don't make me beg

That man changed everything when He was lifted up
Can't you hear him say just don't run from love

Are you tired of me talking about....?

Amy Grant.

Okay okay, I know. Too many of my blog posts and conversations have been centered on her in the past. This is a post just to prove my insanity. I found it extremely hilarious. I mean, I was actually laughing at myself when this happened.

So, I listen to This American Life. I'm a big fan of it. Thanks again Tyler and Sundy--if you're reading this. Anywho... So, I'm listening to an episode of This American Life, (I listen to several a day, while I'm working) and I'm really into the story line. It's about integration between black people and white people. The specific story streaming in my ears was from a son's perspective....a son of a black father and a white mother. When the son was 12 his parents divorced, and then eventually married people of their same race, his mom marrying a white man and his dad marrying a black woman. ANYWAY.....

As the son was interviewing his mom, something caught my attention. To the average listener...this "something" would most likely be inaudible. Seriously. No joke. It seemed like the two were in the kitchen, because there were possible dishwasher noises and other kitchen type sounds, then the son and mom were very close to the microphone and their voices were pretty loud, and ALSO, the producer of the story had added some background saxophone/jazz music to go along with the feeling of the piece. So the "something" that caught my attention was practically...well, just not there to the average listener.

Guess what that "something" was... It was Amy Grant! Yes. It was playing in the home of the mom being interviewed. The first moment I recognized it...it was more of a feeling. Like, "Something seems familiar." Then I listened more intently to the background, tuning out all other sounds. "It's got to be Amy," I thought, "I can't put my finger on the song...the tune or the lyrics, but it's got to be Amy." So then I skipped back, and turned the media volume up on my phone, making the voices buzz loudly in my ears. I strained hard, focusing on just the "feeling of Amy" and, sure enough, it was Amy Grant singing "Takes A Little Time." What the....!!!

I think I have an illness. No normal person could pick that out. I'm like a super hero...whose power is to be able to ear Amy Grant's voice anywhere, any time, no matter how loud or soft.

Let me know if you ever need my super human services. It's pretty rare to meet someone with actual super hero powers.

Okay, so after I wrote this, I went back and listened to the Amy Grant part of the podcast. And, I guess the producer-added jazz music wasn't playing the majority of the Amy part. But it's still pretty remarkable, if I do say so myself. I still think I have a super human power. :)

Song Song Song

Song of the week. I. Love. Ingrid. The end.

Frustration

I'm a bit frustrated right now.

At this specific moment in time, I don't know what to do about it. So, I'm venting on my blog.

I can't find the title to my car. I own it. I bought it 2 years ago.

My plates are not current...they expired about 2 months ago. I didn't realize this until recently because...well, it's a long story.

So, I took my car in to get checked and registered, but I realized I needed to register it in Oregon because that's where I live now. (I bought the car in Utah and re-registered it in Utah last year.)

They can't register it without the title.

I don't know where my title is. Why? Because I'm irresponsible. In my defense, I know nothing about cars. I bought the car after my mission, right when I moved to Utah. I'm sure Chuck told me not to lose that piece of paper, but I don't remember. I do remember having it for a long time...keeping it in a box of a bunch of other loose papers that were important for one reason or another.

I've hauled that box around with me to many different places.

I can't have been stupid enough to throw that piece of paper away, because it's thick, and colorful and has important information on it.

But I can't find it.

When I came back home, my mom and I went through my stuff and downsized, repacking things. I've been through the "things" and still can't find it.

It takes forever and a day...plus money to get another copy of the title. Meanwhile, my temporary license is almost up. You're allowed two temporaries in a year...but what if I buy a new car before the year is up...and I need the second one then?

Or, what if I can't get a copy of the title before the second one runs out?

I need my car. I work. I need to drive to work. But I don't want to get pulled over for having expired license plates. I prefer not to brake the law when at all possible.

So, I'm frustrated. And at this point, I just don't know what to do, because I seriously couldn't have been idiotic enough to throw my title away, so it HAS to be somewhere. But where? And maybe I am idiotic enough...because I really had no clue how important it was anyway. I know...dumb. But I'd never owned something that grand before. Prior to that, I would just buy something, and it would be mine. The end. No proof needed.

Well, now I need proof. And I don't have it.

Blah.

The honest truth

This is a long post. If you have any interest in my thoughts about writing a book, death, cemeteries, and my dad...then keep reading. If none of that interests you, I suggest you just stop right now. No point in waisting your time. Honestly...it's long.

I have had thoughts, for a long while now, about writing a book. I blogged about it here only a few months ago. I had thoughts long before this, but I could never bring myself to carry out those thoughts.

Sure, I've made attempts. I've started writing...randomly, about many different things. My life. Made up stories. A boy and a girl. I usually get as far as a couple of paragraphs and think, "What the heck...this will never amount to anything. I'm done." I have many MANY saved Word documents that consist of a couple paragraphs, here and there, of the beginnings of a wished-for novel.

