Reflection and hope

Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know know?
Somehow I cannot hide who I am, thought I try.
When will my reflection show who I am inside?

I love Mulan. Good movie.

I've been reflecting a lot this summer. I've done a ton of fun things, and I plan on spending some time uploading pictures from the events of my good summer.

I love my niece, Perry. I love my sister and bro-in law and the good parents they are. I love my mom and the wonderful Grandma she is. I love every aspect of this new little being in our lives.

One thing I've been feeling, however, is like a failure. A failure at life. It's hard not to compare myself to everyone around me. And, I suppose you can say I've been comparing. I'm usually not one to get jealous. And I can still say, I'm not jealous. Jealousy, to me, seems like a feeling of wishing I could have what someone else has but can't have it, and because of that, not wanting the "someone else" to have it. That's not what I feel at all. What I feel is failure. I love...absolutely LOVE that the people in my life are succeeding at everything they do. I really do love that. And I don't even necessarily want what other people have. Honestly...not sure I'm ready for a kid. Honestly...not sure I'm ready for an intense career.

What I am ready for is a direction. A purpose. I have no direction...and no purpose. I don't love where I'm at.

I'm finally making progression toward something. I'm applying to a graduate program in D.C. I'm hoping with all my heart and soul that I get accepted, because it's honestly the only thing that's excited me in the least. Every other so-called "plan" I've come up with just isn't making my heart happy or putting my mind at peace. But this D.C. prospect is. It makes me feel peace. So, I hope so much it's the right thing and works. It's the only program I've felt good about...and I've looked at TONS of programs.

So, here's to hope. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm a failure at life. I'm so tired of living day to day without a purpose. I need a direction. I'm trying to make it happen. Let's all hope together.

H--High Confidence
O--Optimism
P--Patient Perseverance
E--Enthusiasm

I will hope.

Silence

I've come to realize, over the past little while, that I don't have much important to say, and most people probably don't care or don't truly want to take "a look inside my mind." I don't have children...or an exciting job...a husband...or anything to "show off" and my simple "musings" on life just seem too ridiculous to post as of late. Lately, when I start to talk about something, I actually listen to myself and realize how insignificant my thoughts are compared to the reality of people's lives. Basically, I'm getting tired of my own thoughts and the overwhelming speed at which they move.

Hence, my absence. If I have something overwhelmingly urgent to share, I'll make sure to post.

Guess what!

I just might drop everything and move to Tennessee to chase after my singing dream.

Seriously, people.

And, no...a question mark does not belong after "guess what." It's a command, not a question. :)

Heavy heart

My heart is heavy at the moment.

Reason: Judgement and ridicule from limited minded people...and the impact those judgements can have on people's lives, faith and testimony.

Why, when we hear something "different" or that doesn't meet OUR approval about someone, we automatically start jumping to conclusions, want to talk about it...and spread our opinions, thoughts, and misunderstandings to any ear that wants to hear? Gossip. Slander. Rumors. Misinterpreted or misrepresented facts. I'm struggling with all of this.

I'm not exempting myself from this. I gossip with the rest of them. My natural man likes to jump in and talk, question, express my opinion about the lives of others. But today...it has become overwhelmingly unbearable for me.

Christ still has compassion on those who make, what we deem as, unforgivable mistakes and has compassion for the families and friends of those who make such mistakes. My heart aches for such people and families right now. So much so that I could not stop crying throughout Sacrament meeting today in church.

I wish, sooo very much, that the natural man could overcome judgement. I wish I could overcome judgement. It is so harsh and cruel. We can never know what goes on in another person's mind and heart. We can never understand the reasoning behind people's choices, actions, thoughts and feelings, because we are not that person. Only Christ and God know exactly what that person is feeling and thinking. Only They have the responsibility, maturity, and perfected hearts and minds to make those judgements.

Righteous judgement, as we often justify our act of judging with, does not include gossip, scornful looks and behind-the-back ridicule.

