I posted this on Facebook. I thought I'd share it here too.
I'm a church-going individual. I have been my whole life. Sunday would come around, and there was no question...you get dressed up in your best clothes, and you sit through 3 hours of church. As I get older, sometimes I wonder about the purpose of church. It's extremely easy to use it as a cover-up. A way to show the world your Christianity. It's so easy to cling to church as the way to profess your faith and prove yourself, but how are we professing our faith beyond church? What do we do with what we learn in church? These are the questions I've been asking myself lately.
Today in church, the question was asked, "How do you stand up and stand out among your peers and how are you different?" The younger me used to think things like, "I'm open and honest about my quirks of not drinking alcohol or coffee...or about how I attend church on Sundays and try not to work on the Sabbath"...etc. The older I get, though...those things are far from my my mind. I, personally, don't need to share the "odd" quirks of Mormonism with the world. The truth is, the world probably already knows how odd we are. Here's what I DO need to share with the world. I need to be the Mormon that people remember because I loved them. I need to be the Mormon that people remember because I mourned with them when they experienced tragic loss. I need to be the Mormon that extended unwavering compassion towards people in their struggles. I need to be the Mormon that offered a shoulder to cry on...even in our differences...and possibly saved a real, tangible life because I offered that shoulder. I need to be the Mormon that bridges the gaps caused by hate and misunderstandings. And I need to be the Mormon that is open to accepting compassion, empathy, love and support from everyone who extends it to me. That's how I need to stand out. I need to be that person that people can think of and say, "I knew a Mormon once. We were friends. We shared a powerful connection of love and understanding."
In true Crystal fashion, I'll end this little novel with an Amy Grant lyric: "And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love. Everybody needs a helping hand; take a look at your fellow man. Tell me...what can I do today? Everybody needs a helping out, if that ain't what it's all about. Tell me what...what can I do? What can I do today?" That's my continued prayer.
Sunday, June 25, 2017
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Communication Musings
How do we know what we know...? Part 2
I've always been a questioner, but my communication classes are just fueling the fire...much to my step-dad's dismay. ;)
One of my classes focuses on the question, "How do we know what we know?" I talked about it in my last post. Its primary focus is how communication, and different channels and ways of communicating, often muddle the facts of the topic (most of the time without us even knowing), but because of how our brains work, we often don't search for facts or question what we hear via communication, we just believe what we hear without thinking too hard about it, especially if it aligns with previously-held beliefs. (You may want to argue against this... but we're all prone to being lazy in our thinking. Deep cognitive thought is extremely difficult to keep up at all times.)
Last night, Chuck and I had a friendly debate about whether Kayleen and Bobby's storage room was an "attic." He called it an attic. It's a small room off the side of another main room, and there is one, maybe two steps up into this small "storage" room. After our discussion about why it was/wasn't an attic, I looked up the term attic, in the interest of looking for facts, and determining why I felt it wasn't an attic..."a space or room just below the roof of a building." I actually have no idea if that storage room ceiling is the roof, or if there's space between the ceiling and the roof (I didn't go outside to examine the structure of the house). If there's space, then it's not an attic. But if there isn't space, Chuck is correct, even though it doesn't look like a typical attic (in my mind, an attic is a loft type space that you have to climb several stairs to get to, because it's at the very top of the house). This storage room, though, is on the top floor, off of another room, and could very well be right below the roof...if the roof is flat. I can't remember what their roof looks like over that part of the house, so I couldn't tell you. But if he's right, I am okay with him being right, even though it doesn't make sense to me. Because it's good to know that my logic, what I think an attic is, isn't necessarily fact. My idea of an attic could be shaped by movies and novels, but not actual fact.
Today, Chuck brought up the "attic" again. And I informed him that I had looked up the word, and it's possible that he could be right (we won't truly know unless we examine the house). Chuck couldn't stop laughing at the fact that I looked up the word.
And this is a glimpse into the life of a man who has a communication-scholar-wannabe for a daughter.
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Communication musings: How do we know what we know?
I find myself continuously pondering what I'm learning as a Communication graduate student, and I decided it might be fun to use my blog as an outlet.
I'm currently taking a Science and Environmental Communication course, in which we discuss how we, as a society, know what we know. As a child, I always considered myself a right-brain person, because as a child, it was relayed to me that creativity and arts live in the right side of your brain, and math and science live in the left side of your brain. If you gravitate towards one of those things more than the other, you must be one or the other. I've always loved music, which is a right-brain thing, and as a child I loved to draw, which is also considered a right-brain thing. I never liked math, and science never quite made sense to me. I didn't fully understand the purpose of science, until recently, to be honest. I never watched shows like Bill Nye the Science Guy...and science classes just always seems really confusing to me...math mixed with chemicals (especially in high school). When I pictured science I pictured men in white lab coats mixing chemicals to watch them explode, or men in white lab coats dissecting frogs for some unknown reason. It was hard to relate science to my personal life, a) because I always pictured men and I'm a woman (another issue for another blog post), and b) because, how do exploding chemicals and frog intestines relate to me personally? I'm sure they do somehow, but they didn't seem to in my childhood.
So, as a child, when you think you are something, it kind of sticks with you. I was right-brained and I was proud of that and there was no need to explore science or math or anything else the left brain operated because I was right-brained.
Wrong. I'm also extremely analytical. I pick everything apart and question everything. This is what made me really great Rewards Analyst, back when I was fully employed and making money (...the woes of a grad student). It's also what drives some people CRAZY when I have conversations with them.... "Why do you say that? Well how do you know? What makes you think he thinks that? Why are we doing this...what's the purpose?" Yeah, it can sometimes seem condescending when that's not my intention. It's kind of in my nature. I'm pretty logical, which gets me in trouble with spiritual things at times, because knowing by the Spirit is different from knowing by logic (logic is a more scientific method to know...Spiritual knowledge is faith-based). Writing falls in the left side of the brain, which I like to think is a skill of mine. This often confuses people because people associate writing with creativity, and creativity is a right-brain thing. The actual process of writing, and writing well, however, is a left-brain thing - grammar, structure, flow, word choice and placement. It's a strategic process. And then reasoning, which goes along with logic, rests in the left side of the brain, which I also encounter often.
So, friends... I've come to realize that I'm not just right brained, but I'm left brained too! And you probably have a bit of both as well. The reason I'm saying all this is because, at first glance, a Science and Environmental Communication class might seem like a real yawn to many of you. Truthfully, it did to me too. I honestly took it because I liked the looks of the course syllabus, and how the professor was going to structure the class (aka: workload seemed less than other class syllabi suggested). But as I've come to learn in this program, Communication itself is a science, a social science. Any time you go out into the field, observe something, make an educated guess (aka: hypothesis) and then test that educated guess, THAT'S SCIENCE. That's the scientific method. Communication just does that with people instead of chemicals. Psychology does that with people instead of chemicals. Sociology does that with people instead of chemicals. It's all science. Politics does that with people and political stuff instead of chemicals, hence, Political Science.
Anyway, this class. It's all about how we know what we know. I'm sure you hear things in the news all the time, "Study shows a glass of wine a day will reduce stress." "Study shows that eating steak will take 10 years off your life." "Study shows that lonely people experience worse cold symptoms than non-lonely people." "Study shows...." That's all based on scientific studies. But often, what you read or hear in the news (or on FACEBOOK...) isn't even remotely close to what the actual scientific study found and suggested. Journalists don't always understand the scientific study, and they latch onto one line or one idea, and they report what they think it means. Or, a classic mistake... scientific studies ALWAYS say, "These findings support our hypothesis (educated guess), which SUGGESTS that people who drink one glass of wine a day will have reduced stress." Keep in mind, this study was ONE study, comparing maybe a couple hundred people in an experiment... and we don't know ANYTHING about the background of those people...lifestyle, work demands, health habits, family demands, etc. Sometimes the study will include those things...and try to get people as similar as possible to participate in the study, but not always. And reporters rarely, if ever, talk about all that jazz. They'll often just state, from one study that says a supported hypothesis suggests something, that "You should drink wine because it will reduce stress." Okay.... kinda stretched from the original finding.
