Broken

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my mind right now, and I know I won't be able to get them across the way I want. But we all know I like to write and share thoughts...so, sorry if I'm unclear.

We all have things in our lives we're either afraid of, not proud of, wish we could get rid of...whatever. It may be a past sin, mistake, a current and constant weakness, or all of the above. I have mine.

I've been haunted by one or more of these for several years. Over the past year I've made a lot of progress in accepting myself, loving myself, and most importantly learning to trust God's love for me.

But, for some reason, to this exact day, when referring to these weaknesses, memories, mistakes...I act like it's something stuck on me. Something that has made me less of a person...forever.

As I talked with a friend today, I did this...I referred to myself as though I have a defect. Almost before I finished my sentence to the friend, she lovingly said, "Crystal, you're not broken. You need to know you're not broken. So don't act like you are."

Huh. That struck me. So hard that I had nothing left to say. In other words, Christ makes me whole. I'm not broken, and just because of a mistake or two or a million doesn't mean I'm broken. I'll be chewing on this thought for a while.

Internship

I wrote this tag line.

Go buy Alex Boye's Christmas CD. It's rockin'.

Dancing...

With the Stars.

My favorite?


My LEAST favorite (from the very beginning basically)?


This is the first time I've ever watched this show. I'm so addicted to it...this season anyway. I get a high from it. It makes me giddy.

I kind of feel mean about how BADLY I want Brandy to go home. I just don't like watching her. She's using the show to jump start her career again. I suppose that shouldn't matter...she can do whatever she wants. BUUUUT, I love Bristol. Bristol is real. Bristol improves every week, despite how mean the judges are to her. Bristol's partner, Mark, is the nicest, sweetest guy...and had the most work cut out for him when receiving Bristol as a partner. Bristol's the most modest of the females. Despite what people say, Bristol really is a good dancer.

Even though I LOVE Bristol the most...here's how I believe it will, and probably should turn out.

First place: Jennifer Grey


Second place: Kyle Massey


Third place: Bristol Palin


Although...who knows. All the Palin haters could ban together and get rid of Bristol. It's exciting she's made it this far. Oh my word, I'm such a nerd. I LOVE this show! :)

Childhood

I had a very rich childhood when it came to friends.
I can't stand the way I look in that picture...especially up against the three twigs, BUUUUUT, they're amazing. This was at Lisa's wedding, (I was a bridesmaid...that's why I'm in that dress :)), Hailey's next to Lisa, and she was still single at the time, and then Ash, who at least had one girl I think. I don't have any accessible pics of us when we were younger, but I grew up with these three ladies, and I love them to pieces. Oh wait, I think I have a more flattering picture.
This is when Lisa and Hailey were both pregnant with their second child each...Ashleigh had two then, now three. ANYWAY, I was super blessed to grow up with these girls. Lisa and I have been friends since 4th grade, then came Hailey, then Ashleigh. I love them. They're all amazing examples to me. They've all married such good men, and are such amazing mothers to their children. I wish I could see them much more, but I love how we're still tight, even after all this time. I've cried to these girls, laughed so hard I've peed my pants, and shared many good experiences like girls camp and high adventure...even college with them. I'm definitely blessed.

Andrea was a huge part of my childhood as well. She became my Beehive (church class) leader when I was 12 and she's stuck with me ever since. I grew a very very strong attachment to this lady, and she helped me through TONS of hard times. She was my hero...and for a while I really thought she could walk on water. :) I was very blessed to have an older friend to look up to and talk to in times of need. I'm still blessed to have her in my life.

I had other childhood friends...but these 4 people were probably some of my biggest influences, and I'm super super thankful I can still call them close friends. Gosh I'm fortunate.

Homeless

I talked to a homeless guy today. His name is Michael. I can't get him off my mind.

He was sitting outside temple square, his back against a tree, a cardboard sign propped against his knee with the words "living on the streets, anything will help" written in horrible hand-writing, and a paper cup sitting on the pavement in front of him with a few quarters in it.

He was holding a cup of coffee, wearing a coat, jeans, beat up tennis shoes and a baseball cap. He had a small back pack next to him. He was a skinny guy, his hair was long, he looked a bit dirty, and he had facial hair.

I've seen people holding signs all my life. I'm from Portland.... Sometimes I give money, sometimes I give food, sometimes I just pass by...usually depending on how safe I feel and whether I have anything to offer. I once tried to offer a family some food at a rest-stop, but they only wanted money.

Today, all I had was a hand full of pennies at the bottom of my purse. So, I went over to Michael and said, "All I have are a bunch of pennies. Are you interested?" He said, "Yes please; every little bit helps."

