Living in Utah...

is different than living in Portland, OR. For example, today, during my first day working at Deseret Book, that famous mormon actor, Kirby something or other, came in and did a signing for a couple of hours. While getting briefed over some procedures by the team lead, the supervisor comes in and goes, "Oh my gosh guys, Kirby so-and-so (I still can't remember his last name) is here!" Then she looks at me and is like, "Are you a Kirby fan?" And I'm like, "Kirby who?" She goes, "Kirby so-and-so...from The Best Two Years and the RM." "OH, I know who you're talking about now," I said. Then she and the rest of the girls in the store proceeded to giggle about him and how they're too nervous to talk to him. Sure, he's in a couple of movies...but it kind of amused me how EXCITED and GA-GA they were over this guy. Of course, I did get a picture with him. I mean, come on, I'm mormon, and he's a famous mormon, so why not? :) I'm happy to report that he's really nice and pretty darn funny. Working in Deseret Book is going to be fun.

Where does 90% my heart belong?

I'm a girl who anticipates. I love to anticipate things and I love having something to anticipate. In fact, sometimes the anticipation of a big event is more fun than the actual event at times. I'm also a girl who MUST have something to work towards in life. I have a hard time just floating along without a purpous. I doubt I'm the only one. I think most people desire some kind of purpose in their lives. So...what is my purpose right now? On the mission, of course we'd teach that our purpose in this life is to prepare to meet God. Well, once we've got that down (or have an understanding of it) then we've got to figure out how to survive during this preparatory state.

Survival. Not my favorite part of life. I'm not a competative girl. Never have been, probably never will be. When someone gets something over me, I usually say "congrats, they deserved it more than I, or Heavenly Father has a different plan for me." Even in games...I enjoy PLAYING the game, not winning the game. I don't have to win to enjoy myself. As long as it's a fun, interesting game, I'm totally fine with not winning. I just like playing...of course, with a winning purpose, but I still have fun if winning is not an option for me. So, this part of life is difficult for me. One where I feel I have to fight to stay above water. Compete for the jobs, compete for the schools, compete for the classes, compete for the guys. NOT MY FAVORITE.

With that said...my love life is, um, dry at the moment. What happened??? Eh...well, nothing in particular. I guess most of my heart just hasn't found its home like it thought it did. Before the mission, I put my heart into school. Then, the mission came, and I put my WHOLE heart into that. When I came home...50% of it was still there, 40% of it was with a sertain somone and the other 10% of it (is the math adding up?) was left with me...in order to stay alive...keep the blood flowing, continue making friends...so on and so forth. Well, more and more time goes by...making the mission more and more of a dream. And, apparently, the sertain someone seems to be trying to hand 40% of my heart back to me. The thing is...I don't really want the 90% back. I feel better about life when I have something to put my heart into. So...WHAT do I put it into right now?

I was not accepted to BYU in Provo. BIG shock. Not really. I didn't really want to go there in the first place, it just would have helped out A LOT with the money situation. I did get accepted to BYU-Idaho for the winter/summer track and I could also go to UVU. At one point in time I had a reason for coming to Utah. Now...I'm not so sure. So, why spend BIG bucks on an education at UVU when I could go back to BYU-Idaho, get on the fast grad program and finnish up in a year? Do I live with the Petersons until the winter? Do I move out in the fall to live with a couple past companions (which I really want to do) for a few months before the winter? That would be fun, but should I spend that money to do that? I just found out that Deseret Book has hired me, but it will probably only be for a part time position. So, should I take some classes in the meantime? Or, should I try to save up as much money as possible before going back to BYU-I? Should I go back to BYU-I? Maybe I am in Utah for a different reason than I thought.... Is 9 months enough time to see if Utah is the place for me? Shall I reside here for now, but have BYU-I in January be my ultimate goal? See...I don't know where my heart belongs. I don't know what to throw myself into. Is social envoronment more important, or is finnishing school in a timely matter more important? Utah=better atmosphere for a single woman my age but longer time and more expensive to finnish school. Idaho=younger, smaller atmosphere...not the best for a 24-year-old returned missionary but faster and less expensive to finnish school. I have nothing to anticipate and not much to work towards right now. My life is very much up in the air. Where does the rest of my heart belong?

Get thee hence, satan!

So, my friends, family, fellow bloggers, and stalkers :)...I'm sick of the world. Who's with me? If you're not with me, then you're against me. I'm on a quoting kick right now...can you name that movie? Beauty and the Beast.

