I can't put into words...

I'm at the beloved Peterson's home. Not 5 minutes after my parents picked me up from the Salt Lake City airport last night, my cousin, Sundy, calls to welcome me to Utah because she couldn't be at the house when I got there, but wanted to make sure I knew how happy she was that I was there. As I stepped into the Peterson's entry-way, the lights were dimmed, candles were lit and the tree was bright. My aunt Nancy had lit the candles just for me, hoping to make it feel warm and Christmassy. My uncle has said, at least 4 or 5 times since I've gotten here, how wonderful it is to have me and my family with them for Christmas. My cousin, Lacey, went on a hunt for a fan and laid it on my bed for my arrival, because she knows I need white noise to sleep. Happiness continually asks, "Where's my Crystal?" always making me feel wanted. Paul gives me warm bear hugs whenever he sees me. This is my second family. I began writing the post below before I arrived... But now I just have to attempt to finish it. I love this family beyond what words can accurately describe, but I'll do my best in a simple blog post.

My dad passed away on the cusp of the holiday season of 1993. The way I often describe the feeling in our home and lives after my dad's death, especially the first year, is...winter. Dark, rainy, long nights, short days, wet, cold...hard. Winter. The feeling in our souls when my dad died was...winter. How would we make it through the dark? The sun felt so far away. Life was like a never-ending winter.

Lucky for us, the Peterson family, my Aunt Nancy (my mom's older sister) and Uncle Bob, invited us to Virginia to spend our first Christmas without my dad with them. They greeted us at the airport, and I'll never forget the smiles on their faces when we arrived. The two oldest cousins, Happy and Sundy, just gushed over us and hugged us, asking how we were and if we were excited for Christmas. The two younger cousins, Lacey and Paul, joyfully accepted us as well...excited for more friends. They brought the sun to our lives, melting the wintery feeling away. With their hugs, their laughter, their joy and excitement to have us there, their music and singing, their love. That Christmas was one that has been chiseled into my heart and memory. Sledding, singing at the DC temple visitor's center, belting Amy Grant lyrics in the car, playing games, touring the White House...it was magical. It brought the much-needed sunlight to our aching hearts.

The Peterson clan has been a source of sunlight for me ever since that time. I've lived with them twice in my life. One specific time, in particular, they were a godsend, and it wasn't a coincidence I was living with them when I did. I deeply struggled to maintain happiness and love for myself during that year, and they showered me with nothing but love and acceptance. They saved me.

I feel so lucky and blessed to spend Christmas with them and my family this year. It always feels like warm summer with the Petersons. Their home is filled with music and singing, Christmas decorations, And the feeling of the Savior's love. And let's not forget...goodies, lots and lots of goodies, many of which are dropped off by the multitude of friends they have acquired throughout  the years of their generosity and outpouring of love to others.

My heart is seriously full this Christmas season. I truly hope I can bring as much joy to people's lives as the Peterson's have brought to mine and my family's. I'm so thankful for the joy of the Savior's birth, and how Heavenly Father puts people in our lives to help us recognize that miraculous joy, even in the darkest of times.

Merry Christmas!!

Selfish Thankfulness

Every week of my existence comes and goes, and every week, sometimes daily, I have this waive of relief wash over me that I am not alone in this spot of life. And then I feel bad and selfish, because I know that nearly every woman my age would prefer to be married with children...so I feel bad being thankful that they're around to keep me company. But what I truly feel thankful for is that God keeps putting people in my life who are walking the same path. So at the end of a hard day, I can go to my roommate's bedroom and say, "I just took half a sleeping pill to knock myself out...but before I hit the hay, can you give me a pep talk about life?" And she totally gets it and gives me exactly the pep talk I need.

I feel like moms get each other. I see it all over facebook. Someone complains about their 3 or 4-year-old throwing a tantrum or being too clingy, and other moms comment and say, "I've been there; you're not alone!" Thing is...there's more of you moms out there than there are of us 30+ single women. I thank God, I literally thank Him, that He keeps putting women in similar phases of life in my own life so I can get some support. You just don't get it if you're not here. I don't get your stuff...you don't get mine. We all need people who understand our stuff. Everyone deserves a little understanding and empathy

I just truly hope I don't wake up at 47 and still find myself in this boat. Because honestly, I'll probably be the only one left...and that is when it will feel incredibly lonely.

Today.... Thank goodness it's over.

I met a gay Mormon

Last night I met a gay Mormon.

This is not hard to do. I bet you have too. I bet you're related to one. Maybe you are one. I know several. I know several extremely well.

But the unique thing about this man I met last night is...he's a convert, of less than a year. So, this Mormon convert...you see, he came out as gay many years ago. He's had a few partners in his day. A Mormon friend of his, knowing he was a gay man with past partners, invited him to church and church activities. Over the course of a couple of years, the man gained a testimony and worked his way to baptism. Now he's working his way to the temple. This is incredible to me on multiple levels.

