Nobody's blogging

Including me. I don't feel like changing that at the moment. But you all should. I need more reading material.:)

I'm happy! With a little bit of sadness mixed in.

Today I realized, I'm happy. I'm pretty dang happy. For no particular reason. Except, I'm just really happy and content with my life right at the moment.

The Christmas season adds to my happiness. I love listening to sweet melodies of the Savior's life. I love sitting by the tree...looking at the lights and feeling the peace this season brings. The peace the Savior brings all year long.

I recently found out that my job with the government may be ending sooner than anticipated. Apparently, they had less funding for a contract worker than they thought. They really want to keep me, but there's not a lot they can do....except for a few ideas that are in the works. We're trying, but it's not promising.

This job has been so good for me. It's boosted my self-confidence in so many ways. In a way, it reminds me a bit of my mission...in the sense that, I'm dealing with people of all sorts of backgrounds, cultures,and  beliefs. I get to help them progress toward something good.

I've also grown to LOVE my co-workers. I've made some dear friends in just the last 5 weeks. A couple of them, I'm sure, will remain close friends of mine even after I part with the job.

So, this job has added to my happiness. The fact that it's ending causes me some sadness. But things will work out the way they're supposed to.

I sprained my ankle. And it's ugly. Black and blue all over...and still a bit swollen, a week after the fact. I haven't seen a doctor, because several people have told me I don't need to. But everyone at work thinks I should see a doctor. BUT...I can walk on it. Granted, it hurts...but when I wear a brace I'm fine. So, I know I didn't break it. The only thing I don't know is...if there's a small fracture, or if I tore anything that can't grow back. Haha...I don't know what's in an ankle or foot. But anyway...it's bumming me out a bit, because I can't run, and I was supposed to run another 5K at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve along the Waterfront in Portland. Oh well...I guess I'll have to do it next year. The up side of this whole thing is...AT LEAST the sprain happened two days AFTER my first beautiful 5K.

My roommate's mom just passed away from cancer last week. My roommate went home to say goodbye and won't be back for another month. My heart is breaking for her. I know that some of you, the readers of my blog, have experienced the same thing...recently or farther in the past. And my heart breaks for you too. The fact that I live with my roommate has obviously brought it a lot closer to the surface for me...and I've been reliving the feelings of losing a parent...and I've also been aching for my step-siblings who lost their mother at the same stage in life as my roommate is right now. I spent quite a bit of time on Sunday just shedding tear after tear for everyone's loss...because I know the pain. I don't know their own specific pain, but I know a similar pain...

But through all the heart-break I've been feeling on behalf of other people...I've also felt the Savior's love for all those who are feeling in despair. Especially, like I said before, during this Christmas season. I love the Savior so much...for the fact that only HE can truly ease our burdens and comfort our aching hearts. And the fact that he wants to...and does it willingly. I'm comforted in knowing that, while I can't comfort those who are struggling the way I wish I could, I know the Savior can.

So...I'm happy. Definitely happy. With a little sadness mixed in there too. And that's okay...that's life.

Crying at the finish line

So, as many of you know...I ran my first 5K over Thanksgiving weekend.

My very first 5K was a homemade 5K on Thanksgiving morning/noonish. Kayleen and I just programmed 3.1 miles into my phone, and we ran until it told us to stop. Good ole technology.

My second 5K, and first official race, took place last Saturday...the Saturday after Thanksgiving. It was beautiful.

I don't have much to say about it, really. I mean, it was *just* a 5K.

Side note:

When I signed up, the helper guy was like, "Which one are you signing up for?" There were a couple different races taking place over the weekend. I sheepishly said, "Just the 5K." He said, "There's no "JUST" about a 5K. You claim that 5K. Be proud of it. Don't ever put 'just' in front of '5K' again." So I said, "Well, to be honest, I've been working really hard to be able to run this 5K." And he said, "See...and you're going to rock it. Good for you!"