Ok...so, seriously, I'm tired of satan. I'm sorry, I can't capitalize his name because I just don't believe he deserves it. So, there ya go. For those of you who think it's weird that I'm talking about him so casually...well...oh well. It's kind of like Voldemort...he only has power when you give him power. I mean, obviously Voldemort had power, but really he wouldn't have been able to do a whole lot without his followers...when he was nothing but a worm thing. Ok, done with the Harry Potter analogy. Anywho...the reality is, if Jesus Christ is real, which he definately is, then satan is real. And I'm getting just a little sick and tired of him. Ok, REALLY sick and tired of him. Constantly making me feel like I'm not good enough, constantly trying to put doubt and insecurities into my brain. Blah! I'm so sick of it, and I'm not allowing it anymore. I tell you what, the simple primary answers such as "read your scriptures," "say your prayers," "attend your church meetings" yada yada yada...really are TRUE. There's no other way to make satan stay away. I need prayer and scripture study desperately, like a bad sunburn needs Aloe Vera Gel. :) They're so soothing and comforting and make my insecurities and doubts flee.

I love the Gospel. No matter what satan, through the world, does to try and bring down Christ's true church, which holds His true and real Gospel, it just keeps growing and growing. The gospel of Jesus Christ never changes. Faith in Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end (keeping the commandments and partaking in other sacred ordinances:sacrament and others) is Christ's Gospel. I'm half way there my friends. So, I've just got to keep using faith and repentance to help me endure...and I WILL live forever with my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. They both love me are going to do everything in Their power to help me be with Them again. So I say once more...get thee hence, satan! You've got nothin' on me!

Wish list...

I don't know about y'all...but I hate t.v. these days. I know I know...there are probably a few good shows on every now and then. But, I just can't get into any of them. It seems to me that most shows revolve around some kind of commited crime and the investigation of that crime. The difference between each of these shows is the way in which the crime is discovered and resolved. I've also noticed that there aren't many half hour comedies on these days. Sure, there's the popular "The Office" but that's not even a good old fashion comedy. There's no laughter...it's supposed to be a mock of reality t.v. And, honestly, I haven't been able to bring myself to watch The Office, even though I don't doubt that it's a great show. I just can't stand the comercials...and waiting another week for the next episode. It drives me crazy. So, lately I've been dreaming up all of the old t.v. shows I would love to own on DVD. So far I have two different series. As stated before, I own all seasons of Gilmore Girls, and I also own all seasons of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. There are several other t.v. series I would LOVE to own. Here's a list, in no particular order.

-Judging Amy
-Any Day Now(Life Time)
-Rosanne
-Boy Meets World
-Step by Step
-Growing Pains
-Picket Fences
-Strong Medicine(Life Time)
-Designing Women
-Mad About You
-Profilers
-Who's the Boss?

Ok, so I said in no particular order, but I guess a couple of these I would want over others. I absolutely LOVE the drama Judging Amy. I find it so interesting. It's so deep and passionate with such controversal topics...I love it. Rosanne seriously makes me crack up every time I watch that show. I'm not sure what that says about my personality, but I seriously love that show and think it's hilarious. And, I really enjoy Mad About You. I've always wanted to own those DVDs. There's just something tender about a simple married couple learning, growing and loving together. I remember watching the shows Growing Pains and Who's The Boss as a child, so I'd love to own those for sentimental reasons. I LOVED those shows when I was little. Ah...good times. I love a good show. Something with depth and/or something that can make me laugh hysterically. I just can't find that anymore. So, that's my wish list...it will probably take a lifetime to fulfill, but it's fun to wish sometimes.

My Hermana Leener

Those of you who know my hermana know that she is engaged to be married on July 18th to Bobby Ulrich in the Portland, OR temple for time and ALL eternity. If you'd like to find out more about the engagement just click here.

Now, onto more important things. :) First off, I'd like to explain why I spell it "Leener" instead of "Leaner" like so many people do. Everyone who spells it out "Leaner" is wrong. You see, Leener is my sister's nick-name. My sister's name, for those of you who don't know, is Kayleen. Obviously, Leener was taken from the "leen" part of KayLEEN. My dad came up with it when she was very very small. Because it comes from the "leen" part of Kayleen, it would be spelled "Leener." There you go. I can now proceed with my post.

My sister Kayleen, or Leener as I like to reffer to her in the blogging world...is very high on my list of favorite people. Let me explain....

Kayleener and I never got along while growing up. What a nice way to start this off huh? :) I'll proceed.... We were, and still are in MANY ways, complete and TOTAL opposites. We think differently, we express ourselves differently, for the most part we have very different tastes in many different things...such as clothes, jewlry and music...with a few exceptions. Kayleen and I made very different choices in school activities and people we hung out with. Kayleen was on the dance team...I was in marching band. We did cross paths in our interests such as choir...we both loved/love to sing. But that was basically the only thing we both enjoyed doing. Kayleen was always very much into fashion...I was the ugly tom boy for a lot of my life. I'm a very imotional person...and have to talk everything to DEATH...you know, resolve everything. Kayleen, on the other hand, while emotional at times, can usually stay in control of her emotions, and doesn't really enjoy talking things to death. She can leave them be, and get over it. Basically, we were, and still are, VERY different.

