Therapy

I like golf. A lot. It is the best therapy I've ever had. And yes, I've had other forms of therapy. :) I went out with my Grandpa a couple days ago, just to hit a bucket of balls. Every single worry and obsession completely left my brain for the hour and a half we were hitting golf balls. I've had a lot of obsessive thoughts lately. I've been going over and over the same things...getting the same results...basically driving myself crazy. As my Grandpa and I got back into the car after spending time with clubs, balls, green and sky I realized I had not thought ONE bit about any of the things I've been obsessing about. I must go back soon. Maybe today.

Free falling

*Warning: Deep, lengthy thoughts below. Read at your own risk. :)


This past year has been full of tears for me. They just fall and fall and fall. Freely. But not until I've stationed myself in a secluded environment. I've become a bit more private about my tears this year.

I've experienced great disappointment this year. Mostly in the fact that people are human, including myself, and we all hurt and get hurt...sometimes with intention behind the hurt, but more often than not, unintentionally. I know I've hurt people...mostly unintentionally. There are few times I can count where I've whole-heartedly intended on hurting someone. I do know of a few of those times...and I'm not proud of them. But, usually when I hurt someone, it's unintentional. But it happens just the same. I'm human, and sometimes I don't know how to handle delicate situations, subjects, information and so on. Sometimes I don't understand the importance of something to someone. Sometimes I don't take the time to listen. All these things are unintentional, but hurtful none-the-less.

Trust is a delicate thing. I think we all have a deep, passionate desire to be able to trust some physical, human being...completely...with everything we feel and hold inside of us. The fact is, we are all human. Even in marriage (and no, I'm not married...but I know many who are) certain information isn't handled well by the other partner at all times. And this is because we're human. We don't always know exactly how to react...nor do our views always line up with the other person's, no matter how much we love that person. I do believe that a good, Christ-centered marriage (which I'm blessed to have so many examples of from many of my friends and family) is the closest we can come to putting our whole hearts and trust into someone here in the flesh without getting completely demolished mentally and emotionally. And the only reason I believe that is the case, is because that's the way God intended it. One day, together, a sealed couple...who's made mistakes, fumbled, messed up, but continued to try, will make it to the Celestial Kingdom...man, woman, together. That's the plan. God's plan.

But sometimes...that's hard. For me, it is. Because I don't have a man. But this is not an "I hate being single" pitty party. I promise. Because even if I did have a man, all my needs still wouldn't be met. I just yearn to have someone here whom I can trust completely, confide in whole-heartedly. But in reality, that just can't happen. Only Jesus Christ and God can handle that responsibility. Or, they're the only ones who can handle it responsibly, the way it needs to be...the perfect way. But that's hard. Because I'm human.

And so, this year I've placed trust in people...or realized past trust placements...too much trust and too much information, with the expectation of perfect understanding and perfect results. This usually leads to a broken heart...painful experiences.

I often feel so wishy washy though...because I'm not saying to give up on trusting people. Not at all. Trusting and opening our hearts is a beautiful thing. God intends for us to have close friends and to help each other through difficult times. I'm just saying I need to learn and understand that everyone is human. And my hopes and happiness cannot depend on any one human being standing in front of me. That's what I meant in this post but maybe didn't get across quite so well...

Tears fell freely tonight. It's not easy being human. Luckily, Christ experienced it. So...at least He knows what I mean. :)

Out on the open road

I still haven't decided if I'm going private.... I must be pretty full of it if I think it's a big enough deal to need to think about it longer than a minute...

I've been doing a lot of driving lately. From Idaho to Oregon, then Oregon to Idaho, then Idaho to Utah, then Utah to Idaho, then Idaho to Utah again.


Good thinking time. I love open space. I love LOVE the colors green and blue, and it's so beautiful to see the blue sky touching a green field. I know I've mentioned that before...but it's true. I love it. It's breath taking. And I get to see a lot of that between Idaho and Utah.

Today, as I was driving from Rexburg back to Tooele, I thought about God. I thought about how I'm good. And you're good. We're good because God made us. And I don't need the approval or love of anyone else to know I'm good. I'm good because God thinks I'm good, and God loves me. He knows my potential, believes in me, and sees the good in me. He knows I'm good.

