Twenty Six

I am now 26 years old...and in my 27th year.

Here's what I learned in my 26th year of living:

1) God loves me, not because I am good, but because I'm His.
2) I am good because I'm His.
3) This life isn't a competition for who needs/uses repentance or the atonement the least...it's not like we'll line up on judgement day and hear, "Okay...whoever used the atonement the least amount gets the best reward."
4) I only really fail when I don't try.
5) I can achieve great things when I put my mind to something.
6) It's crucial to my well-being to set healthy boundaries in every relationship I have.
7) We're all just little kids wandering around this great big world, faced with our own tests and challenges, and God loves us all the same.

Must blog

This Christmas season has been much more about the Savior for me.

Reason #1: The Forgotten Carols. Beautiful. I've grown up with my mom playing the Forgotten Carols while she's cleaning/cooking in the kitchen. But honestly, I never caught the entire story before. Well, during my internship I had the chance to tag along with the cast, hang out with Michael McLean, get free tickets to the show, and help promote the tour. The lead singer of the show, Jordan Bluth, has his own Christmas CD out, and I've been listening to that NON-STOP, especially the Forgotten Carols songs he featured on the album. It's all really helped me focus on the Savior. Honestly...haven't really thought about gifts...lights...decorations...much at all this year. So thankful for the Forgotten Carols music.

Reason #2: Selfless acts of service done on my behalf. About a month ago I discovered a HUGE puddle of antifreeze under my car. Yep...bad leak. I have no money. I was freaking out. A family friend, Jeremy Anderson, fixes cars for a living. I spent Thanksgiving with his family, and he looked at my car that day. He gives me a diagnosis and says, "Bring it by the shop during my lunch hour." Yes, the man fixed my car during his lunch hour and only charged me the cost of the part...no charge for the labor. Can you believe that? I cried. I still tear up just thinking about it.

I have so much gratitude for really good people...and really good music. Happy Christmas!

It's happening

I'm beginning to freak out about my future.

What am I going to do with my life? I've been going to BYU-Idaho for so long. Now I'm graduating. Should I look for a job in my field right away? Should I go to school part time while working? Should I take whatever the heck I can get at the risk of staying in it forever and never going back to school and never accomplishing my dreams? Should I just work for a little bit, then take out loans and go to school full time? I need experience; I do. But my ultimate goal is to get a Doctorate and become a professor. What if I can't find anything in the writing field? Everything wants two or more years of experience. I wish I had connections...someone to stick their foot in the door so I can pop my head in. I need advice, people. Please. Tell me what to do. I need wise, sound advice. I'm freaking out.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to smother my worries with Christmas festivities.
Aunt Nancy, Aunt Annie, Uncle Bob and I all got together the day after Thanksgiving and dipped close to 1,200 home made chocolates. Yes. TWELVE HUNDRED. The following pictures will give you just a glimpse of all we did.




And today, Grandma and I are gettin' our Christmas on by doing a little decorating.

Grandma, winding up her little musical friend.

Makeup-less me, trying to keep it together.

More festivities...and graduation to come. :) Merry Christmas!

Tomorrow

Thanksgiving. I enjoy Thanksgiving. I especially enjoy it at home. My mom, sister, brother and I all go to down town Portland to do a little holiday shopping/celebrating the day BEFORE Thanksgiving (although, last year we did it on the Monday before because that was Kayleen's day off.) We make a whole day out of it, ride the MAX down town, shop, eat, go to a movie...good times.

On Thanksgiving I wake up early and my mom and I participate in the ward Turkey Trot. I love my home ward. Then, I help with whatever isn't finished, family starts coming over, we stuff our faces...then take forever deciding what movie we want to go see as a family. After the movie, we come home for pie.

NOT this year. Tomorrow I'll be spending the morning here in Tooele...by my lonesome. Then, I'll drive an hour and a half to American Fork...the home of some dear family friends, the Andersons. I've never spent Thanksgiving with them before, so this will be a fun treat.

BUT, I miss my family. I wish I was with these people right now...


In the spirit of Thanksgiving, however, I'll say that I am very thankful for extended family and good friends close by to share this holiday with. I'm sure it will be great. AND I get to see my family in less than a month...and I'll be spending LOTS of time with them this winter. :) Happy day of Thanks!

Broken

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my mind right now, and I know I won't be able to get them across the way I want. But we all know I like to write and share thoughts...so, sorry if I'm unclear.

We all have things in our lives we're either afraid of, not proud of, wish we could get rid of...whatever. It may be a past sin, mistake, a current and constant weakness, or all of the above. I have mine.

I've been haunted by one or more of these for several years. Over the past year I've made a lot of progress in accepting myself, loving myself, and most importantly learning to trust God's love for me.

But, for some reason, to this exact day, when referring to these weaknesses, memories, mistakes...I act like it's something stuck on me. Something that has made me less of a person...forever.

As I talked with a friend today, I did this...I referred to myself as though I have a defect. Almost before I finished my sentence to the friend, she lovingly said, "Crystal, you're not broken. You need to know you're not broken. So don't act like you are."

Huh. That struck me. So hard that I had nothing left to say. In other words, Christ makes me whole. I'm not broken, and just because of a mistake or two or a million doesn't mean I'm broken. I'll be chewing on this thought for a while.

Internship

I wrote this tag line.

Go buy Alex Boye's Christmas CD. It's rockin'.

Dancing...

With the Stars.

My favorite?


My LEAST favorite (from the very beginning basically)?


This is the first time I've ever watched this show. I'm so addicted to it...this season anyway. I get a high from it. It makes me giddy.

I kind of feel mean about how BADLY I want Brandy to go home. I just don't like watching her. She's using the show to jump start her career again. I suppose that shouldn't matter...she can do whatever she wants. BUUUUT, I love Bristol. Bristol is real. Bristol improves every week, despite how mean the judges are to her. Bristol's partner, Mark, is the nicest, sweetest guy...and had the most work cut out for him when receiving Bristol as a partner. Bristol's the most modest of the females. Despite what people say, Bristol really is a good dancer.

Even though I LOVE Bristol the most...here's how I believe it will, and probably should turn out.

First place: Jennifer Grey


Second place: Kyle Massey


Third place: Bristol Palin


Although...who knows. All the Palin haters could ban together and get rid of Bristol. It's exciting she's made it this far. Oh my word, I'm such a nerd. I LOVE this show! :)

Childhood

I had a very rich childhood when it came to friends.
I can't stand the way I look in that picture...especially up against the three twigs, BUUUUUT, they're amazing. This was at Lisa's wedding, (I was a bridesmaid...that's why I'm in that dress :)), Hailey's next to Lisa, and she was still single at the time, and then Ash, who at least had one girl I think. I don't have any accessible pics of us when we were younger, but I grew up with these three ladies, and I love them to pieces. Oh wait, I think I have a more flattering picture.
This is when Lisa and Hailey were both pregnant with their second child each...Ashleigh had two then, now three. ANYWAY, I was super blessed to grow up with these girls. Lisa and I have been friends since 4th grade, then came Hailey, then Ashleigh. I love them. They're all amazing examples to me. They've all married such good men, and are such amazing mothers to their children. I wish I could see them much more, but I love how we're still tight, even after all this time. I've cried to these girls, laughed so hard I've peed my pants, and shared many good experiences like girls camp and high adventure...even college with them. I'm definitely blessed.

