I think I'm going to scream

Sometimes...okay, all the time, I get a little frustrated with the mindset of many people in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Let me preface this post by saying, I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the church Jesus Christ established on the earth when He walked the earth and the church that He instructed Joseph Smith to restore. I believe the Gospel that is taught within the church buildings (and outside) is true, and I believe God's authority resides in this church. I do NOT, however...do NOT believe the people of the church are perfect...or even know what the *hay* they're talking about half the time.

So, with that said, I will continue with my post.

This blog will probably make me sound extremely frustrated. In all actuality, I'm not half as frustrated as my writing will probably lead you to believe. But, my frustration does go in spurts, so...whatever that means.

Women are treated like ticking time bombs...or, maybe a better comparison, ripening fruit. Temple marriage, coupled with motherhood is the END ALL BE ALL of this life. You have arrived once these two things take place. Until then...each year that passes without these two things happening causes you to ripen, blossom...and ultimately rot. In everyone's minds (yes...I'm overstating), you're just filling time until those things happen. You can't honestly enjoy your life...you're just biding time...hoping, praying, yearning for these things to happen.

How many times have you heard someone give a talk or a lesson in church who says, "All our children served full-time missions and are now sealed in the temple." They say this as if it's some trophy they can raise up to the world. Look at how GREAT my parenting skills are!!! We made it! We got our children to the freakin' finish line!!!

First of all, that's not the finish line. Second, does that mean my mom is a horrible mother? One of her children was married in the temple, but the other two...I may never marry, and Kevin may never serve a mission. Does that mean we're bad? Does that mean my mom is a bad mother? My step-dad is a bad father-figure?

Once, I attended the temple sealing and wedding reception of a good friend. She's younger than I am. As I was mingling at the wedding reception, I heard the bride's mother say, "Finally, my last one is married. I can breathe now. She's off my plate of responsibility," or something to that effect. Quite disturbing...for a 27-year-old single woman to hear that.

I especially get tired of needing to explain all of my life choices to people...on a daily basis, it seams. Once I've finished my explanation of how I'm spending my time here on earth, I hear a lot of "good-for-you's"...with tones of "I feel sad for you, but at least you're trying to make something of your life, since your main purpose doesn't seem to be a possibility." Seriously...that tone. Ohhhh, how it erks me.

I'm going to be perfectly HONEST. There have been very few times I felt like the "marriage type." Even when I was younger, I couldn't really grasp the idea of ever getting married. And quite frankly, I've never had a ton of options. I'm not a girl who turns boys' heads as I walk past. I'm not someone who is frequently asked out on dates. I can get dates...and usually, when I do, the boy sticks around for a while. But it's not as easy for me as it is for some women. I don't, nor have I ever (except for a brief time when the prospect of marriage was a reality for me) thought in terms of "pre-marriage/post-marriage." I am not biding my time until marriage and babies come into my life. I do not measure my worth on how many dates I get per year. And I do not worry about when I will get married or have babies.

Usually, if I do worry, I'm more worried about what other people are thinking about me. That's my biggest weakness. I don't like people to pity me...or look down on me...or wonder why I'm not married. Those are my worries...the thoughts of others. BUT, I'm rarely EVER worried about the actuality of those things happening, because I KNOW they will happen in the Lord's time. Whenever I pray about it (which is honestly a rare occurrence, because seriously...marriage is not on the forefront of my mind) I feel peace. I feel calm. I feel like I do not need to worry or stress about it, because the Lord's got it covered. It will happen when it's supposed to...and I just need to focus on becoming the best me, for me. And for the Lord. Not for boys...not to be more lovable by boys. But to be more Godlike. More loving and understanding of other people. To be HAPPY with myself!

So when people approach me with that tone...that "gosh it must be hard not to be fulfilling your divine destiny as a wife and a mother" tone...I just want to scream. Either that or walk away. Because I just don't have the energy to try and educate 85% of the Mormon population on the fact that I'm seriously okay...and I don't spend every waking minute thinking about how I'm single.