Well, today I believe I've had a breakthrough. This breakthrough has been coming for a while now. With thoughts and ideas coming here and there...stewing within me, coming out in my private journals.

Death.

I am going to write a book about death.

Here's the thing. I'm not a fiction writer. My strength is creative non-fiction. I thrive at that style of writing. People who do not understand the world of writing and literature sometimes think that the term "creative non-fiction" is ridiculous. That the two ideas contradict each other. But, let me tell you, creative does not mean "made up." That's what "fiction" means. We all create...in a realistic way, on a day to day basis. I have a very hard time with fiction. Maybe one day I'll get there, but for now, I'll stick to what I'm good at.

By the way, journalists are perfect examples of creative non-fiction writers. Good journalists create a text that is engaging, interesting, entertaining...yet, everything they write is true. It's all real. None of it is fictitious. If it is, they set it up as so, and if they don't...they're taken to court.

Anyway....back to death.

My book won't be in a "Once upon a time..." format. Nope. It's going to be a creative non-fiction book. And, it will quite possibly be in a loose journalistic form. But, it will be a book...not an article.

Why death?

Well, there are a couple of things that have lead me to landing on this topic.

First, my love of cemeteries. I love cemeteries. I like to go to cemeteries to think, ponder, listen, look at nature... In Rexburg, it was my happy place. That, and the Snake River. But, I'd go to the Rexburg cemetery by myself and with friends...the friends who didn't find it completely creepy anyway. Mostly just one friend, but I did take a trip out there with some roommates once too. The friend and I would stop at Horkley's, get a couple of drinks...sometimes a box of donuts and head out to the cemetery. We'd pick a shady spot, lay out a blanket...talk, look at the sky through the trees, watch the wind dance through the tall grassy field and notice the shade crawling further and further over the ground, touching every headstone while the sun got lower and lower.

Creepy? I don't think so. In fact, the thought of "creepy" never crossed my mind until my friend told me that her mother thought our "hang out" spot was a bit disturbing and odd. Then...when my roommates and I wanted one last bonding moment, I suggested, "We could go chat in the cemetery...." Most of my roommates didn't mind the idea...they were intrigued by my special spot (probably intrigued that I picked it as my special spot and wanted to see why), but one roommate absolutely refused to participate...wouldn't even discuss it. She just thought it was the weirdest thing...disturbing...didn't even want to think about spending unnecessary time in a cemetery. Since then I've asked around.... I guess a lot of people find me and my love of cemeteries strange. So, I don't talk much about it. Well...except now I'm writing about it on my blog. Maybe all of this will go in my book. :) Anyway.... I have a connection with cemeteries. I feel the peace it has to offer. The closure. The connection. I'm sure it all has to do with my dad.

Two, I don't mind hospitals. You know what? I think I'm going to use this as a moment of confession. Over the short span of my lifetime, I've made people believe I don't like hospitals. I can recall telling several people, "I hate hospitals." "Why?" people would ask me. "I had to spend a lot of time in hospitals when my dad was dying," I'd say. Well, in all actuality, I like hospitals. I like them. I think I just said I hated them because I felt guilty for liking them...like I shouldn't like them. But, I do. They, too, are places of peace to me. I don't know how to explain that. I really don't. I can try....but I don't know if my explanation will do my feelings justice. The hospital was never a bad place for me. Never. The moment the hospital became a big part of my life was when my dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor. One night he had a terrifying seizure...the next time I saw him he was normal again, in a hospital. Sure, his head was shaved...I don't know if at that time the left side of his body was paralyzed yet or not...but in my mind, he went to the hospital, and they fixed him.

Then, on our long trip from Frankfurt, Germany to Portland, Oregon (after my dad was diagnosed) we had to stay a few nights in a hospital. I remember sleeping in the hospital bed. Watching the hospital T.V. while we waited for another military flight to connect us from wherever we were to Portland. I loved it. I hated the military airplane. The food was horrible. It was loud...and we were sitting backwards while the plane was flying forwards. The hospital was refuge from the awful airplane ride.

Then, every time we went to the hospital to see my dad, we'd get told he was learning how to walk again...or use his arm again...learning how to get better...be my normal daddy again...taking medicine to make him feel better. Are you kidding? The hospital was a good place! My dad didn't die in the hospital. He died in a hospice home. Now, when I walk into St. Vincents hospital, I get a warm feeling. Feeling of memories. Memories of my live dad. Memories of childhood. I like hospitals.

