The Biggest Loser

I'm writing from the bus again.

Well, it's finally happened. I finally no longer feel the need to publish every thought in my head. Because I've gotten rid of Facebook, I've had more time to think, ponder, strengthen relationships with people physically present in my life (because I share my thoughts with them and we can have a legit conversation about it) and I read so much more! I thought I'd just blog more with the lack of Facebook, but blogging takes time...and time is so hard to come by these days.

I worked a 10.5 - day today with no lunch break. My 10-day vacation in New Zealand can't come soon enough. And oh wait, I leave this Saturday!!! Sheri (the friend with whom I'm going) has been sending me a count down for the last couple weeks. We're like 3 days away, people! Cray-zay! I just finished shopping at the downtown Target...where I bought a new backpack and travel stuff. I'm excited. :)

I've been doing online dating. Just like blogging...I tend to avoid it because it takes time and brain power. But I don't regret the choice to do it. I'm talking full-blown, paid-for LDS online dating. If anything, it's at least helping me realize I'm not totally repulsive to decent Mormon men. I was starting to wonder.... I dated last year...but the two men I dated were not Mormon.

I hate the show The Biggest Loser. HATE it. I've tried watching it before and it makes me feel sick...literally sick to my stomach. And uncomfortable. And depressed. And sad. Human beings are put on display in front of millions of people (akin to zoo animals), tortured and forced to do crazy things (akin to circus animals) and we call it inspiring. They are real people with real lives. The show is unhealthy, unrealistic, and irresponsible. I've always hated the show, because it's basically treating human beings like lab rats, and causes weight biases. But I definitely hate the show now after the controversy of the last winner. We call her too fat...and then we call her too skinny. Who are we anyway? No matter what the size of the contestant, those tactics are unhealthy and will never last long term. America wants everything fast and magical. It's ridiculous to think you can fix a problem with the same problem (ie. fast food and pre-packaged crap with over training and obsessively counting calories...replacing fast with fast...magic with magic). These things take time. The brain needs time to catch up to the physicality of it all...or THEY WILL FAIL and revert...or go too far the opposite direction.

End rant.

Life is good. Hope y'all's lives are good too. :)

Nashville

So, I got into the show "Nashville" last year. It's in its second season. The musical talent on that show is unbelievable. Seriously. Just look up Lennon and Maisy Stella (they're sisters) on YouTube. Or Sam Palladio and Clare Bowen singing "Fade Into You." My word...talent. I love that this show creates and produces its own music, and that all the stars sing all their own songs.

Anyway....

This song was on an episode two weeks ago...and I'm obsessed. I can't wait until I can get a clean version (without the dramatic scenes and talking in between). :) Love it.


 

12th Man Unite!!!

The latest haps, brought to you from route 77

I never want to take the time to blog when I'm at home. By the time I work my overtime, hit the gym and bus home...all I want to do is cook my dinner, watch some YouTube clips and hit the sack. Or chat with the roommies. Or do some random church activity, which seem to be filling all my evenings lately.

So, I'm blogging on the bus.

We're about a month into the year. I'm making progress on ny desires. I'm not sure I can remember them all off the top of my head. But, I've remained deactivated from Facebook...and oh, how sweet it feels. We're getting closer to NZ. I've tried to call someone I love every week. I was finally called to schedule an interview with Big Brothers Big Sisters...so I'm hoping that works out, which would be a 12-month commitment, not just 4 months like my goal. I'm backup for a Ragnar team if anyone drops out. Switched which half I plan to run, haven't signed up yet though. I finished a biography and am on my second. I've attended the temple this month. Is that 8? I think those are all my desires for 2014, and I'm doing well...one day at a time. :) I guess they're not all my desires...but the majority of the ones I can control. :)

Life has had its ups and downs this month...as always. I've been reminded that no matter how hard I try to make a make-shift family, nothing will be as stable as finding an eternal companion and starting my own. However, I'm still very thankful for all the wonderful people God continually puts in my life.

And...that's it for this morning. From bus route 77 into downtown Seattle, this is Crystal Noel, signing off. :) Happy day, everyone.

No more Facebook...bring on 2014!