This, however, does not mean it doesn't feel good to hear other people say we're good. So, I will continue to remind people that they are good. You're good. You're good because you're a child of God. :)

Private?

How many of you would still read my blog if I went private? Would it be too much of a hassle?

I've been toying with the idea for a few months now...mainly because I post my songs on here. I'm not saying that my songs are amazing enough for someone to steal them...okay, maybe I am. But I'm well aware that would probably never happen...BUT you never know. So, I'd probably feel more comfortable posting stuff like that if I went private.

So, would you still read? Are "you" even out there? Maybe there's only like...2 of you, so it wouldn't really matter anyway... If you feel like expressing your opinion, let me know.

:)

Playin' with the big boys now

First day of the internship today. Fun stuff.

I never get good sleep the night prior to something big and new the next day. I definitely didn't get great sleep last night. This morning I felt like I'd throw up. My face did that weird thing it does when I'm nervous...it twitches...while I'm talking to people. Nice. But, luckily it wore off. :)

My mentor is awesome. He's so funny. My department seems awesome...really fun, funny and friendly. I had an internship orientation along with some other interns in different departments. I have to admit, I secretly thought mine was the coolest and the most fun. This is the perfect thing for me. The other interns were for publishing/editing and graphic design. I'm sure they think their department is the best...but seriously. Music and movies? I get to see how it all goes down. How stars get promoted. How Deseret Book works with stars outside of Shadow Mountain Music. I mean...seriously people. It's awesome.

I did some easy stuff today. Production things...putting CDs together. But soon I'll be writing up press releases for some up-coming CDs. Exciting stuff.

I'm tired. Really tired. And I got lost on my way home from work. Well...I didn't get lost...I just missed my exit and then tried to find a different way home...but couldn't figure it out, so I had to turn around. It took 40 extra minutes and quite a bit more gas than I'd hoped to use today.

I miss Rexburg. I miss it so much. It's been my most stable home since I graduated high school in 2003. Maybe I'll become a professor and teach at BYU-Idaho some day. :) I love it so much. Seriously. Love it.

Ah Deseret Book. I love it too. :)

Alone but happy

This time of life is interesting. Especially for a single 25-year-old. I really don't know what it would be like to not be single. Maybe I wouldn't like it...yet, I have a hard time believe that is true. :)

So, I'm living in Tooele, Utah with my Grandparents. This is the first time I've ever lived somewhere without people my own age close by.

Home (as of late): Bobby, Kayleen, Kevin and Missy Carlson

Mission: Companions

Rexburg: Roommates, classmates, ward members

So, you see, this is a new experience for me. I've never had to walk into a singles ward alone. Never had to go out and make friends. Roommates are always built-in friends. I mean, eventually I make more friends, but I always have someone to start off with.

I felt good about moving to Tooele. I had other options...possible options anyway. But something inside said, "Tooele." Maybe the Spirit. It feels right.

But, as a friend said to me yesterday, just because it's right doesn't always make it easy. Right now it's weird. It's nice to be with my grandparents. But it's weird to be alone in the sense of young people.

But I'm happy. Happy and content. I'm learning who I am. I'm changing the things I don't like about myself and trying to embrace the things I do like about myself. I'm noticing small things. Like how the wight water shooting out in the fields looks heavenly up against the blue sky. Or how the sky touches the earth over a spacious field of green.

Simplicity is key.

All powerful

There's nothing quite like nature to instill some wisdom in a person...or at least lead a person into some kind of awakening.

I love the ocean. I've always loved the ocean. It's so big. Bigger than I am. It reminds me of God. It's beautiful, powerful, and calming. It smooths the rough edges of pointy stones. It washes up beauty. It reaches deep and carries all sorts of creatures.

I was able to swim in the ocean on Monday. I realized it had the power to sweep me away. I kept getting further and further. First my knees. Then my stomach. Then my chest. Then up to my neck at times. I'd stand there, waiting for a wave to come in; then I'd jump and ride it toward the shore. Some were small waves, and some were so large they forced me under, crashing down over my head. It was exhilarating and powerful. I realized God has the ability to take me away. But he's leaving me here. For now, for some purpose. I need to be happy. And I need to take care of my life.