Sometimes there are just no words

I was given permission by Sundy to write my own thoughts about the following. But some things are too sacred. Some are too heart-breaking. Some are too hard. Some are just too overwhelming. Some things in this life just can't be summed up in words...answered in words...consoled with words...or understood through words. This is especially hard for me...someone who has centered her life on words.

So, I've been sitting on this blog post for a while. I've wanted to write it to express my sadness. To contribute my own heart-ache to the much bigger heart-ache felt by the two people with me in this picture. But again, I'm very limited in my words.

Sundy and Tyler...honestly two of my favorite people. Sundy is my cousin...much more like a sister. We've been through the roughest of the rough together...and had some of the happiest of times together. No matter what we go through, we've remained close friends, and I love her for it. For her caring heart, her guidance, her patience and her love. Tyler is Sundy's husband. He's sincere, honest, kind-hearted and has accepted me into his life whole-heartedly. I consider him a very close friend.

They have been married since the summer I got home from my mission...I believe June 2008, and they've wanted children from the very beginning.

Their first baby's life ended at 14 weeks. I won't go into details, but I will just say it was a pretty traumatic miscarriage. I lived close to them when it happened, and I remember the deep sadness I felt and the helplessness I felt due to my lack of understanding.

They tried for a long while for a second baby. They finally got it. This time around fear was running deep. But, the 14 week mark passed. And the 15th. And the 16th. And the 17th. And they were safe. Tyler was finally accepted to med school (it's about time...he's a flippin' genius...and I'm seriously NOT exaggerating) and they were pregnant. They could breath. They'd find out the sex of their second child at 18 weeks. Things were good...great. Clouds were clearing and the sun was shining.

Three days before they were to find out their baby's sex, Sundy's water broke. At 18 weeks. They lost their baby. Their perfectly formed baby boy. They named him Truman.

I know a woman who gave birth to triplets at 21 weeks, and they survived. Truman was close...so close. But God has other plans, I suppose.

To say I'm upset is an understatement. Again, while I have used many words to explain what happened, I really have no words to express my feelings about it. It's heart-breaking. Emotional. Sad. Unfair. Confusing. I've decided these feelings are fair. We don't always need to immediately jump to the "It's okay...the Atonement is real" thoughts. Because even though I know the Atonement is real and can heal, it hurts. It hurts and it's hard and it sucks and it's painful. So right now...those are my words. Emotional. Sad. Unfair. Confusing. Sucky. Hard. Heart-breaking.

I love Sundy and Tyler. Lots and lots.

I downloaded Daughtry's latest album this morning, and while at work I listened to this song for the first time. I strained every muscle in my body to keep myself from bawling, thinking about Sundy and Tyler's two silently born children, Sterling and Truman. This is my contribution to the grieving.