Sleep deprived...

I deleted my last post. For those of you who were unfortunate enough to read it, I apologize. I'm not sure what has gotten into me lately. Seriously, I'm just going off on anything and everything I'm thinking...deep or superficial. I suppose, even though this is a look inside my mind, you don't need to see every detail of my mind. So please, forgive some of my interesting and random posts. It's the last two weeks of the semester...I'm sleep deprived.

Trap

Sometimes I feel like an animal. I smell or see something good. The closer I get, the more it seems as though it can't be real. And then, without warning, the claws of temptation clutch into my heart, mind and soul.

You'd think I'd learn. My heart is tired from all the hits.

Blindly wandering around

*Warning: The following post is not well structured or well written. I just quickly spewed my thoughts out without going back to fine tune. Sorry.

The past few posts have been deeper than the average blog post. No pictures...no funny stories or thoughts. Mostly deep thoughts. I know it's not as exciting, and it's all just my own take on the world around me..."a look inside my mind" if you will. This post is yet another "what's in Crystal's mind right now" sort of post. Here we go.

I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. Honestly, I think too much. Really, I need to participate in more physical activities to help me get out of my head. But, it's what I do, and I enjoy it for the most part. I love to write, and in order to write well you have to be a thinker on some level. Whether it's about reality or fiction.

So, I've been thinking about my life. My weaknesses, my strengths. Here's a weakness...but not always: I love it when people love/like me a lot. There, I said it. Okay, I'm sure that's not surprising to anyone. And, it's probably not original. But I really really like it. I love to be loved. I also love to love. I love to make people laugh. Nothing makes me happier than when people think I'm funny. If I can get someone to crack up I feel like I've just landed on the moon or something. I also enjoy it when people say nice things about me...whether to my face or when I'm not looking, but I hear it later. I love how I'm just putting all these things here on my blog for all to read. But, I don't feel too private about these things, because I feel like everyone likes to be loved and noticed and appreciated to some degree. It's a natural thing. We all have needs and love it when they're met.

Anyway, my whole life I've tried to be the best. Not the best in comparison to other people (I'm really not into competition, I avoid it because I don't like getting shot down...possibly another weakness) but the best for me. The best person--make the right choices, basically be really likable. And there's nothing wrong with that. I think I should continue to try to be a good person, a likable person, a person who can make people laugh. But sometimes, because I was always trying so hard, I felt like if I ever slipped it was the end of the world. I felt like I was a bad person if I ever slipped...wasn't happy, couldn't make someone laugh, got in a fight, had a mean thought...I felt evil. And, because so many saw what I was showing, I'd hear things like, "Crystal's so mature for her age," and "Crystal's got a good head on her shoulders." These were phrases that I loved hearing...it meant I was accomplishing my goals. But, I always lived in fear that I'd fail, and then people wouldn't like me anymore, which eventually turned into a fear that if I failed God wouldn't like me anymore. This began to make me do everything out of obligation...to be a good person out of obligation...not because I wanted to but because I had to. I'm pretty sure I brought this on myself. Probably a little from weaknesses, a little from pride, a little from good intentions, a little from my obsessive nature.

I'm changing a bit. With change comes learning. I'm trying to balance it all...make it all fit together. I have this friend. She's about 20 years older than I. We talk quite frequently, and I find her to be extremely wise and real. She's seen some of my worst qualities. Seriously...the doubtful, depressed, questioning, intolerant, impatient me. And yet, she tells me all the time, "You're good. Really good." Honestly, when she'd first tell me I'm good, I just didn't get why. She always tells me she believes in me. I didn't understand it. She sees a lot of the bad of me...but sees the best in me. She tells me it's okay to not be perfect. If we were perfect, there'd be no reason to be here. I know we've all heard this before, but for some reason it really sticks and rings true when she says it. She says, "Crystal, why do you feel like you need to have all the answers? Who ever said we should get all the answers? Why do you feel like you need to please every single person but yourself? Why do you think God's love is conditional? Why do you feel other people's love is conditional, and if it is, why do you want it?" These were all crazy questions that I didn't, and still don't have the asnwers to. I don't exactly know why...but I'm starting to change.

