Let's get personal....

I don't know who all reads this. The most comments I've ever received on a post is 6, which was on my previous "Gettin' my sweat on" post. I don't live an exciting life. I don't have a husband, and I don't have children to gooo and gaah over and compare the stages and problems they go through with other mom bloggers. If I did, I would, but I don't. I don't have a career, nor do I live in an exciting atmosphere, like New York or Europe. I'm just me: single, Utah/Idaho-bound, trying-to-get-an-education-and-stay-afloat-in-this-money-driven-world-we-live-in Crystal Noel Perry. And today I'm going to write about something personal-so you better think twice before you continue reading.

A little over a year ago I was finally, medically, by a professional Psychiatrist, diagnosed with OCD/depression. Yes ladies and gentelmen, Obsessive compulsive disorder AND depression. Interesting.... Let me give you a little definition of this mental illness I get to cope with on a regular basis.

"Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder where a person has recurrent and unwanted ideas or impulses (called obsessions) and an urge or compulsion to do something to relieve the discomfort caused by the obsession. The obsessive thoughts range from the idea of losing control, to themes surrounding religion or keeping things or parts of one's body clean all the time."

Now let me just clarify something. I could NOT care less about keeping things clean. Sure, I shower daily, brush my teeth and wash my hands after I use the bathroom...but that's about as far as I go when it comes to keeping myself clean. I do not wash my hands 500 times a day, rubbing my hands raw. I do not continually pick at my face when a zit comes my way. I do not stare at myself in the mirror for hours at a time, making sure every strand of hair is set in the right place. None of these things define my mental illness. If you've ever seen "As Good As It Gets" you may understand why, when I was diagnosed, I was a bit surprised. I'm about as far away from the "AGAIG" character as you can get.

I was diagnosed while on my mission, which is not surprising when you realize that MANY people's under-the-surface mental illnesses come out on their missions. Missions are grueling, tiring, draining, mentally and physcially demanding, and beat you down until you have nothing left to give. BUT, after being diagnosed, it wasn't dificult to trace my actions and reactions in life back to this diagnosis.

I suffer from the part of OCD where "a person has recurrent and unwanted ideas." This pretty much dates back to one specific incident in my childhood. The sickness and death of my dad. The earliest memory of my obsessive compulsive behavior that I can remember is the endless months of confessing sins which I did not commit. In fact, this lasted for longer than just months...I believe it lasted a couple of years. I have always been a guilt-ridden person. Even as a small child, before my dad's illness,(ages 3 or 4) I'd lay awake at night, in the middle of the summer, agonizing over all the things I had done wrong which would result in me not get presants from Santa. After my dad's death, however, it got worse. I began to believe that I was NOT, by any means, going to make it to Heaven to see my dad again. I had too many sins, and there just was not enough time to repent, or even enough memory in my brain to recall all of the MANY sins I had commited in my short life of 9 years. A typical conversation with my mother would go something like this. "Mom, what if I murdered somebody once, and just surpressed that memory. That can happen right? I saw that on T.V. What if I did that and I just made myself forget it?" "Honey, you did not murder anyone." "Mom, I think I stole this golden chain from someone. I need to repent. But I don't know who I stole it from, or how to get a hold of them. How will I ever repent?" "Honey, you found that on the ground in the dirt. Remember? That's why it's all bent up." "Mom, I used to lie to you, when I was little and I wanted to sleep with you and Dad. I'd tell you I had a bad dream, but I really hadn't." "Crystal, it's ok. I forgive you."

WOW. My poor mother. Over and over again, I would rack my brain for sins I had commited so I could repent. And when I couldn't think of anything else, I'd start making up sins, just so I could cover any missed ground. Can we say FREAKY?

As time went on, it wasn't hard to see I had a very extreme personality. Something very important to me (my father) had been taken from me at a young age. I, in turn, would attach myself to things VERY easily. I would get overly excited about things, and anticipate upcoming fun events to the max. They would consume my thoughts day and night. If something I had been anticipating happened to fall through, WATCH OUT. I was beyond disappointed, and everyone around me knew it. I would yell, I would scream, I would cry, I would hit pillows and rip up paper. I just couldn't handle disappointment. And still, to this day, I have a hard time accepting change and disappointment, but I'm working on it.

Well, imagine how this panned out on a mission. Now, I'm not going to sit here and say that this kept me from being a good missionary. If there's anything in life that I feel I did well, it's my mission. I can say that looking back. But while on the mission, NO WAY. It started at the beginning. I NEVER thought I was good enough...which can be typical for new greenies expecting to change the world overnight, only to discover it takes time. But I could never accept the good I was doing, or see the blessings that were surrounding us. One time, after talking about all my problems and weaknesses, I looke over at my trainer and saw her crying. I said, "What's wrong?" And she said, "I just don't understand why you can't see how good you are!"

I moved along in my mission, until finally it happened. I was called to be a trainer and it didn't go over so well. I obsessed over numbers, perfection, and so-on and so forth, until I drove myself crazy. After I left my greeny, I obsessed over everything I had done wrong with her. I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to eat...and I'd often have the urge to scratch myself, which I later found out is the preview to "cutting." Don't worry kids, it never got that far. I eventually decided I couldn't go on like that, and sought out help. And that, my friends, is when the diagnosis finally came. So, I'm learning to deal with it. Day by day, step by step. And life is good.

Why am I writing about this? I don't know. Because this is my blog and I felt like it. I guess it's just been on my mind lately. We ALL have problems. ALL of us. Some are physical, some are mental. Some people are open about their problems (like myself) and some people are very closed. Is there a right or wrong? Not really. We all cope the best we can. Life is hard. But if we all realize that everyone around us is dealing with one or more, sometimes MANY more challenges daily, then it really doesn't seem so bad. After all, this life is just a temporary state. :)

Gettin' my sweat on...

I stole that phrase from my sister, Kayleen. She says that occationally in reference to working out, and I find it amusing. So, I'm a thief.

This is the program I've been on the for the past 3 weeks (and MANY more to come.) Kayleen made it up. She's my personal trainer. :)

Monday:
-20 minutes of intense cardio
-leg press...3 sets of 15 (I've upped it to 20)
-20 lunges with 10 lb. weights then 20 air squates...repeat that 3 MORE times
-inner thigh press...3 sets of 15 (also upped it to 20)

Tuesday & Thursday:
-20 min. run
-20 min. stair stepper
-20 min. elliptical/bike

Wednesday:
-20 min. of intense cardio
-2 sets of the following:
-15 reps of bicep curl (10 lbs.)
-15 reps of over head lift (10 lbs.)
-15 reps of side lift (5 lbs.)
-15 reps of straight in front lift (5 lbs.)
-lay down and pull 20 lb. bar over head

Friday:
-20 min. intense cardio
-3 back machines doing 3 sets of 20
-3 sets of 20 on ab machine
-50 crunches
-50 side crunches

This exercise program plus a diet that's not too strict...just staying off carbs Tuesdays and Thursdays and then limiting my carb intake to good, healthy carbs on the other days...plus LOTS of veggies and fruits in between meals and a good, hardy breakfast (lots of egg whites and oatmeal(on the carb days) has really helped me look better, and more importantly FEEL great!
This is me about 4 months ago when I first moved to Utah.

This is me now.

I don't know if you can tell a difference, but I sure can. And, I know this is just a face shot. I can feel somewhat of a difference in my body, but it always seems to leave from my face first. I'm way excited to see what happens in the next 4 months! I LOVE gettin' my sweat on!