12th Man Unite!!!

The latest haps, brought to you from route 77

I never want to take the time to blog when I'm at home. By the time I work my overtime, hit the gym and bus home...all I want to do is cook my dinner, watch some YouTube clips and hit the sack. Or chat with the roommies. Or do some random church activity, which seem to be filling all my evenings lately.

So, I'm blogging on the bus.

We're about a month into the year. I'm making progress on ny desires. I'm not sure I can remember them all off the top of my head. But, I've remained deactivated from Facebook...and oh, how sweet it feels. We're getting closer to NZ. I've tried to call someone I love every week. I was finally called to schedule an interview with Big Brothers Big Sisters...so I'm hoping that works out, which would be a 12-month commitment, not just 4 months like my goal. I'm backup for a Ragnar team if anyone drops out. Switched which half I plan to run, haven't signed up yet though. I finished a biography and am on my second. I've attended the temple this month. Is that 8? I think those are all my desires for 2014, and I'm doing well...one day at a time. :) I guess they're not all my desires...but the majority of the ones I can control. :)

Life has had its ups and downs this month...as always. I've been reminded that no matter how hard I try to make a make-shift family, nothing will be as stable as finding an eternal companion and starting my own. However, I'm still very thankful for all the wonderful people God continually puts in my life.

And...that's it for this morning. From bus route 77 into downtown Seattle, this is Crystal Noel, signing off. :) Happy day, everyone.

No more Facebook...bring on 2014!

Well friends, I took the plunge. I've deactivated my Facebook account, and I'm not sure when I'll be back. Maybe in a couple weeks. Maybe in a month. Maybe in a year. Probably a month.... :)

Something about it was making me tired. It's overwhelming. I'm tired of viewing things everyone wants everyone to see. I'm also tired of the fact that I truly believe it's ruining sincere communication. I feel like people don't call me/answer my calls because they already know what's going on in my life through Facebook.... It's much easier to hide behind a screen and say mean and/or nice things to people. I'm just tired of the half-hearted, passive way of giving people approval or rejection. And...I'm also tired of texting being people's main form of communication. I'm guilty of it. But I'm tired of it.

So, quitting Facebook for a little while leads me into.....

2014 DESIRES

1) To run a half marathon
2) To stay off Facebook for at least a month
3) To call someone I love once a week (and not just the same person every week)
4) To travel outside of the country (not a 'walk across the boarder' type of thing)
5) To attend the temple monthly
6) To ***POSSIBLY*** run Ragnar (something akin to "Hood to Coast" for those of you familiar with that)
7) To read 5 biographies/creative nonfiction books
8) To find a nonprofit at which I can volunteer and stick with it consistently for at least 4 months out of the year

I think all these desires are worthy of becoming reality.

1--I've already got picked out. I haven't signed up yet, because I've been subjecting myself to staying on a very tight budget due to a forthcoming trip I'm taking, but I will sign up in the next month or two.

2--I've started the Facebook one. Maybe I'll knock this one out this first month of the year. :)

3--I'm hoping this one won't be too difficult. I'm also hoping it causes me to call people I miss because I'm not longer on facebook. I want to rekindle real connections with some of the people of my past.

4--This one is booked. New Zealand in March. I originally made this a "before I turn 30" goal, which coincidentally fits right along with my 2014 desires...since I turn 30 at the end of 2014.

5--Attending the temple monthly has been a desire/goal of mine for so long now, but I'm starting to really give it the effort it's deserved from me since being endowed. I haven't missed a month for the past few months, and I think I can keep it up. If I do miss a month or two in 2014, I know I'll at least improve vastly from my past track record. And that is thanks to the angels God is surrounding me with right now.

6--This one...I'm not making any promises to myself about. I JUST started thinking about this...as in, TODAY was the first day I even allowed my brain to entertain the idea. So, if anything, 2014 will at least be the year I start to mentally prepare to be a part of this type of race. BUT, who says it can't be the year I actually participate? We'll see. Ragnar is just a month after the half marathon I'll be running...so, I'm not sure how hard I want to push my body in that type of way. While I love running, I don't necessarily believe it's the best source of constant exercise. It's like having a giant lift me up and continually slam me to the ground over and over and over again. BUT, I enjoy it and there are benefits. And I feel extremely accomplished when I'm finished with a race.

7--I'm just really into learning about real things and real people's life experiences. This should be a simple one to achieve.

