Latest Obsession

I get obsessed with a new song about every other week. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. For SEVERAL hours at a time.

Getting reaquainted with Dad

I don't know how to explain this, but I feel so good right now. Like, so good.

It's hard to truly convey the feelings I have for my dad. No one can really understand what it's like to grow up not knowing one of your parents, unless you've experienced it. It's a whole different situation than losing a parent as an adult. Of course, I haven't lost a parent as an adult yet (and hopefully no time soon) but I can imagine it now that I'm here. Growing up without my dad...being taught his spirit is still living somewhere right now, but God just needed him more than we did...it's just a unique experience. It goes beyond the death part. I never got to know him. He never got to know me...right here right now, in the flesh anyway.

The movie "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" captures it really well, I think. The kid talks about how he wants to try to save his memories, before they slip away into nothing. And they do. Believe me. Unless you work hard to keep your memories, they will, slowly but surly, fad from you.

It's been close to 19 years since my dad died. When he first died, the memories were obviously fresh. Everything seemed so obvious. Yes, Dad was really sick...he'd been that way for a while (2 years)...it was only natural he died. I didn't cry. I just went on. I know I missed him...I struggled in school...kind of became a loner for a while...but it's just SO DIFFERENT when you're a kid. You haven't even learned how to express yourself yet.

Then each year goes by, without him. One after the other after the other...and I'm experiencing everything without him, knowing his spirit is somewhere out there, doing something. But not with me. And memories start to fade. His voice isn't so easy to remember, his face isn't so easy to remember. I stop dreaming about him. And I'm thrown into a new life with a new family, expected to BLEND...and Dad just drifts away even further.

I've never been too emotional about it all. Never...until the last little while. Lately, I've yearned to know him now. To know what it would have been like to grow up with him in the home. To talk to him, fight with him, laugh with him, joke with him through my teen years...leaving for college, Kayleen's wedding...watching him as a grandpa. I've thought and thought and thought about it. Sometimes I find myself tearing up at work while I think about it.

And so, it came to me, I need to get reacquainted with him now. I need to feel him close to me...truly KNOW he is out there somewhere, but hasn't forgotten me. How can I feel him close? How can I get reacquainted with him? And it came to me. Well, actually, I've been thinking about this idea for a long time...but it finally came to me full force. I've decided to create a huge video montage. This montage will include pictures, video recordings of him, audio recordings of him, letters from him (read by someone else) and recordings of people's memories of him. It's going to be AMAZING. HUGE and AMAZING.

I've been working on it all week. It's a Personal Progress project, if you will...except, I'm no longer in Young Women. :) And just in the last week, I've felt closer to my dad than I have in a LONG time.

This is going to be such an amazing experience. I'm excited for the end result, but I'm more excited about the process. The feelings I've had so far have been truly amazing.

Good things are happening inside me. Good things for sure.

I think I've found my calling.

Greeting card writer.

What do you think?

I could TOTALLY write all that cheesy, mushy, lovey dovey sentimental stuff other people can't seem to put into words.

I'm gonna try it. Acutally, I've already started. I just need to submit what I've written.

Who knows...maybe this is it. Maybe you'll all be reading MY words on those cards you give to people when their cat dies. It'll be my claim to fame. :)

....

The girl my little brother took to his high school prom is now engaged.

Let me repeat that.

The girl my little brother took to his high school prom is now engaged.

She's at least 6 years younger than I.

Um...there's nothing left to say.

Maybe a lengthier post on how this makes me feel will come later. Or...maybe I will spare you.

Shame on you.

Can we please strike this phrase from the English language? Seriously. Let's banish it. And if the phrase exists in other languages, let's banish it from those as well.

Definitions of shame:

1. A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.

2. A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

Why would any of us, imperfect humans, wish to put a feeling of humiliation, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace on anyone? Especially children, toward whom the phrase is often geared.

This phrase literally gives me the heeby jeebies. I cringe when I hear it. It needs to go.

Those are my two cents for the day.

I have a lot of feelings

And they all came out through my eyeballs today...twice. Wait, maybe three times.

I neeeeeeed to find a man who is not afraid of emotion. That is all.

That, and...I'm voting for Romney. And if Romney doesn't get the nomination, I may not vote for a president.

And I really don't think marriage should be a government thing.

Thank you, and good night.

Another post

I love music. And reading. And the news. But not politics.
And I love food. And spices.
I love nature. And walking. I love Jack, my dog. He has one eye. I love fire. Fireplaces are nice and cozy. I love the rain. I love big windows. I love long drapes. I like fleece blankets and homemade hot chocolate. I like smooth sheets and my fleece poncho.
I love singing talent shows like American Idol and The X-Factor. I love when people achieve their dreams.
I love Portland. I love short nails with dark nail polish. I like watching people who are in love interact with each other.
I love my niece. I love dimples.
I love diversity.
I love dramatic television shows. I love crying while watching dramatic television shows. I love watching LOST with my mom.
I like cooking sliced apples in coconut oil and coconut milk with Cinnamon and craisins. Yum.
I love the ocean. I love rivers. Water is good. I love trees. And green is my favorite color.

I love the realization of being a part of something bigger than myself. Like when I was in the symphonic band in high school. We won State my sophomore and junior year. Or like when I served my mission. We took the glad news to the South. Or like when I helped feed the homeless. Or when I heard baby Perry cry as she came into this world. Or when I touched my dad's lifeless body, cold and pale, with my small finger, but still felt his spirit beside me. I love the gospel. Because it's a mix of hope, truth, faith, reality, and the unknown. I love God, because I do. He loves me.

I love the guitar. And I love making percussion sounds in between strumming by hitting my palm on the wood of the guitar. I love singing.
I love listening to my brother sing. I love watching Kayleen smile at her baby when her baby wakes up from a nap. I love how Bobby works hard for his family. I love watching my mom knit. I love hearing Chuck laugh hard, because it rarely happens. When it does, it's priceless. I love reminiscing with Crystal Marley about watching Seinfeld. I love watching movies and eating ice cream with Matt, Penny, Ellie, Luke and Ben. I love the tenderness each one of those kids possesses. I love how Luke will walk up to me, hug me, and walk away. I love watching Ben snuggle up to his big sister, Ellie.
I love looking through pictures of my best friends from my childhood. I like seeing their children and how much their children look like them.
I love to write.
I love remembering.
I love journals.
I love exploring thought. I like empathy.
I love BYU-Idaho. And good professors.

I love life. And skipping. And jumping on trampolines.