Maybe, if you all print this blog post out, and read it to the people you encounter...you can do the work for me. :)

I'm so excited for D.C. I'm excited to live on my own far away from everything I know, to further my education in a field I'm passionate about, to make new friends and meet a diverse group of people...to live MY life...the life God has given me!

Updates on the life

Hey friends.

I'm moving to DC in less than one week. LESS than. ONE. week. What? How did this happen?

Weirdness. Craziness. Scariness. Excitingness.

Side note: A friend of mine and I used to say "burrrr" a lot, because it was cold outside. Then, for some reason we started adding "ness" to it. Burrrness. We even went as far as adding "nuh" to that, for whatever reason. Burrrrnessnuh. Weird. Anyway, From that point on, I've pretty much added "ness" onto every word I can come up with. Not all the time, just when it's appropriate. :)

Okay, enough with ness.

Life has been weird as of late. I feel kind of like I did prior to leaving on my mission. Weird. I don't know what to expect. I'm jumping into something without researching it, without visiting, without exploring it beforehand. I'm jumping in pretty alone. Although, I do have a beloved cousin in DC, eagerly anticipating my arrival. So, that's cool. But, my mom isn't even going there with me to help me get settled!!! What the heck! It's like I'm TWENTY SEVEN or something.

So. I'm leaving. Getting on a plane and starting my "big kid" life. In DC. Very far away from home. But I'm super excited! I have no idea what will happen...and how it will happen, but I'm so ready for this step. Good times ahead. I'm sure I'll have some mini break-downs...panic attacks...and big kid tantrums. I have a rough time with change, even when I seek it. But, I'm prepared for it, so I'm hoping the preparation and readiness will calm the panic attacks a bit.

*****

My grandpa is not really improving. I went to visit him con mi hermana on Sunday. I had been under the impression that he would not recognize me. But I firmly believe he did. Both the sister and I believed he recognized us. He seemed happy to see us and even tried to respond to us a bit. He won't talk much. I think it exhausts him. He tried saying a few things here and there, with not much luck. We'd ask him direct questions, and he'd say "right" a lot. He always did use the word "right" in place of "yes" prior to his strokes anyway, so that's a normal Grandpa Perry thing. It was good to hear.

Kayleen and I sang to him. The first song we sang was The Star Spangled Banner. She sang soprano, and I sang alto. I must say, we sound pretty darn good together. :)  Either that, or we sound awful...cuz we brought my grandpa to tears. He got very emotional while we sang the song, which made my grandma teary eyed as well. My grandpa did serve his country in WWII, so that could have something to do with his emotion. But the doctors say that music effects a different part of the brain, and stroke victims often respond to music better than just speaking to them. We sang him Happy Birthday, because that's a song everyone sings several times a year since we're born...and we thought we could get him to sing it with us. He didn't sing the words with us, but he did sing the tune with "Bum bums."

I think he may be getting a surgery to prevent more strokes from happening. My grandma and uncles were trying to make that decision yesterday. Tough stuff.

*****

We've published two podcast episodes. We're off schedule with our third one, because my co-host, J.R., had a family emergency this last week. So, the podcast is on hold until things are a bit calmer in his life. It's still there, though...so go take a listen and PLEASE subscribe to us. We're on iTunes. Check. It. Out. :) We're trying to figure out all the ins and outs in order for the sound quality to be perfect. It will involve a bit of an investment...good mics and an upgrade on skype, but we'll eventually make it happen. We're having tons of fun with it so far, so I'm excited to take it even further in the future.

*****

I'm trying to stay stress-free. But...however I'm trying doesn't seem to be working. My jaw is hurting so bad, it's beyond description. I've been feeling so much anxiety lately, about school funding, job searching, apartment searching, packing up all my crap...and all the stress has made its way to my jaw. I don't grind my teeth. I don't even clench my teeth...so I'm not quite sure how my jaw becomes so tired, but it does. And I can feel that it's from tension. It's causing some major headaches...and I need to learn some tricks to get rid of it. Any suggestions? When I allow my brain to relax...by watching T.V. or engaging in a fun conversation with friends (about stuff other than what I'm stressing about) then my jaw relaxes. But, I can't watch T.V. all day...nor can I have fun conversations all the time either. I need some suggestions on how to get rid of this jaw stress/tension.