8--I've dabbled in nonprofits in the past. I'm on the waiting list for a program right now. But, I really want to get my hands dirty and lose my heart and soul in a good cause. This may be one of the hardest ones to turn into reality, but if I'm serious about returning to school in a specific field (that I'll talk about at a later time), I really need to start consistently volunteering.

So, there you have it. Bring on 2014! Bring on the last year in my 20s! Bring on life!

Creating A Family

Hi friends.

It's really hard for me to put into words the hardship of this stage in my life. It seems that, whenever I try to explain it to people, I only get confused looks and "yeah...buts." (Although, there are a few out there, while not in my position, have very graciously taken the time to put themselves in my shoes and have shown sincere empathy.) I can only assume that most people who look at my life view it as perfect, easy breezy, fun, adventure-filled, care-free...so on and so forth. And, admittedly, it is some of those things some of the time. Possibly all of those things some of the time...well, all but perfect. I thoroughly enjoy my life 85% of the time. I really do. But, enjoying my life does not come easy...although it may look easy. Just ask the many MANY bitter, hard-hearted, young-to-mid-single LDS adults out there. If you don't know many LDS mid-singles...I do. And let me tell you, it takes WORK. Major WORK to remain focused, happy, progressing and satisfied with life. A big chunk of them leave the church during this time...due to frustration, impatience, fears, loneliness, insecurities...that all seem to be magnified while you're waiting around to be chosen by an eternal companion...to start the life you've been taught your whole life you should be living. In fact, I know a good handful who have left the church just in the last year since moving to Seattle.

There are consistent fears hovering over me 24/7...fears that I know other singles feel, and fears I continue to put major effort into pushing out of my mind and heart. These fears include "I'm not, and never will, fulfill my divine potential." "How do I keep from becoming consumed with pride and selfishness without being a mother...a sacred role that forces selflessness?" "If I were to die, no one would miss me after two weeks. I'm nobody's constant somebody' like wives and mothers are." "Am I changing anyone's life for the better?" "I'm not worthy of motherhood." "I don't belong anywhere...I'm a misfit that the church...my family...EVERYONE doesn't know what to do with." My step-sister, Jonna, who didn't get married until she was 36 says it best with this line, "My constant prayer to God while I was single and alone was this: 'Please...just don't forget about me. Please God...don't forget I'm here."

Believe me, I am very aware that women out there who are wives and mothers have a few of these same fears...plus different fears...and I'm also very aware that it takes major WORK for EVERYONE, no matter the stage of life, to enjoy life. Some times are easier than others for everyone. 

All I'm saying is...well. I don't know. I guess I'm saying that it's hard for my "kind" too, and it's nice when people acknowledge that. But, I guess the most important thing to remember is that God acknowledges it...He knows all of our hardships and struggles, no matter what stage of life we're in.

The past 6 months have brought me a lot of joy. Mostly because of the effort I've put into remaining happy, coupled with the Lord's help. I remember last year around this time, pleading with God that He'd help me have the desire to get close to people. That He'd bless me with the desire to participate in activities, make friends and feel a sense of 'belonging.' I kept it on the DL, but my experience in my first house in Seattle was less than pleasant. It wasn't necessarily one person's fault, but there were very different priorities and ideas of what "the pursuit of happiness" means...and while there was a lot of love in my heart for the home and the people in the home, my soul went through constant turmoil and struggle. Due to my inner-turmoil, it was hard for me to reach out to anyone. As I touched on in my last post, I really did have a chip on my shoulder. But, I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed some more.

Here's what happened. After constant prayer (both verbally, and the desires of my heart) and consistent effort, God blessed me with a "family." A family of singles who truly understand me and my struggles, need me, appreciate me, and care about me. He guided me to a new home...with one old and a couple new roommates. He gave me a calling that would stretch me and make me social. He put people in my path. He tugged at other people's hearts to help them make an effort with me. He gave me a "family."

I would sit here and write about each person who's touched my life here in Seattle...each person who's become a part of my "family," but I'm realizing it will take too much time. I've made bonds in the past several months that I know will never be broken. God has led me directly into these individuals' lives...and them into mine. We all feel it. It's not a coincidence that we're here, helping each other progress and be better. I've attended the temple more in the past few months than I have in years previous. Why? Because of the righteous influence of the people around me. I'm a better visiting teacher. I'm putting more effort into my calling because of the influence of others. We're all trying. And we'll be darned if we let each other fall through the cracks.

