I have waisted today

I have absolutely waisted this day.

I told myself at the beginning of the week that this Saturday, today, would be the day I dedicate to writing my admissions essay for my grad school application. I've been dragging my feet on this for so long. Why? Because I'm scared. I'm scared to actually put thought to paper, send it off and get rejected. As long as I haven't done that yet, there's still a possibility of me getting accepted. The desire can still live. As soon as I actually write it and send it, it's over. No more possibility. Reality will set in.

I love to write. That's what I want to do...WRITE. I'm trying to write a paper about why I want to be a part of the school's Journalism Masters program. I'm writing about why I want to write. Write write write...the word is becoming ridiculous to me.

So, I sat in front of this laptop all day. With several breaks, mind you, but basically all day. And do you know what I came up with? Two paragraphs of crap. It sounds lovely...easily read...but has no meaning behind it. It's honestly a bunch of crap.

Brother Bennett, one of my favorite professors at BYU-Idaho, once said that there are two types of writers. The one type of writer writes and writes and writes....until finally the writing is good. That type doesn't care about crap. S/he writes several drafts of crap and plunges through til s/he finally gets a good draft. The other type of writer sits at a computer and punches out one line...then rewrites that one line until it's perfect and then moves on to the next line. The second type is more exhausting. I know, because I am the second type. I can't just forge through knowing that my work is crap. It drives me crazy. But it's a LONG tedious process.

I told myself I'd have everything submitted by the end of this month. The deadline is December 1. I'm going crazy. I need to submit this stuff. I need to be moving. I need to move. I need to live my life the way it should be lived. I need to be progressing toward something.

Why can't I write this paper? Why can't I find an intelligent, creative, intriguing way to express my qualifications and reasons for why I want to be a part of this program? Fear. Dang this stupid fear.

I need a breakthrough.

I waisted today. It makes me mad. I wanted to have a paper completed by now. Instead, I have a blog post completed.