Sometimes...I just don't know.

I've been worrying a lot lately.

About things like money, my future, my ability to survive on my own. You know...the basics.

I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to get through grad school (assuming I don't fail miserably...it's hard), get $40,000+ in debt with loans, and then come out the other side without a plan, without connections, without job prospects...and worst of all, without a love for the field I just spent the past two years studying and pumping money into.

I'm scared.

I'm scared to make big-time life decisions by myself. I'm scared to continue moving forward in a decision...a decision that is ultimately shaping the rest of my life.

I'm afraid I don't have what it takes to make it in the journalism world. I don't like being aggressive. And journalism often takes aggression.

I'm afraid I don't know how to live alone. I'm afraid of loneliness.

I'm worried that I don't fit into the corporate world. Nor do I want to. I'm afraid I'm trying to climb a latter that's up against the wrong wall.

Ahhhh...the worries of a 27-year-old single woman. This is my life, and I just can't help but worry sometimes.

We all have worries.

These are mine. Thanks for "listening." :)

You see...

I made this purchase.

I've been watching Dawson's Creek on Netflix...yes, Dawson's Creek. And it's taking me back to the '90s. I love the '90s. Most importantly, I love the music of the '90s. It was lyrical and full of chick rockers.

So, I made this purchase. Alanis Morissette, The Collection....because it wasn't too expensive on the Amazon mp3 store, and nothing says "'90s music" like Alanis.

My first obsession from the purchase was "That I Would Be Good."

My latest obsession is now "Hands Clean." Which technically is not from the 90's...it came out in 2002. BUT, Alanis will always take me back to the '90s...not matter what the song.

I miss those days. Alanis. Sheryl Crow. Jewel. You know...'90s chick music.

Let's all go back, shall we?

50 Ways To Die On The Metro

1) "Someone is going to push me into the tracks ditch area...right in front of an oncoming train."

This thought forces its way to my brain EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I'm at a Metro station. It's my number one fear. Don't tell me I'm crazy. It's a very real possibility. I saw it on T.V. once.

2) Perfect place for a shooting

This obviously has happened...and people would go into frenzy mode. Stampedes would break out. People would go crazy. On the actual train itself, or under ground just waiting for it.

3) Gas

Someone could gas the joint...with toxic gas. I saw this on T.V. once too. I'd be trapped on the train, nowhere to go...in a tunnel, and start choking to death.

4) Flooding

I don't know how this would happen, but we're under ground...and water could get in there, and have no place to go. We'd all drown and die.

5) Earth quake

I do not want to be in a train while there's an earthquake. Under ground...in the dark. SCARY.

6) Disease

We're sitting so close together...packed together so tightly in a germ-infested contraption that probably rarely gets a proper scrub-down. I love having my body rubbed up against by a man who smells like belly-button juice.


Okay...so six ways is not 50 ways. But feel free to add onto the list. Please help my obsessiveness spiral out of control.

Comm Therapy

We've got a new episode. It's called "The many faces of Facebook." Check us out on iTunes or visit our blog at commtherapy.blogspot.com.

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P.S. I have an important quesiton I need to pose to my fellow bloggers. So stay tuned for that. :)

Without the Name Tag

I've realized, over the last couple of days, that I've walked into a war zone by signing up to work for Morality In Media/Porn Harms. I've never had a job that was so passionately involved with a controversial topic, that we're basically putting our reputation, personality, and even lives on the line in some cases. Now, that may sound drastic to some, but you don't know the kind of threats we receive over the phone, mail, and our facebook and YouTube pages. If ever one of those threats were to turn into reality, it would not be a pretty picture.

The last two days of my life were a different kind of test.

I had to attend a massive Christian convention here in D.C. on Thursday and Friday. This convention was a meeting for pastors and preachers all over the world, to come together and discuss relevant topics in today's world.

Religion plays a big role in Morality In Media's fight against pornography, and while we're trying to reach all audiences, religious leaders seem to want to get on board with our efforts of informing people of the dangers and harms of pornography more than most people. So, we arranged to have a booth at this conference, in order to pass out pamphlets, facts, and talk about this issue with the hundreds of religious leaders who were in attendance.

First off, it was an eye opener for me to see how many pastors would glance at our table, avoid eye contact, and quickly walk in a different direction. I didn't realize how uncomfortable this topic would be, even among leaders of the Christian faith. It took actual courage for me to approach people with a pamphlet...to ask them if pornography was an issue in their congregation, and if so, what they were doing to address it. We offered resources for help. Ideas on how to approach the topic. Encouraged people not to be condemning, but to realize it's an addiction, and one that many people want to overcome. I was nervous...it wasn't as easy as I expected...and I came to understand that this is a bigger struggle and problem than I had ever realized.

