Blogging instead of homeworking...

Last night, I made a specific decision to turn down a potentially great opportunity...for my sanity. From the outside perspective, it probably looks like a stupid decision. Kind of like how my decision to quit my journalism master's program at Georgetown probably looked to outsiders five years ago. Kind of like my decision to take a break from my undergraduate coursework for a few semesters...to work at Subway and live with my cousins...probably looked to outsiders. Kind of like quitting a job that drove me absolutely insane...when I didn't have any new jobs lined up...looked to outsiders (wait, I've done that twice). And sometimes, it's not just outsiders...or about outsiders at all. There's a really mean part of my subconscious, that is sometimes louder than other times, screaming, "YOU'RE SO WEAK. YOU CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING. YOU'RE A LOSER." But I know in my heart of hearts that all these decisions were the right decisions for me. In hindsight, the past decisions I mentioned above, took me to where I needed to be...they were right for me. If I just stop and listen intently, I can hear the true me, the me that's in tune with God, the universe, and my own heart, and it drowns out the meanie in my mind that tells me I'm a loser.

I think so often, in regards to mental health, we feel "less-than"...as though it's not a worthy cause or an appropriate motive to make decisions. We call it "weakness" instead of calling it what it is, "mental-health maintenance." I've dealt with mental-health issues my whole life. I saw a school psychologists while my dad was dying. Post-death, I participated in school group counseling and a nonprofit child grief counseling center called The Dougy Center. In my pre-teen years I saw a counselor...and in my college years I saw a counselor. I've experimented with different anti-depressant medication...I've dealt with diagnosed forms of OCD/depression/anxiety for much of my life. And while I've currently got a decent grasp on my mental health with the appropriate amount of sleep, healthy eating, exercise, adult coloring, meditation, long walks, podcast listening, candle burning (and anything else that brings me happiness), it doesn't mean I don't still deal with it, and have to acknowledge it as a very real thing in my life. But the truth of the matter is, we ALL should be doing things that help us achieve pique mental health. And we shouldn't brush it under the rug as weakness. If someone is fit and physically healthy, does it make him/her need physical health maintenance any less than someone who might not be physically fit and/or healthy? No. Obviously, s/he is doing the maintenance that is required...which is why s/he's physically fit and healthy. We all need physical health and maintenance. For some of us, it might be a bit harder to maintain than others, for a variety of reasons. But we ALL need it. It's the same with mental health.

So... here's my plea, to you and to me, to be happy and content with who we are...and replace the notion of "weakness" with "mental-health maintenance." Y'all are worth it. Give yourself a break and tell the meanie you (and all of us have) in your head to back the hell off.

It's been over a year since I posted in here.

I don't have time to be writing this post. Grad school is kicking my butt.

I'm really into melancholy music.

https://youtu.be/l0XRlNZbQFE

That's all for now.

Sad post

My song-writing button in my soul is broken. It doesn't work when I try to turn it on. It's been nearly 5 years since I've written a song. I tried to write one today, and I just started crying. I don't even really know why. It just made me very emotionally upset.

It makes sense... Five years ago was the peak of my depression. The breaking point. I wrote a few songs while in the midst of my ultimate misery, and then didn't pick up the guitar for a long while after. Something is literally broken in me. I'm scared of it. I just can't write songs.

It makes me sad. I miss it.

Two cents

One time, my then 30-year-old friend and her then 28-year-old fiance were told by their stake president that for the last few weeks before their marriage they shouldn't be alone together. She then said, "You know, President, I don't think that council really applies to us. I don't think we'll be following it." And he said, "You know what? You're probably right. That doesn't really apply to you very well."

And here we have an example of an open conversation between common-folk and priesthood authority. Sometimes, respectfully agreeing and sharing one's thoughts is beneficial.

They proceeded to be alone together prior to their marriage...and they were married in the temple without a glitch.

The end.

I can't put into words...

I'm at the beloved Peterson's home. Not 5 minutes after my parents picked me up from the Salt Lake City airport last night, my cousin, Sundy, calls to welcome me to Utah because she couldn't be at the house when I got there, but wanted to make sure I knew how happy she was that I was there. As I stepped into the Peterson's entry-way, the lights were dimmed, candles were lit and the tree was bright. My aunt Nancy had lit the candles just for me, hoping to make it feel warm and Christmassy. My uncle has said, at least 4 or 5 times since I've gotten here, how wonderful it is to have me and my family with them for Christmas. My cousin, Lacey, went on a hunt for a fan and laid it on my bed for my arrival, because she knows I need white noise to sleep. Happiness continually asks, "Where's my Crystal?" always making me feel wanted. Paul gives me warm bear hugs whenever he sees me. This is my second family. I began writing the post below before I arrived... But now I just have to attempt to finish it. I love this family beyond what words can accurately describe, but I'll do my best in a simple blog post.

My dad passed away on the cusp of the holiday season of 1993. The way I often describe the feeling in our home and lives after my dad's death, especially the first year, is...winter. Dark, rainy, long nights, short days, wet, cold...hard. Winter. The feeling in our souls when my dad died was...winter. How would we make it through the dark? The sun felt so far away. Life was like a never-ending winter.

Lucky for us, the Peterson family, my Aunt Nancy (my mom's older sister) and Uncle Bob, invited us to Virginia to spend our first Christmas without my dad with them. They greeted us at the airport, and I'll never forget the smiles on their faces when we arrived. The two oldest cousins, Happy and Sundy, just gushed over us and hugged us, asking how we were and if we were excited for Christmas. The two younger cousins, Lacey and Paul, joyfully accepted us as well...excited for more friends. They brought the sun to our lives, melting the wintery feeling away. With their hugs, their laughter, their joy and excitement to have us there, their music and singing, their love. That Christmas was one that has been chiseled into my heart and memory. Sledding, singing at the DC temple visitor's center, belting Amy Grant lyrics in the car, playing games, touring the White House...it was magical. It brought the much-needed sunlight to our aching hearts.

