Happy Christmas

It's Christmas. I'm happy. Family time. Beautiful musical hour of church, focused on my Savior. Hours of smiling at my niece and watching her big dimples appear as she smiles back at me.

I apologize to any of you who read my previous post. I took it down, because today is a happy day. A day I need to recognize the sweet gifts I have because of the Savior. A day to forgive, love, and be happy.

Merry Christmas.

It's time for another post

It's the Christmas season, and I feel the need to write.

My new favorite Christmas candy is this:
Deliciousness. I was first introduced to it by my step-sister, Penny. She bought some at Costco...or Winco (one of those "co" stores) and brought it to the big family Thanksgiving reunion. It was divine.

Then, my cousin-in-law, Tyler, or...let's just say cousin...brought some HOMEMADE peppermint bark over to our house about a week ago for dessert after Sunday dinner. EVEN BETTER than the "co" store's kind. Of course. Homemade is always better. And luckily, Tyler told me it was super easy to make. And it was! So I made some yesterday. One layer of melted dark (or milk) chocolate melted in a pan. Sprinkle crushed up candy canes. Let harden. Then melted white chocolate on top of that. Sprinkle crushed up candy canes on top. Let harden. Wala! Peppermint bark. Then you get to break it...which is the best part. :) Yummy!

Also this Christmas season, I've started something new.
You would not believe how much this has improved my outlook on life. I know it sounds predictable and cheesy, but it's completely true. Over a week ago my step-dad and I had a conversation about gratitude and the good it does to write things down. I decided to try it. It's been a life-saver. I find myself thinking all day long about what I will write that evening. It helps me look for the good things in my day. It's honestly such a beautiful thing and I plan to do this forever.

I've been thinking about this story.
I feel like it's such a simple, pure Christmas story and is centered on Christ in its entirety. It's a story for the lonely, the broken- or hard-hearted, the overwhelmed...and so on and so forth. It makes me tear up every time I think of its sweet message (or what I get from it, anyway). The message that Christ is there for all, no matter what goes on in our life, no matter if we're surrounded by loved ones or all alone...Christ is with us. We are never alone. He's with us, and we have this beautiful season to focus even harder on that fact.

Another thing that has been happening to me this season...
I've been crying like crazy! Can't seem to turn it off. It mostly comes on when I'm pondering someone else's life...and my heart yearns to comfort them. Or, I don't exactly know what the tears represent.... I guess just the strong desire I have for them to feel comforted by the Savior. Here's an example. A friend of mine, Heidi, whom I grew up with, died in a car accident while I was serving my mission. She was adopted by Pam, a single woman who never married. Pam happened to be my dad's high school teacher once upon a time (long before adopting Heidi). But anyway, Pam is single, raising her only grandchild, the son of her late daughter. The same year she lost her daughter, Pam's sister died from cancer. I sometimes run into her on the streets while walking, and she's told me how lonely life can get at times. I decided to get her "The Forgotten Carols" on DVD and give it to her with some homemade chocolates for Christmas. I tried to drop it by this evening, but she wasn't home. When I was explaining to my mom why I wanted to give her this gift, I couldn't even get the words out. Tears were the only thing that would come.

I'll see a homeless man holding a sign...tears. I think of couples who want to be parents. Tears. Parents with sick children...tears. Someone spending his/her first Christmas without a constant in his/her life, whether it be a spouse, a parent...a grandparent. Tears. Single adults who want an eternal companion or a direction and purpose. Tears. I don't know what it is lately...but it's like I'm feeling this strong desire to run around and hug everyone and say, "I don't know what you're going through, but the Savior does. I love you. So does he." All I do know is, the tears need to stop, because I'm sick of trying to hide my wet eyes from my co-workers. :)

I love Christmas. I love my family. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that Christ truly did come to this earth. That He was and is the truth, the light, the reason to hope, to believe, to have faith, to keep going. He cares about, loves, and knows each one of us individually. I know this. Merry Christmas everyone!

Some good things

Here are some good things that have been happening.

*I was accepted to Journalism Grad program at Georgetown University School of Continuing Studies. I was supposed to start in January, but I deferred to May.

*Two weeks ago I was at my lowest weight since I started my weight-loss journey, with a total of 21 lbs down, but I unfortunately gained 4 lbs over the grad school celebration and Thanksgiving festivities. BUT, I went jean shopping yesterday and I'm nearly down 2 pant sizes. "Nearly" means that one size down is too loose, but two sizes down is a bit snug. :) I think the snugness will go away soon though. I'm pleased with my progress. :)

*I'm following through with my plan to throw a "feed the homeless" birthday party. It's going to be great. I haven't been this excited for my birthday in YEARS.

*A friend of mine won tickets to a private Snow Patrol concert and she invited me to go with. It was super fun. I got to shake the lead singer's hand and sit super close while they were singing. I even won some prizes while I was there. :)

*We got our Christmas tree yesterday. It's a skinny one...and I like it!