Andrea was a huge part of my childhood as well. She became my Beehive (church class) leader when I was 12 and she's stuck with me ever since. I grew a very very strong attachment to this lady, and she helped me through TONS of hard times. She was my hero...and for a while I really thought she could walk on water. :) I was very blessed to have an older friend to look up to and talk to in times of need. I'm still blessed to have her in my life.

I had other childhood friends...but these 4 people were probably some of my biggest influences, and I'm super super thankful I can still call them close friends. Gosh I'm fortunate.

Homeless

I talked to a homeless guy today. His name is Michael. I can't get him off my mind.

He was sitting outside temple square, his back against a tree, a cardboard sign propped against his knee with the words "living on the streets, anything will help" written in horrible hand-writing, and a paper cup sitting on the pavement in front of him with a few quarters in it.

He was holding a cup of coffee, wearing a coat, jeans, beat up tennis shoes and a baseball cap. He had a small back pack next to him. He was a skinny guy, his hair was long, he looked a bit dirty, and he had facial hair.

I've seen people holding signs all my life. I'm from Portland.... Sometimes I give money, sometimes I give food, sometimes I just pass by...usually depending on how safe I feel and whether I have anything to offer. I once tried to offer a family some food at a rest-stop, but they only wanted money.

Today, all I had was a hand full of pennies at the bottom of my purse. So, I went over to Michael and said, "All I have are a bunch of pennies. Are you interested?" He said, "Yes please; every little bit helps."

I then knelt down on the pavement and began to talk with him while I waited for my ride. I asked him if he had some place warm to stay tonight, since it was beginning to snow. He said he lives in a tent in the mountains. I asked him if he had stuff to build a fire. He said he lives too close to a residential area; if he built a fire they'd throw him in jail. I asked him if he had any friends who stayed with him. He said that he had had one, but they had a fight and parted ways a while ago.

I asked him how long it's been since he's had a home. He said he hasn't truly lived under a roof since the early 90s. I asked him how he became homeless. He said he came from a family of drug addicts and alcoholics and he, himself got heavily involved in drugs and alcohol, then got heavily involved in theft, and then spent 18 years in prison.

He told me he's been out of prison for years, but has no identification and has a hard time finding a job without identification. It really seemed to me that he had no idea of how to even go about getting help. He says he's completely off drugs and alcohol, but is addicted to coffee and cigarettes.

I asked him if he ever goes to shelters. He said he had before, but the times he's stayed in those places, other homeless people steal whatever he does have in his backpack.

I asked him if he ever talks to God. He said, "No...I don't do that." I said, "I know it may seem like a long shot, but I'd try talking to Him. If anyone can help you out, it'll most likely be Him." He nodded his head.

As my ride pulled up I told him I would pray for him. He seemed more grateful for that than the pennies I gave him.

He has a good soul. I could tell by talking with him. He wasn't bothering people like some do, just sitting there, looking at the ground. It seemed almost like he appreciated our conversation more than anything else.

I'm really really blessed. Like REALLY blessed. I was born into a home with amazing parents, in a good situation, with the Gospel of Christ the center of it all. I'm really blessed. I'll be thinking about Michael for a while.

I LOVE...

REXBURG!!!

And I'm going there this weekend! Woot!

Who gets this excited about going to rink-a-dink Rexburg, Idaho?

I DO, I DO!

I'm gonna see people, go places, do things, and it's going to be FABULOUS. Can't wait! Some of my bestest friends are there. :) GOOD stinkin' times.

Let's all just take a moment and bask in this happiness.............................

Okay, moment over. :)

Scary movies, deadlines, graduation, living in the moment

Here are a few thoughts...

Why do people (myself included) enjoy watching scary movies? I'm talking the stupid, pointless, gross kind, where the entire movie consists of someone being chased down and terrorized, and then finally killed at the end? Why? Why did I watch that? It's like, I knew it was stupid, pointless, and filling my mind with worthless images and ideas...and yet, I was drawn to it...couldn't turn away.

I can't handle more than one big decision/process/application at one time. I just can't. Emotionally and mentally. It's like, once I get over one hurdle, I want to relax a bit before jumping the next one. A big hurdle was finding an internship. I found one, but then needed to apply for financial aid. I still haven't jumped that hurdle completely...because things keep going wrong with that stupid process. Because I've had a hard time jumping that hurdle, I never took the time to jump the GRE hurdle. Which means I've missed the deadline to take the last test for this year, and I have to wait until February. Which means I won't start grad school until the Fall...at least. I need to force myself to get enough mental and emotional momentum to continue jumping hurdles without needing a rest.

I can't believe I finally graduate from BYU-I in less than 2 months... If I can come up with enough money to pay for tuition in order to make this internship count. My time at BYU-I has been like my mission...I never thought it would end. Now that it's here...I'm super sad. I loved my time there so much. Especially this last year. GOOD times.

I've gone up and down with my internship...why did I come here, was it the right decision, are the things I'm learning worthwhile for my future...? I've decided to live in the moment. And right now I'm really appreciative of who I work with. I laugh every day, I'm learning lots, and I've made a good new friend. So, all in all, it's a good thing. There's a lot of good to be found.

I've decided that one of my purposes in life is to be a friend to people. I decided this several days ago. Just from the way my life is heading...I really just think that's one of my purposes. It doesn't mean I'm the best at it. I'm not. But I'm becoming better because of the people who allow me to be their friend. :) As I'm typing this I'm thinking of many different individuals...who have all taught me something different. I'm blessed to know the people I know. I'm blessed to have friends and to be a friend.

A quote from the movie "Marvin's Room" has stuck in my mind for years and years. The older sister, Bessie, has taken care of her dying parents for years (or one parent? It's been a while since I've seen it). She finds out she's dying from leukemia, and to her younger sister (whom she has had a strained relationship with up to this point because the younger sister didn't stay to help take care of the parents) Bessie says, "I've been so lucky, I've had so much love in my life." Lee, the younger sister, says, "Yes, they love you very much," referring to their parents. And then Lee says, "No, I'm lucky that I've been able to give so much love." That's always stuck with me...ever since watching it, years ago. I feel the same. I don't always act that way...but I feel that way, and I want to try to show and give my love better.

The Art of Happiness

So, I've been reading this book. It's by the Dalai Lama and Howard C Cutler, M.D. Last night I read a passage that really stuck out to me. It's in the chapter called "Human Warmth and Compassion." The book talks about how relationships, intimacy, compassion and so on are all major parts of our happiness. But, today in Western culture, we don't always put the right definition on these words: intimacy, compassion, romance. This specific passage is about compassion and love. The first is about the possible dangerous form of compassion...the second about the true genuine form of compassion.

