Heavy heart

My heart is heavy at the moment.

Reason: Judgement and ridicule from limited minded people...and the impact those judgements can have on people's lives, faith and testimony.

Why, when we hear something "different" or that doesn't meet OUR approval about someone, we automatically start jumping to conclusions, want to talk about it...and spread our opinions, thoughts, and misunderstandings to any ear that wants to hear? Gossip. Slander. Rumors. Misinterpreted or misrepresented facts. I'm struggling with all of this.

I'm not exempting myself from this. I gossip with the rest of them. My natural man likes to jump in and talk, question, express my opinion about the lives of others. But today...it has become overwhelmingly unbearable for me.

Christ still has compassion on those who make, what we deem as, unforgivable mistakes and has compassion for the families and friends of those who make such mistakes. My heart aches for such people and families right now. So much so that I could not stop crying throughout Sacrament meeting today in church.

I wish, sooo very much, that the natural man could overcome judgement. I wish I could overcome judgement. It is so harsh and cruel. We can never know what goes on in another person's mind and heart. We can never understand the reasoning behind people's choices, actions, thoughts and feelings, because we are not that person. Only Christ and God know exactly what that person is feeling and thinking. Only They have the responsibility, maturity, and perfected hearts and minds to make those judgements.

Righteous judgement, as we often justify our act of judging with, does not include gossip, scornful looks and behind-the-back ridicule.

I'm tired. I'm tired of the natural man. I'm tired of my natural man. I'm tired of the constant battle I have with my worldly desires and nature. And I'm deeply saddened by the thought that my worldly mistakes, such as judgement and gossip, could cause others to question their testimonies and lead them down a wrong path. I know that people have a choice. They can choose to stay active in church regardless of rumors, gossip, or offense. They can choose to keep their testimonies strong. But it's extremely difficult. And I still have an obligation and duty to live in a way that will only help people stay strong in their testimonies...not make them question their testimonies.

I want to be more Christ-like. I want to lead people to Him. I hope and pray that I can continue to line my life with His Gospel. It's not just about the big things. It's easy for many of us to not kill, not commit adultery, not steal...to even not harm our bodies with substance abuse. Sometimes it's more about the small things. I hope to overcome the "small" things.

Deep Deep Trouble

Allow me to invite you into my past.

As I've stated before, many times, my dad died when I was young. So, I grip onto memories and things that remind me of him very tightly.

This is one thing that makes me think of him. The Simpsons. I don't watch the Simpsons. I've probably seen 3 episodes in my entire life. It's just never drawn me in like other shows often do. The CD "The Simpsons Sing the Blues" does draw me in, however. My dad introduced this then-tape to my sister and me when we were just teeny little children. We LOVED it, and so did he. I now have a CD, but the tape we had back then was played many many times. In fact, when I was about 5 years old, I thought it would be fun to put it into my little recorder and record over it, on this specific song, just to show how good I was at memorizing songs. So, part of the way through "Deep Deep Trouble" Bart cuts out, and I start singing. It's great. Then, Kayleen and I start singing a New Kids On The Block song. Then one of my parents finds us, I say "Oh no!" and the tape goes back to Bart to finish off the song. It's seriously a great treasure.

But anyway, here's the song. A song that lunges me back in time. Back when I was 5 and my dad was alive.



If the song offends you...take it up with my dad in the next life. :)

No title is good enough

I'm here. Louisiana. It's a beaut. Humidity wrapping you like a soggy blanket, bugs buzzing in your ears, and fire ants biting your feet. Can't get much better than this. Oh...and the people are a plus, too.

Pictures to come. :)

Anger management and other junk...

Okay. My trip to the South can't come soon enough. (Day after tomorrow...yay!)

Here are the things in my mind and life lately...

1) I have anger issues. I really do. Today, I debated and debated whether or not to download a specific audio book on itunes. It was expensive, but I had a gift card. I could have bought several other cheaper books for the price of this one, but I really wanted this one. The real stinger is, I could have gotten a paperback version for WAY cheap...used on Amazon. But I need things to listen to at work, and audio would be well worth the price because of how much I listen to things while at work. So, I downloaded it. Okay, it's Amy Grant's book, "Mosaic: Pieces of My Life So Far." Anyway...I got it. I've always been able to transfer my downloads from my laptop to my phone. All of my songs, podcasts...whatever. But not the book. It's protected or something. And it won't let me transfer it to my phone. Which brings me to my anger issues. When something I've put a lot of thought and debate into...or planning and preparation, depending on what it is, goes bad and out of my control...I FLIP. I'm serious. Swear words go off in my head, rage fills me until I just want to hit something...and forget about trying to talk to me. I don't care who you are...I'll rip into you. It's seriously a problem. And when it's over, I always tell myself I won't react that way the next time something goes wrong...but then I do. I do NOT like this about myself.

2) There's a boy who is interested in me. Whom I am most definitely not interested in back. And I'm trying to figure out how to break the news to him.

3) There's a boy I'm interested in (which I'm usually very careful to never let happen unless I know he's interested in me) and I'm almost positive he has no desire to pursue me or a relationship with me any further than he already has. Oh well. I tried.

4) I may up and move to Chicago. There's a school with a master's program I want there...but I think I'm just going to take a leap and move, even before I apply. I need to do something with my life. I need a change.

That's enough crazy for one post. Again, thank goodness I'm taking a vacation in two days. I'm going a bit stir crazy here on the home front.

If I were a super hero

Besides someone who can pick Amy Grant's voice out of all others...