I don't want to do things out of fear or obligation. I don't want to please people just to please people or feel good. I want to make people happy to make people happy. I don't want to be afraid of failure either, because I'll just waste my life away. I've done a lot of that. I have the potential to do a lot of good, but I think I get in the way of myself. I let fear of failure and disappointment to myself and others stop me from becoming great...great with pure motives.

So, I've learned that it's okay for me to wander around a bit. Test things out. Not know everything. Well, I don't think I've learned it...but I'm learning it. It's still hard for me. But, I'm learning that I'm still a loveable person even with my weaknesses, as long as I'm trying to overcome them. Not being extremely hard on myself, but recognizing my weaknesses and working on them with God's help. I'm realizing this is part of God's plan. We're all little kids just learning and growing. We don't have to be perfect for God to love us. Thank goodness for that.

Find What You're Looking For

Judging.

We all do it. I've judged people. I'm not proud of it. I try my hardest not to do it. I've been judged by people. It hurts.

The thing is, we just find what we're looking for in people. If we search for the bad, we're going to find the bad. If we search for the good, more often than not, we'll find good. I have a friend who's constantly saying, "You're good." Too often we consider ourselves as bad, or as others bad. We're good. We all have good. The old saying that goes something like, "You can't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes," is really true. In fact, usually when you do walk a mile in someone's shoes, you stop judging that person.

There are a few things about my life that not many people know. If people knew these things about me...who knows. I'd maybe lose a few friends. I know you're thinking, "Right Crystal. Whatever. What could you have possibly done that would make me judge you so harshly?" Well, all I'm saying is, we don't know what people are struggling with. We just don't. And it's just not wise to judge people, especially when we have no clue what they're going through.

Sure, there's always righteous judging. But, I believe that involves more of taking an accurate evaluation of a situation and deciding it's not the right thing for you to do, or be. It doesn't mean to look down upon other people for their actions.

I need to always remember the words I'm typing. So, I'm thankful for Amy Grant's song... I'm constantly listening to her, so I'm hoping I won't forget.

Where has all the empathy gone?

Last semester, in my Media Law and Ethics class, we discussed an intense ethical case. A group I'm a part of decided to use the same case in a presentation we put on today in our case studies class.

I would post the ethical case if I thought any of you actually wanted to read it. But, I'll just sum it up, since I'm sure you don't.

A dentist in Medina, OH has a mental breakdown in public. This took place in the late 80s, 1989 I believe. It's a smallish town that now holds over 75 dentists. Who knows how many dentists had practices in Medina back then.

Anyway, this man has a mental breakdown in public. As part of his mental breakdown he begins stripping in the middle of town. He's not bothering anyone, just walking and removing all of his clothes. Police come to try to escort him away, and he begins to get violent. He eventually bites one of the cops and they have to use an animal shock thingy in order to get him in a car.

The local paper decides to publish this story on the front page along with his name. Is this ethical?

Here are a few points to consider. 1) The dentist was never charged with anything, and newspapers are not supposed to print a name when the person is not charged. 2) Should he be considered a public figure because he's a dentist in a smallish town? 3) Criminal behavior (which it's easily argued that his behavior doesn't fall in the category of criminal behavior) is usually placed in crime briefs somewhere inside the paper.