First of all, one size does not fit all in this scenario. I just have a hard time dealing with the phrase, "If he can do it, anyone can." Look.... To choose to live a life without companionship, love and sex...for the gospel...that's a lot to ask. And let's be clear. This is not the same as living a straight celebrate life. This is not comparable to straight people who just don't have the fortune to get married in this life. These gay Mormon individuals are basically living a life hopeless of love. Sure, there could be that one miraculous person of the opposite gender out there who they may encounter in their life time who gives them the feelings someone of their own gender does. But my goodness, the odds of that are slim. It's like saying, for an extremely straight person, that you'd have to hope for the .0007% chance that you'll find that one person of the same gender who you'll love and be attracted to. Rare, right? Can't even stomach it, right? For a straight individual, hope exists to the very end. That person can continue searching for a mate until the end of time. For a gay individual, who can't stomach the idea of sharing intimacy with someone of the opposite gender...no hope, my friends. Faith in God, but they're living with virtually no hope that they'll have earthly companionship. Take the hope our of my existence...the hope for eternal companionship NOW. Well frick...I'm not sure I want to continue life. I mean, really think about it. Really. Take hope for companionship out of the equation for a single person who WANTS marriage in this life.... That is asking A LOT. This isn't equivalent to asking someone to abstain from alcohol. This isn't the same as asking a straight person to abstain from sex before marriage. This isn't asking for 10% of their income. This is asking for 100% of their heart, their mind, their sex drive indefinitely, asking them to put all eternal and physical feelings of and desire for love, unity and family aside until the unforeseeable future. Do you get that??? DO YOU GET IT? I just don't think people do. If we did, we wouldn't be running around, causally throwing the phrases, "The church isn't saying they're bad for having gay thoughts. Just for living a gay lifestyle." GAY LIFESTYLE??? Do we have straight lifestyles??? Gay people are following the most inner workings of their heart!!! They're not merely living a "lifestyle." It's not like following a diet. It is at the core of who they are. So to choose the gospel, AFTER you've experienced love and companionship, with partners of your own sex....WOW. Just wow.

I had so much respect for this man last night. I started crying when I heard his testimony. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't believe the peace he brought to the room. He said, "Don't get me wrong...being gay and Mormon is not an easy thing. It's incredibly difficult. But I know this is the path to be on to live with God one day." Woooooooowwwwwwwww.

I don't even know how to finish this post or why I'm even writing it, except to say, the courage and faith of some people ASTOUND me. It's incredible. I wish I could be half as faithful as he.

That is all.

Saving the world

The consistent prayer in my heart lately is, "Please, dear God, allow me to get through the holidays without having to verbally/mentally battle through political, church and relationship-status debates and heated conversation."

Anyway....

On to saving the world.

I have an extended family member from my dad's side, whom, when I talk to her, I always feel like I should be doing more to save the world. You may think this is a positive, worth-while feeling. Motivation to make the world a better place. But no.... I just feel resentful of the fact that her love and respect seem to depend upon whether I'm doing what, in her mind, is needed to save the world.

Here's the thing, guys. Sure, in my dream world I'd be out there fighting the good fight. Advocating for causes in which I believe. Paving ways. Saving starving children and rescuing women who are trafficked for sex. But guys...I'm tired. And sometimes it's a tremendous accomplishment to still breath and walk and talk and treat people in a civilized manor. The fact that I'm in the office today (on my lunch break, in case you're wondering) is a HUGE accomplishment. Because I litterally typed out the text to my boss, "I'm not feeling well today..." and planned on following that up with, "I'm staying home and I'll log on later." But, I stopped. Closed out of the text message...laid in bed and restelled a little more...and then got out of bed to get dressed. THAT WAS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT. Am I saving lives by going to work? No. But I feel a little more productive than I would have.

The other thing is, we don't know whose lives we're saving in our mundane day-to-day lives. For instance, this morning, when I was getting ready to go to work (but was still on the fence about actually  going all the way until I stepped out into the frigid cold to make my way to the bus stop) one of my dear cousins called me. She left me a voicemail, because my phone was on silent... But listening to her message saved me a bit. It reminded me, even on a Monday morning, when I have to wake up alone, face the week by myself...and walk out into the cold (literally and figuratively) world, I'm on someone's mind.

So, no...I'm not actively out there holding signs, creating nonprofit groups, campaigning, or arguing my point on every Buzfeed article posted to facebook. I'm getting out of bed in the morning. I'm putting one foot in front of the other. And hopefully, I'm doing what my cousin did for me today: unknowingly blessing the lives around me with the simple things.

I will not settle

I interrupt this work day to bring you this message for which I feel very strongly.

I will not settle on an eternal companion.

I'm mostly writing this in Internet land so that my brain and heart can feel at peace with my decisions.