Also, let's explore the idea of science from a different perspective. What are "facts" and what is "truth"? When you really think about it, these are often just the words we use for ideas, theories and subjects that have been tested enough times to produce the same results, which suggests that there is enough evidence to back up a hypothesis. But friends... history is full of hypotheses that were "proven" true for a while...all the evidence pointed to that truth, and then one day...BAM, someone tested it and, and the findings weren't the same as they always had been; the original truth suddenly becomes challenged and might not be true anymore. So, over a given period of time, with more people now testing that same thing with the impression that the pre-determined truth is no longer true, we finally move to a new truth. A prime and simplistic example of this: The world being flat vs. the world being round. Another prime example: the belief that stomach ulcers were caused by stress vs. stomach ulcers being caused by a bacteria (it's a bacteria...in case you still thought it was stress. ;)). When conducting scientific studies, scientists allow themselves a teeny bit of room for error, because it's impossible to study and find anything without a teeny room for error. It just is. Ask a statistic professor, because I can't quite explain it to you... just trust me on that. The room for error is small, but it's there. (Or don't trust me. Because this whole post is about how you shouldn't believe everything you read or hear. So... go find a statistician or scientist to explain to you why scientists leave a small percentage of chance to error.) And so, sometimes scientists find things in a study that make something SEEM true, but it's actually a finding that fell in that 2% chance of error, but we base the "truth" off of that error...because we can't know it's error until we test it a million more times to discover that was just a fluke finding (maybe not a million, but enough to kick out the error finding).
I'm not knocking science. It's wonderful. It leads to discoveries about all sorts of things, and we basically have everything...medicine, electricity, technology, mental health options, a planet that is still supporting us, all because of science. But it evolves. And progresses. Which is why we don't just test a bunch of things once, find answers, and then say, "Okay. All the scientists can find new jobs now." We keep making new discoveries, and sometimes, those new discoveries kick out the old discoveries, because the new ones are closer to the truth and what's right.
So, how do we know what we know? Well, we know things via communication. The only way we know anything is via communication. Or rather, we discover things via communication. We might know something by testing it, but we only know to test it through what we learned via communication. But do, and should, we take everything we learn via communication at face value and as truth? Mass communication, such as TV, radio and the internet...teach us basically everything we know in today's world. Books...sometimes. School... but teachers and professors learn from books, so I'll fall back to books for that one. But often, we learn via interpersonal communication as well. We learn things based on what our friends are talking about, and what they heard on the news, or out of the mouth of a celebrity, or read on Facebook. So, are we going to believe everything we read? Everything we hear? And then pass it on like it's fact? Like it's truth? What is fact? I take issue with the words fact and truth. Or, maybe I just take issue with how we use those words. Those words are thrown around far too casually. Sure, there are things we've come to learn as fact. No one has disproven gravity, for example...it's a thing. It's here to stay. It's a fact. But often, when we say, "I know for a fact..." or "The fact is..." well... where are you getting your facts and how do you know it is fact?
This stuff blows my mind. Honestly. It blows my mind. I even question my professors, and most of them would probably tell me, "Good for you." Because they're communication professors, and they know that every word, every utterance that comes out of human mouth, is subject to bias, mood, environment, etc. etc. And it's so unbelievably important in this day in age, with social media teaching so many of us what we know about the world and about each other, to really contemplate how we know what we know. I'm not saying we all have to become analytical beasts that chase all our friends away because we question everything too much (like me...). But I am suggesting that we should all just take a minute before we get caught up in the popular discourse and sharing of information that could possibly be skewed to rial you up, instead of present you with what a study actually found and suggested. And far too often, we don't question it before we share. How many times have we clicked on something, or nearly clicked on something, some offer for some amazing coupon, or some headline that seems too good to be true, and we open it to discover it was just a scam and think, "crap... I hope this doesn't give my computer a virus." We allow our emotions and our gut instinct to agree with or latch onto anything that's in our favor or already in line with our thinking. That's a natural psychological and biological thing to do. But we must start using rational and some logic to weigh what we're hearing and talking about via communication, if we're truly going to know and come to the truth. This goes for all information... not just scientific in nature. (But when you think about it, so much of our lives revolve around science... political, social, psychological, health..... it's all scientific to some degree). Even religion uses the scientific method, when you think about it. We come up with a hypothesis, based on scripture, that an idea or belief is true. Then we act in faith that it is, and wait to discover what happens - the Spirit either does or doesn't confirm the truthfulness of that hypothesis. Information is coming at us from all venues in all forms...and can be framed in any given way for any given purpose. Let's figure out what we're talking about before we talk, and how we know what we think we know before we share.
That's all I've got today. Kind of broad. Stay tuned for more communication musings. ;)
I'm currently taking a Science and Environmental Communication course, in which we discuss how we, as a society, know what we know. As a child, I always considered myself a right-brain person, because as a child, it was relayed to me that creativity and arts live in the right side of your brain, and math and science live in the left side of your brain. If you gravitate towards one of those things more than the other, you must be one or the other. I've always loved music, which is a right-brain thing, and as a child I loved to draw, which is also considered a right-brain thing. I never liked math, and science never quite made sense to me. I didn't fully understand the purpose of science, until recently, to be honest. I never watched shows like Bill Nye the Science Guy...and science classes just always seems really confusing to me...math mixed with chemicals (especially in high school). When I pictured science I pictured men in white lab coats mixing chemicals to watch them explode, or men in white lab coats dissecting frogs for some unknown reason. It was hard to relate science to my personal life, a) because I always pictured men and I'm a woman (another issue for another blog post), and b) because, how do exploding chemicals and frog intestines relate to me personally? I'm sure they do somehow, but they didn't seem to in my childhood.
So, as a child, when you think you are something, it kind of sticks with you. I was right-brained and I was proud of that and there was no need to explore science or math or anything else the left brain operated because I was right-brained.
Wrong. I'm also extremely analytical. I pick everything apart and question everything. This is what made me really great Rewards Analyst, back when I was fully employed and making money (...the woes of a grad student). It's also what drives some people CRAZY when I have conversations with them.... "Why do you say that? Well how do you know? What makes you think he thinks that? Why are we doing this...what's the purpose?" Yeah, it can sometimes seem condescending when that's not my intention. It's kind of in my nature. I'm pretty logical, which gets me in trouble with spiritual things at times, because knowing by the Spirit is different from knowing by logic (logic is a more scientific method to know...Spiritual knowledge is faith-based). Writing falls in the left side of the brain, which I like to think is a skill of mine. This often confuses people because people associate writing with creativity, and creativity is a right-brain thing. The actual process of writing, and writing well, however, is a left-brain thing - grammar, structure, flow, word choice and placement. It's a strategic process. And then reasoning, which goes along with logic, rests in the left side of the brain, which I also encounter often.
So, friends... I've come to realize that I'm not just right brained, but I'm left brained too! And you probably have a bit of both as well. The reason I'm saying all this is because, at first glance, a Science and Environmental Communication class might seem like a real yawn to many of you. Truthfully, it did to me too. I honestly took it because I liked the looks of the course syllabus, and how the professor was going to structure the class (aka: workload seemed less than other class syllabi suggested). But as I've come to learn in this program, Communication itself is a science, a social science. Any time you go out into the field, observe something, make an educated guess (aka: hypothesis) and then test that educated guess, THAT'S SCIENCE. That's the scientific method. Communication just does that with people instead of chemicals. Psychology does that with people instead of chemicals. Sociology does that with people instead of chemicals. It's all science. Politics does that with people and political stuff instead of chemicals, hence, Political Science.
Anyway, this class. It's all about how we know what we know. I'm sure you hear things in the news all the time, "Study shows a glass of wine a day will reduce stress." "Study shows that eating steak will take 10 years off your life." "Study shows that lonely people experience worse cold symptoms than non-lonely people." "Study shows...." That's all based on scientific studies. But often, what you read or hear in the news (or on FACEBOOK...) isn't even remotely close to what the actual scientific study found and suggested. Journalists don't always understand the scientific study, and they latch onto one line or one idea, and they report what they think it means. Or, a classic mistake... scientific studies ALWAYS say, "These findings support our hypothesis (educated guess), which SUGGESTS that people who drink one glass of wine a day will have reduced stress." Keep in mind, this study was ONE study, comparing maybe a couple hundred people in an experiment... and we don't know ANYTHING about the background of those people...lifestyle, work demands, health habits, family demands, etc. Sometimes the study will include those things...and try to get people as similar as possible to participate in the study, but not always. And reporters rarely, if ever, talk about all that jazz. They'll often just state, from one study that says a supported hypothesis suggests something, that "You should drink wine because it will reduce stress." Okay.... kinda stretched from the original finding.
