Homeless

I talked to a homeless guy today. His name is Michael. I can't get him off my mind.

He was sitting outside temple square, his back against a tree, a cardboard sign propped against his knee with the words "living on the streets, anything will help" written in horrible hand-writing, and a paper cup sitting on the pavement in front of him with a few quarters in it.

He was holding a cup of coffee, wearing a coat, jeans, beat up tennis shoes and a baseball cap. He had a small back pack next to him. He was a skinny guy, his hair was long, he looked a bit dirty, and he had facial hair.

I've seen people holding signs all my life. I'm from Portland.... Sometimes I give money, sometimes I give food, sometimes I just pass by...usually depending on how safe I feel and whether I have anything to offer. I once tried to offer a family some food at a rest-stop, but they only wanted money.

Today, all I had was a hand full of pennies at the bottom of my purse. So, I went over to Michael and said, "All I have are a bunch of pennies. Are you interested?" He said, "Yes please; every little bit helps."

I then knelt down on the pavement and began to talk with him while I waited for my ride. I asked him if he had some place warm to stay tonight, since it was beginning to snow. He said he lives in a tent in the mountains. I asked him if he had stuff to build a fire. He said he lives too close to a residential area; if he built a fire they'd throw him in jail. I asked him if he had any friends who stayed with him. He said that he had had one, but they had a fight and parted ways a while ago.

I asked him how long it's been since he's had a home. He said he hasn't truly lived under a roof since the early 90s. I asked him how he became homeless. He said he came from a family of drug addicts and alcoholics and he, himself got heavily involved in drugs and alcohol, then got heavily involved in theft, and then spent 18 years in prison.

He told me he's been out of prison for years, but has no identification and has a hard time finding a job without identification. It really seemed to me that he had no idea of how to even go about getting help. He says he's completely off drugs and alcohol, but is addicted to coffee and cigarettes.

I asked him if he ever goes to shelters. He said he had before, but the times he's stayed in those places, other homeless people steal whatever he does have in his backpack.

I asked him if he ever talks to God. He said, "No...I don't do that." I said, "I know it may seem like a long shot, but I'd try talking to Him. If anyone can help you out, it'll most likely be Him." He nodded his head.

As my ride pulled up I told him I would pray for him. He seemed more grateful for that than the pennies I gave him.

He has a good soul. I could tell by talking with him. He wasn't bothering people like some do, just sitting there, looking at the ground. It seemed almost like he appreciated our conversation more than anything else.

I'm really really blessed. Like REALLY blessed. I was born into a home with amazing parents, in a good situation, with the Gospel of Christ the center of it all. I'm really blessed. I'll be thinking about Michael for a while.

I LOVE...

REXBURG!!!

And I'm going there this weekend! Woot!

Who gets this excited about going to rink-a-dink Rexburg, Idaho?

I DO, I DO!

I'm gonna see people, go places, do things, and it's going to be FABULOUS. Can't wait! Some of my bestest friends are there. :) GOOD stinkin' times.

Let's all just take a moment and bask in this happiness.............................

Okay, moment over. :)

Scary movies, deadlines, graduation, living in the moment

Here are a few thoughts...

Why do people (myself included) enjoy watching scary movies? I'm talking the stupid, pointless, gross kind, where the entire movie consists of someone being chased down and terrorized, and then finally killed at the end? Why? Why did I watch that? It's like, I knew it was stupid, pointless, and filling my mind with worthless images and ideas...and yet, I was drawn to it...couldn't turn away.

I can't handle more than one big decision/process/application at one time. I just can't. Emotionally and mentally. It's like, once I get over one hurdle, I want to relax a bit before jumping the next one. A big hurdle was finding an internship. I found one, but then needed to apply for financial aid. I still haven't jumped that hurdle completely...because things keep going wrong with that stupid process. Because I've had a hard time jumping that hurdle, I never took the time to jump the GRE hurdle. Which means I've missed the deadline to take the last test for this year, and I have to wait until February. Which means I won't start grad school until the Fall...at least. I need to force myself to get enough mental and emotional momentum to continue jumping hurdles without needing a rest.

I can't believe I finally graduate from BYU-I in less than 2 months... If I can come up with enough money to pay for tuition in order to make this internship count. My time at BYU-I has been like my mission...I never thought it would end. Now that it's here...I'm super sad. I loved my time there so much. Especially this last year. GOOD times.

I've gone up and down with my internship...why did I come here, was it the right decision, are the things I'm learning worthwhile for my future...? I've decided to live in the moment. And right now I'm really appreciative of who I work with. I laugh every day, I'm learning lots, and I've made a good new friend. So, all in all, it's a good thing. There's a lot of good to be found.

I've decided that one of my purposes in life is to be a friend to people. I decided this several days ago. Just from the way my life is heading...I really just think that's one of my purposes. It doesn't mean I'm the best at it. I'm not. But I'm becoming better because of the people who allow me to be their friend. :) As I'm typing this I'm thinking of many different individuals...who have all taught me something different. I'm blessed to know the people I know. I'm blessed to have friends and to be a friend.

A quote from the movie "Marvin's Room" has stuck in my mind for years and years. The older sister, Bessie, has taken care of her dying parents for years (or one parent? It's been a while since I've seen it). She finds out she's dying from leukemia, and to her younger sister (whom she has had a strained relationship with up to this point because the younger sister didn't stay to help take care of the parents) Bessie says, "I've been so lucky, I've had so much love in my life." Lee, the younger sister, says, "Yes, they love you very much," referring to their parents. And then Lee says, "No, I'm lucky that I've been able to give so much love." That's always stuck with me...ever since watching it, years ago. I feel the same. I don't always act that way...but I feel that way, and I want to try to show and give my love better.