You can think what you want. I'm not against people having their own opinions. The weird thing to me, however, is that in both classes I seem to be the ONLY person who has the least bit of empathy for the man and his family, and believes it to be dancing on a fine line of ethical values, especially in the "minimizing harm" section of a journalist's code of ethics, to print his name on the front page of the paper. Every single person argued the editor's point of view. He's a public figure. His patients have a right to know. It's a small town and every one's going to know anyway, so it has to be on the front page or people will get mad. It's breaking news. Sure, okay. I understand a few of those points. But no one seems to care what this will do to him, his practice, or his family. Also, who's to say that printing this article will keep his patients safe? Obviously he was taken into custody. He received psychological help (the case brief states this at the end). Why does printing this article on the front page keep anyone more safe than going to a dentist who has a mental disability that doesn't break down in public? This was the dentist's first sign of mental disability. He hadn't had a chance to get on medication or have an evaluation yet. Really, does printing it honestly protect people? Maybe you think so, but I'm skeptical.

Mainly, though, I'm just sad that people don't voice any concern for the man or his family. So many people in my classes said things like, "He chose to do it in a public area." Or, "It happened in a public area so he gave away his rights of privacy." Okay, sure, people can take pictures and do whatever they want when something happens in public. It's legal. But is it ethical? And really, did he CHOOSE to break down in public? No. He did not choose it.

I'm just really surprised at people's lack of empathy. I understand a reporter's job and an editor's job. I don't understand people's lack of empathy. At least show some concern for the individual. Goodness.

That's not my bag.

We all have our own bag to carry.

Sometimes we may disguise our bag...it may seem pretty on the outside.


Sometimes we say, "To heck with pretending."


But guess what...we each have our own bag. And each bag holds rocks.

Some are big rocks...


Some are a bit smaller...


The point is, we all have a bag, and we all carry some rocks around. Rocks can be anything--stress, worry, fear, heart ache, illness, guilt, trials, just name it, it's a rock.

Well, here's a news flash for everyone. None of us should ever feel responsible for carrying someone else's bag. It's not my problem; it's not your problem. You've got your own bag. And believe me, I know how heavy they can get sometimes.


I can't carry your bag. If I try to carry your bag, it will just way me down. And it will continue to way me down until there's nothing left of me. It will dig into my shoulders, make my feet hurt, discourage me, suck the life and energy out of me, and possibly even kill me, whether physically or even spiritually.

Some of us like to try to hand our bag to others. In fact, I'm sure we've all done this on occasion. We don't want to carry it anymore. And who can blame us? We're tired and weak and we just want to get rid of it. So we try to give it to the closest victim. Often, we give it to a close friend, someone who cares and will mistake the act of helping and supporting for taking our bag from us. There's a difference between helping/supporting someone and carrying a person's bag. Friends are there to walk beside us, to encourage, to tell us that we can either carry the bag, get rid of some of the rocks, or most importantly, they can and hopefully will steer us to the one person who can lighten our load and help carry our bag.

Guess who that one person is. Guess who can lighten the load, take some rocks out, even carry your bag. Can you guess? That's right, Jesus Christ.

I've carried people's bags before. It didn't work. I learned that the hard way. In fact, I'm still learning from past experiences of trying to carry other people's bags. I'm still experiencing some lingering pain, even after handing back their bag.

You can't carry my bag. I can't carry yours. I will no longer try to carry anyone's bag for them. It does a disservice to them, and it does a disservice to me.

I will point them to the source of comfort and relief. And hopefully, others will do the same for me when I'm just too tired and can't hold it anymore.

We all have a bag. Let's allow Jesus Christ to help us with them.

Music

I appreciate my readers. It always feels good to get a comment. That's why I try to comment on other people's blogs when I feel impressed.

I don't appreciate my readers enough, however, to get rid of my annoying music that automatically blares every time you come to my page. I know...it's rude of me.

The thing is, I like it. And I like the diversity of the songs I choose. I'm completely aware at how obnoxious it is. Why would I think you would want to listen to the music I enjoy? Maybe I'm just conceded like that... :)

Anyway...maybe this is an apology. But it probably isn't, because with an apology change is supposed to occur, and I plan to keep my playlist forever.

I especially feel a little bad for those who detest Adam Lambert. But...what can I say, he's my guilty pleasure. I love him.

The end. :)