God won't let us fall through the cracks. It does take effort from us. It really does. But He loves us, and He won't forget about us. He doesn't want to lose us.

Here's a few pictures documenting experiences with my "family." :)

Katie and I at the Seahawks game.

Katie and I hiking...in humid weather...as you can tell by my hair. ;)

Callie always goes ALL OUT for Halloween. I don't have enough pics with her, but we're good buds. :)

Sheri and I touching a jellyfish. We're going to New Zealand together!

Friendsgiving!

More Friendsgiving. :)

Katie and Marybeth are some of the greatest roommates.

Left to right: Heather, Marybeth, Andrea at Snoqualmie Falls.

Christmas roommate bonding with Marybeth, Jackie and Katie.

Camping with (left to right) Kaili, Sheri, Marybeth and Bonnie (who's hiding).

Visiting the Ballard Locks with (left to right) Marybeth, Sheri and Katie.

The truth is...

Just because I post on Facebook frequently does not mean you *speaking in general terms* know me.

Just because I post pictures of New York does not mean my life is amazingly exciting.

Just because I'm always positive on Facebook does not mean I'm never negative.

Just because I talk about Paleo on Facebook does not mean I don't eat treats on a regular occurrence.

Just because my life doesn't have your problems does not mean it does not have problems.


Let me tell you who does know me.

The people who choose to talk to me outside of Facebook land. I have one friend here in Seattle, who completely left Facebook for several months. She came back for a week and then just realized it wasn't for her and left again. Do you know who I turned to yesterday when I basically had a panic attack about my life...its lack of direction and (what I was feeling at the time) lack of meaningful relationships? S, my non-Facebook friend.

S immediately befriended me when I moved to Seattle. Immediately. She was not in the Relief Society presidency. She was not in any sort of leadership calling. She was not my visiting teacher. And she was not a non-popular girl (yes, I'm speaking in high school terms, because...let's be honest, remaining single in the LDS scene reverts you back to high school.) S is known by all. She's funny, liked, knows everybody and everybody knows her. So, I wasn't her desperate attempt at making an only friend. She already had friends. She didn't need me.

I had a wall up when I moved to Seattle. I'd go to church with a bit of a chip on my shoulder. "I'm tired of having to make friends. It's exhausting, you have to make small-talk, you have to beat around the bush several times before you can start talking about real stuff...then you do talk about real stuff and they get married and you have to start all over again." That's what I told myself. And because of that, I had a bit of a "I DON'T CARE" sign on my forehead. Actually, not a bit of one...a big one. For that reason AND because I had heard about something called "The Seattle Freeze," where it's known that the long-time Seattle people freeze out the new-timers...never inviting them to anything and making them feel left out and loser-ish...I put the "I DON'T CARE" sign up frequently...to protect myself, of course. *Don't you wish you were single again? I'm sure you're just thinking "MAN that sounds so fun and mature!" This type of thing occurs everywhere. Utah. Idaho. Washington D.C. Seattle.*

Over the past year, S somehow managed to remove that sign from my forehead. She'd randomly drop by the house where I lived, chatting with me and my roommates. Asking us to accompany her to get some hot chocolate or go camping or whatever. She'd throw little parties and always include me....WHEN SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ME. Seriously, the first month I was in Seattle, she threw a little get-together and invited me to it...sending me a private message (back when she was on Facebook) telling me how much she'd love for me to come. I didn't go, because I still had the sign up. But that didn't stop her from trying.

Then one day we figured out we rode the same bus into downtown in the mornings. I would always listen to my music on the bus...and never wanted her to think I actually cared if she sat by me, so the first few weeks, I'd always let her come to me...just to make sure she actually did want to talk in the mornings. (I have insecurities that I usually don't make apparent.) And, she always did. She'd see me, move toward the back of the bus where I was, sit down and start talking. And it was then...those mornings on the bus, that I finally...FINALLY removed the "I DON'T CARE" sign from my forehead.

We no longer ride the same bus, because I moved...but we've kept our friendship strong.

S saved me from myself...from my insecurities, my frustrations, my pessimism...that were all keeping me from making friends.