The second part of this two-day test came extremely unexpectedly...a major test of my faith and character. Who would I be without my missionary name tag?

As all you faithful readers know, I served my 18-month mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Mississippi and Louisiana. While there, it was not uncommon for me to be yelled at, told I was a Satin-worshiper, called names and preached at as to why I was going to hell and how I was leading others to hell, sworn at, kicked out of people's homes because I was tainting people's children with lies, told I did not believe in Jesus Christ...and much more. I grew used to it. I had my common responses and would usually just move on, trying not to engage in arguments (TRYING...key word there.) :)

This conference was like being thrust back into that part of my mission. Why? Because, the booth right NEXT to our booth was the truelife.org booth, a tool to teach Baptist Christians how they can spread the gospel and fight anti-gospel things. One of their "anti-gospel" topics is....yes....Mormonism. They have videos about Mormonism, how Mormons are wrong and how to avoid them.

Most of Thursday and all of Friday, the founder of truelife.org focused on the Mormonism topic the entire time, looping the Mormonism video, loudly blaring the audio for all to hear...facts about why Mormonism is not true Christianity. While the video wasn't necessarily mean, it wasn't fully correct (obviously). And more offensive than the video, was the way in which the founder of truelife.org was talking about the video and explaining it to pastors who would stop and watch. He was disrespectful and rude...making fun of Mormon beliefs.

All of Thursday I battled with myself...Do I tell this man I'm Mormon? Is that my job? I'm here to spread the message of the harm of pornography, and right now, people are listening to us. If people were to find out I'm a Mormon (and so is the executive director of our organization) then many of these pastors and preachers wouldn't listen to a word we say.

The Morality In Media staff is diverse in religion. We have the Catholic faith represented, the Jewish faith represented, the Latter-day Saint faith represented, and the Evangelical Christan faith represented. We all have differing faiths, yet we come together to fight pornography. But many of the pastors at this conference would not come together with us if they knew we had Mormons and Jewish representatives.

I discussed this with Tammy, my Jewish co-worker. I wanted so badly to say something to this man. She said, "Crystal, right now you're a representative of Morality In Media. If by tomorrow afternoon you still want to say something, then say it then. But try to restrain yourself until that time. We need to get this message out to as many people as will listen, without causing barriers."

I decided she was right. I could still stand as a representative of Christ throughout the conference, and when the time was right, I could share my faith with this man and his colleagues at our neighboring booth.

Thursday and Friday passed, and there came a point when it was time. I walked up to him and said, "Jesse, I wouldn't feel honest and true if I didn't tell you something before this conference comes to a close. I'm a Mormon. You've been blaring this anti-Mormon video for the past two days...I haven't said anything. But I'm saying something now. I'm a Mormon."

He was baffled. At first he thought I was joking with him. He had talked to me a lot, just assuming I believed everything he did. He had never really addressed the "issue" of Mormonism with me...had he done so prior, I would have filled him in on my religion then. But as I was filling him in, he was speechless.

He then apologized and told me he hoped he hadn't offended me. He just loves Mormons so much, he wants to show them the error of their ways and help them come to the truth. He explained (after I asked him the purpose of the video) that the video has a two-fold purpose. After asking him if our religion was such a threat to him and his faith that he felt the need to make a video about Mormonism in order to pass out to pastors and teachers, he said, "No...no Mormons are not a threat. Well...the truth is...the majority of your converts are previous Baptists. That's what the numbers suggest. We're losing people to you, and people just don't understand that you are not Christians." First of all, I served in the South...so I'm not sure where he got his numbers. Baptists are not the church's number one converts. But maybe he meant that of all the churches Baptists leave for, Mormonism is the number one faith...from their angle.

Anyway, he then told me that his main audience, he hopes, are Mormons themselves. He asked me if I watched the video...what I thought of it, and if it was accurate. I told him I had watched some, not all, and my reasoning for that is to understand what people like him actually think I believe. He asked me what I thought was incorrect. While many things were distorted and misrepresented in the video, I took the most issue with the explanation that we feel we work our way to Heaven....downplaying the role of Jesus Christ. So I told him so.

I said, "To say that I believe I can work my way to Heaven...that's just a plain lie, and actually quite insulting. I can do NOTHING without Jesus Christ and I'm sad that you don't understand that. Jesus Christ is the reason for everything. He saved me. I wouldn't be anywhere without His suffering. I do not believe I can work my way to Heaven. And the way I see works, why wouldn't or shouldn't I want to DO good, if I love my Savior?? I want to be like Him, follow His teachings. That's just a lie to downplay how much we rely on the Savior's sacrifice. It's just a lie."