The Dalai Lama says-
"...I think there is often a danger of confusing compassion with attachment. So when we discuss compassion, we must first make a distinction between two types of love or compassion. One kind of compassion is tinged with attachment--the feeling of controlling someone, or loving someone so that person will love you back. This ordinary type of love or compassion is quite partial and biased. And a relationship based on that alone is unstable. That kind of partial relationship, based on perceiving and identifying the person as a friend, may lead to a certain emotional attachment and feeling of closeness. But if there is a slight change in the situation, a disagreement perhaps, or if your friend does something to make you angry, then all of a sudden your mental projection changes; the concept of 'my friend' is no longer there. Then you'll find the emotional attachment evaporating, and instead of that feeling of love and concern, you may have a feeling of hatred. So, that kind of love, based on attachment, can be closely linked with hatred."

Wow.

"But there is a second type of compassion that is free from such attachment. That is genuine compassion. That kind of compassion isn't so much based on the fact that this person or that person is dear to me. Rather, genuine compassion is based on the rationale that all human beings have an innate desire to be happy and overcome suffering, just like myself. And, just like myself, they have the natural right to fulfill this fundamental aspiration. On the basis of the recognition of this equality and commonality, you develop a sense of affinity and closeness with others. With this as a foundation, you can feel compassion regardless of whether you view the other person as a friend or an enemy. It is based on the other's fundamental rights rather than your own mental projection. Upon this basis, then, you will generate love and compassion."

That first paragraph is so true, to me anyway. That's the type of love and compassion I've had for many people throughout my life, and I've had to learn how to rip myself away from that type of compassion, and morph into the other. The other is so much more healthy and consistent, so I've found in my own personal experience. The first type seems more sincere at first, but I hate to admit...many times it does evolve into feelings of anger toward the other person if something goes wrong. Is that true compassion? No. I don't know why I ever thought it was. Ah, life...one big learning process.

Anyway, this isn't an extremely exciting post. But it hit me, so I wanted to share. I find the Dalai Lama to be very wise. :)

Good things

*People who care
*A random text saying "thinking about you"
*A random phone call (when texting has lost its charm)
*Moms who seem to never get annoyed, no matter how much you turn to them for advice or comfort
*Seeing sister missionaries all over and surrounding Temple Square
*Seeing a good friend after a few months
*Feeling passionate about an idea
*Creating something
*A good book (I'm reading The Art of Happiness right now...by the Dalai Lama and some random psychiatrist.)
*Connecting with people
*Being trusted
*Prayer
*A bus driver who remembers you and talks to you every time you get on (guarantees you'll never miss it if your head's buried in a book when the bus arrives:))
*Music
*Good movies that make you laugh, cry, and ponder all in one sitting
*Cousins

There are more. But these are the good things filling my mind today. :)

Makeover

Let's face it. My blog has needed a pick-me-up for a long time. That other template was just...blah. But, for the past two years I just haven't wanted to deal with a new blog template, because I felt like my words should speak for themselves. I also knew I'd be really picky about the look of my blog. So, I avoided it.

Well, my cousin Lacey is with me this weekend. And she agreed that I needed a new template. So, she took me on a template ride. Just as I was afraid of, it took me FOREVER to pick one. Why do I take it so seriously? I'm not sure. I'm thinking it has to do with image.

I have a really hard time with image. That's why I love writing so much. I feel confident and capable through words...especially the written word. But my image...I still feel like a child. I don't love makeup...I don't love dressing up...I don't love doing my hair. When I try to dress like an "adult" I'm always desperate for help from a sister, cousin or friend. I hate high heels...with a passion. And I feel like I'm playing dress-up when I try to dress in a suit outfit. So, I suppose my blog is the same. What template would really portray me? I settled on this "solitude" looking template, because it's how I feel when I write.

I want my image to be inviting. I want people to feel safe, secure and important when they're around me. I don't want people to feel insecure, stupid or vulnerable around me. What kind of clothes and style portray that? Goodness, if it took me forever to choose a new blog template, imagine how long it will take me to form my own self image. :)

Faults

I can't stand when people judge or talk about people behind their backs.

But do you know what I realized today?

I talk about people who talk about people. Yep. I'm just as bad. I just target my venting/gossiping/behind-the-back-talking at people who I witness or overhear judging, making fun of, or talk about innocent (or whom I presume to be innocent) victims.

So, I realize I'm really not any better...shouldn't hold myself above...and need to focus on myself.

This is my most recently discovered fault, and newest goal to get rid of. I find these daily...I just decided to post this one for some reason. Maybe to make sure I follow through with my goal to eliminate this fault.

Adding some heat to the fire

This is my blog. I'm going to say what I feel.

President Boyd K. Packer's talk---controversial. Understandably so. I will admit right here and right now that I did not whole heartedly agree with every statement I heard, or thought I heard, coming out of his mouth. For instance, in his original address given on Sunday he states, "Some suppose that they were pre- set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, he is our Father.”

As I heard this my ears perked up, and I immediately asked the people I was with, "Did he just say that God would never allow us to be born with same gender attraction tendencies?" The people I was with agreed that this is what he said and intended.

I made a note in my journal, "Ponder and ask God if what President Packer is saying is true." And then I continued listening to the rest of conference.

I know individuals, on a personal level, who deal with different same-gender issues. What I thought I heard disturbed me, because I could understand how people, with these struggles and trials, would hurt to hear that what they've been feeling, possibly their whole lives, would never be something they were born with because God wouldn't do that to them. There are many people who have struggled with these feelings their whole lives, but they choose not to act upon their feelings. Hearing "You're not born with it, God is our Father and wouldn't do that to us," would be hard to hear...especially for people who've struggled with this for as long as they can remember.

Okay, so, I pondered and prayed. And I came to terms with what he said on my own level. Then, yesterday, I heard that Pres. Packer changed some of his talk in the printed format.

The new version changes a few things. "Some suppose that they were preset and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn temptations toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Remember, God is our Heavenly Father." He excluded the line "Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?"

You can listen to the original talk here and follow along by reading the updated version here.

The brethren are allowed to look over and alter anything that may have deterred from the intended meaning or message of the talk. See this article. Pres. Boyd K. Packer simply changed a few things in order to emphasise what he truly intended.

This is what I believe he truly intended, after praying, pondering, and now reading the altered wording. What I thought I heard was wrong. This is what I hear now, even in the original version. "Some suppose that they were pre- set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, he is our Father.” Heavenly Father would never make it impossible for us to overcome any weakness or tendency that will lead us into sin. Having these tendencies is not the sin. Giving into and acting upon the temptation is. "Overcome," to me, simply means to not give in. We can't always pray our weaknesses and tendencies away. If someone is an alcoholic, he/she will always be an alcoholic. That will never go away. But, with the help of God, an alcoholic can overcome the temptation to partake of the alcohol, and can live an alcohol free life. This goes for any weakness or tendency, mental or physical. We can't always pray them away, but we can pray for the power to overcome the temptation.