So, yesterday, when I had a melt down...who did I turn to? Roommates were gone, I was bawling. I texted S and headed to her house. She had no idea it would be a melt-down session, so when I asked if I could come over she was like, "Absolutely!" I go inside her house and immediately start to cry and she says something like, "Oh...okay. It's one of those days. Have a seat. Put up your feet. I'll go get my really soft tissues." And for the next hour and a half, we cried together.

I love S. She's an angel. She's had bad days too, of course. It's not all one-sided. I've listened to her in times of distress. But the point is, she and I would not be friends if it had been left up to me. I'm ashamed to say it, but seriously...we would not have been friends. She magically broke down my wall, and I took down the sign.

I am so thankful for people who listen to the promptings of the Spirit. I'm thankful for small miracles. For unseen angels. For the team that surrounds us, even when we don't know they're there. They are there. God knows us. He doesn't just see what we put on Facebook for people to see...He sees everything. And I'm thankful for that.

Dear Dad... A letter of reflection

Dear Dad,

It’s been a long time. Twenty years is a really long time. When someone turns 20 years old, people tell them that they’re still young. That they’ve got plenty of living to do. But when a person you love has been missing from your life’s story for 20 years…that’s a LONG time. Years of change, growth, mistakes, pain, triumphs, joys, laughter, tears, knowledge gained and so much more…all passed without you here. Twenty. You've been gone twenty years.

These past couple of days, as we’ve been approaching the 20-year mark of you being gone, I've had memories wash over me…coming and going in waves. Feelings. My heart keeps going back in time, to the end of your life. That time was a bit rough. My brain and heart were going through a lot of turmoil, because I was ready for you to die. I was only 8, you know. I’ve had to remind myself of that multiple times these past 20 years. Only 8…close to 9. I look at 8-year-olds now and think, “Wow. Really? That’s how old I was when Dad died? Really? They’re just babies.” But I felt so old. Those last two years of your life, and especially the last few weeks of your life, you weren’t the dad I knew. You were really the only dad Kayleen knew, but I remembered a lot better from before. And you had changed…and you were rapidly changing toward the end. I don’t clearly remember saying goodbye to you. I remember being a little nervous…the last time I saw you. You couldn’t speak. And Grandma kept coaxing me to say things. It’s vague. Fuzzy. What I really remember is the feeling. The feeling of knowing you were going to die. That soon, the hype would end, that people would be sad, and we’d be left to face the future without you.

Feelings. So many emotions for such a young kid. I don’t really know when or how it happened, but I became Mom’s help-mate. She treated me like her equal. She’d talk to me about her worries and ask my advice on things. Sure, I was still a kid, but it was Mom and the kids. We were a team. She did a really great job as a single parent. Better than could be expected. We were all tired…and emotional. Lots of fast-food eating. Lots of daycare time. But Mom always knew what was important. We’d all crawl in your big water bed at night and she’d read to us. She’d wake us up in the morning with a kiss on the cheek. And before school, we’d learn the Articles of Faith by standing around the piano and singing them while we waited for the bus.

There was a time after you died that I was angry. I was a pretty angry kid for a while. They say, statistically speaking, that kids who lose a parent have a hard time adjusting in the world. Many kids have long-lasting effects and challenges from losing a parent. Apparently, the younger your age when losing a loved one, the more impact that loss causes you in certain pivotal moments of your life. There are life-altering moments along the way to adult-hood, and even when adult-hood hits. And every time one of those moments occurs and you’re not there, the wave and emotion of loss hits 10-fold all over again. Like, for instance, your first church or school dance. Your first day of high school. Learning to drive a car. Going on your first date. Making a touch-down or a home-run hit in a big game. Winning a State competition. Graduating from high school. Baring your testimony in church for the first time. Passing the sacrament in church for the first time. Winning first prize for baked cookies at the County Fair. Getting your Eagle Scout. Starting your first day of college. Coming home for the first holiday after starting college. Leaving to serve a mission. Bringing home the person you want to marry. Announcing your engagement. Having your first child. And so on and so forth. The pain isn’t any less the older you are when losing a parent. And you have more time to gain a relationship with that parent when they pass at an older age. But the freshness of the loss reoccurs over and over and over….more times the younger you are when you lose that parent. And for me, Dad…I’ve had 20 years of pivotal moments without you. Moments where the loss has washed over me, drowning me in longing and desire.