*****

Okay, I'm done with the updates. Life is good. Aside from the stress, I'm pretty happy. It feels good to be happy. I love where my life is and where it's headed. I have wonderful people and blessings in my life...and I can't wait to meet more beautiful people while I experience new things in this new adventure I'm about to take. Bring it on!

Grandpa Perry

My grandpa has had two strokes in the past week and a half. He was rapidly improving after his first one. So much so, that we were supposed to meet my grandparents for dinner tomorrow.

But, he had another one today...much more severe than the last. It was hard seeing him after the first one. He struggled for his words, couldn't quite form sentences. But I guess this time around, he's fading in and out...staring blankly at people, and his chances of recovering are much lower.

I'm feeling deeply thankful for him. He's such a sweet, good, tender man. I feel very thankful for following the promptings I had to finally start my "dad project" when I did. Just a few weeks ago, I was able to visit my grandparents and record their memories of my dad. Timing. It's not my time. It's God's. I'm thankful for the promptings I had...and that I followed them.

Ahhhh life. It ends. I know this well. It's how it's meant to be. But, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

He may improve. He may not. I don't know. I do know, though, that I love him dearly.

Comm Therapy!

The communication podcast you've always wanted in your life!!! It's finally arrived!!! :)

Okay, I created my podcast. :) You should listen to it. No, it's not perfect. But guess what! It's going to turn into something GREAT! I just know it. I can feel it. And if it doesn't...well, it will lead me into a direction of greatness. :)

You can find us on iTunes under podcasts. Just search Comm Therapy. We're there. :) How cool is that?

And, follow our blog at commtherapy.blogspot.com.

And, our RSS feed is http://commtherapypodcast.podomatic.com/rss2.xml if you're really into podcasts and have a nice little podcast catcher on your music-player of choice. :)

And, you can email us with feedback at commtherapy@gmail.com.

We'll learn and grow as we go...please be a part of our journey!

Thanks, friends.

P.S. If, for some reason, you like reading me on here...then why NOT listen to me as well!? ;)

Do It Now

I'm feeling very inspired at the moment.

Recently, I came to the conclusion that I've wasted a lot of my time daydreaming about things I want to do in the future. In reality, much of that "daydreaming time" could have gone toward actually executing those dreams. My problem seems to lie in wanting the END result or best possible outcome in the very beginning. That vision overwhelms me, and I give up on the idea before I even begin.

Not any longer, my friends! My new motto is, you've gotta make your own destiny! Pave your own path! Create your own fun!

And so it begins.

As you know from my recent "Dad" post, I've started creating a montage/documentary about my dad. That's just ONE of the MANY projects bouncing around the walls of my brain in the past couple of years. It's unfolding nicely, and I'm very passionate about it. Fears that held me back include "I don't have the proper equipment" or "How would I get in touch with everyone who knew my dad?" or "I'm not familiar enough with video editing..." and so on and so forth. Guess what! I bought some equipment...not the best, but it does the trick. I'll get in touch with who I can get in touch with and that's that. I don't need to know EVERYTHING about video editing to start video editing. If I'm passionate enough, I'll learn. My point is, I'll never DO anything if I'm constantly fretting about the end result.

Creating and producing my own podcast is another idea that keeps running wildly through my thoughts. I'm obsessed with podcasts. It's funny, because prior to a year ago I didn't know much about them. I learned about podcasting in my Multi Media Video Journalism class at BYU-Idaho. We were given an assignment to create and produce our own podcast...and I honestly didn't know what I was doing. I created one, and fulfilled the assignment requirements, but I didn't really get it. I decided the theme would be "Making Fun of Singles Wards" or something along those lines. Each episode was 2 minutes, and I made fun of some silly aspect of the singles ward life. After the assignment was over, I stopped the podcast, because I didn't understand the concept.

Now...I understand it! :) I really owe my thanks to Tyler and Sundy Anderson, who turned me onto "This American Life." That show turned me onto a million other shows...and just podcasting in general. Now I'm subscribed to so many, it's hard to keep up with them all. And they're not all as professional as TAL. Some of them are pretty low-key, but the topics are super fun to follow.