I know that Pres. Boyd K. Packer is a man of God. I know he speaks truth. I also know that it is okay to question authority, as long as I do it humbly and sincerely. Nephi didn't just follow his father blindly. He sought the inspiration and guidance from the Lord, wanting to know for himself that his father's words were true. And the Lord confirmed to Nephi that what his father said was true. (Go here to read the actual account, specifically verse 16.) I believe this is what we all must do. Questioning is not what is bad. Pride is. I'm thankful for prayer. I'm thankful for the scriptures. I'm thankful for the prophet and apostles, for the priesthood, for the restoration of the fullness of Jesus Christ's gospel. I know what I know, and my witness is true. :)

These are my thoughts and beliefs. You're welcome to share your thoughts and beliefs with me. I'm open to anything. :)

I'm doing it

I don't even care anymore. I'm writing a book. I'm doing it. I'm setting aside my fears, misgivings, and doubts about my abilities, and I'm just jumping in. I'm writing a book. I have enough experiences, emotions and thoughts to be able to spew out some kind of interesting novel. I'm doing it. Don't try to stop me.

Someone to talk to

Sometimes bus stops can be awkward...



So can bus rides, for that matter. But they're only awkward because of people's desire to do their own thing, listen to their own music, read their own book, think their own thoughts, and the list goes on. We're too afraid to talk to each other, because that would mean stepping out of our comfort zone once in a while. We all go for the emptiest looking seat, because a)we want our privacy and room to spread out and b)we want to give other people their privacy and room to spread out...not to mention we don't really want to listen to the man's loud snoring or smell any possible odor that might be lingering around the woman.

This is a big generalization...not all people are like this. But, I admit, I am like this quite frequently.

Not today. Why? Because a woman asked me when the next bus was to come, I pulled out my head phone/ear plug and responded. She walked off, but a man next to me, Kent, took the split second before I stuck it back in my ear as an opportunity to talk. And boy did the man need to talk. I learned that he was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago, and his time is winding down. I learned that he's divorced and has an 18-year-old daughter who lives with the mother. I learned that he served as a marine. I learned that he became a therapist and specializes with people who are so far into drugs that they've got nothing left...then come to him seeking help. I learned that his father was from South Carolina and had been a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I learned that his father married a woman from Guatemala (I believe) and she looked black, which caused a lot of controversy between his father and his father's father.

We talked while waiting for the bus (for 20 minutes) and then another 15 on the bus. Then, while still riding the bus, an elderly lady sat down right next to me. Once there was a break in conversation with Kent (who was sitting a couple seats over) the woman (I never discovered her name) began to talk to me for the next 30 minutes. I learned that this woman lives with her daughter in Tooele. I learned that the daughter is becoming a manager at the Starbucks in the Salt Lake airport. I learned that the woman helps do housework at hes son's house in Salt Lake while her daughter is at work. I learned that she had open heart surgery in 2005. I learned that she worked for the church her entire life. I learned that one of her sons was recently in a fire, but not hurt. I learned that she's dog-sitting one of her son's two dogs. I learned that she loves books, and if she loans her books to people, she makes sure the people will actually read her books. I learned that she had a missionary moment (invited the person to church) with another man at the bus stop earlier this morning.

I learned a lot today. These two people needed to talk. And thank goodness I was the one who got to listen.

Therapy

I like golf. A lot. It is the best therapy I've ever had. And yes, I've had other forms of therapy. :) I went out with my Grandpa a couple days ago, just to hit a bucket of balls. Every single worry and obsession completely left my brain for the hour and a half we were hitting golf balls. I've had a lot of obsessive thoughts lately. I've been going over and over the same things...getting the same results...basically driving myself crazy. As my Grandpa and I got back into the car after spending time with clubs, balls, green and sky I realized I had not thought ONE bit about any of the things I've been obsessing about. I must go back soon. Maybe today.

Free falling

*Warning: Deep, lengthy thoughts below. Read at your own risk. :)


This past year has been full of tears for me. They just fall and fall and fall. Freely. But not until I've stationed myself in a secluded environment. I've become a bit more private about my tears this year.

I've experienced great disappointment this year. Mostly in the fact that people are human, including myself, and we all hurt and get hurt...sometimes with intention behind the hurt, but more often than not, unintentionally. I know I've hurt people...mostly unintentionally. There are few times I can count where I've whole-heartedly intended on hurting someone. I do know of a few of those times...and I'm not proud of them. But, usually when I hurt someone, it's unintentional. But it happens just the same. I'm human, and sometimes I don't know how to handle delicate situations, subjects, information and so on. Sometimes I don't understand the importance of something to someone. Sometimes I don't take the time to listen. All these things are unintentional, but hurtful none-the-less.

Trust is a delicate thing. I think we all have a deep, passionate desire to be able to trust some physical, human being...completely...with everything we feel and hold inside of us. The fact is, we are all human. Even in marriage (and no, I'm not married...but I know many who are) certain information isn't handled well by the other partner at all times. And this is because we're human. We don't always know exactly how to react...nor do our views always line up with the other person's, no matter how much we love that person. I do believe that a good, Christ-centered marriage (which I'm blessed to have so many examples of from many of my friends and family) is the closest we can come to putting our whole hearts and trust into someone here in the flesh without getting completely demolished mentally and emotionally. And the only reason I believe that is the case, is because that's the way God intended it. One day, together, a sealed couple...who's made mistakes, fumbled, messed up, but continued to try, will make it to the Celestial Kingdom...man, woman, together. That's the plan. God's plan.

But sometimes...that's hard. For me, it is. Because I don't have a man. But this is not an "I hate being single" pitty party. I promise. Because even if I did have a man, all my needs still wouldn't be met. I just yearn to have someone here whom I can trust completely, confide in whole-heartedly. But in reality, that just can't happen. Only Jesus Christ and God can handle that responsibility. Or, they're the only ones who can handle it responsibly, the way it needs to be...the perfect way. But that's hard. Because I'm human.

And so, this year I've placed trust in people...or realized past trust placements...too much trust and too much information, with the expectation of perfect understanding and perfect results. This usually leads to a broken heart...painful experiences.

I often feel so wishy washy though...because I'm not saying to give up on trusting people. Not at all. Trusting and opening our hearts is a beautiful thing. God intends for us to have close friends and to help each other through difficult times. I'm just saying I need to learn and understand that everyone is human. And my hopes and happiness cannot depend on any one human being standing in front of me. That's what I meant in this post but maybe didn't get across quite so well...

Tears fell freely tonight. It's not easy being human. Luckily, Christ experienced it. So...at least He knows what I mean. :)

Out on the open road

I still haven't decided if I'm going private.... I must be pretty full of it if I think it's a big enough deal to need to think about it longer than a minute...