Well friends, I took the plunge. I've deactivated my Facebook account, and I'm not sure when I'll be back. Maybe in a couple weeks. Maybe in a month. Maybe in a year. Probably a month.... :)

Something about it was making me tired. It's overwhelming. I'm tired of viewing things everyone wants everyone to see. I'm also tired of the fact that I truly believe it's ruining sincere communication. I feel like people don't call me/answer my calls because they already know what's going on in my life through Facebook.... It's much easier to hide behind a screen and say mean and/or nice things to people. I'm just tired of the half-hearted, passive way of giving people approval or rejection. And...I'm also tired of texting being people's main form of communication. I'm guilty of it. But I'm tired of it.

So, quitting Facebook for a little while leads me into.....

2014 DESIRES

1) To run a half marathon
2) To stay off Facebook for at least a month
3) To call someone I love once a week (and not just the same person every week)
4) To travel outside of the country (not a 'walk across the boarder' type of thing)
5) To attend the temple monthly
6) To ***POSSIBLY*** run Ragnar (something akin to "Hood to Coast" for those of you familiar with that)
7) To read 5 biographies/creative nonfiction books
8) To find a nonprofit at which I can volunteer and stick with it consistently for at least 4 months out of the year

I think all these desires are worthy of becoming reality.

1--I've already got picked out. I haven't signed up yet, because I've been subjecting myself to staying on a very tight budget due to a forthcoming trip I'm taking, but I will sign up in the next month or two.

2--I've started the Facebook one. Maybe I'll knock this one out this first month of the year. :)

3--I'm hoping this one won't be too difficult. I'm also hoping it causes me to call people I miss because I'm not longer on facebook. I want to rekindle real connections with some of the people of my past.

4--This one is booked. New Zealand in March. I originally made this a "before I turn 30" goal, which coincidentally fits right along with my 2014 desires...since I turn 30 at the end of 2014.

5--Attending the temple monthly has been a desire/goal of mine for so long now, but I'm starting to really give it the effort it's deserved from me since being endowed. I haven't missed a month for the past few months, and I think I can keep it up. If I do miss a month or two in 2014, I know I'll at least improve vastly from my past track record. And that is thanks to the angels God is surrounding me with right now.

6--This one...I'm not making any promises to myself about. I JUST started thinking about this...as in, TODAY was the first day I even allowed my brain to entertain the idea. So, if anything, 2014 will at least be the year I start to mentally prepare to be a part of this type of race. BUT, who says it can't be the year I actually participate? We'll see. Ragnar is just a month after the half marathon I'll be running...so, I'm not sure how hard I want to push my body in that type of way. While I love running, I don't necessarily believe it's the best source of constant exercise. It's like having a giant lift me up and continually slam me to the ground over and over and over again. BUT, I enjoy it and there are benefits. And I feel extremely accomplished when I'm finished with a race.

7--I'm just really into learning about real things and real people's life experiences. This should be a simple one to achieve.

8--I've dabbled in nonprofits in the past. I'm on the waiting list for a program right now. But, I really want to get my hands dirty and lose my heart and soul in a good cause. This may be one of the hardest ones to turn into reality, but if I'm serious about returning to school in a specific field (that I'll talk about at a later time), I really need to start consistently volunteering.

So, there you have it. Bring on 2014! Bring on the last year in my 20s! Bring on life!

Creating A Family

Hi friends.

It's really hard for me to put into words the hardship of this stage in my life. It seems that, whenever I try to explain it to people, I only get confused looks and "yeah...buts." (Although, there are a few out there, while not in my position, have very graciously taken the time to put themselves in my shoes and have shown sincere empathy.) I can only assume that most people who look at my life view it as perfect, easy breezy, fun, adventure-filled, care-free...so on and so forth. And, admittedly, it is some of those things some of the time. Possibly all of those things some of the time...well, all but perfect. I thoroughly enjoy my life 85% of the time. I really do. But, enjoying my life does not come easy...although it may look easy. Just ask the many MANY bitter, hard-hearted, young-to-mid-single LDS adults out there. If you don't know many LDS mid-singles...I do. And let me tell you, it takes WORK. Major WORK to remain focused, happy, progressing and satisfied with life. A big chunk of them leave the church during this time...due to frustration, impatience, fears, loneliness, insecurities...that all seem to be magnified while you're waiting around to be chosen by an eternal companion...to start the life you've been taught your whole life you should be living. In fact, I know a good handful who have left the church just in the last year since moving to Seattle.

