Hi guys

Not much to write about lately.

I've actually nearly forgotten about the land of blogging. Which kind of makes me sad. But happy at the same time, because when I do remember, several blogs have finally been updated since the last time I checked. When I check frequently, it seems like no one is ever posting.

My soul is feeling a little weary right now. Life is making me tired. And I was recently, powerfully reminded of one of my biggest weaknesses...which is very humbling...and a bit draining.

I went from working in a job where people absolutely LOVED me to a job where people act like I don't exist. That's been rough. I've been there for a month...it's getting a little better though.

I go back and forth between enjoying being free and single to longing for companionship. My life is a roller coaster of emotions...but isn't every life a roller coaster? I'm nothing special there.

Things that make me happy...and things I'm thankful for lately include but are not limited to:

1) The steep hill I walk every day
2) Spring is here
3) I live in a cute house
4) I've kept my room clean for a week and a half...like legitimately clean. That's unheard of for me.
5) Free bus pass
6) Good roommates
7) SUPER yummy paleo recipes... I mean, seriously. I eat GOOD food.
8) Cooking
9) My niece, Perry
10) The big body of water I cross every day on my way to work
11) Dancing With The Stars
12) A ward where I consistently feel spiritually fed and uplifted
13) Prayer
14) A sister who takes me to Costco
15) This burger place Kayleen and I found called "A Burger Place"...haha. There's a checklist, and you mark everything you want on your burger. And you can get them lettuce wrapped. Kayleen and I get bacon, egg, avocado and every freaking veggie under the sun on ours. YUM.

Hope you all are happy and healthy.

Fat vs. Skinny

Watch this.


Now read the article that goes along with it: http://thinkprogress.org/media/2013/02/11/1573871/adele-kelly-clarkson-fox-weight/

I'm going to go on a rant here...please forgive me.

I find this article ridiculous. Partially because you can slap a suit and tie on a fat man, and hardly anyone says a thing about his weight.

The other thing that bugs me is, our fixation on the health of "fat" people. It drives me NUTS. The assumption that because a person is skinny, he/she is healthier than someone who is fatter...give me a freakin' break. I'm not just saying all this because I am a fat person. I've lost nearly 50 pounds and I'm still going. I understand the importance of being healthy and doing all I can to live a good, long, healthy life. And I'm not saying that people should just stay overweight, especially when it's affecting their ability to function, stay alive, do the things they need to do...so on and so forth. But I get so sick, SO freaking SICK of "overweight" women being the target of criticism.

The only way you can judge if someone's healthy is...oh wait, there really isn't a way. Not unless you have tons of equipment and can know a person's history and crunch all the numbers. Who gave you the right to look at someone, merely LOOK at someone, and presume to know their eating and exercise habits? Seriously, drives me insane.

I believe in taking care of your body. And I believe in being healthy. But do I believe that all the skinny people in America take care of their bodies...and make healthy choices? No. No, I don't. It's so stupid to make that assumption. The obvious, automatic assumption when you see a heavier person standing next to a skinny person is that the skinny person eats "healthier" (and we all have different ideas on what "healthy" is...) and that the skinny person exercises more. Let me just say, this idea is bogus. Seriously bogus.

I understand there's an obesity "epidemic" in America. I understand that there's more processed crap than ever before. I understand that we need to make people aware of health issues and the reality of the situation. But seriously. SERIOUSLY...we ALL need to hear these messages. All of us. Just because I'm an unlucky person, who struggles with weight MUCH more than the average Joe, and has to constantly, CONSTANTLY worry about the physical consequences of what I'm putting into my body, does not mean I deserve to be treated any differently from anyone else. If I choose to eat a piece of pizza, and my skinnier friend chooses to eat a piece of pizza, heck...we're both making the same choice, and I shouldn't be judged harsher just because I've got a little more meat on my bones.

Can you tell this topic gets under my skin?

Thoughts? Agree? Disagree? Argue with me. Please and thank you.

The "hows" to my weight-loss success so far

Okay friends.

After several, and I mean SEVERAL, people questioning me over the last few weeks on my weight-loss success, I'm going to write a blog post about it.

Paleo.