I've been doing a lot of driving lately. From Idaho to Oregon, then Oregon to Idaho, then Idaho to Utah, then Utah to Idaho, then Idaho to Utah again.


Good thinking time. I love open space. I love LOVE the colors green and blue, and it's so beautiful to see the blue sky touching a green field. I know I've mentioned that before...but it's true. I love it. It's breath taking. And I get to see a lot of that between Idaho and Utah.

Today, as I was driving from Rexburg back to Tooele, I thought about God. I thought about how I'm good. And you're good. We're good because God made us. And I don't need the approval or love of anyone else to know I'm good. I'm good because God thinks I'm good, and God loves me. He knows my potential, believes in me, and sees the good in me. He knows I'm good.

This, however, does not mean it doesn't feel good to hear other people say we're good. So, I will continue to remind people that they are good. You're good. You're good because you're a child of God. :)

Private?

How many of you would still read my blog if I went private? Would it be too much of a hassle?

I've been toying with the idea for a few months now...mainly because I post my songs on here. I'm not saying that my songs are amazing enough for someone to steal them...okay, maybe I am. But I'm well aware that would probably never happen...BUT you never know. So, I'd probably feel more comfortable posting stuff like that if I went private.

So, would you still read? Are "you" even out there? Maybe there's only like...2 of you, so it wouldn't really matter anyway... If you feel like expressing your opinion, let me know.

:)

Playin' with the big boys now

First day of the internship today. Fun stuff.

I never get good sleep the night prior to something big and new the next day. I definitely didn't get great sleep last night. This morning I felt like I'd throw up. My face did that weird thing it does when I'm nervous...it twitches...while I'm talking to people. Nice. But, luckily it wore off. :)

My mentor is awesome. He's so funny. My department seems awesome...really fun, funny and friendly. I had an internship orientation along with some other interns in different departments. I have to admit, I secretly thought mine was the coolest and the most fun. This is the perfect thing for me. The other interns were for publishing/editing and graphic design. I'm sure they think their department is the best...but seriously. Music and movies? I get to see how it all goes down. How stars get promoted. How Deseret Book works with stars outside of Shadow Mountain Music. I mean...seriously people. It's awesome.

I did some easy stuff today. Production things...putting CDs together. But soon I'll be writing up press releases for some up-coming CDs. Exciting stuff.

I'm tired. Really tired. And I got lost on my way home from work. Well...I didn't get lost...I just missed my exit and then tried to find a different way home...but couldn't figure it out, so I had to turn around. It took 40 extra minutes and quite a bit more gas than I'd hoped to use today.

I miss Rexburg. I miss it so much. It's been my most stable home since I graduated high school in 2003. Maybe I'll become a professor and teach at BYU-Idaho some day. :) I love it so much. Seriously. Love it.

Ah Deseret Book. I love it too. :)

Alone but happy

This time of life is interesting. Especially for a single 25-year-old. I really don't know what it would be like to not be single. Maybe I wouldn't like it...yet, I have a hard time believe that is true. :)

So, I'm living in Tooele, Utah with my Grandparents. This is the first time I've ever lived somewhere without people my own age close by.

Home (as of late): Bobby, Kayleen, Kevin and Missy Carlson

Mission: Companions

Rexburg: Roommates, classmates, ward members

So, you see, this is a new experience for me. I've never had to walk into a singles ward alone. Never had to go out and make friends. Roommates are always built-in friends. I mean, eventually I make more friends, but I always have someone to start off with.

I felt good about moving to Tooele. I had other options...possible options anyway. But something inside said, "Tooele." Maybe the Spirit. It feels right.

But, as a friend said to me yesterday, just because it's right doesn't always make it easy. Right now it's weird. It's nice to be with my grandparents. But it's weird to be alone in the sense of young people.

But I'm happy. Happy and content. I'm learning who I am. I'm changing the things I don't like about myself and trying to embrace the things I do like about myself. I'm noticing small things. Like how the wight water shooting out in the fields looks heavenly up against the blue sky. Or how the sky touches the earth over a spacious field of green.

Simplicity is key.

All powerful

There's nothing quite like nature to instill some wisdom in a person...or at least lead a person into some kind of awakening.

I love the ocean. I've always loved the ocean. It's so big. Bigger than I am. It reminds me of God. It's beautiful, powerful, and calming. It smooths the rough edges of pointy stones. It washes up beauty. It reaches deep and carries all sorts of creatures.

I was able to swim in the ocean on Monday. I realized it had the power to sweep me away. I kept getting further and further. First my knees. Then my stomach. Then my chest. Then up to my neck at times. I'd stand there, waiting for a wave to come in; then I'd jump and ride it toward the shore. Some were small waves, and some were so large they forced me under, crashing down over my head. It was exhilarating and powerful. I realized God has the ability to take me away. But he's leaving me here. For now, for some purpose. I need to be happy. And I need to take care of my life.

New discoveries

*There's only supposed to be one space between a period and another sentence. Huh...when did this happen? I was always taught to put two spaces. Interesting...

*Periods ALWAYS go INSIDE quotation marks, even when the quotation marks aren't around a sentence. Example: He says he wants us to be "friends." I don't really know if that sentence makes sense...but you get the idea.

(I discovered many more grammar/editing rules last semester...those two stuck out to me.)

*I'm allergic to mangos. I get tons of canker sours, my lips get all funky chapped like, and my entire mouth itches...inside and out, around my lips. Weird. I've never been allergic to anything before...that I knew of apparently.

*I've had short hair for the past long while, but I've let my hair grow (I need a change) and I forgot how much I love twirling it through my fingers. Unsophisticated, I know, but enjoyable.

*I love the show charmed. I'm glad TNT and WE show reruns because I never watched it when it was originally aired.

*I play my guitar more when I have free time.

*CrossFit. (Crossfit is found everywhere in every state; this is the one my sister and bro-in-law have been taking me to.) The coolest most fun exercise experience I've ever had. Check it out. You won't be sorry.

*Pants from Thai land. We're moving and that means we've been going through tons of things and getting rid of a lot. We kids have been divvying up some of my dad's things. I got his Thai pants. (He served his mission in Thai Land.) They're these silk pants that are kind of like one size fits all, and you tie the remaining fabric in a knot to fit you. I LOVE these pants.

Discovering new things is fun. :)

Two things

First:
I LOVE this show. My roommies got me hooked last semester. Aside from Roseanne, I don't think I've ever laughed as hard as I do while watching a show as I do during this one. In fact, probably a little more than Roseanne. I must love the first name TV shows.
Reba. Oh how I love it.

Second:

I love this song. The music video is touching. Watch it. It brings me to tears.

That's all for now. :)

New experiences

Starting in September, I'll become really familiar with this company...



Where I'll be participating in PR work on behalf of...



And...



Life is changing. I'm excited.