Also, let's explore the idea of science from a different perspective. What are "facts" and what is "truth"? When you really think about it, these are often just the words we use for ideas, theories and subjects that have been tested enough times to produce the same results, which suggests that there is enough evidence to back up a hypothesis. But friends... history is full of hypotheses that were "proven" true for a while...all the evidence pointed to that truth, and then one day...BAM, someone tested it and, and the findings weren't the same as they always had been; the original truth suddenly becomes challenged and might not be true anymore. So, over a given period of time, with more people now testing that same thing with the impression that the pre-determined truth is no longer true, we finally move to a new truth. A prime and simplistic example of this: The world being flat vs. the world being round. Another prime example: the belief that stomach ulcers were caused by stress vs. stomach ulcers being caused by a bacteria (it's a bacteria...in case you still thought it was stress. ;)). When conducting scientific studies, scientists allow themselves a teeny bit of room for error, because it's impossible to study and find anything without a teeny room for error. It just is. Ask a statistic professor, because I can't quite explain it to you... just trust me on that. The room for error is small, but it's there. (Or don't trust me. Because this whole post is about how you shouldn't believe everything you read or hear. So... go find a statistician or scientist to explain to you why scientists leave a small percentage of chance to error.) And so, sometimes scientists find things in a study that make something SEEM true, but it's actually a finding that fell in that 2% chance of error, but we base the "truth" off of that error...because we can't know it's error until we test it a million more times to discover that was just a fluke finding (maybe not a million, but enough to kick out the error finding).
I'm not knocking science. It's wonderful. It leads to discoveries about all sorts of things, and we basically have everything...medicine, electricity, technology, mental health options, a planet that is still supporting us, all because of science. But it evolves. And progresses. Which is why we don't just test a bunch of things once, find answers, and then say, "Okay. All the scientists can find new jobs now." We keep making new discoveries, and sometimes, those new discoveries kick out the old discoveries, because the new ones are closer to the truth and what's right.
So, how do we know what we know? Well, we know things via communication. The only way we know anything is via communication. Or rather, we discover things via communication. We might know something by testing it, but we only know to test it through what we learned via communication. But do, and should, we take everything we learn via communication at face value and as truth? Mass communication, such as TV, radio and the internet...teach us basically everything we know in today's world. Books...sometimes. School... but teachers and professors learn from books, so I'll fall back to books for that one. But often, we learn via interpersonal communication as well. We learn things based on what our friends are talking about, and what they heard on the news, or out of the mouth of a celebrity, or read on Facebook. So, are we going to believe everything we read? Everything we hear? And then pass it on like it's fact? Like it's truth? What is fact? I take issue with the words fact and truth. Or, maybe I just take issue with how we use those words. Those words are thrown around far too casually. Sure, there are things we've come to learn as fact. No one has disproven gravity, for example...it's a thing. It's here to stay. It's a fact. But often, when we say, "I know for a fact..." or "The fact is..." well... where are you getting your facts and how do you know it is fact?
This stuff blows my mind. Honestly. It blows my mind. I even question my professors, and most of them would probably tell me, "Good for you." Because they're communication professors, and they know that every word, every utterance that comes out of human mouth, is subject to bias, mood, environment, etc. etc. And it's so unbelievably important in this day in age, with social media teaching so many of us what we know about the world and about each other, to really contemplate how we know what we know. I'm not saying we all have to become analytical beasts that chase all our friends away because we question everything too much (like me...). But I am suggesting that we should all just take a minute before we get caught up in the popular discourse and sharing of information that could possibly be skewed to rial you up, instead of present you with what a study actually found and suggested. And far too often, we don't question it before we share. How many times have we clicked on something, or nearly clicked on something, some offer for some amazing coupon, or some headline that seems too good to be true, and we open it to discover it was just a scam and think, "crap... I hope this doesn't give my computer a virus." We allow our emotions and our gut instinct to agree with or latch onto anything that's in our favor or already in line with our thinking. That's a natural psychological and biological thing to do. But we must start using rational and some logic to weigh what we're hearing and talking about via communication, if we're truly going to know and come to the truth. This goes for all information... not just scientific in nature. (But when you think about it, so much of our lives revolve around science... political, social, psychological, health..... it's all scientific to some degree). Even religion uses the scientific method, when you think about it. We come up with a hypothesis, based on scripture, that an idea or belief is true. Then we act in faith that it is, and wait to discover what happens - the Spirit either does or doesn't confirm the truthfulness of that hypothesis. Information is coming at us from all venues in all forms...and can be framed in any given way for any given purpose. Let's figure out what we're talking about before we talk, and how we know what we think we know before we share.
That's all I've got today. Kind of broad. Stay tuned for more communication musings. ;)
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Blogging instead of homeworking...
Last night, I made a specific decision to turn down a potentially great opportunity...for my sanity. From the outside perspective, it probably looks like a stupid decision. Kind of like how my decision to quit my journalism master's program at Georgetown probably looked to outsiders five years ago. Kind of like my decision to take a break from my undergraduate coursework for a few semesters...to work at Subway and live with my cousins...probably looked to outsiders. Kind of like quitting a job that drove me absolutely insane...when I didn't have any new jobs lined up...looked to outsiders (wait, I've done that twice). And sometimes, it's not just outsiders...or about outsiders at all. There's a really mean part of my subconscious, that is sometimes louder than other times, screaming, "YOU'RE SO WEAK. YOU CAN'T HANDLE ANYTHING. YOU'RE A LOSER." But I know in my heart of hearts that all these decisions were the right decisions for me. In hindsight, the past decisions I mentioned above, took me to where I needed to be...they were right for me. If I just stop and listen intently, I can hear the true me, the me that's in tune with God, the universe, and my own heart, and it drowns out the meanie in my mind that tells me I'm a loser.
I think so often, in regards to mental health, we feel "less-than"...as though it's not a worthy cause or an appropriate motive to make decisions. We call it "weakness" instead of calling it what it is, "mental-health maintenance." I've dealt with mental-health issues my whole life. I saw a school psychologists while my dad was dying. Post-death, I participated in school group counseling and a nonprofit child grief counseling center called The Dougy Center. In my pre-teen years I saw a counselor...and in my college years I saw a counselor. I've experimented with different anti-depressant medication...I've dealt with diagnosed forms of OCD/depression/anxiety for much of my life. And while I've currently got a decent grasp on my mental health with the appropriate amount of sleep, healthy eating, exercise, adult coloring, meditation, long walks, podcast listening, candle burning (and anything else that brings me happiness), it doesn't mean I don't still deal with it, and have to acknowledge it as a very real thing in my life. But the truth of the matter is, we ALL should be doing things that help us achieve pique mental health. And we shouldn't brush it under the rug as weakness. If someone is fit and physically healthy, does it make him/her need physical health maintenance any less than someone who might not be physically fit and/or healthy? No. Obviously, s/he is doing the maintenance that is required...which is why s/he's physically fit and healthy. We all need physical health and maintenance. For some of us, it might be a bit harder to maintain than others, for a variety of reasons. But we ALL need it. It's the same with mental health.
So... here's my plea, to you and to me, to be happy and content with who we are...and replace the notion of "weakness" with "mental-health maintenance." Y'all are worth it. Give yourself a break and tell the meanie you (and all of us have) in your head to back the hell off.
I think so often, in regards to mental health, we feel "less-than"...as though it's not a worthy cause or an appropriate motive to make decisions. We call it "weakness" instead of calling it what it is, "mental-health maintenance." I've dealt with mental-health issues my whole life. I saw a school psychologists while my dad was dying. Post-death, I participated in school group counseling and a nonprofit child grief counseling center called The Dougy Center. In my pre-teen years I saw a counselor...and in my college years I saw a counselor. I've experimented with different anti-depressant medication...I've dealt with diagnosed forms of OCD/depression/anxiety for much of my life. And while I've currently got a decent grasp on my mental health with the appropriate amount of sleep, healthy eating, exercise, adult coloring, meditation, long walks, podcast listening, candle burning (and anything else that brings me happiness), it doesn't mean I don't still deal with it, and have to acknowledge it as a very real thing in my life. But the truth of the matter is, we ALL should be doing things that help us achieve pique mental health. And we shouldn't brush it under the rug as weakness. If someone is fit and physically healthy, does it make him/her need physical health maintenance any less than someone who might not be physically fit and/or healthy? No. Obviously, s/he is doing the maintenance that is required...which is why s/he's physically fit and healthy. We all need physical health and maintenance. For some of us, it might be a bit harder to maintain than others, for a variety of reasons. But we ALL need it. It's the same with mental health.