Here's the deal. I have my thoughts, opinions and feelings on food, health and nutrition. And my thoughts, opinions and feelings do not have to line up with yours in order for us to remain friends. Since I have been asked by several people for tips, thoughts, explanations and so on, I'm going to share them here on my blog.

First and foremost, paleo has been much more a mind-shift than a diet-shift for me. It's true, I have shifted the way I eat. But I've shifted the way I see food and the way I see myself, which has helped me shift the way I eat.

I used to be someone who thought I'd never be able to look or feel good. I was cursed with a body that was fat. I had thoughts like, "It sucks that my skinny friend can eat a whole package of oreos, and I eat 3 and gain 5 lbs. It's not fair." I also had the mentality that the rest of the world has, which is..."If I can just lose 'this' amount of lbs. in 'this' amount of time, then...THEN my life will be better and THEN I can eat whatever I want." Everything was centered on time, numbers, and a fixation on the idea that it's not fair that I can't eat crap when other people can. I was obsessed with it. It made me justify everything. "It's not fair that I have to count calories. It's not fair that I have to worry about eating too much. It's not fair...blah blah blah."

Some how, some way, I realized that eating has nothing to do with being fair. Really...REALLY, none of us should be eating processed crap. It doesn't matter how skinny you are...it's not good for our bodies. But the reality is, what you do to your body has nothing to do with what I do to my body. And I finally figured that out.

I started seeing food as fuel...fuel for this God-given body that I've been entrusted with. Food is just like anything else; some things improve our well-being and help us achieve our goals, and some things set us back...and do not help our well-being.

So, one day...I just decided. I decided to stop looking at numbers. To stop comparing. To stop being envious. And I started to focus on my body. MY body. Not the world's view of a perfect body. Not the government's idea of what a perfect body should consume. MY body...and what makes my body feel good.

I listened to podcasts...specifically Latest In Paleo, which has since turned into less of a paleo podcast, and more of a whole-foods podcast. The producer, Angelo Copola, doesn't follow a strict "paleo" lifestyle. He eats grains on occasion and allows dairy into his diet. He does, however, eat natural, whole foods. The podcast takes a look at all sorts of articles, news clips, documentaries and debates about food...and he breaks them apart and looks at it through a paleo-ish lense. Listening to these podcasts allowed me to form my own thoughts and opinions on what I should be putting in my body...because I was hearing multiple view-points on health, food, nutrition an exercise....all from a wide variety of sources.

When I started the paleo lifestyle, I did it with the mindset that I'd see how I FELT after 30 days. Not how much weight I'd lose...but how I would feel. I didn't put a number on it. I didn't compare myself to any other person's experience with paleo. I just decided to do it, and then to see how I felt.

At the end of the 30 days of following a pretty strict paleo diet, I felt clean, more energetic, and my sleep had improved. So, I decided to keep going. I started August 8, 2011...and I've been living this lifestyle since that time.

So, do I "cheat"? What about wheat? What about "eat meat sparingly"?

First of all, the fact that I've shifted the way I see food means I no longer believe in the term "cheat" when it comes to food. Food is fuel. Some food doesn't fuel my body the way it should. Does it mean I'm cheating when I eat that non-productive fuel? No. I'm not cheating. How is that cheating? I'm just CHOOSING to fuel my body with fake substance that doesn't do much for my physical well-being. It's happy for my taste-buds in the moment. And you know what...that's just fine. I can make those choices if I want. And I do on occasion. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person. It doesn't mean I'm a failure at the paleo lifestyle. It just means I made a choice. And the choice produces some kind of consequence. Sometimes the only consequence is that I get to enjoy something tasty with my friends. Sometimes there are negative consequences, like feeling bloated, not being able to sleep very well, or having my pants feel a little tighter. But I made the choice, and it's the choice I wanted to make. I do not plan "cheat days." I do not calculate when I'll be able to eat certain things. I do not say "Well, because I ate this, I now have to run an extra mile." Nope... I just make choices.

So, yes, I do go off the Paleo beating path on occasion. Sometimes it's once a week. Sometimes it's once a month. Sometimes it's three times a week. The fact is, however...I don't plan and/or calculate those things. I just do what I want. And I can, now that my view of food has shifted. Because, you see, I no longer WANT to fuel my body with crap all the time. So my desire for crap is less frequent than it used to be. So when I do have a desire...sure. Once in a while I'll allow myself to have it, because I know that it won't be my main source of fuel.