The Peterson clan has been a source of sunlight for me ever since that time. I've lived with them twice in my life. One specific time, in particular, they were a godsend, and it wasn't a coincidence I was living with them when I did. I deeply struggled to maintain happiness and love for myself during that year, and they showered me with nothing but love and acceptance. They saved me.

I feel so lucky and blessed to spend Christmas with them and my family this year. It always feels like warm summer with the Petersons. Their home is filled with music and singing, Christmas decorations, And the feeling of the Savior's love. And let's not forget...goodies, lots and lots of goodies, many of which are dropped off by the multitude of friends they have acquired throughout  the years of their generosity and outpouring of love to others.

My heart is seriously full this Christmas season. I truly hope I can bring as much joy to people's lives as the Peterson's have brought to mine and my family's. I'm so thankful for the joy of the Savior's birth, and how Heavenly Father puts people in our lives to help us recognize that miraculous joy, even in the darkest of times.

Merry Christmas!!

Selfish Thankfulness

Every week of my existence comes and goes, and every week, sometimes daily, I have this waive of relief wash over me that I am not alone in this spot of life. And then I feel bad and selfish, because I know that nearly every woman my age would prefer to be married with children...so I feel bad being thankful that they're around to keep me company. But what I truly feel thankful for is that God keeps putting people in my life who are walking the same path. So at the end of a hard day, I can go to my roommate's bedroom and say, "I just took half a sleeping pill to knock myself out...but before I hit the hay, can you give me a pep talk about life?" And she totally gets it and gives me exactly the pep talk I need.

I feel like moms get each other. I see it all over facebook. Someone complains about their 3 or 4-year-old throwing a tantrum or being too clingy, and other moms comment and say, "I've been there; you're not alone!" Thing is...there's more of you moms out there than there are of us 30+ single women. I thank God, I literally thank Him, that He keeps putting women in similar phases of life in my own life so I can get some support. You just don't get it if you're not here. I don't get your stuff...you don't get mine. We all need people who understand our stuff. Everyone deserves a little understanding and empathy

I just truly hope I don't wake up at 47 and still find myself in this boat. Because honestly, I'll probably be the only one left...and that is when it will feel incredibly lonely.

Today.... Thank goodness it's over.

I met a gay Mormon

Last night I met a gay Mormon.

This is not hard to do. I bet you have too. I bet you're related to one. Maybe you are one. I know several. I know several extremely well.

But the unique thing about this man I met last night is...he's a convert, of less than a year. So, this Mormon convert...you see, he came out as gay many years ago. He's had a few partners in his day. A Mormon friend of his, knowing he was a gay man with past partners, invited him to church and church activities. Over the course of a couple of years, the man gained a testimony and worked his way to baptism. Now he's working his way to the temple. This is incredible to me on multiple levels.

First of all, one size does not fit all in this scenario. I just have a hard time dealing with the phrase, "If he can do it, anyone can." Look.... To choose to live a life without companionship, love and sex...for the gospel...that's a lot to ask. And let's be clear. This is not the same as living a straight celebrate life. This is not comparable to straight people who just don't have the fortune to get married in this life. These gay Mormon individuals are basically living a life hopeless of love. Sure, there could be that one miraculous person of the opposite gender out there who they may encounter in their life time who gives them the feelings someone of their own gender does. But my goodness, the odds of that are slim. It's like saying, for an extremely straight person, that you'd have to hope for the .0007% chance that you'll find that one person of the same gender who you'll love and be attracted to. Rare, right? Can't even stomach it, right? For a straight individual, hope exists to the very end. That person can continue searching for a mate until the end of time. For a gay individual, who can't stomach the idea of sharing intimacy with someone of the opposite gender...no hope, my friends. Faith in God, but they're living with virtually no hope that they'll have earthly companionship. Take the hope our of my existence...the hope for eternal companionship NOW. Well frick...I'm not sure I want to continue life. I mean, really think about it. Really. Take hope for companionship out of the equation for a single person who WANTS marriage in this life.... That is asking A LOT. This isn't equivalent to asking someone to abstain from alcohol. This isn't the same as asking a straight person to abstain from sex before marriage. This isn't asking for 10% of their income. This is asking for 100% of their heart, their mind, their sex drive indefinitely, asking them to put all eternal and physical feelings of and desire for love, unity and family aside until the unforeseeable future. Do you get that??? DO YOU GET IT? I just don't think people do. If we did, we wouldn't be running around, causally throwing the phrases, "The church isn't saying they're bad for having gay thoughts. Just for living a gay lifestyle." GAY LIFESTYLE??? Do we have straight lifestyles??? Gay people are following the most inner workings of their heart!!! They're not merely living a "lifestyle." It's not like following a diet. It is at the core of who they are. So to choose the gospel, AFTER you've experienced love and companionship, with partners of your own sex....WOW. Just wow.

I had so much respect for this man last night. I started crying when I heard his testimony. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't believe the peace he brought to the room. He said, "Don't get me wrong...being gay and Mormon is not an easy thing. It's incredibly difficult. But I know this is the path to be on to live with God one day." Woooooooowwwwwwwww.

I don't even know how to finish this post or why I'm even writing it, except to say, the courage and faith of some people ASTOUND me. It's incredible. I wish I could be half as faithful as he.

That is all.