Three...a conversation I had with my mom. (Remember...these "1 2 3" points are thoughts, reasons, ideas...leading to my choice of death as a book topic.) This year I've really gotten into the show "Grey's Anatomy." I watched episodes 1-6 on netflix, and now I'm caught up to the current season, which I watch weekly. I was also a fan of "E.R." and a big fan of the Lifetime show "Strong Medicine." Sometimes I talk with my mom about the medical topics of "Grey's." I don't remember what the specific story line was, but my mom said something like, "That's why I don't watch those shows. It hits too close to home. Far too familiar. It gives me a sinking feeling inside." This got me thinking. "But Mom, why do you like the crime, investigative shows?" Her favorite is "The Closer." "People die in those shows," I said. "Yeah, but someone always catches the bad guy. It's always resolved. It isn't always resolved in hospital shows." True...the hospital shows are centered more on the death. The murder/crime shows are centered more on the investigative side. This furthered my thinking. "Well, would you like those shows if you had a child or loved one murdered?" "Probably not." She said.

Which leads me into my fourth push into this subject. Today I listened to a podcast from "This American Life" about death. But not just any kind of death. It was a show dedicated to the family members of victims of murder or suicide. Their story. What they think. In this podcast I learned of an activist group consisting parents of children who've been murdered...and they group together to try to ban T.V. shows about murder investigations. They feel the shows are insensitive and inappropriate. My mom dislikes hospital shows, because of her experience. Some people dislike murder investigation shows because of their experiences. Which is worse? Which is harder?

That thought pushed me into another book-provoking thought. It lunged me back into the constant battle I had with myself as a child. The comparison battle. "Should I even feel sad? It was just my dad who died. I'm a girl. So, I should be thankful it wasn't my mom. I shouldn't seek understanding or sympathy...cry about my dad. I'm not a boy. It's harder for boys when they lose their dads. What I feel doesn't matter much. I was young. I'm a girl. It shouldn't matter. It shouldn't be that hard."

Death. It happens at all times, to all people, in all sorts of ways. I want to write a book that explores all sorts of death...from the perspective of the people left behind. What it does to them. A small boy who loses a mother to a long-term illness...watching the mom die slowly. A teen girl who loses a father in war. A grown man who loses a sister in a car accident. A mother who loses a toddler to drowning. A father who's wife has a miscarriage...or stillborn child. Parents who are still living, in their 80s, but have seen two sons pass away long before the sons should have. A best friend of someone who committed suicide. I want to explore it all. Why? Because people need it. This idea has taken hold of me and will not let go. Because of my experience, I'm always fascinated by other people's stories. How did they handle death? What's been the hardest part for them? What's been the easiest? That always makes me feel better. Think about it. When we go through a break-up...what do we like to do? We like to wallow and listen to break-up songs....watch sad movies. Our hearts ache and we appreciate that someone else can put our feelings into words. We can listen and cry and heal. I think it's the same with death.

And so, I'm going to write this book. I have a feeling that it will take a very long time. This is the very beginning. I'll have to track people down, interview, find people willing to talk about such heart wrenching subjects. It will take a lot of work to do it in an appropriate, respectable manner. But I want to do it. I need to do it.

So, I'm doing it.

American Idol

I'm super tired this morning. I guess that's what I get for voting for Lauren Alaina nearly 200 times. Don't ask me why, but I feel a bit protective of her. She better be safe tonight...or I'm done voting for this stupid show. :)

It's like lice.

You know when someone is talking about lice? All of the sudden, just as though that someone was dumping a bucket of the nearly-invisible vampires over your head, the words immediately make your scalp tingle, then itch, and before you know it, you're tearing your nails through your hair, wiggling your body, trying to rid yourself of the imaginary little creatures who almost certainly are not clinging to your hair. You know that feeling?

Well, I get that feeling every day while at work, except not about lice. I get it about my unknown career path.

It's the best way I know how to describe the feeling. Or, I could maybe compare it to hypochondriacs...people who think they have whatever disease they're reading about, or watching on T.V. That might possibly be a better way to describe it. But I discovered that a true hypochondriac is someone who thinks small symptoms are huge illnesses, not necessarily someone who thinks s/he has every disease s/he encounters. But anyway...I digress.

My work doesn't take a lot of brain power. While the data I'm dealing with is interesting, it really takes little thought, which allows me to listen to whatever I choose to let stream through my headphones.

At first, it was music. I fell in love with Pandora Radio and would constantly listen to my Ingrid Michaelson station. As I listened to each song, I would think of my own songs, my own lyrics, melodies...what I could use as backup instruments or beat patterns. I began imagining myself on stage, with small crowds at first, then larger and larger numbers, building a fan base. I imagined one of my songs coming up on the Ingrid Pandora station. I would think about new lyrics, rhymes, life experiences I could shape into interesting songs. I then started thinking of ways to possibly become a professional singer/songwriter. Move to Nashville? Start gigging around Portland? Join a songwriter's club? Put my music on youtube and myspace? Try out of American Idol and pray they found my timid, not so powerful, average voice appealing and new...? The thoughts began to overwhelm me, so I moved on to Podcasts.