Wheat. Eat meat sparingly. (This paragraph is for the Mormon readers out there. You can look up the Word of Wisdom here if you don't know what I'm talking about.) Well, to be honest...I don't care if YOU want to eat wheat. And, I do agree...that meat shouldn't be in every meal every day. But come on....really? Really? You're going to use the Word of Wisdom to keep you from eating HEALTHY? I view the paleo lifestyle as eating NATURAL WHOLE foods. So, really...maybe I shouldn't refer to it as paleo anymore. Over the year and a half that I've been eating this way, my views and ideas have evolved. So, maybe I should refer to it as a whole-foods lifestyle. But here's the deal. Gluten does not make my body feel good: fact. Wheat has gluten: fact. So, I don't eat wheat. Too many grains and starches make ME feel lethargic and cause my body to hold onto unneeded weight: fact. Do I believe grains are beneficial for the body? Yes, I do. So I eat them sometimes. Tell me this. If you're a person who eats lots of fast-food, processed food, and sugary items...but doesn't eat a lot of meat, do you think you're living the Word of Wisdom?

In a nutshell, here's what I'll say to people who are unhealthy, and ask me about how my diet lines up with the Word of Wisdom: Just cut out the processed foods. That's it. If gluten doesn't make you feel sick...GREAT, eat wheat. But make it yourself. Eat things that you could grow and make yourself.

So, moral of this whole story is....I don't really put numbers on things. I haven't given myself a time limit. I make goals based on physical things I want to accomplish. Like: I want my body to have enough energy to run a 5K. Or: I don't want diabetes. SURE, I do have sizes I'd like to see. But I don't center my whole world on those sizes. And I DON'T put a time-limit on when I should fit into those sizes. My main goal is PROGRESSION. I want to be healthier at the end of this year than I was at the end of last. If that means I'm another size down, then WOOOHOOO.

One more thing. WALK. I believe in walking. Walking will keep you alive. Sure, I've bumped my walking up to running. But I still walk every day as well. And I'm still progressing. Some day I want to add weight training into my exercise routine. Baby steps. I mastered walking first. Then I added running. I just don't believe in diving in the deep end when it comes to exercise...because if you're like me, you'll drown. I'm working my way up...slowly, but surely. With no time limits or restrictions.

The secret: Mind-shift before diet/exercise-shift.

If you made it all the way to the end of this post...wow. Good for you. I'm no expert. Not by ANY definition. I'm just telling you the mentality that's worked for me.

More links I've used throughout my year-and-a-half journey:

Favorite recipe blog: http://everydaypaleo.com/

Informative blogs:
Strict paleo: http://robbwolf.com/
A little less strict...defined more as "primal" living: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/
Whole foods living: http://www.westonaprice.org/basics/dietary-guidelines

Favorite podcast, which I linked to in my "novel" ;) : http://www.latestinpaleo.com/

Hey, so...listen.

Hey. So, I have this roommate who starts every sentence with "Hey, so" or "Listen." Once in a while she'll start it with "Look." But "Hey" and "Listen" are her most common and favorite. I've started to pick up on the isms...as I often do with whomever I'm around a lot.

Can I just say, I really enjoy my roommates. And currently, at this present time, they're filling our house with delicious smells of things I probably can't eat. :)

I would like to testify of the power of service for just a moment. This is not a story of where I served someone and it was a magnificent experience. NO. This is a story of someone serving me.

Once upon a time, I didn't know *insert person's name here* very well. She had little quarks...and because I didn't know her very well...those quarks kind of bugged me sometimes. I had no desire to get to know her...or try to be friends. Then one day I sprained my ankle. And *said person* took care of me. Beyond the normal care one gives a stranger when she sprains her ankle. She propped pillows up. Took my sock off. Observed the swelling. Put ice on it. Went to the store to buy more ice. Bought me dried fruit as a treat since she knows I try to stay away from processed food. She cleaned my nasty scrapes on my knee (spraining my ankle just wasn't enough that night...had to scrape up my knee and put a hole in my brand new workout pants) and applied healing jell stuff to it. She went to my room and brought everything down to the couch that I needed/wanted...backpack, computer, phone, charger. She made me delicious soup. And then she put on a movie and watched it with me as I stuck my foot in a bucket of ice/water. It actually wasn't a bucket...it was a big pot. And she's the one who prepared it for me.

