I met a gay Mormon

Last night I met a gay Mormon.

This is not hard to do. I bet you have too. I bet you're related to one. Maybe you are one. I know several. I know several extremely well.

But the unique thing about this man I met last night is...he's a convert, of less than a year. So, this Mormon convert...you see, he came out as gay many years ago. He's had a few partners in his day. A Mormon friend of his, knowing he was a gay man with past partners, invited him to church and church activities. Over the course of a couple of years, the man gained a testimony and worked his way to baptism. Now he's working his way to the temple. This is incredible to me on multiple levels.

First of all, one size does not fit all in this scenario. I just have a hard time dealing with the phrase, "If he can do it, anyone can." Look.... To choose to live a life without companionship, love and sex...for the gospel...that's a lot to ask. And let's be clear. This is not the same as living a straight celebrate life. This is not comparable to straight people who just don't have the fortune to get married in this life. These gay Mormon individuals are basically living a life hopeless of love. Sure, there could be that one miraculous person of the opposite gender out there who they may encounter in their life time who gives them the feelings someone of their own gender does. But my goodness, the odds of that are slim. It's like saying, for an extremely straight person, that you'd have to hope for the .0007% chance that you'll find that one person of the same gender who you'll love and be attracted to. Rare, right? Can't even stomach it, right? For a straight individual, hope exists to the very end. That person can continue searching for a mate until the end of time. For a gay individual, who can't stomach the idea of sharing intimacy with someone of the opposite gender...no hope, my friends. Faith in God, but they're living with virtually no hope that they'll have earthly companionship. Take the hope our of my existence...the hope for eternal companionship NOW. Well frick...I'm not sure I want to continue life. I mean, really think about it. Really. Take hope for companionship out of the equation for a single person who WANTS marriage in this life.... That is asking A LOT. This isn't equivalent to asking someone to abstain from alcohol. This isn't the same as asking a straight person to abstain from sex before marriage. This isn't asking for 10% of their income. This is asking for 100% of their heart, their mind, their sex drive indefinitely, asking them to put all eternal and physical feelings of and desire for love, unity and family aside until the unforeseeable future. Do you get that??? DO YOU GET IT? I just don't think people do. If we did, we wouldn't be running around, causally throwing the phrases, "The church isn't saying they're bad for having gay thoughts. Just for living a gay lifestyle." GAY LIFESTYLE??? Do we have straight lifestyles??? Gay people are following the most inner workings of their heart!!! They're not merely living a "lifestyle." It's not like following a diet. It is at the core of who they are. So to choose the gospel, AFTER you've experienced love and companionship, with partners of your own sex....WOW. Just wow.

I had so much respect for this man last night. I started crying when I heard his testimony. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't believe the peace he brought to the room. He said, "Don't get me wrong...being gay and Mormon is not an easy thing. It's incredibly difficult. But I know this is the path to be on to live with God one day." Woooooooowwwwwwwww.

I don't even know how to finish this post or why I'm even writing it, except to say, the courage and faith of some people ASTOUND me. It's incredible. I wish I could be half as faithful as he.

That is all.

Saving the world

The consistent prayer in my heart lately is, "Please, dear God, allow me to get through the holidays without having to verbally/mentally battle through political, church and relationship-status debates and heated conversation."

Anyway....

On to saving the world.

I have an extended family member from my dad's side, whom, when I talk to her, I always feel like I should be doing more to save the world. You may think this is a positive, worth-while feeling. Motivation to make the world a better place. But no.... I just feel resentful of the fact that her love and respect seem to depend upon whether I'm doing what, in her mind, is needed to save the world.

Here's the thing, guys. Sure, in my dream world I'd be out there fighting the good fight. Advocating for causes in which I believe. Paving ways. Saving starving children and rescuing women who are trafficked for sex. But guys...I'm tired. And sometimes it's a tremendous accomplishment to still breath and walk and talk and treat people in a civilized manor. The fact that I'm in the office today (on my lunch break, in case you're wondering) is a HUGE accomplishment. Because I litterally typed out the text to my boss, "I'm not feeling well today..." and planned on following that up with, "I'm staying home and I'll log on later." But, I stopped. Closed out of the text message...laid in bed and restelled a little more...and then got out of bed to get dressed. THAT WAS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT. Am I saving lives by going to work? No. But I feel a little more productive than I would have.

The other thing is, we don't know whose lives we're saving in our mundane day-to-day lives. For instance, this morning, when I was getting ready to go to work (but was still on the fence about actually  going all the way until I stepped out into the frigid cold to make my way to the bus stop) one of my dear cousins called me. She left me a voicemail, because my phone was on silent... But listening to her message saved me a bit. It reminded me, even on a Monday morning, when I have to wake up alone, face the week by myself...and walk out into the cold (literally and figuratively) world, I'm on someone's mind.

So, no...I'm not actively out there holding signs, creating nonprofit groups, campaigning, or arguing my point on every Buzfeed article posted to facebook. I'm getting out of bed in the morning. I'm putting one foot in front of the other. And hopefully, I'm doing what my cousin did for me today: unknowingly blessing the lives around me with the simple things.

I will not settle

I interrupt this work day to bring you this message for which I feel very strongly.

I will not settle on an eternal companion.

I'm mostly writing this in Internet land so that my brain and heart can feel at peace with my decisions.

Just because someone is a nice guy, and I have fun with him, does not mean an eternal companion he must become. If a man has food on his shirt on our third date (and we did not eat together)...and spends much of his time talking about the attractiveness scale from 1-10 and how he feels bad for nice people who are a 3 on the scale and will never find a mate because of their placement on the scale, I do not need to feel guilty about my lack of enthusiasm for a 4th date.

If a man can't connect with me, even on a basic level of friendship...if I have to convince myself that I enjoy spending time with him...and he doesn't even measure up to my experiences with my platonic friendships...I do not need to feel guilty, nor do I need to feel like I am too picky. Yes, I'm almost 31. But I am not single of my own choosing. I will not settle for something less than I deserve. And I deserve connection. I deserve respect. I deserve to feel mentally, emotionally and physically safe.

Message over. Back to work I go.