Where does 90% my heart belong?

I'm a girl who anticipates. I love to anticipate things and I love having something to anticipate. In fact, sometimes the anticipation of a big event is more fun than the actual event at times. I'm also a girl who MUST have something to work towards in life. I have a hard time just floating along without a purpous. I doubt I'm the only one. I think most people desire some kind of purpose in their lives. So...what is my purpose right now? On the mission, of course we'd teach that our purpose in this life is to prepare to meet God. Well, once we've got that down (or have an understanding of it) then we've got to figure out how to survive during this preparatory state.

Survival. Not my favorite part of life. I'm not a competative girl. Never have been, probably never will be. When someone gets something over me, I usually say "congrats, they deserved it more than I, or Heavenly Father has a different plan for me." Even in games...I enjoy PLAYING the game, not winning the game. I don't have to win to enjoy myself. As long as it's a fun, interesting game, I'm totally fine with not winning. I just like playing...of course, with a winning purpose, but I still have fun if winning is not an option for me. So, this part of life is difficult for me. One where I feel I have to fight to stay above water. Compete for the jobs, compete for the schools, compete for the classes, compete for the guys. NOT MY FAVORITE.

With that said...my love life is, um, dry at the moment. What happened??? Eh...well, nothing in particular. I guess most of my heart just hasn't found its home like it thought it did. Before the mission, I put my heart into school. Then, the mission came, and I put my WHOLE heart into that. When I came home...50% of it was still there, 40% of it was with a sertain somone and the other 10% of it (is the math adding up?) was left with me...in order to stay alive...keep the blood flowing, continue making friends...so on and so forth. Well, more and more time goes by...making the mission more and more of a dream. And, apparently, the sertain someone seems to be trying to hand 40% of my heart back to me. The thing is...I don't really want the 90% back. I feel better about life when I have something to put my heart into. So...WHAT do I put it into right now?

I was not accepted to BYU in Provo. BIG shock. Not really. I didn't really want to go there in the first place, it just would have helped out A LOT with the money situation. I did get accepted to BYU-Idaho for the winter/summer track and I could also go to UVU. At one point in time I had a reason for coming to Utah. Now...I'm not so sure. So, why spend BIG bucks on an education at UVU when I could go back to BYU-Idaho, get on the fast grad program and finnish up in a year? Do I live with the Petersons until the winter? Do I move out in the fall to live with a couple past companions (which I really want to do) for a few months before the winter? That would be fun, but should I spend that money to do that? I just found out that Deseret Book has hired me, but it will probably only be for a part time position. So, should I take some classes in the meantime? Or, should I try to save up as much money as possible before going back to BYU-I? Should I go back to BYU-I? Maybe I am in Utah for a different reason than I thought.... Is 9 months enough time to see if Utah is the place for me? Shall I reside here for now, but have BYU-I in January be my ultimate goal? See...I don't know where my heart belongs. I don't know what to throw myself into. Is social envoronment more important, or is finnishing school in a timely matter more important? Utah=better atmosphere for a single woman my age but longer time and more expensive to finnish school. Idaho=younger, smaller atmosphere...not the best for a 24-year-old returned missionary but faster and less expensive to finnish school. I have nothing to anticipate and not much to work towards right now. My life is very much up in the air. Where does the rest of my heart belong?