I always made it look like I dissaproved of Kayleen. I know...terrible. For whatever reason...we had labels placed upon us. Whether we did it to ourselves...or the people around us did it, I'm not sure. Maybe a little bit of both actually. But, I was the "angel child" who could do no wrong and Kayleen was the "black sheep" the trouble maker. Now, quite honestly, both labels can be difficult. Being known as the "angel child" has always been hard. It's a huge burden to carry, and I was constantly walking around worried that one day I would loose my balance and fall off of the extremely high pedistal I had been put on. Being the "black sheep" or trouble child also has its disadvantages. Obviously the black sheep is compared to the angel child...and no matter how hard he/she tries to scrape the "black" off, the people around him/her who watch him/her grow up just won't allow it. In people's eyes, he/she is and always will be the "black sheep." So...we filled those expectations. It was a hard life...but it was the life we chose. So...what am I getting at? I'll tell you.

I've always admired my beautiful sister, Kayleen Nicole Perry. Even though growing up together was difficult, in reality, she had many qualities I wished I could have. She always got whatever she put her mind to. She has a "go get it" attitude. She's not hesitant. She sees something she wants, and she doesn't stop until she gets it. Today she is living on her own, living the life she planned out. She's worked hard to get where she is. She works in a really nice salon, doing what she loves, and she does it really really well. She's engaged to an awesome guy that our family loves. They've been through hell and back together, and the most important part of that phrase is that they made it BACK. They are on the straight and narrow path to eternal happiness. I watched as they went through hell...and recently I've watched as they approach the beginning of what could be and will be (with hard work) eternal bliss. I've seen the changes they've made and the hardships they've had to go through. My sister has done so much and come so far, and quite frankly, I admire her more than she'll ever know. Sure, she'll probably read this sometime in the near future, but she'll never really know. She's beautiful inside and out, and I only hope that one day I'll have achieved everything she has. I know she has a strong testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I've watched her live it. Watching her stretch, grow, and learn in the Gospel has strengthened my testimony soooo much. Because of her I was able to survive the return of my mission. She let me tag along with her everywhere she went, making me feel wanted and loved. I'm so thankful Heavenly Father blessed me with such a sweet sister. Sure we still fight occationally...but if we didn't, life would get boring. I love you Kayleener!

What's new?

I'm getting a car not long after I arrive in Utah. What car? A 1999 Mercury Sable. Ugly? Yes. A great deal? Yes...$1,800 to $2,000 after it's been fixed up. Great for my first car? Yes. Reliable from a very reliable source? Yes. What will I name it? Willy...as in the whale from "Free Willy."

I'm moving to Utah in one day...road trippin' it. Fun stuff. Gotta love that 12-14 hour drive, depending on who you're driving with. And when you're driving with Chuck, it's usually 14 hours. :) We're leaving at 2:00 a.m. Wednesday morning. It's Monday night right now. Not long. Not long at all.

Colby Smith returned. :) We've talked ever day since he's come home. Exciting? Yes! Tired of writing and talking but not seeing? Yes. Ready to hug him? Yes.

My desire to loose weight has grown sooo much in the past couple of weeks. Colby's return coupled with my sister's wedding has lit a fire under me and I plan on making my life in Utah one full of healthy choices and mucho exercise. Somethin's gotta give.

Why do I cry?

Why do I cry everytime I'm mad?
Why do I cry whenever I feel the Spirit strongly?
Why do I cry when my feelings get hurt?
Why do I cry whenever I watch two people falling in love?
Why do I cry when I think about my mission?
Why do I cry when others are hurting?
Why do I cry when someone with powerful vocal chords is singing...even if the song isn't that special?
Why do I cry when I feel guilty?
Why do I cry when I'm excited?
Why do I cry when I serve or someone serves me?
Why do I cry when I see a brand new baby?
Why do I cry when someone tells me they knew my dad?

I am a very emotional person. Friday, I took the day off of work...both jobs. It was wonderful. During the morning I cleaned the house in preparation for my mom's surprise birthday party. During that process, I think I teared up a couple times just thinking of specific moments in my life. After cleaning, I watched Run Away Bride. Throughout that movie, I cried several times...none of which could really be defined as "sad" moments. But, for some reason, my emotions got the better of me and the story of two people falling in love made me cry. I cry all of the time. No matter what time of the month it is. :) Is that a bad thing? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But it's who I am. I cry in anticipation of Spiritual experiences. I cry in anticipation of special, happy experiences. I cry in anticipation of sad experiences. I don't even have to be experiencing them yet...just the anticipation moves me to tears. WOW. Why am I writing about this? I don't know. It's just been on my mind lately. I'm a very emotional person...a very "feeling" oriented person. And that's ok. And it's ok if people aren't. You don't HAVE to cry to feel the Spirit. In fact, sometimes tears can be misleading. Sometimes it's better not to cry when the Spirit is felt, because it's easy to confuse emotion and the Spirit. It's a good thing when people can express their feelings without getting so heated with tears. People can feel sad and sympathetic without tears. We're all different. We all have special, different, unique qualities. I'm emotional...some people aren't. And thank goodness. That's what makes the world go round.