So... here's my plea, to you and to me, to be happy and content with who we are...and replace the notion of "weakness" with "mental-health maintenance." Y'all are worth it. Give yourself a break and tell the meanie you (and all of us have) in your head to back the hell off.
Friday, February 10, 2017
It's been over a year since I posted in here.
I don't have time to be writing this post. Grad school is kicking my butt.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Sad post
My song-writing button in my soul is broken. It doesn't work when I try to turn it on. It's been nearly 5 years since I've written a song. I tried to write one today, and I just started crying. I don't even really know why. It just made me very emotionally upset.
It makes sense... Five years ago was the peak of my depression. The breaking point. I wrote a few songs while in the midst of my ultimate misery, and then didn't pick up the guitar for a long while after. Something is literally broken in me. I'm scared of it. I just can't write songs.
It makes me sad. I miss it.
It makes sense... Five years ago was the peak of my depression. The breaking point. I wrote a few songs while in the midst of my ultimate misery, and then didn't pick up the guitar for a long while after. Something is literally broken in me. I'm scared of it. I just can't write songs.
It makes me sad. I miss it.
Monday, January 4, 2016
Two cents
One time, my then 30-year-old friend and her then 28-year-old fiance were told by their stake president that for the last few weeks before their marriage they shouldn't be alone together. She then said, "You know, President, I don't think that council really applies to us. I don't think we'll be following it." And he said, "You know what? You're probably right. That doesn't really apply to you very well."
And here we have an example of an open conversation between common-folk and priesthood authority. Sometimes, respectfully agreeing and sharing one's thoughts is beneficial.
They proceeded to be alone together prior to their marriage...and they were married in the temple without a glitch.
The end.
And here we have an example of an open conversation between common-folk and priesthood authority. Sometimes, respectfully agreeing and sharing one's thoughts is beneficial.
They proceeded to be alone together prior to their marriage...and they were married in the temple without a glitch.
The end.
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
I can't put into words...
I'm at the beloved Peterson's home. Not 5 minutes after my parents picked me up from the Salt Lake City airport last night, my cousin, Sundy, calls to welcome me to Utah because she couldn't be at the house when I got there, but wanted to make sure I knew how happy she was that I was there. As I stepped into the Peterson's entry-way, the lights were dimmed, candles were lit and the tree was bright. My aunt Nancy had lit the candles just for me, hoping to make it feel warm and Christmassy. My uncle has said, at least 4 or 5 times since I've gotten here, how wonderful it is to have me and my family with them for Christmas. My cousin, Lacey, went on a hunt for a fan and laid it on my bed for my arrival, because she knows I need white noise to sleep. Happiness continually asks, "Where's my Crystal?" always making me feel wanted. Paul gives me warm bear hugs whenever he sees me. This is my second family. I began writing the post below before I arrived... But now I just have to attempt to finish it. I love this family beyond what words can accurately describe, but I'll do my best in a simple blog post.
My dad passed away on the cusp of the holiday season of 1993. The way I often describe the feeling in our home and lives after my dad's death, especially the first year, is...winter. Dark, rainy, long nights, short days, wet, cold...hard. Winter. The feeling in our souls when my dad died was...winter. How would we make it through the dark? The sun felt so far away. Life was like a never-ending winter.
Lucky for us, the Peterson family, my Aunt Nancy (my mom's older sister) and Uncle Bob, invited us to Virginia to spend our first Christmas without my dad with them. They greeted us at the airport, and I'll never forget the smiles on their faces when we arrived. The two oldest cousins, Happy and Sundy, just gushed over us and hugged us, asking how we were and if we were excited for Christmas. The two younger cousins, Lacey and Paul, joyfully accepted us as well...excited for more friends. They brought the sun to our lives, melting the wintery feeling away. With their hugs, their laughter, their joy and excitement to have us there, their music and singing, their love. That Christmas was one that has been chiseled into my heart and memory. Sledding, singing at the DC temple visitor's center, belting Amy Grant lyrics in the car, playing games, touring the White House...it was magical. It brought the much-needed sunlight to our aching hearts.
The Peterson clan has been a source of sunlight for me ever since that time. I've lived with them twice in my life. One specific time, in particular, they were a godsend, and it wasn't a coincidence I was living with them when I did. I deeply struggled to maintain happiness and love for myself during that year, and they showered me with nothing but love and acceptance. They saved me.
I feel so lucky and blessed to spend Christmas with them and my family this year. It always feels like warm summer with the Petersons. Their home is filled with music and singing, Christmas decorations, And the feeling of the Savior's love. And let's not forget...goodies, lots and lots of goodies, many of which are dropped off by the multitude of friends they have acquired throughout the years of their generosity and outpouring of love to others.
My heart is seriously full this Christmas season. I truly hope I can bring as much joy to people's lives as the Peterson's have brought to mine and my family's. I'm so thankful for the joy of the Savior's birth, and how Heavenly Father puts people in our lives to help us recognize that miraculous joy, even in the darkest of times.
Merry Christmas!!
My dad passed away on the cusp of the holiday season of 1993. The way I often describe the feeling in our home and lives after my dad's death, especially the first year, is...winter. Dark, rainy, long nights, short days, wet, cold...hard. Winter. The feeling in our souls when my dad died was...winter. How would we make it through the dark? The sun felt so far away. Life was like a never-ending winter.
Lucky for us, the Peterson family, my Aunt Nancy (my mom's older sister) and Uncle Bob, invited us to Virginia to spend our first Christmas without my dad with them. They greeted us at the airport, and I'll never forget the smiles on their faces when we arrived. The two oldest cousins, Happy and Sundy, just gushed over us and hugged us, asking how we were and if we were excited for Christmas. The two younger cousins, Lacey and Paul, joyfully accepted us as well...excited for more friends. They brought the sun to our lives, melting the wintery feeling away. With their hugs, their laughter, their joy and excitement to have us there, their music and singing, their love. That Christmas was one that has been chiseled into my heart and memory. Sledding, singing at the DC temple visitor's center, belting Amy Grant lyrics in the car, playing games, touring the White House...it was magical. It brought the much-needed sunlight to our aching hearts.
The Peterson clan has been a source of sunlight for me ever since that time. I've lived with them twice in my life. One specific time, in particular, they were a godsend, and it wasn't a coincidence I was living with them when I did. I deeply struggled to maintain happiness and love for myself during that year, and they showered me with nothing but love and acceptance. They saved me.
I feel so lucky and blessed to spend Christmas with them and my family this year. It always feels like warm summer with the Petersons. Their home is filled with music and singing, Christmas decorations, And the feeling of the Savior's love. And let's not forget...goodies, lots and lots of goodies, many of which are dropped off by the multitude of friends they have acquired throughout the years of their generosity and outpouring of love to others.
My heart is seriously full this Christmas season. I truly hope I can bring as much joy to people's lives as the Peterson's have brought to mine and my family's. I'm so thankful for the joy of the Savior's birth, and how Heavenly Father puts people in our lives to help us recognize that miraculous joy, even in the darkest of times.
Merry Christmas!!
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Selfish Thankfulness
Every week of my existence comes and goes, and every week, sometimes daily, I have this waive of relief wash over me that I am not alone in this spot of life. And then I feel bad and selfish, because I know that nearly every woman my age would prefer to be married with children...so I feel bad being thankful that they're around to keep me company. But what I truly feel thankful for is that God keeps putting people in my life who are walking the same path. So at the end of a hard day, I can go to my roommate's bedroom and say, "I just took half a sleeping pill to knock myself out...but before I hit the hay, can you give me a pep talk about life?" And she totally gets it and gives me exactly the pep talk I need.
I feel like moms get each other. I see it all over facebook. Someone complains about their 3 or 4-year-old throwing a tantrum or being too clingy, and other moms comment and say, "I've been there; you're not alone!" Thing is...there's more of you moms out there than there are of us 30+ single women. I thank God, I literally thank Him, that He keeps putting women in similar phases of life in my own life so I can get some support. You just don't get it if you're not here. I don't get your stuff...you don't get mine. We all need people who understand our stuff. Everyone deserves a little understanding and empathy
I just truly hope I don't wake up at 47 and still find myself in this boat. Because honestly, I'll probably be the only one left...and that is when it will feel incredibly lonely.
Today.... Thank goodness it's over.