"This American Life" was introduced to me by my cousins, the husband/wife team of Tyler and Sundy Anderson. Tyler told me it's his favorite podcast, so much so that he'd jog to it rather than to music. He says his ipod, along with the interesting podcasts, is the best exercise equipment in which he's ever invested. So, I tried it out. LOVE it. I've even searched for similar podcasts, and found "The Story," which I don't like quite as much as "This American Life," but I do appreciate it. So, I've listened to these for the past little bit. These podcasts have affected me in the same exact way as the music. I begin to obsess over journalism. Now, this one seems a bit more realistic than becoming a successful singer/songwriter, but when you look inside my brain and see exactly what I want to do and what I want to become, you'll see that it's not quite that far off from my singer/songwriter dreams. I've begun dreaming up topics I can create my own magazine off of...or my own radio show. And the radio show thing is crazy...because I have no experience when it comes to radio. But, the dreams are trickling into my brain, one by one, as I listen to these fascinating stories about real-life people and situations. My brain got worn out from all the endless possibilities.

So, today I tried a new station. Short Stories, read and recorded by actors in front of a live audience in a little theater in New York. Classic short stories, excerpts from longer novels, new short stories...all read by professional actors. I'm sure you've guessed it. My mind began wandering in the direction of being a novelist. What short stories could I write? If this lady could write about a woman on a bus, I can surely find something to write about and make it interesting...send it off, get it published in a specialty magazine. Dreams of making it big as a writer began to crowd my brain today, to the extent that the minuscule attention my work does require was put to my own imagination which nearly caused me to forget where I was.

So, you'd think, with all these thoughts pushing each other around within the small space my brain has to offer them, I'd want to leak them all out into a plan...act on them, pursue one of these three dreams (which all have to do with writing/storytelling in some form, I might add) in full force. But, as soon as I step through my front door, the thoughts all drop dead with exhaustion from bouncing off the walls of my brain all day.

So instead, I sit in front of my computer and watch Army Wives, desperately trying to kill all thoughts of "I could write a T.V. show like Army Wives" before they surface and become yet another obsession with no known avenue to pursue them in reality.

My brain is tired. And my scalp itches.

What We Do

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Makes me happy to sing with them.

Tickets

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to announce two amazing purchases I recently made.

Purchase #1: A ticket to this lovely event...



Yes. Amy and her good friend, Michael, are coming to the my area on September 16. FINALLY. And not really even my area...more like Washington. And I'm driving 3 hours. But I haven't seen this woman live for 8 years. It's going to be beautiful. I'm a big Michael fan as well. So, this will be one heck of a treat. My excitement is indescribable. The word "excitement" is just ridiculously insignificant compared to how I really feel. So, I'm not even going to try to explain it. I'll let you imagine it.

Purchase #2: A ticket to these lovely places...




The Mississippi sign is right. It's EXACTLY like "coming home." I'll be going "home" June 22-28. Beautiful. Can't wait to soak in that southern air and hug those beautiful people.

Who knew purchasing a few pieces of paper could be so beautiful? Best purchases I've made in a long time.

10,000 Stones

I love this song. It graced my ears at work one day while I was listening to my Ingrid Michaelson Pandora station. I think the words perfectly etch out so many people's feelings... Loving, losing, making mistakes, carrying other people's burdens, learning, growing. I love it. Definitely the song of the week...possibly of the year. :)

Secret

No one seems to know this. I didn't know this until my college years, and only then because of my chosen educational path. So, once you know, you notice the mistake everywhere...because no one seems to know it. It's a pretty well kept secret. But I'm about to unleash this powerful hidden fact. :)

The period always goes inside the quotation marks. Always. It doesn't matter if it's a complete sentence, or just quotes surrounding the last word in the sentence. The period always goes inside the quotation marks.

Sentence example: She said, "I love my dog."

Word example: I just want to be "friends."

Notice, the period is inside the quotation marks on both examples...not outside.

I know...it's a crazy thought. Especially the one word example. But it's the truth. I have plenty of editing/grammar books and writing/English/editing classes to back me up on this.

When in doubt, the period always always always goes inside the quotation marks. Now...the question mark is another story. That will be the next revealed secret. :)

Movies and life

I've watched a couple of movies lately. They've put my thinking wheels in motion.

Movie One: Eat Pray Love

I would post a picture (because, let's face it, pics always make people more interested in reading...) but I'm creating this blog post with my phone...and it doesn't like posting pics as well as my computer does.

Thoroughly enjoyed this movie. Like, extremely. Which, I was surprised, because it didn't get amazing reviews, nor did it stay in the theaters very long. So, I was expecting to get bored. Nope. Loved it. Why? Because I have felt, am feeling, or could vividly imagine feeling everything she was feeling. It was an extremely raw and real movie to me...which I'm a big fan of.