Due to this one night...this one event...and these many acts of service, I have since gotten to know *said person* and I absolutely love her. I do. She's a tender, caring, thoughtful, good person who's just trying to make it through this life in one piece. We're buds now. And I'm so thankful to have her in my life. And that is the power of service. Pure, heartfelt, Christ-like service. It softened heart and removed my stupid, horrible pride...and now I have an amazing friend.

The other thing I wanted to say in the post is this. I post way too often on facebook. I need to disconnect from the world more often. My anxiety has been hitting full force the past couple of days...and I really think it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm always plugged into the whole freaking world. So, I've decided to try leaving my phone at home when I go places...and ah. Sweet freedom. The anxiety has subsided...somewhat. I left it at home last night when I went to dinner with my roommates. And I left it at home today when I went to church, and I actually took my HARD BACK scriptures...the physical ones that you actually turn pages instead of scroll through a little screen. And it was bliss. No temptation to check facebook. No temptation to text. No temptation to tweet. No temptation to play tetris. Just me, the Savior, the Spirit, Heavenly Father, the people I was worshiping with and the good books of scripture. The Spirit didn't have to fight for my attention. Peace. I need to disconnect more often.

But...don't be surprised if I keep posting on facebook often. I can't help it. I like to be heard. I just do. Whatev.

Nobody's blogging

Including me. I don't feel like changing that at the moment. But you all should. I need more reading material.:)

I'm happy! With a little bit of sadness mixed in.

Today I realized, I'm happy. I'm pretty dang happy. For no particular reason. Except, I'm just really happy and content with my life right at the moment.

The Christmas season adds to my happiness. I love listening to sweet melodies of the Savior's life. I love sitting by the tree...looking at the lights and feeling the peace this season brings. The peace the Savior brings all year long.

I recently found out that my job with the government may be ending sooner than anticipated. Apparently, they had less funding for a contract worker than they thought. They really want to keep me, but there's not a lot they can do....except for a few ideas that are in the works. We're trying, but it's not promising.

This job has been so good for me. It's boosted my self-confidence in so many ways. In a way, it reminds me a bit of my mission...in the sense that, I'm dealing with people of all sorts of backgrounds, cultures,and  beliefs. I get to help them progress toward something good.

I've also grown to LOVE my co-workers. I've made some dear friends in just the last 5 weeks. A couple of them, I'm sure, will remain close friends of mine even after I part with the job.

So, this job has added to my happiness. The fact that it's ending causes me some sadness. But things will work out the way they're supposed to.

I sprained my ankle. And it's ugly. Black and blue all over...and still a bit swollen, a week after the fact. I haven't seen a doctor, because several people have told me I don't need to. But everyone at work thinks I should see a doctor. BUT...I can walk on it. Granted, it hurts...but when I wear a brace I'm fine. So, I know I didn't break it. The only thing I don't know is...if there's a small fracture, or if I tore anything that can't grow back. Haha...I don't know what's in an ankle or foot. But anyway...it's bumming me out a bit, because I can't run, and I was supposed to run another 5K at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve along the Waterfront in Portland. Oh well...I guess I'll have to do it next year. The up side of this whole thing is...AT LEAST the sprain happened two days AFTER my first beautiful 5K.

My roommate's mom just passed away from cancer last week. My roommate went home to say goodbye and won't be back for another month. My heart is breaking for her. I know that some of you, the readers of my blog, have experienced the same thing...recently or farther in the past. And my heart breaks for you too. The fact that I live with my roommate has obviously brought it a lot closer to the surface for me...and I've been reliving the feelings of losing a parent...and I've also been aching for my step-siblings who lost their mother at the same stage in life as my roommate is right now. I spent quite a bit of time on Sunday just shedding tear after tear for everyone's loss...because I know the pain. I don't know their own specific pain, but I know a similar pain...