I feel like moms get each other. I see it all over facebook. Someone complains about their 3 or 4-year-old throwing a tantrum or being too clingy, and other moms comment and say, "I've been there; you're not alone!" Thing is...there's more of you moms out there than there are of us 30+ single women. I thank God, I literally thank Him, that He keeps putting women in similar phases of life in my own life so I can get some support. You just don't get it if you're not here. I don't get your stuff...you don't get mine. We all need people who understand our stuff. Everyone deserves a little understanding and empathy
I just truly hope I don't wake up at 47 and still find myself in this boat. Because honestly, I'll probably be the only one left...and that is when it will feel incredibly lonely.
Today.... Thank goodness it's over.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
I met a gay Mormon
Last night I met a gay Mormon.
This is not hard to do. I bet you have too. I bet you're related to one. Maybe you are one. I know several. I know several extremely well.
But the unique thing about this man I met last night is...he's a convert, of less than a year. So, this Mormon convert...you see, he came out as gay many years ago. He's had a few partners in his day. A Mormon friend of his, knowing he was a gay man with past partners, invited him to church and church activities. Over the course of a couple of years, the man gained a testimony and worked his way to baptism. Now he's working his way to the temple. This is incredible to me on multiple levels.
First of all, one size does not fit all in this scenario. I just have a hard time dealing with the phrase, "If he can do it, anyone can." Look.... To choose to live a life without companionship, love and sex...for the gospel...that's a lot to ask. And let's be clear. This is not the same as living a straight celebrate life. This is not comparable to straight people who just don't have the fortune to get married in this life. These gay Mormon individuals are basically living a life hopeless of love. Sure, there could be that one miraculous person of the opposite gender out there who they may encounter in their life time who gives them the feelings someone of their own gender does. But my goodness, the odds of that are slim. It's like saying, for an extremely straight person, that you'd have to hope for the .0007% chance that you'll find that one person of the same gender who you'll love and be attracted to. Rare, right? Can't even stomach it, right? For a straight individual, hope exists to the very end. That person can continue searching for a mate until the end of time. For a gay individual, who can't stomach the idea of sharing intimacy with someone of the opposite gender...no hope, my friends. Faith in God, but they're living with virtually no hope that they'll have earthly companionship. Take the hope our of my existence...the hope for eternal companionship NOW. Well frick...I'm not sure I want to continue life. I mean, really think about it. Really. Take hope for companionship out of the equation for a single person who WANTS marriage in this life.... That is asking A LOT. This isn't equivalent to asking someone to abstain from alcohol. This isn't the same as asking a straight person to abstain from sex before marriage. This isn't asking for 10% of their income. This is asking for 100% of their heart, their mind, their sex drive indefinitely, asking them to put all eternal and physical feelings of and desire for love, unity and family aside until the unforeseeable future. Do you get that??? DO YOU GET IT? I just don't think people do. If we did, we wouldn't be running around, causally throwing the phrases, "The church isn't saying they're bad for having gay thoughts. Just for living a gay lifestyle." GAY LIFESTYLE??? Do we have straight lifestyles??? Gay people are following the most inner workings of their heart!!! They're not merely living a "lifestyle." It's not like following a diet. It is at the core of who they are. So to choose the gospel, AFTER you've experienced love and companionship, with partners of your own sex....WOW. Just wow.
I had so much respect for this man last night. I started crying when I heard his testimony. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't believe the peace he brought to the room. He said, "Don't get me wrong...being gay and Mormon is not an easy thing. It's incredibly difficult. But I know this is the path to be on to live with God one day." Woooooooowwwwwwwww.
I don't even know how to finish this post or why I'm even writing it, except to say, the courage and faith of some people ASTOUND me. It's incredible. I wish I could be half as faithful as he.
That is all.
This is not hard to do. I bet you have too. I bet you're related to one. Maybe you are one. I know several. I know several extremely well.
But the unique thing about this man I met last night is...he's a convert, of less than a year. So, this Mormon convert...you see, he came out as gay many years ago. He's had a few partners in his day. A Mormon friend of his, knowing he was a gay man with past partners, invited him to church and church activities. Over the course of a couple of years, the man gained a testimony and worked his way to baptism. Now he's working his way to the temple. This is incredible to me on multiple levels.
First of all, one size does not fit all in this scenario. I just have a hard time dealing with the phrase, "If he can do it, anyone can." Look.... To choose to live a life without companionship, love and sex...for the gospel...that's a lot to ask. And let's be clear. This is not the same as living a straight celebrate life. This is not comparable to straight people who just don't have the fortune to get married in this life. These gay Mormon individuals are basically living a life hopeless of love. Sure, there could be that one miraculous person of the opposite gender out there who they may encounter in their life time who gives them the feelings someone of their own gender does. But my goodness, the odds of that are slim. It's like saying, for an extremely straight person, that you'd have to hope for the .0007% chance that you'll find that one person of the same gender who you'll love and be attracted to. Rare, right? Can't even stomach it, right? For a straight individual, hope exists to the very end. That person can continue searching for a mate until the end of time. For a gay individual, who can't stomach the idea of sharing intimacy with someone of the opposite gender...no hope, my friends. Faith in God, but they're living with virtually no hope that they'll have earthly companionship. Take the hope our of my existence...the hope for eternal companionship NOW. Well frick...I'm not sure I want to continue life. I mean, really think about it. Really. Take hope for companionship out of the equation for a single person who WANTS marriage in this life.... That is asking A LOT. This isn't equivalent to asking someone to abstain from alcohol. This isn't the same as asking a straight person to abstain from sex before marriage. This isn't asking for 10% of their income. This is asking for 100% of their heart, their mind, their sex drive indefinitely, asking them to put all eternal and physical feelings of and desire for love, unity and family aside until the unforeseeable future. Do you get that??? DO YOU GET IT? I just don't think people do. If we did, we wouldn't be running around, causally throwing the phrases, "The church isn't saying they're bad for having gay thoughts. Just for living a gay lifestyle." GAY LIFESTYLE??? Do we have straight lifestyles??? Gay people are following the most inner workings of their heart!!! They're not merely living a "lifestyle." It's not like following a diet. It is at the core of who they are. So to choose the gospel, AFTER you've experienced love and companionship, with partners of your own sex....WOW. Just wow.
I had so much respect for this man last night. I started crying when I heard his testimony. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't believe the peace he brought to the room. He said, "Don't get me wrong...being gay and Mormon is not an easy thing. It's incredibly difficult. But I know this is the path to be on to live with God one day." Woooooooowwwwwwwww.
I don't even know how to finish this post or why I'm even writing it, except to say, the courage and faith of some people ASTOUND me. It's incredible. I wish I could be half as faithful as he.
That is all.
Monday, November 23, 2015
Saving the world
The consistent prayer in my heart lately is, "Please, dear God, allow me to get through the holidays without having to verbally/mentally battle through political, church and relationship-status debates and heated conversation."
Anyway....
On to saving the world.
I have an extended family member from my dad's side, whom, when I talk to her, I always feel like I should be doing more to save the world. You may think this is a positive, worth-while feeling. Motivation to make the world a better place. But no.... I just feel resentful of the fact that her love and respect seem to depend upon whether I'm doing what, in her mind, is needed to save the world.
Here's the thing, guys. Sure, in my dream world I'd be out there fighting the good fight. Advocating for causes in which I believe. Paving ways. Saving starving children and rescuing women who are trafficked for sex. But guys...I'm tired. And sometimes it's a tremendous accomplishment to still breath and walk and talk and treat people in a civilized manor. The fact that I'm in the office today (on my lunch break, in case you're wondering) is a HUGE accomplishment. Because I litterally typed out the text to my boss, "I'm not feeling well today..." and planned on following that up with, "I'm staying home and I'll log on later." But, I stopped. Closed out of the text message...laid in bed and restelled a little more...and then got out of bed to get dressed. THAT WAS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT. Am I saving lives by going to work? No. But I feel a little more productive than I would have.
The other thing is, we don't know whose lives we're saving in our mundane day-to-day lives. For instance, this morning, when I was getting ready to go to work (but was still on the fence about actually going all the way until I stepped out into the frigid cold to make my way to the bus stop) one of my dear cousins called me. She left me a voicemail, because my phone was on silent... But listening to her message saved me a bit. It reminded me, even on a Monday morning, when I have to wake up alone, face the week by myself...and walk out into the cold (literally and figuratively) world, I'm on someone's mind.
So, no...I'm not actively out there holding signs, creating nonprofit groups, campaigning, or arguing my point on every Buzfeed article posted to facebook. I'm getting out of bed in the morning. I'm putting one foot in front of the other. And hopefully, I'm doing what my cousin did for me today: unknowingly blessing the lives around me with the simple things.
Anyway....
On to saving the world.