The thoughts it has spurred in my brain are these....

I think I need to find myself. I don't know who the heck I even am. I'm sick of being labeled as the "emotional one" or the "talker" or the "deep feeler" or the "person who plays it safe." Sometimes I label myself; sometimes others label me. Whether or not those descriptions fit me, why must they be my labels? I'm many different things at many different times with many different feelings going through many different experiences. Labels labels labels. Black, white. Democrat, Republican. Gay, straight. Sane, insane. Honestly....we're all just children of God. Can a label really define a person? No. There's so much more. Anyway...sometimes, more for other people's safety, I feel like I should just get lost somewhere. Truly discover who I am as a daughter of God...my potential. Meet a whole new group of people, be surrounded by a whole new environment, face unexpected and new situations. I want to get lost for a while. I probably don't NEED to in order to find myself (which, I'm sure is one of the debates this movie may cause) but it sure would be nice.

Movie Two: Soul Surfer

Cheesy. I went and saw it in the theater by myself...as part of my quest to find myself. Haha...going to a movie by myself...so adventurous. :) While it was loaded with cheese, I loved it. First, I absolutly love Helen Hunt. Favorite actress, hands down. But, it too, had a "find yourself" sort of feel. Both movies are true stories. This one about the girl who lost her arm while surfing...from a shark attack.

Thoughts it spurred....

Much of the same as movie one. Similar "find yourself...who you really are when all is stripped away" type feel. Except, it emphasised in me my love for music and the gratitude I have for the passion I feel for it. It also made clear to me that I always need to be doing what I love because I love it...and for good, true pure reasons. Not to forget who I am in anything...and never to seek praise.

So...Eat Pray Love and Soul Surfer. Who knew.

This week's song...

Think what you want about Grey's Anatomy...and about me for watching the show. It moves me. So, ever since its musical episode, this song/scene has been on my mind. I think they do a beautiful job. Powerful.

I did it.

I got rid of facebook. Yes, we all know I'll go back. Come on...I'm a communication freak...planning on getting a Masters in communications. And communications is all about the latest media technology/forms of communicating. BUT, for the time being, I'm calling it quits. It depressed me more than anything. I need some peace...

I'm keeping the blog though. I need some kind of outlet. :)

By the way...I will not commit to an amount of time I'm staying off facebook. Don't laugh if you see me back on in a week... :)

Question

Does time really heal wounds...or does it just make you forget them?

This thought has plagued me lately...as a wave of old pain recently washed over me, making it seem like I was flung back in time...

Thoughts?

If you're happy and you know it...

Sing a song! Here's my song of the week.

I wish...

I wish people would give Idaho a chance. It's so beautiful, if you just look for the beauty. There's something to be said for space. Space is needed. It's freeing. It allows your mind to rest and your heart to soar. No, it is not the green of Portland with the layers and layers of green hills and trees, but it does have its own unique beauty to offer to the human eye and soul.

Space. I like space. The only place I can truly find space at home is the ocean. And I do love the ocean. But, I love Idaho too. Especially in the summer, when the fields are green and the the sky is blue...

Idaho deserves a chance. Discover its beauty. :)

Balance

I had the privilege of viewing and/or listening to the four sessions of General Conference this weekend, and I was even able to listen to the Young Women's broadcast and the Priesthood session today on my phone while working.

I learned several things. But there's one thing I've been thinking about.

Marriage, and the desire for it.

Marriage was mentioned several times, and President Monson addressed it very strongly in the Priesthood session. It's always a similar message. "Men, get off your lazy/I-just-wanna-have-fun/I'm-too-afraid-to-commit-to-supporting-a-family butts, and go actively seek an eternal companion to take to the temple."

One talk, however, did quickly address how there are some women who aren't interested in marriage, but instead more interested in building their career.

All talks guided both men and women to actively seek marriage and to desire, pray for, and live worthy of a temple marriage.

So, here's my thing. Where's the balance for a woman? There comes a point where I believe it's healthy, I honestly believe it's healthy, for a woman to picture her earthly life without a man. JUST SO she can figure out what makes her happy and able to get through without just "getting through" and actually love life and make it fulfilling without being a wife and mother. Some women never get those opportunities, so they need to find ways to give their life meaning and purpose. I think it's healthy to think about those things.

But, at the same time, still desire it and actively seek it without getting so obsessed with it that you're just depressed when/if things don't work out the way you want them to or in your time frame.

I'm not sure I'm actively seeking it enough. By that, I mean, right now I really don't care. Honestly. It's funny really. I'm 26 and you'd think I'd be super depressed, because basically all of my friends, my age and even younger, are married with children. You'd think I'd be begging God every night for a husband. But, I don't. In fact, sometimes I go weeks without even mentioning marriage in my prayers, and then one night I'll remember, 'Oh yeah, I'm supposed to have active faith that I'll find an eternal companion,' so I then put it in my prayers.

