Heavy heart

My heart is heavy at the moment.

Reason: Judgement and ridicule from limited minded people...and the impact those judgements can have on people's lives, faith and testimony.

Why, when we hear something "different" or that doesn't meet OUR approval about someone, we automatically start jumping to conclusions, want to talk about it...and spread our opinions, thoughts, and misunderstandings to any ear that wants to hear? Gossip. Slander. Rumors. Misinterpreted or misrepresented facts. I'm struggling with all of this.

I'm not exempting myself from this. I gossip with the rest of them. My natural man likes to jump in and talk, question, express my opinion about the lives of others. But today...it has become overwhelmingly unbearable for me.

Christ still has compassion on those who make, what we deem as, unforgivable mistakes and has compassion for the families and friends of those who make such mistakes. My heart aches for such people and families right now. So much so that I could not stop crying throughout Sacrament meeting today in church.

I wish, sooo very much, that the natural man could overcome judgement. I wish I could overcome judgement. It is so harsh and cruel. We can never know what goes on in another person's mind and heart. We can never understand the reasoning behind people's choices, actions, thoughts and feelings, because we are not that person. Only Christ and God know exactly what that person is feeling and thinking. Only They have the responsibility, maturity, and perfected hearts and minds to make those judgements.

Righteous judgement, as we often justify our act of judging with, does not include gossip, scornful looks and behind-the-back ridicule.

I'm tired. I'm tired of the natural man. I'm tired of my natural man. I'm tired of the constant battle I have with my worldly desires and nature. And I'm deeply saddened by the thought that my worldly mistakes, such as judgement and gossip, could cause others to question their testimonies and lead them down a wrong path. I know that people have a choice. They can choose to stay active in church regardless of rumors, gossip, or offense. They can choose to keep their testimonies strong. But it's extremely difficult. And I still have an obligation and duty to live in a way that will only help people stay strong in their testimonies...not make them question their testimonies.

I want to be more Christ-like. I want to lead people to Him. I hope and pray that I can continue to line my life with His Gospel. It's not just about the big things. It's easy for many of us to not kill, not commit adultery, not steal...to even not harm our bodies with substance abuse. Sometimes it's more about the small things. I hope to overcome the "small" things.