The Art of Happiness

So, I've been reading this book. It's by the Dalai Lama and Howard C Cutler, M.D. Last night I read a passage that really stuck out to me. It's in the chapter called "Human Warmth and Compassion." The book talks about how relationships, intimacy, compassion and so on are all major parts of our happiness. But, today in Western culture, we don't always put the right definition on these words: intimacy, compassion, romance. This specific passage is about compassion and love. The first is about the possible dangerous form of compassion...the second about the true genuine form of compassion.

The Dalai Lama says-
"...I think there is often a danger of confusing compassion with attachment. So when we discuss compassion, we must first make a distinction between two types of love or compassion. One kind of compassion is tinged with attachment--the feeling of controlling someone, or loving someone so that person will love you back. This ordinary type of love or compassion is quite partial and biased. And a relationship based on that alone is unstable. That kind of partial relationship, based on perceiving and identifying the person as a friend, may lead to a certain emotional attachment and feeling of closeness. But if there is a slight change in the situation, a disagreement perhaps, or if your friend does something to make you angry, then all of a sudden your mental projection changes; the concept of 'my friend' is no longer there. Then you'll find the emotional attachment evaporating, and instead of that feeling of love and concern, you may have a feeling of hatred. So, that kind of love, based on attachment, can be closely linked with hatred."

Wow.

"But there is a second type of compassion that is free from such attachment. That is genuine compassion. That kind of compassion isn't so much based on the fact that this person or that person is dear to me. Rather, genuine compassion is based on the rationale that all human beings have an innate desire to be happy and overcome suffering, just like myself. And, just like myself, they have the natural right to fulfill this fundamental aspiration. On the basis of the recognition of this equality and commonality, you develop a sense of affinity and closeness with others. With this as a foundation, you can feel compassion regardless of whether you view the other person as a friend or an enemy. It is based on the other's fundamental rights rather than your own mental projection. Upon this basis, then, you will generate love and compassion."

That first paragraph is so true, to me anyway. That's the type of love and compassion I've had for many people throughout my life, and I've had to learn how to rip myself away from that type of compassion, and morph into the other. The other is so much more healthy and consistent, so I've found in my own personal experience. The first type seems more sincere at first, but I hate to admit...many times it does evolve into feelings of anger toward the other person if something goes wrong. Is that true compassion? No. I don't know why I ever thought it was. Ah, life...one big learning process.

Anyway, this isn't an extremely exciting post. But it hit me, so I wanted to share. I find the Dalai Lama to be very wise. :)

Good things

*People who care
*A random text saying "thinking about you"
*A random phone call (when texting has lost its charm)
*Moms who seem to never get annoyed, no matter how much you turn to them for advice or comfort
*Seeing sister missionaries all over and surrounding Temple Square
*Seeing a good friend after a few months
*Feeling passionate about an idea
*Creating something
*A good book (I'm reading The Art of Happiness right now...by the Dalai Lama and some random psychiatrist.)
*Connecting with people
*Being trusted
*Prayer
*A bus driver who remembers you and talks to you every time you get on (guarantees you'll never miss it if your head's buried in a book when the bus arrives:))
*Music
*Good movies that make you laugh, cry, and ponder all in one sitting
*Cousins

There are more. But these are the good things filling my mind today. :)

Makeover

Let's face it. My blog has needed a pick-me-up for a long time. That other template was just...blah. But, for the past two years I just haven't wanted to deal with a new blog template, because I felt like my words should speak for themselves. I also knew I'd be really picky about the look of my blog. So, I avoided it.

Well, my cousin Lacey is with me this weekend. And she agreed that I needed a new template. So, she took me on a template ride. Just as I was afraid of, it took me FOREVER to pick one. Why do I take it so seriously? I'm not sure. I'm thinking it has to do with image.

I have a really hard time with image. That's why I love writing so much. I feel confident and capable through words...especially the written word. But my image...I still feel like a child. I don't love makeup...I don't love dressing up...I don't love doing my hair. When I try to dress like an "adult" I'm always desperate for help from a sister, cousin or friend. I hate high heels...with a passion. And I feel like I'm playing dress-up when I try to dress in a suit outfit. So, I suppose my blog is the same. What template would really portray me? I settled on this "solitude" looking template, because it's how I feel when I write.

I want my image to be inviting. I want people to feel safe, secure and important when they're around me. I don't want people to feel insecure, stupid or vulnerable around me. What kind of clothes and style portray that? Goodness, if it took me forever to choose a new blog template, imagine how long it will take me to form my own self image. :)

Faults

I can't stand when people judge or talk about people behind their backs.

But do you know what I realized today?

I talk about people who talk about people. Yep. I'm just as bad. I just target my venting/gossiping/behind-the-back-talking at people who I witness or overhear judging, making fun of, or talk about innocent (or whom I presume to be innocent) victims.

So, I realize I'm really not any better...shouldn't hold myself above...and need to focus on myself.

This is my most recently discovered fault, and newest goal to get rid of. I find these daily...I just decided to post this one for some reason. Maybe to make sure I follow through with my goal to eliminate this fault.