So, back to what I have to actually say about the 5K. I have never considered myself a runner. In fact, I was so far removed from the "runner" status...suggesting I'd ever run a 5K without walking during it was seriously laughable. Like, a year ago, I would have totally laughed at the thought. The thought of running for exercise...or heaven forbid, pleasure...was really quite sickening to me.

But, as y'all know, I've been living a paleo lifestyle since the beginning of August 2011. And this paleo lifestyle has helped me shed some unwanted poundage. It's given me more energy and made me feel better. Also, moving to Washington, D.C....and then to Seattle, WA both forced me to walk a TON. No car = walk everywhere. Even when you ride public transportation, you're still walking lots and lots. And let me tell you, Seattle has HILLS. Many of them. So, the walking has helped me feel better as well...and shed some more unwanted poundage.

So, I've always envied people who enjoy running. I've wished I could be that person who feels free and energized by running. I love the thought of just jogging on beautiful trails and seeing the sights of the world while getting my heart rate up and giving my body its needed exercise. But like I said, I was never that person.

I had heard of the Couch to 5K program a few times before, but I always felt too lazy to try it. The thought of running overwhelmed me. Totally intimidated me...and really, terrified me. But finally, a friend suggested it when I told her I'd always secretly wanted to be a runner, and she said, "Just do the Couch to 5K program. You can do anything for 10 weeks. If you don't like running at the end of 10 weeks...give it up." At this point in my life, I finally felt like my body had the energy and ability to start running.

So I did, slowly...but surly. I didn't give up. I pushed through. I had some stuff come up here and there that would disrupt my schedule...but I forced myself to stick with it and keep going.

And I made it. I made it to my 5K. I really can't put into words the ENORMOUS accomplishment this is for me. There just aren't words for it. I'm not a physical person. I never do physical things. My physical abilities and attributes have always been a big part of my lack of confidence and my self loathing.

And thus...I cried at the finish line of my 5K. Kayleen jogged the whole way with me. She could have finished much faster than I, but she wanted to do it with me. When we got toward the end, she asked if she could sprint ahead so she could take a picture of me crossing the finish line. I liked that idea. So, as I jogged that last little bit alone, I was able to think and ponder on all the hard work that brought me to that moment. The encouragement from friends and family. The sacrifice of my time. The pain at times. And, as I came up to the entrance of the stadium near the Space Needle and heard Kelly Clarkson booming out of the loud speakers "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger" and saw all these people cheering everyone on at the end....the tears began to fill my eyes. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. But, I didn't let my crying last long, because I wanted to look somewhat presentable for the pictures at the end. :) Don't you love how vanity gets in the way of beautiful emotion? Ah...to be a girl.

Anywho...it was a beautiful feeling. One I imagine feeling when I get to hug the Savior at the finish line of this life.

You don't have any enemies.

"You don't have any enemies. Everyone is on your side." - Michael Caine

We watched a how-to-act documentary in my film production class today. Mainly to get pointers as a director, how to help actors achieve what you want them to achieve.

The teacher of the documentary was Michael Caine (in movies such as Batman, Second Hand Lions and many others). He was teaching actors how to become vulnerable...how to be the very best actor they could be. And those are the words that struck me hardest.

"You don't have any enemies. Everyone is on your side."

I feel like these words are super profound...not just with acting, but with life in general. As he spoke those words, the thought came to my head "I'd succeed at everything I attempted in life, if only I had that mindset."

Many times, I walk around worried about what people are thinking about me. Worried that I'll mess up and someone will pounce on my mistakes. This is partially why it's so exhausting to be in my brain. I never quite think I'm good enough...which makes me think others will never quite think I'm good enough. And often, that can mess with my true abilities. If I'm constantly worried I'll mess up or that someone will pounce on me, how can I truly be free to live...to be the best me I can be? I can't be my best if I'm constantly afraid of failure.

The Atonement makes it possible for me to live as though I don't have enemies. The Savior is on my side. He doesn't pounce on me when I fail. He doesn't yell at me or say "YOU LOSER." No, He lifts me up. He shows me the way. He asks me to try again.