But, let’s not get dramatic. By the way Dad, in case you didn’t know…I am a dramatic person. I used to hate that about myself. I’ve come to embrace it. Dramatic people don’t necessarily like, attract or want to attract drama. They just feel and express things very intensely. That’s a common misconception (in my opinion) about dramatic people. And that’s me. I don’t express or feel things half way. It’s pretty much all or nothing for me. And I’ve figured out…or, I’m still figuring out how to handle it. I think I kind of became this way when you left. I mean, I’m sure I had bits of my personality prior to you leaving. But I think the fact that you were taken from me without my choice…no control…made me need all or nothing commitments. No half-hearted attempts. No wishy-washy friendships. No maybes. I need commitment.  

Losing you has made me want to give a lot in my life. There are a lot of people aching…so many people with breaking hearts. I think I’ve figured out how to use my heart-break to fuel my love for and desire to give to the people around me. I’m still selfish at times. Pride creeps in a lot. I get angry and lash out on occasion. But I try…try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know what they experienced as a kid. I don’t know who left them along the way. I don’t know what they’re experiencing right now. So, I try… I try to see the commonalities between me and them. And I try to give. And I feel like I wouldn’t be this way if you hadn’t left. Your death has brought out some of the worst, but some of the best qualities in me. I have a particular soft spot for homeless people. I seriously cry whenever I see homeless people. I try to talk to them and find out a little bit about them.  And…kids. For a while I was volunteering at a place called The Healing Center. It was a center for grieving families, children, teens and young adults who had lost loved ones. When you died, I went to a place called The Dougy Center, which helps grieving children. If it hadn’t been for The Dougy Center, and church…I don’t think I would have dealt with your death in a healthy manner. So, I tried to give back in a similar environment…The Healing Center. I worked with them for a little while, helping at events and such, but it was honestly hard for me. Being surrounded by so many people with such raw heart-ache, but not being able to interact with them on a personal level…it kind of got to me. So, lately, I’ve been putting energy into applying to the Big Brother Big Sister nonprofit program. It’s a long application process, and I really hope I get accepted. I want to be a consistent “somebody” in a kid’s life.

When you left, Heavenly Father blessed me with consistent “somebodies.”  And He’s blessed me with them year after year. Many of my consistent “somebodies”…in fact, the majority of them in my childhood, came in the church environment. Teachers and leaders who saw me, saw that I needed a consistent somebody, and chose to make me a priority in their life. 

I thank God all the time that you and mom met, and raised us in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I’m so thankful you found your way back to the Gospel after a time of darkness, and that you decided to change your life’s direction and accept the Lord’s help and Atonement. I’m so so proud of you for working hard to be worthy to serve a mission. I LOVE that you chose to marry Mom. I LOVE that you two chose to love each other…put imperfections aside, and chose to love each other. I LOVE that you chose to love God.

Dad, I’m not perfect. I used to care a lot about perfection. So much so, that I drove myself into a deep depression over it. As a kid, I was terrified my imperfections would keep me from seeing you again. It kind of caused an obsessive compulsive behavior of consistently agonizing over my weaknesses and imperfections, and needing to confess all my faults to the world. At age NINE. And TEN. And ELEVEN. I would agonize…torture myself of misdeeds I had done, things that might keep me out of Heaven with you. One time, at age 9, I had convinced myself that I could have murdered someone in my sleep and suppressed the memory…put it deep in my subconscious. And I would never see you again because I had done something so unforgiveable, and would never be able to make up for it. I would spend my nights panicking and crying and confessing every possible sin I could have ever committed and would ever commit in the future to Mom. Poor woman. She had a lunatic child. BUT, the point is…this obsessive compulsiveness progressed throughout my life, manifested itself in depression sometimes…and all came to a really ugly head a couple years ago, when I was able to finally…FINALLY let go of the idea of perfection. That statement confuses some people. And I’m still exploring what that means for me. It doesn’t mean that I’m not trying to better myself. I’m always trying to better myself. It doesn’t mean that I’m not trying to be like the Savior. I am trying to be like the Savior. But what it does mean is I’ve finally realized that I cannot control my imperfections. Not alone. And if I ignore them…try to pretend they’re not there…or hate myself for having them and waste my time wishing them away…that does me NO good. It makes it so that I rely on myself too much. It makes it so I hate myself if any imperfection creeps out of the box under my bed in which I’ve tried to stuff it. If I embrace my imperfections…recognize I have them, maybe even announce some of them, I’m then able to acknowledge I have them with the Savior, and work with Him to overcome them. So, I’m not perfect. And sometimes, throughout my life, I’ve worried that if you were here, and knew of some of the things I’ve felt, thought or done in my life, that you would be disappointed in me…maybe wouldn’t like me. But I’m letting go of those feelings. And it feels SO. GOOD. With the Savior’s help, it’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.