I'm tired. I'm tired of the natural man. I'm tired of my natural man. I'm tired of the constant battle I have with my worldly desires and nature. And I'm deeply saddened by the thought that my worldly mistakes, such as judgement and gossip, could cause others to question their testimonies and lead them down a wrong path. I know that people have a choice. They can choose to stay active in church regardless of rumors, gossip, or offense. They can choose to keep their testimonies strong. But it's extremely difficult. And I still have an obligation and duty to live in a way that will only help people stay strong in their testimonies...not make them question their testimonies.

I want to be more Christ-like. I want to lead people to Him. I hope and pray that I can continue to line my life with His Gospel. It's not just about the big things. It's easy for many of us to not kill, not commit adultery, not steal...to even not harm our bodies with substance abuse. Sometimes it's more about the small things. I hope to overcome the "small" things.

Deep Deep Trouble

Allow me to invite you into my past.

As I've stated before, many times, my dad died when I was young. So, I grip onto memories and things that remind me of him very tightly.

This is one thing that makes me think of him. The Simpsons. I don't watch the Simpsons. I've probably seen 3 episodes in my entire life. It's just never drawn me in like other shows often do. The CD "The Simpsons Sing the Blues" does draw me in, however. My dad introduced this then-tape to my sister and me when we were just teeny little children. We LOVED it, and so did he. I now have a CD, but the tape we had back then was played many many times. In fact, when I was about 5 years old, I thought it would be fun to put it into my little recorder and record over it, on this specific song, just to show how good I was at memorizing songs. So, part of the way through "Deep Deep Trouble" Bart cuts out, and I start singing. It's great. Then, Kayleen and I start singing a New Kids On The Block song. Then one of my parents finds us, I say "Oh no!" and the tape goes back to Bart to finish off the song. It's seriously a great treasure.

But anyway, here's the song. A song that lunges me back in time. Back when I was 5 and my dad was alive.



If the song offends you...take it up with my dad in the next life. :)

No title is good enough

I'm here. Louisiana. It's a beaut. Humidity wrapping you like a soggy blanket, bugs buzzing in your ears, and fire ants biting your feet. Can't get much better than this. Oh...and the people are a plus, too.

Pictures to come. :)

Anger management and other junk...

Okay. My trip to the South can't come soon enough. (Day after tomorrow...yay!)

Here are the things in my mind and life lately...

1) I have anger issues. I really do. Today, I debated and debated whether or not to download a specific audio book on itunes. It was expensive, but I had a gift card. I could have bought several other cheaper books for the price of this one, but I really wanted this one. The real stinger is, I could have gotten a paperback version for WAY cheap...used on Amazon. But I need things to listen to at work, and audio would be well worth the price because of how much I listen to things while at work. So, I downloaded it. Okay, it's Amy Grant's book, "Mosaic: Pieces of My Life So Far." Anyway...I got it. I've always been able to transfer my downloads from my laptop to my phone. All of my songs, podcasts...whatever. But not the book. It's protected or something. And it won't let me transfer it to my phone. Which brings me to my anger issues. When something I've put a lot of thought and debate into...or planning and preparation, depending on what it is, goes bad and out of my control...I FLIP. I'm serious. Swear words go off in my head, rage fills me until I just want to hit something...and forget about trying to talk to me. I don't care who you are...I'll rip into you. It's seriously a problem. And when it's over, I always tell myself I won't react that way the next time something goes wrong...but then I do. I do NOT like this about myself.

2) There's a boy who is interested in me. Whom I am most definitely not interested in back. And I'm trying to figure out how to break the news to him.

3) There's a boy I'm interested in (which I'm usually very careful to never let happen unless I know he's interested in me) and I'm almost positive he has no desire to pursue me or a relationship with me any further than he already has. Oh well. I tried.

4) I may up and move to Chicago. There's a school with a master's program I want there...but I think I'm just going to take a leap and move, even before I apply. I need to do something with my life. I need a change.

That's enough crazy for one post. Again, thank goodness I'm taking a vacation in two days. I'm going a bit stir crazy here on the home front.