You don't have any enemies.

"You don't have any enemies. Everyone is on your side." - Michael Caine

We watched a how-to-act documentary in my film production class today. Mainly to get pointers as a director, how to help actors achieve what you want them to achieve.

The teacher of the documentary was Michael Caine (in movies such as Batman, Second Hand Lions and many others). He was teaching actors how to become vulnerable...how to be the very best actor they could be. And those are the words that struck me hardest.

"You don't have any enemies. Everyone is on your side."

I feel like these words are super profound...not just with acting, but with life in general. As he spoke those words, the thought came to my head "I'd succeed at everything I attempted in life, if only I had that mindset."

Many times, I walk around worried about what people are thinking about me. Worried that I'll mess up and someone will pounce on my mistakes. This is partially why it's so exhausting to be in my brain. I never quite think I'm good enough...which makes me think others will never quite think I'm good enough. And often, that can mess with my true abilities. If I'm constantly worried I'll mess up or that someone will pounce on me, how can I truly be free to live...to be the best me I can be? I can't be my best if I'm constantly afraid of failure.

The Atonement makes it possible for me to live as though I don't have enemies. The Savior is on my side. He doesn't pounce on me when I fail. He doesn't yell at me or say "YOU LOSER." No, He lifts me up. He shows me the way. He asks me to try again.

I need to walk around with the idea that I don't have any enemies. That everyone is on my side. Because Christ is on my side, and He's the most important of them all.

When my brain takes a nose-dive

My sister tells me that it would be exhausting to be in my head...or to have my thoughts. She's telling me....

I went home this weekend, and my niece wanted to go shopping in South East Portland at some retro, vintage shops and then get something to eat at the food carts or something in celebration of her birthday. Sounded like fun. I tagged along, as well as did my mom and Chuck and some other family members.

I loved the vintage store, and really love the prices of all the items at the vintage store. I soon had my hands full of about 5 or 6 things. When everyone started to leave, my mom and I began counting up the costs of my items. It all equaled out to somewhere between $50 and $60.

Because it was over $50, my brain went into panic mode. I'm not sure what it is about the number 50...but when you couple it with a dollar sign, I start to freak out. If things are under $50, or right at $50...I'm usually okay, but over $50 and I think I'm going bankrupt.

I could actually use new clothes, as I'm losing weight. And, these things were super cheap. But as I stand there, trying to decide if I should buy the one item that was pushing the cost past $50, I saw my life flash before my eyes.

I started to panic. I thought, "If I buy this jacket, I may not be able to afford, rent, or I'll have to dip into my school money, and then I won't be able to afford school." I started to calculate my income, accounting for tithing and taxes, and I began to seriously hyperventilate, wondering if I'd be making $12.50/hr for the rest of my life...and having to worry about buying a USED jacket for a REALLY DECENT price forever.

My mind was seriously running like crazy, but I just couldn't make up my mind on whether to buy the jacket or not. It was a good jacket. A cute jacket. An amazing deal. A jacket I would look good in and would get a lot of use out of. But, as I freaked out in my head...and through many facial expressions, I'm sure...along with a few words (but not many)...my mom just eventually grabbed the jacket from me and said, "This jacket isn't worth the stress it's causing you." And she hung it back up.

But the damage had been done. I walked over to the check-out lady, and it took all my energy to focus on her and paste a smile on my face as she tried to make chit-chat and tell me they no longer offer platic bags...but she'd charge me $2 for a bag if I'd like. I smiled, said "whatever" as I imagined myself crawling into a cardboard box on the side of a dirty road.

In other news....

I make a horrible single Mormon woman. I do not enjoy FHE or ward activities. They give me anxiety, and I just feel like they're not worth the physical and mental pain they cause me.

Happiness Jar

This is my happiness jar. Sorry for the bad picture quality...my phone is on its last leg. Especially with me trying to use its navigational system in the rain. But anyway... This is my happiness jar.

I use it like a journal, but it's less pressure than a journal. It holds little notes of things that made me happy throughout the day. I started doing this last week at work, but I didn't have a jar, so I just filled a coffee hot chocolate mug with the notes. I found some time to make a jar last night, and I get happy just looking at the jar. I love my happiness jar. :)

I got the idea from Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love. I follow her on Facebook, and she's constantly posting pictures of different happiness jars, jars that her fans have made after Elizabeth announced she was going to make and use one.

Obviously, in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we're taught to keep journals...journals of blessings and gratitude, and spiritual happenings in our lives. I used to keep journals...I have books and books filled up from my elementary, middle school, high school and beginning of college days. But for the past few years, I've found keeping a journal to be really overwhelming. Trying to write down every detail of the day...or every thing I felt...it just got to be a lot of pressure. I always feel like I have to sound brilliant...or really deep when trying to fill a book of blank pages with my life.