Dad, the reality is, I miss you. I do. I long for you at times. There’s a spot in my heart that is empty…and is only temporarily tied over with the knowledge that I’ll one day see you again. I KNOW…I KNOW I will see you again. I will. You’re not gone. You’re still here. This isn’t just a coping mechanism. This isn’t just something I believe because it’s the only way I’ll survive. It’s something I know in my bones, in my flesh, in my spirit, in my mind, in my heart. Every single inch of me knows I will see you again. You are not gone. You are always here. And while I’ve had to live without your laugh, your smile, your touch, your voice…I haven’t had to live without you, because you…the real YOU is still alive. I don’t care what anybody tells me. YOU are still living. And I WILL see you again. I know it. I absolutely know it. I know I’ll be able to rekindle and build the relationship I started with you in the first nearly-nine years of my life. We will get this time back. We will have our chance to get to know each other. To make memories. To love each other. To bond. I know it.

Thank you for being the dad you were. Thank you for loving us. For spending so much quality time with us that we remember details about you that most kids wouldn’t remember from such a young age. Thank you for taking time to be with us. Thank you for taking me to work with you. Thank you for not coming home from work and watching T.V., but instead…chasing us around the house as the Tickle Monster, telling us stories in a dark room with a flashlight, for reading to us, for lifting us up on your feet to make us fly, and talking and listening to us like our thoughts were pieces of gold you treasured and couldn’t let go unheard. Thank you, Dad. Thank you for loving me…and leaving me with the best memories, the best faith, the best Mom and the best brother and sister I could ever ask for. Thank you for your life. I will see you again.

Love,

Crys

P.S. In the letter you wrote to me before you died, you said, “Dear Crys, (I hope you don’t mind me calling you Crys).”  No Dad, I still don’t mind you calling me Crys. I LOVE it. It's endearing, and as I always say...tender. And thanks for that letter, by the way. It’s gotten me through some dang rough patches. LOVE you!

A title is too much pressure

I'm feeling the need to make a difference. Do something big. Make the world a better place.

I want to better my community. Or help a homeless young adult. Or be a support to someone who's fighting the battle of obesity.

I have a good job. I'm living the life of a single woman in a big city. I have friends, I have roommates, I have coworkers, I have insurance. I have a decent beginner's salary. But, right now, I feel like I don't have a lot of purpose.

I've made peace with the idea of being single for the remainder of this life. I know it's still very early to know for sure. But I think it's healthy to make peace with all possible situations. To be honest, if the possibility of marriage were to come along, I think I'd be very nervous...very apprehensive...very cautious. I've just been living with myself for so long (close to 29 years), and I feel like I still have so much to improve and learn about myself.

Anyway. I love Seattle. I really do. I love that I work in the city, in a tall beautiful building. I love that I commute into the city on the bus every day. I love that the city is surrounded by water. I love that I can smell the water as I walk through the city. I love people-watching. The other day, I watched as a man chased another man down to return the cell phone that had fallen out of the man's pocket. I love the good I see.

I don't love homelessness. I see it in its rawest form on a daily basis. People sleeping on streets in the morning. People with mental illness walking around...aimlessly, talking to themselves in clothes that wreak of day's worth of sweat and body odor. I hate it. I absolutely HATE it. I think what I hate the most is I can't do a DANG THING for them. I can give them money. I can talk to them...treat them like real people, because, after all...they are real people. They have parents, they once had a home...they have a story. But really, I can't do anything for them. And it seriously maddens me. I'm frustrated just thinking about it. How do I change it? I can't. I don't know how.

The thing is, friends...I need purpose in my life. I need to join a cause. Or...change a life. Or...I don't know, do something that can, in some very SMALL way, make up for the loss of motherhood. I realize I still have time to experience motherhood. But guys, if I don't get to experience it, I really need something to keep me selfless. And honestly, the job I'm in right now...working in HR...Compensation for a bank, well, it's not filling that need.

So, I need to do something. And I need to do it quick. I want to keep growing, progressing, loving, learning and improving. I don't want to get stuck. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to glide. I want to climb. I want to fly. And I want to use this life to help others climb and fly.