Lookin' like a hot mess

This is my most recent song. I didn't do my hair today...hence the hoodie. I wear a hood all day long on occasion...when I'm not going anywhere. :) Anyway...new song. Pretty simple. No name yet. It's kind of different from songs I've written before. Not all songs can have happy endings.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Yesterday

Marked two years since I've been home from my mission.



I loved the experience. I love the people I met. I love the memories I made. I especially love the lessons I learned.

Theme Song

I love this song. I can't express the emotions it stirs within me. I think it's absolutely beautiful. I hope one day I can say the same words the last verse says. If I can, this will be the theme song for my life.

Eggs and thoughts

You know that part in "Runaway Bride"?



My problem is, I love all the eggs. All of them. I love eggs. LOVE them.

I feel this way with thoughts.



I'm a deep thinker. People tell me I think too much. That I need to get out of my head. I love thoughts and ideas. I'm always seeking people's opinions, approval, thoughts, ideas. What are my thoughts? Which ones do I believe?

How do you sort through thoughts and choose the ones you like? They're not quite like eggs...

Gettin' excited...

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, SATURDAY I'm HOME! I love Oregon! Four more complete days until I'm with the fam. Can't wait!

An end in sight...

After a full year of non-stop school, I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. After this week I'll have completed all the classes necessary for graduation. I now need to complete an internship. Let's hope I find one...

Sleep deprived...

I deleted my last post. For those of you who were unfortunate enough to read it, I apologize. I'm not sure what has gotten into me lately. Seriously, I'm just going off on anything and everything I'm thinking...deep or superficial. I suppose, even though this is a look inside my mind, you don't need to see every detail of my mind. So please, forgive some of my interesting and random posts. It's the last two weeks of the semester...I'm sleep deprived.

Trap

Sometimes I feel like an animal. I smell or see something good. The closer I get, the more it seems as though it can't be real. And then, without warning, the claws of temptation clutch into my heart, mind and soul.

You'd think I'd learn. My heart is tired from all the hits.

Blindly wandering around

*Warning: The following post is not well structured or well written. I just quickly spewed my thoughts out without going back to fine tune. Sorry.

The past few posts have been deeper than the average blog post. No pictures...no funny stories or thoughts. Mostly deep thoughts. I know it's not as exciting, and it's all just my own take on the world around me..."a look inside my mind" if you will. This post is yet another "what's in Crystal's mind right now" sort of post. Here we go.

I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. Honestly, I think too much. Really, I need to participate in more physical activities to help me get out of my head. But, it's what I do, and I enjoy it for the most part. I love to write, and in order to write well you have to be a thinker on some level. Whether it's about reality or fiction.

So, I've been thinking about my life. My weaknesses, my strengths. Here's a weakness...but not always: I love it when people love/like me a lot. There, I said it. Okay, I'm sure that's not surprising to anyone. And, it's probably not original. But I really really like it. I love to be loved. I also love to love. I love to make people laugh. Nothing makes me happier than when people think I'm funny. If I can get someone to crack up I feel like I've just landed on the moon or something. I also enjoy it when people say nice things about me...whether to my face or when I'm not looking, but I hear it later. I love how I'm just putting all these things here on my blog for all to read. But, I don't feel too private about these things, because I feel like everyone likes to be loved and noticed and appreciated to some degree. It's a natural thing. We all have needs and love it when they're met.

Anyway, my whole life I've tried to be the best. Not the best in comparison to other people (I'm really not into competition, I avoid it because I don't like getting shot down...possibly another weakness) but the best for me. The best person--make the right choices, basically be really likable. And there's nothing wrong with that. I think I should continue to try to be a good person, a likable person, a person who can make people laugh. But sometimes, because I was always trying so hard, I felt like if I ever slipped it was the end of the world. I felt like I was a bad person if I ever slipped...wasn't happy, couldn't make someone laugh, got in a fight, had a mean thought...I felt evil. And, because so many saw what I was showing, I'd hear things like, "Crystal's so mature for her age," and "Crystal's got a good head on her shoulders." These were phrases that I loved hearing...it meant I was accomplishing my goals. But, I always lived in fear that I'd fail, and then people wouldn't like me anymore, which eventually turned into a fear that if I failed God wouldn't like me anymore. This began to make me do everything out of obligation...to be a good person out of obligation...not because I wanted to but because I had to. I'm pretty sure I brought this on myself. Probably a little from weaknesses, a little from pride, a little from good intentions, a little from my obsessive nature.

I'm changing a bit. With change comes learning. I'm trying to balance it all...make it all fit together. I have this friend. She's about 20 years older than I. We talk quite frequently, and I find her to be extremely wise and real. She's seen some of my worst qualities. Seriously...the doubtful, depressed, questioning, intolerant, impatient me. And yet, she tells me all the time, "You're good. Really good." Honestly, when she'd first tell me I'm good, I just didn't get why. She always tells me she believes in me. I didn't understand it. She sees a lot of the bad of me...but sees the best in me. She tells me it's okay to not be perfect. If we were perfect, there'd be no reason to be here. I know we've all heard this before, but for some reason it really sticks and rings true when she says it. She says, "Crystal, why do you feel like you need to have all the answers? Who ever said we should get all the answers? Why do you feel like you need to please every single person but yourself? Why do you think God's love is conditional? Why do you feel other people's love is conditional, and if it is, why do you want it?" These were all crazy questions that I didn't, and still don't have the asnwers to. I don't exactly know why...but I'm starting to change.

I don't want to do things out of fear or obligation. I don't want to please people just to please people or feel good. I want to make people happy to make people happy. I don't want to be afraid of failure either, because I'll just waste my life away. I've done a lot of that. I have the potential to do a lot of good, but I think I get in the way of myself. I let fear of failure and disappointment to myself and others stop me from becoming great...great with pure motives.

So, I've learned that it's okay for me to wander around a bit. Test things out. Not know everything. Well, I don't think I've learned it...but I'm learning it. It's still hard for me. But, I'm learning that I'm still a loveable person even with my weaknesses, as long as I'm trying to overcome them. Not being extremely hard on myself, but recognizing my weaknesses and working on them with God's help. I'm realizing this is part of God's plan. We're all little kids just learning and growing. We don't have to be perfect for God to love us. Thank goodness for that.

Find What You're Looking For

Judging.

We all do it. I've judged people. I'm not proud of it. I try my hardest not to do it. I've been judged by people. It hurts.

The thing is, we just find what we're looking for in people. If we search for the bad, we're going to find the bad. If we search for the good, more often than not, we'll find good. I have a friend who's constantly saying, "You're good." Too often we consider ourselves as bad, or as others bad. We're good. We all have good. The old saying that goes something like, "You can't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes," is really true. In fact, usually when you do walk a mile in someone's shoes, you stop judging that person.

There are a few things about my life that not many people know. If people knew these things about me...who knows. I'd maybe lose a few friends. I know you're thinking, "Right Crystal. Whatever. What could you have possibly done that would make me judge you so harshly?" Well, all I'm saying is, we don't know what people are struggling with. We just don't. And it's just not wise to judge people, especially when we have no clue what they're going through.