Yes. I freakin' LOVE X-men. I mean, come on. Amazing. I love it. I've always loved it. Since I was little. No, I didn't read the comics. But I did watch the cartoons. And I'd play "X-men" with the little neighbor boy. I was always Rogue.

When the movies started coming out...I flipped.

I saw the latest one last weekend. I'm in love. It's put me into an X-men frenzy.

I love the story behind it. Close friends, brothers almost, but enemies. One fighting for peace...choice...chance. The other fighting for force...lack of choice. It's just a good story. And cool. And exciting.

I will not hide my love for X-men any longer. They are my heroes.

Hi

Okay. I'm writing another blog post.

I've decided that from this point forward, I will no longer care what people think about me.

This is not to be confused with the notion of giving up good manners...or just being blatantly rude and/or inappropriate. BUT, I'm just so tired of caring/worrying about what people think. I'm just done.

I just...I'm just frustrated. And hurt. And, why do I allow myself to get hurt? Especially by people who always hurt me? I just need to shut it off and not care. I've got to learn how to do that.

Example:

I say to a certain person, "So, I'm going to try out for American Idol!" It's obvious I'm excited about it. She says, "Really? Neat. Is Kevin trying out? Kevin's who really needs to try out. He'd definitely make it. He's just got such a clean, good voice." Okayyyyyy. This same person once heard a duet my brother and I sang together...and upon hearing it she said, "Wow, Kevin's amazing! I mean, you sound nice, Crystal, but Kevin. Wow. He can sing!" Yes, my brother can sing. And he is good. I love Kevin and his voice, and I'm very proud of the kid. I want him to try out for AI, and if he makes it, I will be sooooo happy for and proud of him. But why, WHY does she feel the need to continually knock me down. Why? WHY? I've been hearing variations of this kind of crap my entire life. The same person once said to me, "You're songs...they're cute. Not what you'd probably hear on the radio though." Or something like that. Seriously. What. The. Heck. I responded to that comment with my song "Words On Paper." Which I'd post, but I don't have an easy way of doing so at the moment. But, it's one of my better songs...that a lot of people like. She's never heard it...and probably wouldn't even understand it if she did.

Yeah. Most of my songs aren't sing-songy. Most of them are not about love and gooey-ness. I don't want them to be. Most of my songs take a teeny bit of brain power to understand. That might be too much to ask from some people. There are successful singer/songwriters who write about real stuff...in a deep, thoughtful way...who don't need to have repeated hits on the radio every 5 minutes. They stay true to who they are. Just because YOU don't hear their songs on the stations YOU listen to doesn't mean they don't exist and that they're not successful.

Okay. Anyway. Caring about what people think all the time just gets tiring and draining. Frustrating. Disheartening. Disturbing. Demeaning. And degrading.

I can't worry about it anymore. I may have annoying habits. Sorry. I may be emotional. Sorry. I may not be the person you want me to be. Sorry. I may get overly disappointed at times. Sorry. I may say the wrong thing sometimes. Sorry. I'm just not going to worry anymore. I'm going to be me. Try my best to live a Christlike life and be kind to others. That's all I can do.

Was this post too much out of character? Too negative? Haha...that's me caring about what you think. :) Okay, for reals. I'm done caring.........NOW.

Blog update

I have no better title in mind right now. Hence, "Blog update."

Sometimes, I sit at work and think about things I could write about. I have several blog topics running in and out of my head all day long. But then I get home and just don't write about them.

One is how I HATE using public restrooms when other people are using them. It's basically sharing a very private moment with complete strangers...or even worse, people you kind of know and have to talk to every day, but don't care to know better than the 'work setting.' Why must I be forced to pee in front of someone else? "Well, there are stalls," you say. Right. Stalls. Stalls don't mean squat to me. They do nothing for me. I might as well be peeing right in front of you. Anyway, I wasn't going to use this post to talk about my hatred towards public restrooms. I could go on and on about it. Like why people feel the need to have conversations on their cell phones in the bathroom...while I'm in a stall trying to go. Or why people feel they can bring their ten-year-old son into a women's public restroom. Or how I especially hate when you're in there with someone else who is "shy" in public restrooms...and you both just sit there...for what seems to be hours, waiting for the other to go, flush and leave before you let yourself go, but instead, you both just sit there...and it's awkward. Until FINALLY, one of you flushes, without going I might add, and leaves. Oh I hate using public restrooms. It causes major problems for me at work. Anxiety to the extreme.

Anyway...I've come up with a new idea for a book. I REALLY like this idea. I'm actually coming up with so many ideas that I might be able to make a whole book of book ideas. I've started writing one, but I'm excited for this new idea.

It's going to be another nonfiction one...journalistic style...about outcast mormons. "Outcast mormons" may come off as sounding harsh...it's just a title I have in my brain at this moment. I'm not sure how else to sum up my idea into a simple phrase. I'll work on it...and get back to you.

This has been brewing for a few weeks now. It started with an idea I got while imagining my trip back to the South (taking place two weeks from today.) I'm going to stay with this couple, the Akers, for one night while I'm there. Brother Aker has an amazing conversion story...and an amazing testimony. I want to interview him. You see, he's black. And he joined the church BEFORE black men were able to hold the priesthood. But he still believed, and he had faith he would one day be able to receive the priesthood. Anyway, I want to interview him.

This got me thinking about all the people in the church who, you'd think might want to leave the church because of all the odds against them, yet they stay because they know the gospel is true. There are all sorts of examples. And I want to tell their stories.

Okay. That's all. This post is obviously not an update about my life. Which is why I didn't title it "life update." Sorry if you're disappointed. My life is pretty darn boring at the moment. But the things that go on inside my mind...exciting. :)