Balance

I had the privilege of viewing and/or listening to the four sessions of General Conference this weekend, and I was even able to listen to the Young Women's broadcast and the Priesthood session today on my phone while working.

I learned several things. But there's one thing I've been thinking about.

Marriage, and the desire for it.

Marriage was mentioned several times, and President Monson addressed it very strongly in the Priesthood session. It's always a similar message. "Men, get off your lazy/I-just-wanna-have-fun/I'm-too-afraid-to-commit-to-supporting-a-family butts, and go actively seek an eternal companion to take to the temple."

One talk, however, did quickly address how there are some women who aren't interested in marriage, but instead more interested in building their career.

All talks guided both men and women to actively seek marriage and to desire, pray for, and live worthy of a temple marriage.

So, here's my thing. Where's the balance for a woman? There comes a point where I believe it's healthy, I honestly believe it's healthy, for a woman to picture her earthly life without a man. JUST SO she can figure out what makes her happy and able to get through without just "getting through" and actually love life and make it fulfilling without being a wife and mother. Some women never get those opportunities, so they need to find ways to give their life meaning and purpose. I think it's healthy to think about those things.

But, at the same time, still desire it and actively seek it without getting so obsessed with it that you're just depressed when/if things don't work out the way you want them to or in your time frame.

I'm not sure I'm actively seeking it enough. By that, I mean, right now I really don't care. Honestly. It's funny really. I'm 26 and you'd think I'd be super depressed, because basically all of my friends, my age and even younger, are married with children. You'd think I'd be begging God every night for a husband. But, I don't. In fact, sometimes I go weeks without even mentioning marriage in my prayers, and then one night I'll remember, 'Oh yeah, I'm supposed to have active faith that I'll find an eternal companion,' so I then put it in my prayers.

I really figured this out a few months ago during a conversation I had with a friend. This friend was my roommate, and she's about 5 years younger than I...5 1/2, not even 21 yet. Anyway, we were talking about where we wanted to be in 5 years. She asked me first. I said, "Well, let's see... I'm really hoping in 5 years time I'll at least have a Masters. But I'd love to be working on a p.h.D and write on the side, freelancing for magazines. Maybe I'll even almost be done with my p.h.D in 5 years, and be looking for a college where I can teach." Then I said, "How about you?"

"Well, I'm hoping I'll be married and have a couple kids by then," she said. OH MY WORD!!! I busted a gut right then and there. I couldn't believe that marriage hadn't even crossed my mind while telling her my plans! Here she was, 20, telling me by the time she reached my age she wanted to be married with kids, and I didn't mention either.

This got me thinking. It's not that I don't want these things. They're beautiful things. Beautiful. It's not like I ignore men, or turn down dates when I'm asked. Shoot, I initiate conversations with guys and even invite random boys over for dinner without even knowing them that well! (Okay...not very often, but it's happened.) But, it's kind of this innate feeling I have. They won't be interested because no one has ever been interested before. And, even this thought is a lie, because I have had guys interested in me. BUUUUT...for one reason or another, it just NEVER works out. My relationships really never last long enough to even consider them relationships.

So, what am I getting at? I'm not sure. This definitely isn't a "pity me" post. Because, what I'm saying is, I don't care. I feel good. Yes, sometimes I long for companionship...for another soul to connect with my soul. But marriage? It's just something I don't think about anymore. It's a last thought. Not really on purpose, but it's just what has happened over the years. I'm not against it. It definitely is a desire and a hope. But it's not all I live for. Because if that's all I live for, I'll have a really unhappy life, unless it happens right now. Which it isn't. So...

Those are my thoughts. What is the balance? Yearn for it all the time...pray for it every night, constantly put myself out there and always have it in the back of my mind? I'm not sure I can do that...or should do that... But how do I not forget about it all together? Oh balance. I've never been good at moderation... My eating habits can attest to that fact. :)

With that said, here's my choice for the song of the week. I LOVE Ingrid Michaelson. LOVE her. She's my favorite right now (realizing that Amy Grant will ALWAYS be number one...everyone is always under her.) But Ingrid...Ingrid's great. More people need to know her. Get acquainted with her stuff. She's great.