I then knelt down on the pavement and began to talk with him while I waited for my ride. I asked him if he had some place warm to stay tonight, since it was beginning to snow. He said he lives in a tent in the mountains. I asked him if he had stuff to build a fire. He said he lives too close to a residential area; if he built a fire they'd throw him in jail. I asked him if he had any friends who stayed with him. He said that he had had one, but they had a fight and parted ways a while ago.

I asked him how long it's been since he's had a home. He said he hasn't truly lived under a roof since the early 90s. I asked him how he became homeless. He said he came from a family of drug addicts and alcoholics and he, himself got heavily involved in drugs and alcohol, then got heavily involved in theft, and then spent 18 years in prison.

He told me he's been out of prison for years, but has no identification and has a hard time finding a job without identification. It really seemed to me that he had no idea of how to even go about getting help. He says he's completely off drugs and alcohol, but is addicted to coffee and cigarettes.

I asked him if he ever goes to shelters. He said he had before, but the times he's stayed in those places, other homeless people steal whatever he does have in his backpack.

I asked him if he ever talks to God. He said, "No...I don't do that." I said, "I know it may seem like a long shot, but I'd try talking to Him. If anyone can help you out, it'll most likely be Him." He nodded his head.

As my ride pulled up I told him I would pray for him. He seemed more grateful for that than the pennies I gave him.

He has a good soul. I could tell by talking with him. He wasn't bothering people like some do, just sitting there, looking at the ground. It seemed almost like he appreciated our conversation more than anything else.

I'm really really blessed. Like REALLY blessed. I was born into a home with amazing parents, in a good situation, with the Gospel of Christ the center of it all. I'm really blessed. I'll be thinking about Michael for a while.

I LOVE...

REXBURG!!!

And I'm going there this weekend! Woot!

Who gets this excited about going to rink-a-dink Rexburg, Idaho?

I DO, I DO!

I'm gonna see people, go places, do things, and it's going to be FABULOUS. Can't wait! Some of my bestest friends are there. :) GOOD stinkin' times.

Let's all just take a moment and bask in this happiness.............................

Okay, moment over. :)

Scary movies, deadlines, graduation, living in the moment

Here are a few thoughts...

Why do people (myself included) enjoy watching scary movies? I'm talking the stupid, pointless, gross kind, where the entire movie consists of someone being chased down and terrorized, and then finally killed at the end? Why? Why did I watch that? It's like, I knew it was stupid, pointless, and filling my mind with worthless images and ideas...and yet, I was drawn to it...couldn't turn away.

I can't handle more than one big decision/process/application at one time. I just can't. Emotionally and mentally. It's like, once I get over one hurdle, I want to relax a bit before jumping the next one. A big hurdle was finding an internship. I found one, but then needed to apply for financial aid. I still haven't jumped that hurdle completely...because things keep going wrong with that stupid process. Because I've had a hard time jumping that hurdle, I never took the time to jump the GRE hurdle. Which means I've missed the deadline to take the last test for this year, and I have to wait until February. Which means I won't start grad school until the Fall...at least. I need to force myself to get enough mental and emotional momentum to continue jumping hurdles without needing a rest.

I can't believe I finally graduate from BYU-I in less than 2 months... If I can come up with enough money to pay for tuition in order to make this internship count. My time at BYU-I has been like my mission...I never thought it would end. Now that it's here...I'm super sad. I loved my time there so much. Especially this last year. GOOD times.

I've gone up and down with my internship...why did I come here, was it the right decision, are the things I'm learning worthwhile for my future...? I've decided to live in the moment. And right now I'm really appreciative of who I work with. I laugh every day, I'm learning lots, and I've made a good new friend. So, all in all, it's a good thing. There's a lot of good to be found.

I've decided that one of my purposes in life is to be a friend to people. I decided this several days ago. Just from the way my life is heading...I really just think that's one of my purposes. It doesn't mean I'm the best at it. I'm not. But I'm becoming better because of the people who allow me to be their friend. :) As I'm typing this I'm thinking of many different individuals...who have all taught me something different. I'm blessed to know the people I know. I'm blessed to have friends and to be a friend.

A quote from the movie "Marvin's Room" has stuck in my mind for years and years. The older sister, Bessie, has taken care of her dying parents for years (or one parent? It's been a while since I've seen it). She finds out she's dying from leukemia, and to her younger sister (whom she has had a strained relationship with up to this point because the younger sister didn't stay to help take care of the parents) Bessie says, "I've been so lucky, I've had so much love in my life." Lee, the younger sister, says, "Yes, they love you very much," referring to their parents. And then Lee says, "No, I'm lucky that I've been able to give so much love." That's always stuck with me...ever since watching it, years ago. I feel the same. I don't always act that way...but I feel that way, and I want to try to show and give my love better.