There are consistent fears hovering over me 24/7...fears that I know other singles feel, and fears I continue to put major effort into pushing out of my mind and heart. These fears include "I'm not, and never will, fulfill my divine potential." "How do I keep from becoming consumed with pride and selfishness without being a mother...a sacred role that forces selflessness?" "If I were to die, no one would miss me after two weeks. I'm nobody's constant somebody' like wives and mothers are." "Am I changing anyone's life for the better?" "I'm not worthy of motherhood." "I don't belong anywhere...I'm a misfit that the church...my family...EVERYONE doesn't know what to do with." My step-sister, Jonna, who didn't get married until she was 36 says it best with this line, "My constant prayer to God while I was single and alone was this: 'Please...just don't forget about me. Please God...don't forget I'm here."

Believe me, I am very aware that women out there who are wives and mothers have a few of these same fears...plus different fears...and I'm also very aware that it takes major WORK for EVERYONE, no matter the stage of life, to enjoy life. Some times are easier than others for everyone. 

All I'm saying is...well. I don't know. I guess I'm saying that it's hard for my "kind" too, and it's nice when people acknowledge that. But, I guess the most important thing to remember is that God acknowledges it...He knows all of our hardships and struggles, no matter what stage of life we're in.

The past 6 months have brought me a lot of joy. Mostly because of the effort I've put into remaining happy, coupled with the Lord's help. I remember last year around this time, pleading with God that He'd help me have the desire to get close to people. That He'd bless me with the desire to participate in activities, make friends and feel a sense of 'belonging.' I kept it on the DL, but my experience in my first house in Seattle was less than pleasant. It wasn't necessarily one person's fault, but there were very different priorities and ideas of what "the pursuit of happiness" means...and while there was a lot of love in my heart for the home and the people in the home, my soul went through constant turmoil and struggle. Due to my inner-turmoil, it was hard for me to reach out to anyone. As I touched on in my last post, I really did have a chip on my shoulder. But, I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed some more.

Here's what happened. After constant prayer (both verbally, and the desires of my heart) and consistent effort, God blessed me with a "family." A family of singles who truly understand me and my struggles, need me, appreciate me, and care about me. He guided me to a new home...with one old and a couple new roommates. He gave me a calling that would stretch me and make me social. He put people in my path. He tugged at other people's hearts to help them make an effort with me. He gave me a "family."

I would sit here and write about each person who's touched my life here in Seattle...each person who's become a part of my "family," but I'm realizing it will take too much time. I've made bonds in the past several months that I know will never be broken. God has led me directly into these individuals' lives...and them into mine. We all feel it. It's not a coincidence that we're here, helping each other progress and be better. I've attended the temple more in the past few months than I have in years previous. Why? Because of the righteous influence of the people around me. I'm a better visiting teacher. I'm putting more effort into my calling because of the influence of others. We're all trying. And we'll be darned if we let each other fall through the cracks.

God won't let us fall through the cracks. It does take effort from us. It really does. But He loves us, and He won't forget about us. He doesn't want to lose us.

Here's a few pictures documenting experiences with my "family." :)

Katie and I at the Seahawks game.

Katie and I hiking...in humid weather...as you can tell by my hair. ;)

Callie always goes ALL OUT for Halloween. I don't have enough pics with her, but we're good buds. :)

Sheri and I touching a jellyfish. We're going to New Zealand together!

Friendsgiving!

More Friendsgiving. :)

Katie and Marybeth are some of the greatest roommates.

Left to right: Heather, Marybeth, Andrea at Snoqualmie Falls.

Christmas roommate bonding with Marybeth, Jackie and Katie.

Camping with (left to right) Kaili, Sheri, Marybeth and Bonnie (who's hiding).

Visiting the Ballard Locks with (left to right) Marybeth, Sheri and Katie.

The truth is...