Anywho, I'm starting my own. The theme is going to be communication, and I invite you all to subscribe. :) I won't be the only voice you hear. A friend and past BYU-I class-mate is going to co-host it with me--he's getting his Master's in Professional Communication right now; I'll soon be getting my Master's in Journalism (a major branch of communication). We'll focus each episode on an example of a problem caused by miscommunication/lack of communication. We'll pick it apart and show where the communication went wrong...how to fix it, and how to prevent it from happening in the future. Our examples will come from personal life experiences, media, movies, television...whatever. The goal is to make it light-hearted and funny...but also make it helpful. I'm really REALLY excited about this project. I'll announce where you can subscribe when it's all ready to go. :)

So, my friends...life is for the living! I'm done worrying. I'm done daydreaming. I'm just going to do it now. Who cares if I can't/don't/won't make money off of it? Who cares if it's not the best quality? Who cares if I'm not a professional? The Internet is a beautiful thing that allows us to create whatever our heart is passionate about and "publish" those passions without jumping through a million hoops, needing to sign with a label, picked up by a publisher...yada yada yada. I was born to create. So I'm going to do it now. Let's live, everybody!

Oh, and listen to this song. It will inspire you to do it now, too. :)

Latest Obsession

I get obsessed with a new song about every other week. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. For SEVERAL hours at a time.

Getting reaquainted with Dad

I don't know how to explain this, but I feel so good right now. Like, so good.

It's hard to truly convey the feelings I have for my dad. No one can really understand what it's like to grow up not knowing one of your parents, unless you've experienced it. It's a whole different situation than losing a parent as an adult. Of course, I haven't lost a parent as an adult yet (and hopefully no time soon) but I can imagine it now that I'm here. Growing up without my dad...being taught his spirit is still living somewhere right now, but God just needed him more than we did...it's just a unique experience. It goes beyond the death part. I never got to know him. He never got to know me...right here right now, in the flesh anyway.

The movie "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" captures it really well, I think. The kid talks about how he wants to try to save his memories, before they slip away into nothing. And they do. Believe me. Unless you work hard to keep your memories, they will, slowly but surly, fad from you.

It's been close to 19 years since my dad died. When he first died, the memories were obviously fresh. Everything seemed so obvious. Yes, Dad was really sick...he'd been that way for a while (2 years)...it was only natural he died. I didn't cry. I just went on. I know I missed him...I struggled in school...kind of became a loner for a while...but it's just SO DIFFERENT when you're a kid. You haven't even learned how to express yourself yet.

Then each year goes by, without him. One after the other after the other...and I'm experiencing everything without him, knowing his spirit is somewhere out there, doing something. But not with me. And memories start to fade. His voice isn't so easy to remember, his face isn't so easy to remember. I stop dreaming about him. And I'm thrown into a new life with a new family, expected to BLEND...and Dad just drifts away even further.

I've never been too emotional about it all. Never...until the last little while. Lately, I've yearned to know him now. To know what it would have been like to grow up with him in the home. To talk to him, fight with him, laugh with him, joke with him through my teen years...leaving for college, Kayleen's wedding...watching him as a grandpa. I've thought and thought and thought about it. Sometimes I find myself tearing up at work while I think about it.

And so, it came to me, I need to get reacquainted with him now. I need to feel him close to me...truly KNOW he is out there somewhere, but hasn't forgotten me. How can I feel him close? How can I get reacquainted with him? And it came to me. Well, actually, I've been thinking about this idea for a long time...but it finally came to me full force. I've decided to create a huge video montage. This montage will include pictures, video recordings of him, audio recordings of him, letters from him (read by someone else) and recordings of people's memories of him. It's going to be AMAZING. HUGE and AMAZING.

I've been working on it all week. It's a Personal Progress project, if you will...except, I'm no longer in Young Women. :) And just in the last week, I've felt closer to my dad than I have in a LONG time.

This is going to be such an amazing experience. I'm excited for the end result, but I'm more excited about the process. The feelings I've had so far have been truly amazing.

Good things are happening inside me. Good things for sure.