I have an extended family member from my dad's side, whom, when I talk to her, I always feel like I should be doing more to save the world. You may think this is a positive, worth-while feeling. Motivation to make the world a better place. But no.... I just feel resentful of the fact that her love and respect seem to depend upon whether I'm doing what, in her mind, is needed to save the world.
Here's the thing, guys. Sure, in my dream world I'd be out there fighting the good fight. Advocating for causes in which I believe. Paving ways. Saving starving children and rescuing women who are trafficked for sex. But guys...I'm tired. And sometimes it's a tremendous accomplishment to still breath and walk and talk and treat people in a civilized manor. The fact that I'm in the office today (on my lunch break, in case you're wondering) is a HUGE accomplishment. Because I litterally typed out the text to my boss, "I'm not feeling well today..." and planned on following that up with, "I'm staying home and I'll log on later." But, I stopped. Closed out of the text message...laid in bed and restelled a little more...and then got out of bed to get dressed. THAT WAS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT. Am I saving lives by going to work? No. But I feel a little more productive than I would have.
The other thing is, we don't know whose lives we're saving in our mundane day-to-day lives. For instance, this morning, when I was getting ready to go to work (but was still on the fence about actually going all the way until I stepped out into the frigid cold to make my way to the bus stop) one of my dear cousins called me. She left me a voicemail, because my phone was on silent... But listening to her message saved me a bit. It reminded me, even on a Monday morning, when I have to wake up alone, face the week by myself...and walk out into the cold (literally and figuratively) world, I'm on someone's mind.
So, no...I'm not actively out there holding signs, creating nonprofit groups, campaigning, or arguing my point on every Buzfeed article posted to facebook. I'm getting out of bed in the morning. I'm putting one foot in front of the other. And hopefully, I'm doing what my cousin did for me today: unknowingly blessing the lives around me with the simple things.
Monday, November 16, 2015
I will not settle
I interrupt this work day to bring you this message for which I feel very strongly.
I will not settle on an eternal companion.
I'm mostly writing this in Internet land so that my brain and heart can feel at peace with my decisions.
Just because someone is a nice guy, and I have fun with him, does not mean an eternal companion he must become. If a man has food on his shirt on our third date (and we did not eat together)...and spends much of his time talking about the attractiveness scale from 1-10 and how he feels bad for nice people who are a 3 on the scale and will never find a mate because of their placement on the scale, I do not need to feel guilty about my lack of enthusiasm for a 4th date.
If a man can't connect with me, even on a basic level of friendship...if I have to convince myself that I enjoy spending time with him...and he doesn't even measure up to my experiences with my platonic friendships...I do not need to feel guilty, nor do I need to feel like I am too picky. Yes, I'm almost 31. But I am not single of my own choosing. I will not settle for something less than I deserve. And I deserve connection. I deserve respect. I deserve to feel mentally, emotionally and physically safe.
Message over. Back to work I go.
I will not settle on an eternal companion.
I'm mostly writing this in Internet land so that my brain and heart can feel at peace with my decisions.
Just because someone is a nice guy, and I have fun with him, does not mean an eternal companion he must become. If a man has food on his shirt on our third date (and we did not eat together)...and spends much of his time talking about the attractiveness scale from 1-10 and how he feels bad for nice people who are a 3 on the scale and will never find a mate because of their placement on the scale, I do not need to feel guilty about my lack of enthusiasm for a 4th date.
If a man can't connect with me, even on a basic level of friendship...if I have to convince myself that I enjoy spending time with him...and he doesn't even measure up to my experiences with my platonic friendships...I do not need to feel guilty, nor do I need to feel like I am too picky. Yes, I'm almost 31. But I am not single of my own choosing. I will not settle for something less than I deserve. And I deserve connection. I deserve respect. I deserve to feel mentally, emotionally and physically safe.
Message over. Back to work I go.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
This feels familiar
This has happened to me so many times in my life...you'd think I'd get numb to the feeling. I made a dear friend in my current roommate, she's moving away, and I'm grieving the loss. I'm trying not to grieve prematurely, because she's not gone yet, but every time the subject of us moving out of our apartment is discussed, or her progress in the job hunt outside of this state is brought up...a little part of my heart hurts.
'Get over it' I tell myself. 'It's no biggie; you'll stay friends.' But it is a biggie. We will stay friends, but it will not be the same. And I'm tired of having to get over THIS scenario over and over again.
I have grown attached to so many people over the years...and then had to mourne the loss for one reason or another. Most of the time...marriage. Sometimes it's just a fork in the road and we choose different paths, which is what is happening now. She's tired of living in Seattle. I am not. Fork. Different directions.
It just gets tiring. This is why people get married. Well, one of the many reasons. Stabity, constant companionship, a forever someone. Sometimes I start to get comfortable in my make-shift family of friends and think, "Eh...what's the big deal? Who needs marriage and family?" And then my make-shift family falls apart...to progress or make their own REAL families...and I'm reminded, "Ahhhh, yes. Marriage and family is good. And I'm tired of being alone."
The upside of going through this so often is the fact that I have made so many DARN GOOD friends over the years. Buuuuuuut, I'm ready for some stability for my heart. Not to mentiom, just some physical stability. I have lived in a new place/apartment/house every year to year and a half over the past 12 years. I have not stayed in the same place longer than a year and a half! Tired. Tired of it.
My heart is ready to rest. It's ready to settle. It's ready for companionship that will last through the eternities. This is me being vulnerable. Internet world, I'M READY. Is anybody listenting?
:)
Goodnight.
'Get over it' I tell myself. 'It's no biggie; you'll stay friends.' But it is a biggie. We will stay friends, but it will not be the same. And I'm tired of having to get over THIS scenario over and over again.
I have grown attached to so many people over the years...and then had to mourne the loss for one reason or another. Most of the time...marriage. Sometimes it's just a fork in the road and we choose different paths, which is what is happening now. She's tired of living in Seattle. I am not. Fork. Different directions.
It just gets tiring. This is why people get married. Well, one of the many reasons. Stabity, constant companionship, a forever someone. Sometimes I start to get comfortable in my make-shift family of friends and think, "Eh...what's the big deal? Who needs marriage and family?" And then my make-shift family falls apart...to progress or make their own REAL families...and I'm reminded, "Ahhhh, yes. Marriage and family is good. And I'm tired of being alone."
The upside of going through this so often is the fact that I have made so many DARN GOOD friends over the years. Buuuuuuut, I'm ready for some stability for my heart. Not to mentiom, just some physical stability. I have lived in a new place/apartment/house every year to year and a half over the past 12 years. I have not stayed in the same place longer than a year and a half! Tired. Tired of it.
My heart is ready to rest. It's ready to settle. It's ready for companionship that will last through the eternities. This is me being vulnerable. Internet world, I'M READY. Is anybody listenting?
:)
Goodnight.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Cryptic
Alanis Morissette's song "Hands Clean" perfectly depicts one of the most rewardingly torturous relationships of my life. This song literally plays out every aspect. You can find its meaning here: http://songmeanings.com/m/songs/view/51576/
Over half a decade later, I'm finally starting to come to terms. This is a pretty cryptic post. I suppose I'll include it in my memoirs one day...or turn the entire story into a novel of its own. But for now, I'm only ready for cryptic verbiage and representation through a song.
We learn from our experiences...and for that, I do not regret the relationship. But I never wish to experience it again.
You can hear/watch the song here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dH289KxkGw&sns=em
Over half a decade later, I'm finally starting to come to terms. This is a pretty cryptic post. I suppose I'll include it in my memoirs one day...or turn the entire story into a novel of its own. But for now, I'm only ready for cryptic verbiage and representation through a song.
We learn from our experiences...and for that, I do not regret the relationship. But I never wish to experience it again.
You can hear/watch the song here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dH289KxkGw&sns=em
Friday, February 13, 2015
Are We Not All Beggars?