Just because someone is a nice guy, and I have fun with him, does not mean an eternal companion he must become. If a man has food on his shirt on our third date (and we did not eat together)...and spends much of his time talking about the attractiveness scale from 1-10 and how he feels bad for nice people who are a 3 on the scale and will never find a mate because of their placement on the scale, I do not need to feel guilty about my lack of enthusiasm for a 4th date.

If a man can't connect with me, even on a basic level of friendship...if I have to convince myself that I enjoy spending time with him...and he doesn't even measure up to my experiences with my platonic friendships...I do not need to feel guilty, nor do I need to feel like I am too picky. Yes, I'm almost 31. But I am not single of my own choosing. I will not settle for something less than I deserve. And I deserve connection. I deserve respect. I deserve to feel mentally, emotionally and physically safe.

Message over. Back to work I go.

This feels familiar

This has happened to me so many times in my life...you'd think I'd get numb to the feeling. I made a dear friend in my current roommate, she's moving away, and I'm grieving the loss. I'm trying not to grieve prematurely, because she's not gone yet, but every time the subject of us moving out of our apartment is discussed, or her progress in the job hunt outside of this state is brought up...a little part of my heart hurts.

'Get over it' I tell myself. 'It's no biggie; you'll stay friends.' But it is a biggie. We will stay friends, but it will not be the same. And I'm tired of having to get over THIS scenario over and over again.

I have grown attached to so many people over the years...and then had to mourne the loss for one reason or another. Most of the time...marriage. Sometimes it's just a fork in the road and we choose different paths, which is what is happening now. She's tired of living in Seattle. I am not. Fork. Different directions.

It just gets tiring. This is why people get married. Well, one of the many reasons. Stabity, constant companionship, a forever someone. Sometimes I start to get comfortable in my make-shift family of friends and think, "Eh...what's the big deal? Who needs marriage and family?" And then my make-shift family falls apart...to progress or make their own REAL families...and I'm reminded, "Ahhhh, yes. Marriage and family is good. And I'm tired of being alone."

The upside of going through this so often is the fact that I have made so many DARN GOOD friends over the years. Buuuuuuut, I'm ready for some stability for my heart. Not to mentiom, just some physical stability. I have lived in a new place/apartment/house every year to year and a half over the past 12 years. I have not stayed in the same place longer than a year and a half! Tired. Tired of it.

My heart is ready to rest. It's ready to settle. It's ready for companionship that will last through the eternities. This is me being vulnerable. Internet world, I'M READY. Is anybody listenting?

:)

Goodnight.

Cryptic

Alanis Morissette's song "Hands Clean" perfectly depicts one of the most rewardingly torturous relationships of my life. This song literally plays out every aspect. You can find its meaning here: http://songmeanings.com/m/songs/view/51576/

Over half a decade later, I'm finally starting to come to terms. This is a pretty cryptic post. I suppose I'll include it in my memoirs one day...or turn the entire story into a novel of its own. But for now, I'm only ready for cryptic verbiage and representation through a song.

We learn from our experiences...and for that, I do not regret the relationship. But I never wish to experience it again.

You can hear/watch the song here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dH289KxkGw&sns=em

Are We Not All Beggars?

As I was walking to my bus stop a few moments ago, I came across a man sitting on the pavement in a crevice of a building, knees pulled up to his chest, arms folded over his knees, and his head buried in his arms. The sign he held was different from the average variations of "Anything helps" signs I see scattered through downtown. Etched on a small, worn, spiral notebook in blue ink, were the words, "I feel invisible.... I just need a little help." I continued walking...as Carry Underwood's "Something In the Water" streamed loudly through my headphones into my ears "Now I'm singing along to Amazing Grace...got joy in my heart, angels on my side....I am changed...now I'm stronger...there must be something in the water." As I got further and further away from him, trying to ignore the image of this invisible man in my mind, with thoughts like, "If I give every homeless person in Seattle money, I'll go broke" running through my head, the personalized nature of his plea, along with the lyrics of the song that was blasting in my ears, finally stopped me in my tracks and reminded me what the heck this life is all about. Extending mercy. Showing compassion. Living what you profess to believe. I turned around and walked up to the man. I spoke to him, and he did not look up. I tapped him, and it still took him a moment to register that someone was talking to him. We exchanged a long look of mutual respect and compassion, I gave him two dollars, and I walked away. I seriously don't know the answer to homelessness. I've done tons of research on the causes...war vets, mental illness, domestic violence, addiction, disputes between children and parents, foster children, job loss, and the list goes on. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. But ignoring it won't make it go away. And maybe...treating these people like actual people is a start to ending it. Like Elder Holland reminded me in the last LDS General Conference, are we not all beggars? It doesn't matter how they got there. Sometimes hardship is handed to me...sometimes I bring it on myself...and in both scenarios, I beg my Savior for relief, and He gives it to me. Every time. These people need some freaking relief. I'm going to do my best to give them some by SEEING them and recognizing them as my brothers and sisters in Christ.