I really figured this out a few months ago during a conversation I had with a friend. This friend was my roommate, and she's about 5 years younger than I...5 1/2, not even 21 yet. Anyway, we were talking about where we wanted to be in 5 years. She asked me first. I said, "Well, let's see... I'm really hoping in 5 years time I'll at least have a Masters. But I'd love to be working on a p.h.D and write on the side, freelancing for magazines. Maybe I'll even almost be done with my p.h.D in 5 years, and be looking for a college where I can teach." Then I said, "How about you?"

"Well, I'm hoping I'll be married and have a couple kids by then," she said. OH MY WORD!!! I busted a gut right then and there. I couldn't believe that marriage hadn't even crossed my mind while telling her my plans! Here she was, 20, telling me by the time she reached my age she wanted to be married with kids, and I didn't mention either.

This got me thinking. It's not that I don't want these things. They're beautiful things. Beautiful. It's not like I ignore men, or turn down dates when I'm asked. Shoot, I initiate conversations with guys and even invite random boys over for dinner without even knowing them that well! (Okay...not very often, but it's happened.) But, it's kind of this innate feeling I have. They won't be interested because no one has ever been interested before. And, even this thought is a lie, because I have had guys interested in me. BUUUUT...for one reason or another, it just NEVER works out. My relationships really never last long enough to even consider them relationships.

So, what am I getting at? I'm not sure. This definitely isn't a "pity me" post. Because, what I'm saying is, I don't care. I feel good. Yes, sometimes I long for companionship...for another soul to connect with my soul. But marriage? It's just something I don't think about anymore. It's a last thought. Not really on purpose, but it's just what has happened over the years. I'm not against it. It definitely is a desire and a hope. But it's not all I live for. Because if that's all I live for, I'll have a really unhappy life, unless it happens right now. Which it isn't. So...

Those are my thoughts. What is the balance? Yearn for it all the time...pray for it every night, constantly put myself out there and always have it in the back of my mind? I'm not sure I can do that...or should do that... But how do I not forget about it all together? Oh balance. I've never been good at moderation... My eating habits can attest to that fact. :)

With that said, here's my choice for the song of the week. I LOVE Ingrid Michaelson. LOVE her. She's my favorite right now (realizing that Amy Grant will ALWAYS be number one...everyone is always under her.) But Ingrid...Ingrid's great. More people need to know her. Get acquainted with her stuff. She's great.

Fifteenth: My dreams

I skipped 14...because it was ANOTHER "what you wore today" post. Not a fan.

My dreams include, but are not limited to (and are not necessarily in this order):

*Getting sealed, in one of God's temples, to a man whom I love and can connect with on all levels and who will love me back

*Having children...preferably more than two...and at least one of each sex

*Getting some or many of my songs on the radio...all around the country, not just locally...

*I really hope to be the person singing those songs...but I separate the two dreams because achieving "songwriter" status, selling my songs to other singers, is still amazing

*Writing and publishing a novel

*To live my life in a way pleasing to God, not out of fear, but out of pure and sincere desire to serve and love Him

*Be able to look God in the eye and tell Him I did my best, and to look the Savior in the eye and humbly thank Him for making it possible for me to tell God I did my best

*Become a professor...and, let's be honest, I'd LOVE to teach at BYU-Idaho for a time :)

These are my dreams as of right now...at this stage in my game of life.

Song of the week :)

I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately.



This song comes more from the significant other's view...less from a daughter...but still a good song.

It's time for the song of the week.

My favorite hymn...and of course, you can't go wrong with Amy Grant. :) I love her version of it.



This hymn recently directed me to John 15 in the New Testament...where I read how Christ refers to His apostles as His friends...and us as His friends. Verse 13 is one of many that uses the word "friends." "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." This, then, inspired me to give my talk in church (I was asked to speak about a recent scripture I had read) on how the Savior is our dearest friend and will be there when others may disappear. This is not to say we shouldn't make friends, and be good friends to those around us, but it is to say that Jesus Christ can be our friend, on a very real and personal level. I'm thankful for that.

In case you missed it on facebook...

Or don't have facebook...whoever "you" might be...here's my latest creation. I'm excited about this one because it's more than just me and the guitar. I used my home studio for it.

This is not to be confused with the upcoming song of the week. :)

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The sound quality got worse when I converted the file from wav to mp3...actually, I converted it from wav to something else, then to mp3...which could be the problem. I'm still messing around with it all. But it's so fun. :)

I have this friend...

I'm 99.9% sure this friend doesn't read my blog. So, I'm going to write about her.