*I was able to spend 4 days in the snow with my entire family. It gave me time to reflect on my life and my gratitude for my family and my past experiences. I love all of the people God has allowed me to get to know over the years.

*I love Christmas...and it's Christmas time. :)

So, while life is hard...there are plenty of little good things happening in my life every day.

Sometimes there are just no words

I was given permission by Sundy to write my own thoughts about the following. But some things are too sacred. Some are too heart-breaking. Some are too hard. Some are just too overwhelming. Some things in this life just can't be summed up in words...answered in words...consoled with words...or understood through words. This is especially hard for me...someone who has centered her life on words.

So, I've been sitting on this blog post for a while. I've wanted to write it to express my sadness. To contribute my own heart-ache to the much bigger heart-ache felt by the two people with me in this picture. But again, I'm very limited in my words.

Sundy and Tyler...honestly two of my favorite people. Sundy is my cousin...much more like a sister. We've been through the roughest of the rough together...and had some of the happiest of times together. No matter what we go through, we've remained close friends, and I love her for it. For her caring heart, her guidance, her patience and her love. Tyler is Sundy's husband. He's sincere, honest, kind-hearted and has accepted me into his life whole-heartedly. I consider him a very close friend.

They have been married since the summer I got home from my mission...I believe June 2008, and they've wanted children from the very beginning.

Their first baby's life ended at 14 weeks. I won't go into details, but I will just say it was a pretty traumatic miscarriage. I lived close to them when it happened, and I remember the deep sadness I felt and the helplessness I felt due to my lack of understanding.

They tried for a long while for a second baby. They finally got it. This time around fear was running deep. But, the 14 week mark passed. And the 15th. And the 16th. And the 17th. And they were safe. Tyler was finally accepted to med school (it's about time...he's a flippin' genius...and I'm seriously NOT exaggerating) and they were pregnant. They could breath. They'd find out the sex of their second child at 18 weeks. Things were good...great. Clouds were clearing and the sun was shining.

Three days before they were to find out their baby's sex, Sundy's water broke. At 18 weeks. They lost their baby. Their perfectly formed baby boy. They named him Truman.

I know a woman who gave birth to triplets at 21 weeks, and they survived. Truman was close...so close. But God has other plans, I suppose.

To say I'm upset is an understatement. Again, while I have used many words to explain what happened, I really have no words to express my feelings about it. It's heart-breaking. Emotional. Sad. Unfair. Confusing. I've decided these feelings are fair. We don't always need to immediately jump to the "It's okay...the Atonement is real" thoughts. Because even though I know the Atonement is real and can heal, it hurts. It hurts and it's hard and it sucks and it's painful. So right now...those are my words. Emotional. Sad. Unfair. Confusing. Sucky. Hard. Heart-breaking.

I love Sundy and Tyler. Lots and lots.

I downloaded Daughtry's latest album this morning, and while at work I listened to this song for the first time. I strained every muscle in my body to keep myself from bawling, thinking about Sundy and Tyler's two silently born children, Sterling and Truman. This is my contribution to the grieving.

What I want to be when I grow up...

Ira Glass.

This man is brilliant. Look him up. Aside from him being a man, I want to be him...or just like him. :)

Here's a thought

When I was a child, I always felt like an adult.

Now that I'm an adult, I always feel like a child.

I've got it all backwards. Do you feel like an adult? What's the secret? Marriage, kids, success? All three of those are out for me right now...what else ya got?

Thoughts

*I'm only down 1 1/2 lbs from 4 weeks ago. Booo

*I should have been keeping track of my measurements this whole time, because I know I've lost inches.

*Does the fact that my dad died from a brain tumor, but I've never been inclined to get heavily involved in "Cure for Cancer" type things trouble anyone? It troubles me sometimes. You see so many people who have lost loved ones to diseases, and they immediately jump on the awareness and find-a-cure bandwagon. I guess I feel like sometimes things are just supposed to happen, and it was my dad's time. I'm not mad at God, and I'm not mad at cancer. Maybe it's my knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. Who knows. But I do think awareness and cures are good.

*Social Work, journalism, social work, journalism. I'm going forward with the journalism school, but looking at my options in social work. Who knows...

*My niece, Perry, is adorable.

*I want to have a big get-together for my birthday this year...ON my actual birthday (Dec. 26th). But instead of a party and gifts, I want everyone to bring sack-lunch fixings, and then we'll all make lunches and give them to homeless people in downtown Portland. I REALLY want to do this. I think it would be soooooo much fun. So much. So so much. Then we can come back and have cake and ice cream. Except I don't really like cake. So, I'll think of something. I hope people will want to come to that. I'm doing it.

*Homeless stats: Families make up over 50% of the homeless population.13 % of those leave their homes because of violence or abuse. It's estimated that between 23% and 40% of homeless single adults are veterans. Within 2 to 4 years of exiting the foster care system, 25% of those foster care youth experience homelessness. About 20% to 25% of homeless single adults have a chronic mental illness.

*Homeless people have been on my mind A LOT lately. I feel for them.