Just because I post on Facebook frequently does not mean you *speaking in general terms* know me.

Just because I post pictures of New York does not mean my life is amazingly exciting.

Just because I'm always positive on Facebook does not mean I'm never negative.

Just because I talk about Paleo on Facebook does not mean I don't eat treats on a regular occurrence.

Just because my life doesn't have your problems does not mean it does not have problems.


Let me tell you who does know me.

The people who choose to talk to me outside of Facebook land. I have one friend here in Seattle, who completely left Facebook for several months. She came back for a week and then just realized it wasn't for her and left again. Do you know who I turned to yesterday when I basically had a panic attack about my life...its lack of direction and (what I was feeling at the time) lack of meaningful relationships? S, my non-Facebook friend.

S immediately befriended me when I moved to Seattle. Immediately. She was not in the Relief Society presidency. She was not in any sort of leadership calling. She was not my visiting teacher. And she was not a non-popular girl (yes, I'm speaking in high school terms, because...let's be honest, remaining single in the LDS scene reverts you back to high school.) S is known by all. She's funny, liked, knows everybody and everybody knows her. So, I wasn't her desperate attempt at making an only friend. She already had friends. She didn't need me.

I had a wall up when I moved to Seattle. I'd go to church with a bit of a chip on my shoulder. "I'm tired of having to make friends. It's exhausting, you have to make small-talk, you have to beat around the bush several times before you can start talking about real stuff...then you do talk about real stuff and they get married and you have to start all over again." That's what I told myself. And because of that, I had a bit of a "I DON'T CARE" sign on my forehead. Actually, not a bit of one...a big one. For that reason AND because I had heard about something called "The Seattle Freeze," where it's known that the long-time Seattle people freeze out the new-timers...never inviting them to anything and making them feel left out and loser-ish...I put the "I DON'T CARE" sign up frequently...to protect myself, of course. *Don't you wish you were single again? I'm sure you're just thinking "MAN that sounds so fun and mature!" This type of thing occurs everywhere. Utah. Idaho. Washington D.C. Seattle.*

Over the past year, S somehow managed to remove that sign from my forehead. She'd randomly drop by the house where I lived, chatting with me and my roommates. Asking us to accompany her to get some hot chocolate or go camping or whatever. She'd throw little parties and always include me....WHEN SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ME. Seriously, the first month I was in Seattle, she threw a little get-together and invited me to it...sending me a private message (back when she was on Facebook) telling me how much she'd love for me to come. I didn't go, because I still had the sign up. But that didn't stop her from trying.

Then one day we figured out we rode the same bus into downtown in the mornings. I would always listen to my music on the bus...and never wanted her to think I actually cared if she sat by me, so the first few weeks, I'd always let her come to me...just to make sure she actually did want to talk in the mornings. (I have insecurities that I usually don't make apparent.) And, she always did. She'd see me, move toward the back of the bus where I was, sit down and start talking. And it was then...those mornings on the bus, that I finally...FINALLY removed the "I DON'T CARE" sign from my forehead.

We no longer ride the same bus, because I moved...but we've kept our friendship strong.

S saved me from myself...from my insecurities, my frustrations, my pessimism...that were all keeping me from making friends.

So, yesterday, when I had a melt down...who did I turn to? Roommates were gone, I was bawling. I texted S and headed to her house. She had no idea it would be a melt-down session, so when I asked if I could come over she was like, "Absolutely!" I go inside her house and immediately start to cry and she says something like, "Oh...okay. It's one of those days. Have a seat. Put up your feet. I'll go get my really soft tissues." And for the next hour and a half, we cried together.

I love S. She's an angel. She's had bad days too, of course. It's not all one-sided. I've listened to her in times of distress. But the point is, she and I would not be friends if it had been left up to me. I'm ashamed to say it, but seriously...we would not have been friends. She magically broke down my wall, and I took down the sign.

I am so thankful for people who listen to the promptings of the Spirit. I'm thankful for small miracles. For unseen angels. For the team that surrounds us, even when we don't know they're there. They are there. God knows us. He doesn't just see what we put on Facebook for people to see...He sees everything. And I'm thankful for that.