Why am I writing about her? Because, I haven't written a blog post in a while. I spent some time with this friend the other day...and the deep gratitude I have for her has been pressing on my heart ever since. So, I want to express it somewhere.

This friend is older than I am. Quite a bit. Well, not like anciently older than I, but a good number. She's 15 years older. Or...14? Anyway...somewhere around there.

This friend is one of my best. Here's why:

*Length of friendship: We've been friends for the past 14 or 15 years. That's a long time.

*She listens to me. Doesn't always try to offer advice...but will if needed or called for.

*She's not a "when it's convenient" friend. She's an "always" friend. We can talk every week, or we can go months without talking. It doesn't matter. We're always friends.

*When I met her, I was 12 years old. I thought she could walk on water. I became somewhat obsessed...or...infatuated with her. She was my touchable hero, as aposed to Amy Grant, my untouchable hero. During this time, it was apparent to everyone around me that I probably had unhealthy expectations of her...alot of my "happiness" rested in her hands. I made it that way. She knew this, yet, she still remained my friend, set healthy boundaries, and loved me anyway. When she'd cancel on me, I'd freak out, get really disappointed because my "hero" had turned out to be flawed...but still, she stuck by me...rode out my disappointment and always made it up to me. I've since mellowed out...no longer infatuated, but just very appreciative.

*She's the type of friend who enhances my life...and I enhance her life. She doesn't expect anything from me...like, if I didn't call her for a year, she wouldn't be upset with me...if I forgot her birthday she wouldn't love me any less. But, while she doesn't expect these things from me, she does enjoy these things, and when I do these things, it enhances her life. It's the same way when the situation is reversed. It wasn't always that way...I used to expect a lot from her back in my younger years. But as I've gotten older, I've learned a bit more and expanded my ability to understand people's different circumstances...spouce, kids, work, life...it's all hard to juggle. So, while she may not call me as often as my younger heart disired...or send me a card on my birthday, it's okay, because when it comes right down to it, she is always constant, ALWAYS there.

*She doesn't want or need to know my secrets when I don't want to share them...but she wants to know and listen when I'm ready to share and tell.

*She sees the real me. The good me, underneath it all. So, whatever crap I tell her about myself, it doesn't matter. Because I know she can see what God sees...or pretty darn close.

I have many amazing friends. But, like I said, my friendship with her has been on my heart lately. I'm so glad for good friendships. This life is hard enough to have to go it alone.

Song of the week...this is a good one :)

Sara Bareilles knows what's up. She's got my back...always knows the perfect words for my thoughts. :) Love her voice...love her words.

Song of the Week

The song speaks for itself.

Thirteenth: This week

1) I nearly broke down on the freeway while driving to work (I don't really know...but my car sounded and felt like it was going to explode).
2) The car guys fixed my car...only $250 later my car sounds healthy again
3) I shared the gospel with a co-worker and invited her to church
3) She declined, but we're still friends
4) I watched American Idol and realized I have a crush on Steven Tyler
5) I got really disappointed while watching American Idol, realizing that neither the judges nor America recognize true talent
6) I've spent many hours with my new recording equipment and can't wait to share the latest song I've been working on...
7) I've gone to bed an hour later than I usually do, every single night this week
8) My room's a mess
9) It's rained a lot
10) Today the rain was so weird...I was driving home from work and it was just spitting at my car. Seriously...it was coming down in random spurts...really heavy at random moments. Weirdest rain I've ever encountered, especially for Oregon.
11) I've been considering deactivating my facebook account...just for a little while...we'll see.
12) Trying to take more time to read the scriptures.
13) Cried while watching Grey's Anatomy, but that's nothing new. I've been watching them on netflix...all the seasons...I cry all the time. I'm obsessed with the show.
14) Recorded a duet with my mom, "When I Am Baptized." I'm trying to get Kayleen to sing some harmony as well...but every time I ask her she's watching a show she just can't be pulled away from. Speaking of which...
15) I watched The Bachelor this week...never watch that show, but Kayleen had it on, and...well, I got sucked into the stupid drama. Good thing it's over next week.

Song of the Week

A little late this week. Try to look past the corniness of this song...it's actually really good, just made in the 70's. :)

Twelfth: What's in my bag...

I have a small purse. Never been a purse fan. From the age of 18 to about 21 I used this teeny purse...more like a velcro wallet attached to leather straps. For my 21st birthday my mom decided I needed something a bit more fashionable. I don't really care about fashion...when it comes to most things. Anyway, so I've been using that purse, a small leather shoulder purse, for the past 5 years. Well, a few weeks ago, the strap broke. So, I've been using this slightly bigger bag that says "Deseret Book" on it...nothing fancy. It's comparable to those reusable grocery bags. I got it for free when I worked at Deseret Book. So, I've stuck my strapless purse inside that bag...and a few extra things. Here's the list:

*Two pieces of sheet music (I'm the choir director in my church/ward)
*A couple pieces of junk mail
*A thing of tissues
*Pens...several of them
*A teeny 5-hour energy drink that I don't intend on drinking, but my boss gave it to me when I was interning at Deseret Book, and I keep it in my purse because it holds sentimental value :)
*A camera
*A check book
*My temple recommend
*Lots of useless little pieces of paper...like the paper holder I got my graduation tickets in...and receipts...and old wrappers :)

Eleventh: The sibs

So, here are the sibs. These are the sibs I've spent my entire life around. Love 'em to death.