Sure, there's always righteous judging. But, I believe that involves more of taking an accurate evaluation of a situation and deciding it's not the right thing for you to do, or be. It doesn't mean to look down upon other people for their actions.

I need to always remember the words I'm typing. So, I'm thankful for Amy Grant's song... I'm constantly listening to her, so I'm hoping I won't forget.

Where has all the empathy gone?

Last semester, in my Media Law and Ethics class, we discussed an intense ethical case. A group I'm a part of decided to use the same case in a presentation we put on today in our case studies class.

I would post the ethical case if I thought any of you actually wanted to read it. But, I'll just sum it up, since I'm sure you don't.

A dentist in Medina, OH has a mental breakdown in public. This took place in the late 80s, 1989 I believe. It's a smallish town that now holds over 75 dentists. Who knows how many dentists had practices in Medina back then.

Anyway, this man has a mental breakdown in public. As part of his mental breakdown he begins stripping in the middle of town. He's not bothering anyone, just walking and removing all of his clothes. Police come to try to escort him away, and he begins to get violent. He eventually bites one of the cops and they have to use an animal shock thingy in order to get him in a car.

The local paper decides to publish this story on the front page along with his name. Is this ethical?

Here are a few points to consider. 1) The dentist was never charged with anything, and newspapers are not supposed to print a name when the person is not charged. 2) Should he be considered a public figure because he's a dentist in a smallish town? 3) Criminal behavior (which it's easily argued that his behavior doesn't fall in the category of criminal behavior) is usually placed in crime briefs somewhere inside the paper.

You can think what you want. I'm not against people having their own opinions. The weird thing to me, however, is that in both classes I seem to be the ONLY person who has the least bit of empathy for the man and his family, and believes it to be dancing on a fine line of ethical values, especially in the "minimizing harm" section of a journalist's code of ethics, to print his name on the front page of the paper. Every single person argued the editor's point of view. He's a public figure. His patients have a right to know. It's a small town and every one's going to know anyway, so it has to be on the front page or people will get mad. It's breaking news. Sure, okay. I understand a few of those points. But no one seems to care what this will do to him, his practice, or his family. Also, who's to say that printing this article will keep his patients safe? Obviously he was taken into custody. He received psychological help (the case brief states this at the end). Why does printing this article on the front page keep anyone more safe than going to a dentist who has a mental disability that doesn't break down in public? This was the dentist's first sign of mental disability. He hadn't had a chance to get on medication or have an evaluation yet. Really, does printing it honestly protect people? Maybe you think so, but I'm skeptical.

Mainly, though, I'm just sad that people don't voice any concern for the man or his family. So many people in my classes said things like, "He chose to do it in a public area." Or, "It happened in a public area so he gave away his rights of privacy." Okay, sure, people can take pictures and do whatever they want when something happens in public. It's legal. But is it ethical? And really, did he CHOOSE to break down in public? No. He did not choose it.

I'm just really surprised at people's lack of empathy. I understand a reporter's job and an editor's job. I don't understand people's lack of empathy. At least show some concern for the individual. Goodness.

That's not my bag.

We all have our own bag to carry.

Sometimes we may disguise our bag...it may seem pretty on the outside.


Sometimes we say, "To heck with pretending."


But guess what...we each have our own bag. And each bag holds rocks.

Some are big rocks...


Some are a bit smaller...


The point is, we all have a bag, and we all carry some rocks around. Rocks can be anything--stress, worry, fear, heart ache, illness, guilt, trials, just name it, it's a rock.

Well, here's a news flash for everyone. None of us should ever feel responsible for carrying someone else's bag. It's not my problem; it's not your problem. You've got your own bag. And believe me, I know how heavy they can get sometimes.


I can't carry your bag. If I try to carry your bag, it will just way me down. And it will continue to way me down until there's nothing left of me. It will dig into my shoulders, make my feet hurt, discourage me, suck the life and energy out of me, and possibly even kill me, whether physically or even spiritually.

Some of us like to try to hand our bag to others. In fact, I'm sure we've all done this on occasion. We don't want to carry it anymore. And who can blame us? We're tired and weak and we just want to get rid of it. So we try to give it to the closest victim. Often, we give it to a close friend, someone who cares and will mistake the act of helping and supporting for taking our bag from us. There's a difference between helping/supporting someone and carrying a person's bag. Friends are there to walk beside us, to encourage, to tell us that we can either carry the bag, get rid of some of the rocks, or most importantly, they can and hopefully will steer us to the one person who can lighten our load and help carry our bag.

Guess who that one person is. Guess who can lighten the load, take some rocks out, even carry your bag. Can you guess? That's right, Jesus Christ.

I've carried people's bags before. It didn't work. I learned that the hard way. In fact, I'm still learning from past experiences of trying to carry other people's bags. I'm still experiencing some lingering pain, even after handing back their bag.

You can't carry my bag. I can't carry yours. I will no longer try to carry anyone's bag for them. It does a disservice to them, and it does a disservice to me.

I will point them to the source of comfort and relief. And hopefully, others will do the same for me when I'm just too tired and can't hold it anymore.

We all have a bag. Let's allow Jesus Christ to help us with them.

Music

I appreciate my readers. It always feels good to get a comment. That's why I try to comment on other people's blogs when I feel impressed.

I don't appreciate my readers enough, however, to get rid of my annoying music that automatically blares every time you come to my page. I know...it's rude of me.

The thing is, I like it. And I like the diversity of the songs I choose. I'm completely aware at how obnoxious it is. Why would I think you would want to listen to the music I enjoy? Maybe I'm just conceded like that... :)

Anyway...maybe this is an apology. But it probably isn't, because with an apology change is supposed to occur, and I plan to keep my playlist forever.

I especially feel a little bad for those who detest Adam Lambert. But...what can I say, he's my guilty pleasure. I love him.

The end. :)

Stooopid mistake

I've been trying to get an internship at The Dougy Center. I contacted the director of communications with a simple, yet sophisticated e-mail asking for an opportunity to be an intern. She responded with enthusiasm, asking me, "what types of things are you interested in doing?" It took me a while to respond back, because I've never had to come up with my own job description before. Anyway, I wrote what I thought to be a really nice, professional e-mail. That is...until I sent it and caught the DUMBEST mistake EVER. See if you can find it.

Hi Kassie.

I've been thinking long and hard about the types of things I'm interested in doing. If I were to acquire an intern position at The Dougy Center I could help with or be responsible for anything regarding communications. I would be willing and happy to do anything asked of me.

My specialty is writing. I'm an talented writer and can write/edit any content in grant proposal letters, website pages, newsletters, fliers, and any other written documents. Right now I free lance write and edit for a newsletter in Farmington, Utah put out by a small company called Blue Pebble Press. I've also worked on my college's newspaper staff. I'd be happy to send you a portfolio displaying my abilities.

