When my brain takes a nose-dive

My sister tells me that it would be exhausting to be in my head...or to have my thoughts. She's telling me....

I went home this weekend, and my niece wanted to go shopping in South East Portland at some retro, vintage shops and then get something to eat at the food carts or something in celebration of her birthday. Sounded like fun. I tagged along, as well as did my mom and Chuck and some other family members.

I loved the vintage store, and really love the prices of all the items at the vintage store. I soon had my hands full of about 5 or 6 things. When everyone started to leave, my mom and I began counting up the costs of my items. It all equaled out to somewhere between $50 and $60.

Because it was over $50, my brain went into panic mode. I'm not sure what it is about the number 50...but when you couple it with a dollar sign, I start to freak out. If things are under $50, or right at $50...I'm usually okay, but over $50 and I think I'm going bankrupt.

I could actually use new clothes, as I'm losing weight. And, these things were super cheap. But as I stand there, trying to decide if I should buy the one item that was pushing the cost past $50, I saw my life flash before my eyes.

I started to panic. I thought, "If I buy this jacket, I may not be able to afford, rent, or I'll have to dip into my school money, and then I won't be able to afford school." I started to calculate my income, accounting for tithing and taxes, and I began to seriously hyperventilate, wondering if I'd be making $12.50/hr for the rest of my life...and having to worry about buying a USED jacket for a REALLY DECENT price forever.

My mind was seriously running like crazy, but I just couldn't make up my mind on whether to buy the jacket or not. It was a good jacket. A cute jacket. An amazing deal. A jacket I would look good in and would get a lot of use out of. But, as I freaked out in my head...and through many facial expressions, I'm sure...along with a few words (but not many)...my mom just eventually grabbed the jacket from me and said, "This jacket isn't worth the stress it's causing you." And she hung it back up.

But the damage had been done. I walked over to the check-out lady, and it took all my energy to focus on her and paste a smile on my face as she tried to make chit-chat and tell me they no longer offer platic bags...but she'd charge me $2 for a bag if I'd like. I smiled, said "whatever" as I imagined myself crawling into a cardboard box on the side of a dirty road.

In other news....

I make a horrible single Mormon woman. I do not enjoy FHE or ward activities. They give me anxiety, and I just feel like they're not worth the physical and mental pain they cause me.