As I was walking to my bus stop a few moments ago, I came across a man sitting on the pavement in a crevice of a building, knees pulled up to his chest, arms folded over his knees, and his head buried in his arms. The sign he held was different from the average variations of "Anything helps" signs I see scattered through downtown. Etched on a small, worn, spiral notebook in blue ink, were the words, "I feel invisible.... I just need a little help." I continued walking...as Carry Underwood's "Something In the Water" streamed loudly through my headphones into my ears "Now I'm singing along to Amazing Grace...got joy in my heart, angels on my side....I am changed...now I'm stronger...there must be something in the water." As I got further and further away from him, trying to ignore the image of this invisible man in my mind, with thoughts like, "If I give every homeless person in Seattle money, I'll go broke" running through my head, the personalized nature of his plea, along with the lyrics of the song that was blasting in my ears, finally stopped me in my tracks and reminded me what the heck this life is all about. Extending mercy. Showing compassion. Living what you profess to believe. I turned around and walked up to the man. I spoke to him, and he did not look up. I tapped him, and it still took him a moment to register that someone was talking to him. We exchanged a long look of mutual respect and compassion, I gave him two dollars, and I walked away. I seriously don't know the answer to homelessness. I've done tons of research on the causes...war vets, mental illness, domestic violence, addiction, disputes between children and parents, foster children, job loss, and the list goes on. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. But ignoring it won't make it go away. And maybe...treating these people like actual people is a start to ending it. Like Elder Holland reminded me in the last LDS General Conference, are we not all beggars? It doesn't matter how they got there. Sometimes hardship is handed to me...sometimes I bring it on myself...and in both scenarios, I beg my Savior for relief, and He gives it to me. Every time. These people need some freaking relief. I'm going to do my best to give them some by SEEING them and recognizing them as my brothers and sisters in Christ.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Latest Obsession
I've had this song streaming through my ears on repeat for the last two weeks. Haven't gotten sick of it yet. Call me dramatic, but it speaks to me.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Never mind...
There's a fine line between good, raw, real pure heart-breaking writing...and self indulgent, woe-is-me, pitiful writing. My last post felt closer to the latter. So I removed it. Not before a couple people read it, but soon enough.
Instead of leaving it posted, I reached out to my cousin for a listening ear. The post was about loneliness. This was my cousin's response.
"That's when the Savior's life was the hardest, when He felt alone. When His Father removed His Comforter. Being and feeling alone is the worst feeling in all of humanity, even for Christ."
That quote is why I love Sundy Lynn. She has an empathetic heart. And she draws from the Spirit when comforting. This was the absolute best thing I could have heard/read while I was in the depths of loneliness. She reminded me that the Savior knows EXACTLY how I feel, and He recognizes the excruciating pain loneliness can bring at times.
So, instead of posting about my grief and sorrows, I want to post about my gratitude. Gratitude for the Savior and His Atoning sacrifice. His healing hand. His understanding heart. His forever guidance. His constant companionship. I love Him.
Gratitude for the people God puts in my path. For a roommate who calls to check up on me, listens to me cry, and then says, "Crys, I hope you're prepared to stay up until 1:00 a.m. because there's a movie we HAVE to watch right now. It will make you feel better." And it does.
For a bishop who cares. Who takes the time to know YOU. To text you on your birthday, and pull you aside in the hall to tell you he's thankful you're in the ward.
For good friends. Smart friends. To be surrounded by compassionate, intelligent people. For friends who live on the floor above mine, and I can just take my work laptop up there with me, plop on their couch and watch a movie while working, with people who care.
For a family who loves me. A mom who understands me. And when she doesn't, she works really hard to see things from my perspective. For a brother, sister and brother-in-law I feel close to. Where memories run deep for all of us. A step-family I couldn't imagine my life without. Older siblings who act excited to see me. Nieces and nephews who love me and want to be around me.
A good, solid job. Coworkers who lift me up instead of tear me down.
A cute, cozy, safe two-bedroom apartment. A beautiful city. Cheaper public transportation. A car that works.
Life is good. Hard at times. But definitely good. And I have much to be thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Instead of leaving it posted, I reached out to my cousin for a listening ear. The post was about loneliness. This was my cousin's response.
"That's when the Savior's life was the hardest, when He felt alone. When His Father removed His Comforter. Being and feeling alone is the worst feeling in all of humanity, even for Christ."
That quote is why I love Sundy Lynn. She has an empathetic heart. And she draws from the Spirit when comforting. This was the absolute best thing I could have heard/read while I was in the depths of loneliness. She reminded me that the Savior knows EXACTLY how I feel, and He recognizes the excruciating pain loneliness can bring at times.
So, instead of posting about my grief and sorrows, I want to post about my gratitude. Gratitude for the Savior and His Atoning sacrifice. His healing hand. His understanding heart. His forever guidance. His constant companionship. I love Him.
Gratitude for the people God puts in my path. For a roommate who calls to check up on me, listens to me cry, and then says, "Crys, I hope you're prepared to stay up until 1:00 a.m. because there's a movie we HAVE to watch right now. It will make you feel better." And it does.
For a bishop who cares. Who takes the time to know YOU. To text you on your birthday, and pull you aside in the hall to tell you he's thankful you're in the ward.
For good friends. Smart friends. To be surrounded by compassionate, intelligent people. For friends who live on the floor above mine, and I can just take my work laptop up there with me, plop on their couch and watch a movie while working, with people who care.
For a family who loves me. A mom who understands me. And when she doesn't, she works really hard to see things from my perspective. For a brother, sister and brother-in-law I feel close to. Where memories run deep for all of us. A step-family I couldn't imagine my life without. Older siblings who act excited to see me. Nieces and nephews who love me and want to be around me.
A good, solid job. Coworkers who lift me up instead of tear me down.
A cute, cozy, safe two-bedroom apartment. A beautiful city. Cheaper public transportation. A car that works.
Life is good. Hard at times. But definitely good. And I have much to be thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Dear Seattle...Thank you.
I passed my two-year mark of living in Seattle about a month ago. Sometimes I feel like, aside from my mission, moving to Seattle was the best decision I've ever made in my life. This is where I've "grown up" and learned to love myself. I've been presented with fabulous work and career-growth opportunities. My Seattle friends are some of the best people around...incredibly intelligent, wise, well-rounded, warm, accepting and kind. And the vibe of Seattle fits my personality so well. It's a hard-working city, but easy going. A driven city, but not extremely competitive. I belong here.
In contrast to the decision to serve an 18-month mission for my church, I did not pray much about the move. I just felt in my heart and soul that it was THE choice to make. I knew before even uttering a prayer, which is honestly how the Spirit often moves me. Some people thought I was crazy to leave Georgetown and a Communication job in D.C. in order to move to Seattle without a job lined up and no friends at all. But nope. I'm so grateful for the agency God gives us, along with the choices and opportunities to take giant leaps of faith. And God has been with me every step of the way. So I thank God, and I thank Seattle. I'm happier and more fulfilled than I have been in a looong time.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Meet the strong, single, career-driven female Mormon
Where was that in the movie?
Okay okay, "Meet the Mormons" was a great movie. It really was. It inspired me on many levels, and kind of left me with a feeling of admiration for people of all faiths and cultures, honestly. Obviously every Latter-day Saint story can't be represented in a 78-minute documentary. But they did clearly stay away from the more controversial lifestyles that do exist within the church. I'll skip discussing some obvious controversial Mormon lifestyles, and I'll just stick to the category I find myself in at the moment.
While watching that movie I sadly couldn't help but feel a little left out of the club. Again, I will say that the movie was beautifully made, well-rounded culturally wise, inspirational and did move me to tears. But the honest truth is, I felt a little left out...and walked away with a "wanting" feeling. This church is focused on families. That movie was focused on families. Sure, a what-seemed-to-be strong female career woman opened and closed the film, but we don't know her background...and her story was not told.
I'm truthfully not trying to be controversial. Again, I realize every Latter-day Saint's story cannot be portrayed. But these are my feelings and thoughts...this is my blog...so, I'm sharing.
I have spent the better part of the last two years doing ALL in my power to follow the counsel of the brethren and find an eternal companion. It's not like I haven't tried in years past, but I have been very actively putting my time and energy into fulfilling one of the biggest, if not THE biggest commandments ever given. Go to church...it's centered on marriage and family. Go to the temple...it's centered on marriage and family. I'm ready to fit in, eternally progress, and start experiencing my God-given divine role as a wife and mother. Not to mention, I'm ready to have companionship in this lonely, cold, tiring world in which we've been placed.
Since moving to Seattle I have physically dated two non-Mormon men and three Mormon men. I have conversed with at length, through online dating, at least four or more Mormon men. I have attended game nights, parties, FHEs and whatever other awful YSA social gatherings you can think of. And still, here I am, the strong, capable, very single, career-focused Latter-day Saint woman writing this blog post.