I do not, however, feel pressure with my happiness jar. And what I notice is, A LOT of things bring me happiness. And I don't have to use big words or lengthy sentences to explain those things. I can just jot a little note and I'm good to go. Love it. I'm excited to fill the whole jar up and then go back through and read them all. THEN maybe I'll paste them in a book, and fill the jar up again.

Yay for journaling in our own ways. :)

The real me comes out.

Happy Halloween!

 

Sleep

I ain't gettin' any. And it sucks. I know I'm just psyching myself out at night. I'm so tired; I had a private breakdown at work on my lunch break. Crying. Couldn't stop.It was crazy. And it will happen again tomorrow if I don't fall asleep soon. Been lying in bed for an hour. Nope. Not happening. Hope you all are getting some sleep.

I'm sick, and I feel like rambling.

*There is a very real possibility that the following blog post makes no sense. But I'm posting it anyway.

This is what I look like at this very second.

I'm sick. In case you can't tell from the picture. I mainly posted those pics for Sundy's pleasure. I feel like she might get a kick out of those for some reason.... Maybe everyone else enjoyed them too.

I'm sportin' a hoodie look, as I usually do when I'm sick. It makes me feel better. I don't know why.

Thursday night, I spent the night at my sister's apartment in Redmond. It's only 20 minutes away from where I live. But because I do not own a car, I have the pleasure of using public transportation. Which turns the 20-minute commute to Kayleen's place into an hour and a half commute...that is, if I don't miss a bus due to traffic. Hahaha...I get a kick out of just explaining it. Can you just picture me getting off  one bus, trying to figure out where the next bus stop is...somewhere close by...only to find it one minute too late, as I run to try to flag down the bus that I need? Hahaha...it's not funny in the moment. But it's funny replaying it in my head. Guys, I swear under my breath when I'm frustrated. It's something I need to work on. Please don't judge me. I'm an open book; I find it easier to live life when I'm not pretending that I'm perfect. Then I actually have the courage to try to change.

Anyway......

So, I wake up Friday morning, on Kayleen's couch (it's comfortable) with a soar throat. And I think to myself "What the crud? I start a brand new job in 3 days. Dang."

Let me just say...In the year and a half that I've been eating paleo style, this is only the 2nd time I've gotten sick. And BOTH times were RIGHT BEFORE starting a brand new job. I think that says something. Something like...maybe I should never work again. :) Or, I need to learn how to not stress before entering new situations.

So, after waking up and watching Perry eat breakfast (that kid is SO entertaining to watch, especially when she's eating. She treats it as a sport or something. She loves food...SO MUCH.) I head out at about 8:20 a.m. to be able to get home around 10 a.m. But oh...I missed a bus. Hahaha. So I didn't get home 'til closer to 11.

Then I headed to RITE AID and bought every cold medication they had in the "cold" section. The check-out lady was probably afraid to touch the merchandise I had just had in my hands and plopped on the counter for her to scan.

When I got back to my house, I had a sporadic deep conversation with two of my roommates, from which I learned some deep things about one of my roommates. It's funny how those things just spring up out of nowhere. We have now bonded more in 20 minutes than in 3 weeks of living together.

I proceeded to stress out about whether I should skip a day or two of my Couch To 5K program, because I didn't want it to make me more sick, but I didn't want to skip it either. After asking Facebook's opinion (because really, with modern technology and social media, who makes decisions on their own anymore?) I decided to go jogging.

I'm now volunteering at a place called The Healing Center (a community for grieving individuals who've lost loved ones to death) and I needed to stop by yesterday to drop something off. It's about 2 miles away from me, and I thought 'I'll just jog there, and then I'll take the bus back.'

So, I jogged there. The jogging seemed to help me feel better, which made me happy...and I was glad I decided to go for it. UNTIL...my journey home.

I realized, that it probably wasn't the smartest thing to be outside in the cold wind, with a sweaty body. I waited for the bus...and it was like 10 minutes late. While I was waiting, a high school or middle school let out...and before I knew it, a MILLION kids were swarming in front of me. By the time I was finally able to get on to the CITY BUS (since when do kids not ride their own school bus home???) the bus was too full for me to get on! WHAT? So, I proceeded to walk home...because I was ticked, and just didn't want to wait longer for another bus. So, my sweaty, sick body was outside in the cold for over an hour. How smart am I? SO smart.

Guys, the moral of my story is, there is no moral. This is my life. I do what I want, when I want. It's wonderful and not wonderful all at the same time. I have no one to take care of...no one to report to. It's fabulous and not fabulous all at the same time. I have no husband to argue with...no husband to support me in my break-downs. I have no screaming kids to keep me from the things I want to pursue; I have no laughing children to remind me of the reality of God's love.

Envy is stupid. So is jealousy. We have no clue of people's challenges. They may seem smaller than our own, but guess what...they're so different from ours, we can't even begin to imagine how that person is experiencing life...let alone their challenges.

It is what it is. I'm sick. And I have my hoodie to comfort me. And netflix. :)

Kiss On The Go

My first video-production assignment.