Kayleen: Two years, two weeks, and a day younger than I. We fought tons growing up...now we keep it to the bare minimum.:) She's got style...major style. She's a rockin' hair dresser. Seriously, I would trust her to cut my hair blind folded. :) She loves what she does and she's great at it. Kayleen always goes for what she wants. She never wavers. When she's in, she's in all the way. She never fakes anything. She's always known what she wants and goes after it. She's hard core. Gets really passionate about things and lives what she's passionate about. She knows how to be a good friend. She's a good listener...and soooo much fun to be around. I love hanging out with her.

Kevin: Six and a half years younger than I. He was my little Kevie for so long...and somehow...someway he turned into a man when I wasn't looking. He knows how to make me laugh. He's the type of guy that definitely doesn't need to be...or ever want to be the center of attention. But he does know how to make people laugh. He's quiet. Never gets into fights...never gets mad. He just lets things roll of his back. I haven't seen him cry or yell since he was about 8 years old. He's a musical genius. He plays the piano and guitar...and plays anything and everything by ear. He writes brilliant pieces. It's like he's been writing for years, but he's been writing less than a year. I really think his stuff will be on the radio some day.

Bobby joined our family, um...well basically when I got home from my mission. That's when he started coming around all of the time. Kayleen and Bobby have been married for over a year, almost two. I think it will be two years in July...or June? I can't even remember. Shoot. Bobby is a month and a half younger than I am. When we were little kids, he always liked to tell me he was older than I was, because he was born in February, and I was born in December, and February comes before December in the year. I'd try to correct him by telling him I was born in 84 and he was born in 85...but 7-year-old boys don't usually listen to 7-year-old girls. :) Bobby and Kayleen are perfect together. He's a guy who knows what he wants and goes after it. He doesn't waste any time. He's a really funny guy. He cracks me up all the time. He's goofy funny...if you know what I mean. He'll just make random crazy noises...or start jumping up and down. He's full of energy and really knows how to have fun. He's a brilliant computer guy...and can fix any computer problem. But he hates macs. HATES macs...

Here's the Hanchett clan. We all became siblings several years ago...January of 1996, I believe. Front row, left to right: Me, Crystal (yes, two Crystals in the fam), Jonna, Heather, Kevin. Back row, left to right: Kayleen, Mike, Penny. From oldest to youngest it goes, Heather, Jonna, Mike, Penny, Crystal, me, Kayleen, Kevin.

Heather: Stay-at-home mom, has one boy and 3 girls. Her oldest, Kevin (two Kevin's in the fam as well) is waiting for his mission call, attending BYU-I. Heather's kind, soft-spoken and sensitive.

Jonna: A nurse...the kind that works with babies. She's married and has two kids, Grace and James. I took care of Grace last Spring and got really close with her. Jonna's very practical. She's got a good head on her shoulders. Makes wise decisions and is sensitive to people's needs and concerns. She's been a good friend to me...very patient with me and my emotional outbursts at times, whether over the phone or in person. Jonna didn't get married til she was 36. I respect her a TON, because she didn't make the fact that she was single her identity. She set goals and went after them and really enjoyed life...and then found a man when she least expected it.

Mike: Honestly...don't know the guy. Never lived around him and we never talk. What I know of him is, he's a nice, sensitive guy and a good father to his children. He owns his own construction business in Arizona...works hard for the money.

Penny: Another hair dresser in the family. She's got a girl and two boys. She's the type of person who can move a mile a minute. She and her daughter are best friends. She loves to shop...and she's good at it. If shopping could ever be considered a talent, Penny's got the talent. She knows how to find the best items for the cheapest price. She always comes over with the cutest outfits...or her kids are in the cutest outfits, and then she'll tell us the ridiculously low price the entire outfit was. It's amazing. She likes to be surrounded by people...never wants to be alone. She's a fun soul.

Crystal: Very tender-hearted. She lived with us for a couple of years...so I got to know her as a sister really well. She's also a hair dresser/stay-stay-at-home mom...only doing hair out of her home or other people's homes when they ask her. She's got three beautiful little girls. Crystal's that type of person who's totally beautiful, but doesn't recognize it. Or, if she does...she doesn't let on. She humble and kind.

So...there are the sibs. Glad to have them. Glad I'm not alone in this world. :)