This last year brought high hopes. It started off with me meeting an LDS man online, hitting it off very well through emails and phone conversation...and then weeks of dating semi-long distance (we lived 3 hours apart). Needless to say, it didn't work out. We wanted it to, but it just didn't fit...and believe me, you can't force something that doesn't fit. And I swear if I hear "Any two worthy LDS people can make a marriage work" one more time, I'm going to take a fork and jam it in my ear. Easy for you to say when you found the love of your life at age 18 or 21. While we're on the topic of jamming forks in our ears...please don't let me hear the words "Gosh, live it up while you can. You're only single once" come out of your mouth. That, too, is VERY easy to say when you only had a couple short years to wonder if you'd spend the rest of your life alone. Anyway...
Then I dated a man who I really started to see possibility with... We dated for a few months, but due to reasons I don't feel at liberty to discuss in this forum, the relationship ended...pretty recently.
I am single. Not for lack of trying. Not for lack of wanting. Not for lack of faith. But because it is the plan God has for me right now in this time of my life. And I'm doing my very best to keep it together, to enjoy life, to progress, to remain selfless, and to find the proper balance of not obsessing over something that I clearly cannot control but taking the proper action steps of faith to show God my desires.
So, here I sit, pondering the movie I just saw. Loving it for the truth it brought...but wishing I was represented. I've lived my life decently righteously. I've dotted my I's and crossed my T's. And not necessarily to gain anything. I live the Gospel because I believe it, I love it, I feel it. But sometimes I do wish that I fit in better. I wish I had a more firm place. I wish my voice was heard a bit more. Not just as a single woman who believes and has faith one day she'll get married and have children...but the voice of a single woman who knows she may never get married and have children, but still finds belonging, still finds purpose, still finds love and still finds acceptance. I know it's there, but open, public support is sure nice to receive sometimes.
So there's that for honesty. I love this Gospel and I love this church. And I only hope that we can all continue to reach out beyond our own personal little bubbles and appreciate the unique strengths we all can bring to the church table.
Okay okay, "Meet the Mormons" was a great movie. It really was. It inspired me on many levels, and kind of left me with a feeling of admiration for people of all faiths and cultures, honestly. Obviously every Latter-day Saint story can't be represented in a 78-minute documentary. But they did clearly stay away from the more controversial lifestyles that do exist within the church. I'll skip discussing some obvious controversial Mormon lifestyles, and I'll just stick to the category I find myself in at the moment.
While watching that movie I sadly couldn't help but feel a little left out of the club. Again, I will say that the movie was beautifully made, well-rounded culturally wise, inspirational and did move me to tears. But the honest truth is, I felt a little left out...and walked away with a "wanting" feeling. This church is focused on families. That movie was focused on families. Sure, a what-seemed-to-be strong female career woman opened and closed the film, but we don't know her background...and her story was not told.
I'm truthfully not trying to be controversial. Again, I realize every Latter-day Saint's story cannot be portrayed. But these are my feelings and thoughts...this is my blog...so, I'm sharing.
I have spent the better part of the last two years doing ALL in my power to follow the counsel of the brethren and find an eternal companion. It's not like I haven't tried in years past, but I have been very actively putting my time and energy into fulfilling one of the biggest, if not THE biggest commandments ever given. Go to church...it's centered on marriage and family. Go to the temple...it's centered on marriage and family. I'm ready to fit in, eternally progress, and start experiencing my God-given divine role as a wife and mother. Not to mention, I'm ready to have companionship in this lonely, cold, tiring world in which we've been placed.
Since moving to Seattle I have physically dated two non-Mormon men and three Mormon men. I have conversed with at length, through online dating, at least four or more Mormon men. I have attended game nights, parties, FHEs and whatever other awful YSA social gatherings you can think of. And still, here I am, the strong, capable, very single, career-focused Latter-day Saint woman writing this blog post.
This last year brought high hopes. It started off with me meeting an LDS man online, hitting it off very well through emails and phone conversation...and then weeks of dating semi-long distance (we lived 3 hours apart). Needless to say, it didn't work out. We wanted it to, but it just didn't fit...and believe me, you can't force something that doesn't fit. And I swear if I hear "Any two worthy LDS people can make a marriage work" one more time, I'm going to take a fork and jam it in my ear. Easy for you to say when you found the love of your life at age 18 or 21. While we're on the topic of jamming forks in our ears...please don't let me hear the words "Gosh, live it up while you can. You're only single once" come out of your mouth. That, too, is VERY easy to say when you only had a couple short years to wonder if you'd spend the rest of your life alone. Anyway...
Then I dated a man who I really started to see possibility with... We dated for a few months, but due to reasons I don't feel at liberty to discuss in this forum, the relationship ended...pretty recently.
I am single. Not for lack of trying. Not for lack of wanting. Not for lack of faith. But because it is the plan God has for me right now in this time of my life. And I'm doing my very best to keep it together, to enjoy life, to progress, to remain selfless, and to find the proper balance of not obsessing over something that I clearly cannot control but taking the proper action steps of faith to show God my desires.
So, here I sit, pondering the movie I just saw. Loving it for the truth it brought...but wishing I was represented. I've lived my life decently righteously. I've dotted my I's and crossed my T's. And not necessarily to gain anything. I live the Gospel because I believe it, I love it, I feel it. But sometimes I do wish that I fit in better. I wish I had a more firm place. I wish my voice was heard a bit more. Not just as a single woman who believes and has faith one day she'll get married and have children...but the voice of a single woman who knows she may never get married and have children, but still finds belonging, still finds purpose, still finds love and still finds acceptance. I know it's there, but open, public support is sure nice to receive sometimes.
So there's that for honesty. I love this Gospel and I love this church. And I only hope that we can all continue to reach out beyond our own personal little bubbles and appreciate the unique strengths we all can bring to the church table.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
A New Set of Problems
I'm not naive. I realize a new life would only bring new problems. But I'm ready for a change of pace. Different problems.
I have so much to think about right now. Do I want to continue on down the HR career path? Or do I want to make a drastic change? Apply for Teach for America? Go to Grad School for Social Work or Counseling? Decisions decisions. It ultimately comes down to A) Do I want to make lots of money in a job I don't care much about? Or B) Make little to no money in a job that would make me feel alive?
I've been kinda, sorta, maybe seeing someone for the past few months. That, in and of itself, is a complicated mess. Maybe not the relationship itself, but my feelings, emotions, insecurities, and indecisiveness. Things are progressing reaaaallllyyyy slowly. Partly my doing, partly his. I'm not ready to share much about my relationship with him, because there are a lot of variables involved...that typically are not present when you commit to a relationship in your early 20s. I am in my 30th year of life. Dating means something different...and often comes with more decisions than when you're 20. Maybe you're picking up what I'm putting down. Or maybe I'm being too vague. I'm not sure what I'd prefer. Anyway...my brain is overwhelmed.
This summer had brought so much hardship. Close family friend died suddenly, drowned in a reservoir. Heart-wrenching, to say the least. I've been homeless for the last month. No fun. Couch surfing...no consistency. I threw my back out about a month ago, still not healed. My car was broken into and expensive valuables were stolen from my trunk. I don't feel like explaining why they were in my trunk...but it was a fluke occurrence. I'm tired. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.
I'm ready for a new life. A new direction. A new path. Can someone spin me really hard and see which way I point?
I have so much to think about right now. Do I want to continue on down the HR career path? Or do I want to make a drastic change? Apply for Teach for America? Go to Grad School for Social Work or Counseling? Decisions decisions. It ultimately comes down to A) Do I want to make lots of money in a job I don't care much about? Or B) Make little to no money in a job that would make me feel alive?
I've been kinda, sorta, maybe seeing someone for the past few months. That, in and of itself, is a complicated mess. Maybe not the relationship itself, but my feelings, emotions, insecurities, and indecisiveness. Things are progressing reaaaallllyyyy slowly. Partly my doing, partly his. I'm not ready to share much about my relationship with him, because there are a lot of variables involved...that typically are not present when you commit to a relationship in your early 20s. I am in my 30th year of life. Dating means something different...and often comes with more decisions than when you're 20. Maybe you're picking up what I'm putting down. Or maybe I'm being too vague. I'm not sure what I'd prefer. Anyway...my brain is overwhelmed.
This summer had brought so much hardship. Close family friend died suddenly, drowned in a reservoir. Heart-wrenching, to say the least. I've been homeless for the last month. No fun. Couch surfing...no consistency. I threw my back out about a month ago, still not healed. My car was broken into and expensive valuables were stolen from my trunk. I don't feel like explaining why they were in my trunk...but it was a fluke occurrence. I'm tired. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.
I'm ready for a new life. A new direction. A new path. Can someone spin me really hard and see which way I point?
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