Although I don't know every aspect of The Dougy Center's communication department and tactics, I do know of some possible areas. I'm experienced in video making. I know how to use Final Cut in creating and editing video. I also know how to create podcasts and am very familiar with blogging. I'm experienced in many computer programs including InDesign, Photoshop and Illustrator, which are all beneficial for ads and fliers. I enjoy talking with and learning about people and would be more than willing to contact individuals or companies, either in person or over the phone, in order to give information about The Dougy Center or seek possible grants and support for the organization.

I would absolutely love the opportunity to intern at The Dougy Center. The Dougy Center played an essential role in my grieving process after my dad passed away. I don't know where I would be today if I hadn't had such a great support group as a child. I would love to give back by offering my abilities through an intern position, while also learning from and observing the inner workings of such a successful non-profit organization.

Thanks so much for your consideration.

Crystal Perry

Yes; it's blatantly obvious. Let me explain. I had intended on saying, "I'm an excellent writer...." "Excellent" is the adjective I had originally used, so "an" would be appropriate. After proof reading it a couple times I decided to change "excellent" to "talented." I forgot, however, to change "an" to "a." STOOOOPID. (Okay, I know it's spelled s-t-u-p-i-d. I'm quoting "The Kid." :)) Anyway...I FREAKED out, trying to recall my e-mail, but it didn't work. I decided to e-mail again, telling her I was aware of the mistake. I figured I had nothing to lose and only respect to gain by admitting my error. My mom helped me come to that conclusion as well.

So, long story short...well, not really short, but whatever... She responded with this:

Hi Crystal,

No worries on your type-o. :-)

Will you be in the Portland area anytime soon? I'll talk to the development staff and see what projects they'll have coming up in the fall. Are there school requirements we'd need to fulfill?

Thanks!!

So, I'm a happy camper. :)

Studying

I hate it. I absolutely hate it. With a passion. I'm not exaggerating.

I am not a good studier. I don't know how to do it on my own. I get distracted. I can't keep the information in my brain. I try to repeat things back to myself; it just doesn't work. I try writing things out. It still doesn't work. The only time I actually do well on a test is when I study with someone. Usually this process consists of a good friend having enough patience to re-teach me the concepts and then quizzing me on them.

I'm in an intro to advertising class. I swear, this stupid intro class is harder than all my 300 and 400 level classes. There's a test every week. This week we have two. The first test I took I got a D on. Yes, a D. I hardly studied. The second test I got a B only because a good friend who is also in the class took the time to re-teach me the material and quiz me. The third test I actually got an A, go figure. Same procedure as the second one. The fourth one I had to study on my own because Naomi and I couldn't find time to study together. C. What the heck? I even tried hard that time. I'm taking another one today, and again Naomi and I couldn't get our schedules to match up. Good luck to me...not likely I'll do better than a C and I don't have the patience to even study as long as I did last time.

I hate studying. Stupid facts tests...multiple choice tests that you cram the info in your brain long enough to spew it out in 15 minutes in the stupid testing center, and then you forget it all the second you walk out. I really prefer projects, hands on REAL LIFE situations, papers, and presentations. I learn SO MUCH MORE.

When I'm a professor I'm putting my foot down on tests. I'm saying no. And if I have to give them...they're going to be comprehensive, and I'll actually take time to write them, and then I'll go over them with the students and figure out what they've struggled with and allow them to get some credit back when they figure it out. Isn't school about learning? I think teachers should help students learn. I don't care that this is college. Learning is supposed to be taking place. I'm not learning in this class. I will be a professor one day, and I will teach my students. They will learn, and they'll enjoy it. It's possible. I've seen it in action.

Friendship

Can friends last forever?

Honestly. Can they? Really and truly, can friendships remain forever strong through thick and thin? How long do you have to be friends with a person before it's such a strong bond that you know it will last forever? Does the friendship have to go through a lot of history before it can be strong? Or does time have nothing to do with it...it's more the information shared and trust given?

I have so many good friends. Yet, I have so many who are no longer in my life...and I just wonder...what makes someone a life-long friend? Or, a forever friend? What are friends for? Why have friends?

Enlighten me people.

BYU-Idaho

For the past couple of months I've written in another outlet, hence the lack of blog posts. I've slowed down in the other outlet lately, hence all the recent blog posts.

Can I just say I LOVE BYU-Idaho? I LOVE BYU-Idaho.



I love the campus, I love the buildings, I love the teachers, I love the classes, I love the activities, I love the feeling, I love the Spirit.

The Spori building is my favorite.



It's not only the coolest looking building, but it hosts the coolest classes and equipment. The Spori is the Communication building. It's where I live. Prior to my mission I was an English major and never set foot in the Spori. My building back then was the Smith. The Smith doesn't even come close to the Spori. The Spori feels like home. It's cozy and happy and welcoming. The teachers are amazing...for the most part. :)

I've already talked about one of my teachers in the past, so today I'll mention another. Brother Bennett. This is my second semester taking one of his classes. Last semester I took an advanced writing class from him. While in the class I wrote about some very personal things...my experience with death and my OCD. Needless to say, he knows a lot about me.

This semester I'm taking a grammar class from him. This morning wasn't my happiest morning. I was sad and discouraged. While sitting in his class I must have appeared sad and discouraged. At the end of class, as we were finishing up a quiz, he put his hand on my shoulder and said, "You doing okay today?" I said, "Yes. Thanks." He said, "Okay, I just hate to see you look discouraged." I said, "Brother Bennett, you know too much about me." He said, "That's the definition of a friend. A person how knows a lot about you and still likes you." Can we say tender? Tender.

I'm so blessed to be attending this school. I'll be very sad to leave. I love BYU-Idaho.

The Dougy Center

This center holds a special place in my heart.



The Dougy Center is a non-profit organization that holds support groups for kids, teens, and young adults who have lost someone close to them to death. It was the first organization to hold support groups for kids, started in 1982.

After my dad died when I was 8 years old, this home became my second home. I loved The Dougy Center. I wasn't abnormal there. I fit in. Other kids my age understood me. I could feel anything I wanted to feel. I could talk about anything I wanted to talk about and no one was uncomfortable. I could cry, yell, run around, jump up and down, stay quiet...whatever. There was a game room, a soft room (where the walls were padded and the floors were mats) and an art room. I could express myself any way I wanted. The Dougy Center is a brilliant organization. Children are affected by death...more than people realize. Studies have shown that it often takes people 30 years to grieve the loss of a parent if lost in childhood. The sooner kids express their emotions, the better they can cope. I love the Dougy Center.

I just found out my home of healing burned down last year.



While The Dougy Center continues, and re-building is in the process, my heart aches for the loss of this home. Many many children over several years began a healing process within those walls. Found comfort and reassurance within those walls. This post is in memory of a huge part of my childhood and the beginning of my grieving process. I hope to give back to The Dougy Center one day.