But through all the heart-break I've been feeling on behalf of other people...I've also felt the Savior's love for all those who are feeling in despair. Especially, like I said before, during this Christmas season. I love the Savior so much...for the fact that only HE can truly ease our burdens and comfort our aching hearts. And the fact that he wants to...and does it willingly. I'm comforted in knowing that, while I can't comfort those who are struggling the way I wish I could, I know the Savior can.

So...I'm happy. Definitely happy. With a little sadness mixed in there too. And that's okay...that's life.

Crying at the finish line

So, as many of you know...I ran my first 5K over Thanksgiving weekend.

My very first 5K was a homemade 5K on Thanksgiving morning/noonish. Kayleen and I just programmed 3.1 miles into my phone, and we ran until it told us to stop. Good ole technology.

My second 5K, and first official race, took place last Saturday...the Saturday after Thanksgiving. It was beautiful.

I don't have much to say about it, really. I mean, it was *just* a 5K.

Side note:

When I signed up, the helper guy was like, "Which one are you signing up for?" There were a couple different races taking place over the weekend. I sheepishly said, "Just the 5K." He said, "There's no "JUST" about a 5K. You claim that 5K. Be proud of it. Don't ever put 'just' in front of '5K' again." So I said, "Well, to be honest, I've been working really hard to be able to run this 5K." And he said, "See...and you're going to rock it. Good for you!"

So, back to what I have to actually say about the 5K. I have never considered myself a runner. In fact, I was so far removed from the "runner" status...suggesting I'd ever run a 5K without walking during it was seriously laughable. Like, a year ago, I would have totally laughed at the thought. The thought of running for exercise...or heaven forbid, pleasure...was really quite sickening to me.

But, as y'all know, I've been living a paleo lifestyle since the beginning of August 2011. And this paleo lifestyle has helped me shed some unwanted poundage. It's given me more energy and made me feel better. Also, moving to Washington, D.C....and then to Seattle, WA both forced me to walk a TON. No car = walk everywhere. Even when you ride public transportation, you're still walking lots and lots. And let me tell you, Seattle has HILLS. Many of them. So, the walking has helped me feel better as well...and shed some more unwanted poundage.

So, I've always envied people who enjoy running. I've wished I could be that person who feels free and energized by running. I love the thought of just jogging on beautiful trails and seeing the sights of the world while getting my heart rate up and giving my body its needed exercise. But like I said, I was never that person.

I had heard of the Couch to 5K program a few times before, but I always felt too lazy to try it. The thought of running overwhelmed me. Totally intimidated me...and really, terrified me. But finally, a friend suggested it when I told her I'd always secretly wanted to be a runner, and she said, "Just do the Couch to 5K program. You can do anything for 10 weeks. If you don't like running at the end of 10 weeks...give it up." At this point in my life, I finally felt like my body had the energy and ability to start running.

So I did, slowly...but surly. I didn't give up. I pushed through. I had some stuff come up here and there that would disrupt my schedule...but I forced myself to stick with it and keep going.

And I made it. I made it to my 5K. I really can't put into words the ENORMOUS accomplishment this is for me. There just aren't words for it. I'm not a physical person. I never do physical things. My physical abilities and attributes have always been a big part of my lack of confidence and my self loathing.

And thus...I cried at the finish line of my 5K. Kayleen jogged the whole way with me. She could have finished much faster than I, but she wanted to do it with me. When we got toward the end, she asked if she could sprint ahead so she could take a picture of me crossing the finish line. I liked that idea. So, as I jogged that last little bit alone, I was able to think and ponder on all the hard work that brought me to that moment. The encouragement from friends and family. The sacrifice of my time. The pain at times. And, as I came up to the entrance of the stadium near the Space Needle and heard Kelly Clarkson booming out of the loud speakers "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger" and saw all these people cheering everyone on at the end....the tears began to fill my eyes. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. But, I didn't let my crying last long, because I wanted to look somewhat presentable for the pictures at the end. :) Don't you love how vanity gets in the way of beautiful emotion? Ah...to be a girl.

Anywho...it was a beautiful feeling. One I imagine feeling when I get to hug the Savior at the finish line of this life.