I need to walk around with the idea that I don't have any enemies. That everyone is on my side. Because Christ is on my side, and He's the most important of them all.

When my brain takes a nose-dive

My sister tells me that it would be exhausting to be in my head...or to have my thoughts. She's telling me....

I went home this weekend, and my niece wanted to go shopping in South East Portland at some retro, vintage shops and then get something to eat at the food carts or something in celebration of her birthday. Sounded like fun. I tagged along, as well as did my mom and Chuck and some other family members.

I loved the vintage store, and really love the prices of all the items at the vintage store. I soon had my hands full of about 5 or 6 things. When everyone started to leave, my mom and I began counting up the costs of my items. It all equaled out to somewhere between $50 and $60.

Because it was over $50, my brain went into panic mode. I'm not sure what it is about the number 50...but when you couple it with a dollar sign, I start to freak out. If things are under $50, or right at $50...I'm usually okay, but over $50 and I think I'm going bankrupt.

I could actually use new clothes, as I'm losing weight. And, these things were super cheap. But as I stand there, trying to decide if I should buy the one item that was pushing the cost past $50, I saw my life flash before my eyes.

I started to panic. I thought, "If I buy this jacket, I may not be able to afford, rent, or I'll have to dip into my school money, and then I won't be able to afford school." I started to calculate my income, accounting for tithing and taxes, and I began to seriously hyperventilate, wondering if I'd be making $12.50/hr for the rest of my life...and having to worry about buying a USED jacket for a REALLY DECENT price forever.

My mind was seriously running like crazy, but I just couldn't make up my mind on whether to buy the jacket or not. It was a good jacket. A cute jacket. An amazing deal. A jacket I would look good in and would get a lot of use out of. But, as I freaked out in my head...and through many facial expressions, I'm sure...along with a few words (but not many)...my mom just eventually grabbed the jacket from me and said, "This jacket isn't worth the stress it's causing you." And she hung it back up.

But the damage had been done. I walked over to the check-out lady, and it took all my energy to focus on her and paste a smile on my face as she tried to make chit-chat and tell me they no longer offer platic bags...but she'd charge me $2 for a bag if I'd like. I smiled, said "whatever" as I imagined myself crawling into a cardboard box on the side of a dirty road.

In other news....

I make a horrible single Mormon woman. I do not enjoy FHE or ward activities. They give me anxiety, and I just feel like they're not worth the physical and mental pain they cause me.

Happiness Jar

This is my happiness jar. Sorry for the bad picture quality...my phone is on its last leg. Especially with me trying to use its navigational system in the rain. But anyway... This is my happiness jar.

I use it like a journal, but it's less pressure than a journal. It holds little notes of things that made me happy throughout the day. I started doing this last week at work, but I didn't have a jar, so I just filled a coffee hot chocolate mug with the notes. I found some time to make a jar last night, and I get happy just looking at the jar. I love my happiness jar. :)

I got the idea from Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love. I follow her on Facebook, and she's constantly posting pictures of different happiness jars, jars that her fans have made after Elizabeth announced she was going to make and use one.

Obviously, in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we're taught to keep journals...journals of blessings and gratitude, and spiritual happenings in our lives. I used to keep journals...I have books and books filled up from my elementary, middle school, high school and beginning of college days. But for the past few years, I've found keeping a journal to be really overwhelming. Trying to write down every detail of the day...or every thing I felt...it just got to be a lot of pressure. I always feel like I have to sound brilliant...or really deep when trying to fill a book of blank pages with my life.

I do not, however, feel pressure with my happiness jar. And what I notice is, A LOT of things bring me happiness. And I don't have to use big words or lengthy sentences to explain those things. I can just jot a little note and I'm good to go. Love it. I'm excited to fill the whole jar up and then go back through and read them all. THEN maybe I'll paste them in a book, and fill the jar up again.

Yay for journaling in our own ways. :)

The real me comes out.

Happy Halloween!