The man could not think. He honestly could not think of a thing to say. He was surprised, overwhelmed and kept stumbling over his words. Not much was said after that. We hugged, went back to our booths...and that was pretty much it.

I'm getting emotional as I type this out, because it was seriously a major faith-building experience for me. What will I say with no name tag? Can I tell when the appropriate time is to say something? How can I express myself passionately, but in a calm and loving manor? I feel good about how it all happened, and I'm thankful for the Spirit.

I know that man is a good man. I could feel it. He's just trying to figure everything out. I doubt he'll ever forget our interaction. I know I won't.

If anyone reads this, who doesn't know what I believe, let me tell you. I know, that without Jesus Christ, I'm a broken person. Christ is who makes me whole. He heals me on a daily basis. I've struggled a lot, with so very many things. But it's my Savior who helps me overcome. I am not working my way to Heaven. If I was, I'd never get there. There's no possible way. I need the Savior. To be honest, I've tried working my way to Heaven...just because, I was a lost individual with a hurting soul. I didn't understand the atonement. I just kept thinking there was no hope, because I could never be perfect. I would never get there. I didn't understand what my Savior could do for me, but I know now. I don't have to do a dang thing for my Savior to love me. He already does...and he already did suffer, die, and rise again...for me. Why do I do? Because I love Him. Because life is about choices. Because I have agency, and I choose to follow Him. Because faith is an action word. Because I want to refine my soul. Because I want to be like Him. Because I want to bring others to Him. Because I love Him. That's why I do.

Feeling nostalgic...

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic today. And yesterday. I've just got to say, I really love my brother and sister.

I've had so many good times with these two.

And, I can't leave this lovely addition out.

Bobby's added a great measure of happiness to my life.

Sometimes I miss the days right after I returned home from my mission. Bobby and Kayleen became my best friends. We'd have family dinner every Sunday night, and then we'd go back to Bobby's place and watch a movie...every Sunday night. We had many nights of sushi or happy hour and Standford's. Those were good days. Many of my happiest days are tied to them. Sitting in the temple, watching them be sealed to one another and to God, happy happy day. That day was one of my best...which is funny, because it was THEIR wedding day. :)

And, of course, Perry's birth. Seriously another best day ever. I remember sitting down the hall from Kayleen's room with Kevin, and we could hear Perry's first cries. I'll always remember the look between Kevin and I as we heard her first cry. It was incredible...and I'm glad Kevin and I got to be there for our little niece's entry into the world.

I'm super thankful for my family. I love where I'm at in life. I feel confident, able and I feel like I'm progressing toward goodness. But I do miss my family, and I think...somewhere down the road, I'll end up closer to them again.

Try this.

I dare you. I DARE you to try this recipe.

You will be a changed human being. You will. I'm serious.

Stuffed Sweet Acorn Squash (or stuffed peppers)

2-3 peppers (cored)

1 lb ground beef or mix of beef, sausage and turkey

1 chopped onion

1 finely chopped apple

½ cup chopped craisins

¼ cup chopped nuts (I use pecans usually)

1 tsp thyme

1 tsp oregano

½ tsp sage  (I use 1 heaping tsp of poultry seasoning)

Coconut oil

Salt, pepper

If using squash, preheat oven to 400 degrees.  Cut the squash in half, and scoop out the seeds and any stringy stuff.  Place the squash cut side up in a large baking pan, and put a tablespoon of water in each “cup” and pour ¼ cup of water into the bottom of the pan.  Loosely “tent” the pan with aluminum foil and bake for 30-35 minutes.  Prepare filling while squash is baking.

If using peppers, after cutting off the tops and coring them, place whole peppers into a pan of boiling water and cook for about 5-10 minutes.  Remove from water and place in a baking dish open side up.

Filling:  Chop onion, apple, pecans and craisins.  Saute the beef and onion in a little coconut oil for 2-3 minutes, then add pecans, craisins, apples and herbs.  Add salt and pepper.  Do not completely cook this mixture.  Fill peppers or squash; they will be overflowing and that’s okay.  Bake uncovered for 15-20 minutes in a slightly reduced heat oven (about 375).

FYI: You do not need coconut oil. I used a little olive oil. AND, use a mixture of meat. It makes it that much tastier. (I use sausage and hamburger.) But if you don't use a mixture, no worries; it will still change you're life.