People

I just love people. I love connecting with individuals. I love understanding them. I love watching people. I wonder what makes all these strangers tick. What they're going through. What experiences have helped shape them into the types of people they are today. I love people. We, as people, are too critical of people. Too judgmental. Too harsh. I'm guilty of it. I don't want to be. We're all just trying to make it in this world. I love that. An Amy Grant Song says, "In a little while we'll be with the Father, can't you see Him smile. In a little while we'll be home forever. In a while. We're just here to learn to love Him. We'll be home in just a little while." We're just here to learn to love Him...and by loving Him we'll love everyone around us. That's key. It's not, "How can I get mine...how can I get what I need," but "What will make God happy? How can I help these people get back to Him as well?" I need to work on that. But I love people.

I've been tagged

by my mission sister and step-mom, Rita. (Yes, we're a scandalous family.)

Four Shows I Watch:
1. Life Unexpected
2. Gilmore Girls
3. Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman
4. Judging Amy

Four Things I'm Passionate About:
1. Creativity
2. Writing
3. Music
4. Family/Faith (I know, I cheated)

Four Phrases I Say A Lot:
1. "Tender."
2. "Good times."
3. "Sad about it."-thanks to Sundy Lynn
4. "Why come?"

Four Things I've Learned from the Past:
1. Understand your motives for everything.
2. Seek to understand people's feelings.
3. Rely on God.
4. Don't stop reading the scriptures.

Four Places I Would Like to Go:
1. New York
2. Back to my mission in the South
3. Back to my home in Frankfurt, Germany
4. Connecticut

Four Things I Did Yesterday:
1. Woke up later than 4 a.m.
2. Whipped out my last writing assignment for Advanced Writing in 20 minutes.
3. Poured my heart out to a friend.
4. Listened to Amy Grant's new CD.

Four Things I'm Looking Forward to:
1. The end of the semester
2. The end of this week
3. Seeing my family
4. Soaking in the beauty of GREEN Portland

Four Things I Love about Winter:
1. Hot chocolate
2. FIRE
3. Family time...around the holidays
4. Getting warm under a blanket after being out in the cold

Four Things on My Wish List:
1. Singing a duet with Amy Grant :)
2. Having a career that will ultimately help people
3. Finding out what it's like to sit in a pair of pants that don't cut off my circulation... :) Ok...exaggeration. But you get my drift.
4. Getting some of my songs on the radio

Four People I tag:
Kayleener
Sundy or T.-Or both combined...yeah, do that
Eva-Yes Eva, I'm tagging you. If you don't do it...then we're not friends anymore.
Monica-You haven't updated your blog in a while...I want to hear from you. :)

Exhausted

I've come to the realization that my days of being well-rested are over. Does well-rested need to be hyphenated? Anyway...

College is time consuming. I'm always tired. It's Friday night...and I'm in the basement of the Spori (my second home). It's the lovely communication building, and the basement is where all the video/voice production takes place. Do you know how long Final Cut takes? Editing video takes FOREVER and a day. Forget editing, just transferring the files from the camera to Final Cut takes 10 years. So, it's 11:00 p.m. and I really haven't been home today.

I'm shooting my final video for my Multimedia video journalism class this weekend. It's focused on competitive jumprope and they're having a competition tomorrow. I had to drive to somewhere far away this evening to catch the team in their practice. I only interviewed 3 participants...hopefully that's enough. But I also interviewed the coach and hopefully tomorrow I'll get some parents. If I do a great job on this news package, there's a possibility I can get it aired on channel 8 news. That would be so great for my resume.

Ok. I'm tired. And I'm bored. Guess what...college means tired. That's the definition for it. I bet you didn't know that. Ok, I'm seriously tired. So, I'll stop typing.

Good things are happening

I'm really enjoying life at the moment. I love how up and down my postings are... :)

Even with the little copyright fiasco, life was pretty good. I just let my thoughts get out of control sometimes. And sometimes that's ok. And on a side note...I'll never understand why the word "ok" has to be capitalized. OK? Why? I don't get it...it looks weird. Anyway...

Amy Grant, my lifelong pal, is coming out with a new CD on March 30th. It's her first new music in 7 years. I graduated high school 7 years ago. Goodness. I'm super excited. A couple of her new songs are available on her website, and I believe I've listened to them each about 234 times. Maybe more. My roommates are starting to glare at me. :) But hey...it's Amy. Not Lady Googoo...or whatever. One of the songs is a duet with her 18-year-old daughter, Sarah. Sarah sounds like Colbie Caillat. It's called "Overnight." I'm obsessed.

I love the freshness and exploration of a new friendship. I absolutely love it. I love it when someone will let you in. I love mutual respect and trust. I love the uniqueness of each friendship. No friendship is the same. I'm experiencing the pleasure of a new friendship right now. Beautiful.

Sister Hansen's letting me write for the Farmington, UT Newsletter. My first article was quite the process but a great learning experience. I'm so blessed to be having these experiences.

My mom and sister came to visit. I love them. They bring me peace and joy. So much joy. I just love them. I love how we love each other. I love how we interact. I trust them. They make me happy. I love how my sister will do something for me, like go to a class that she's not interested in, just because she knows I really want her to come and it's important to me. I love how my mom actually went to every single one of my classes, enjoyed them, and actually likes being a part of my life. Tender times.

Well, I have 7:00 a.m. class in 20 minutes, so I'd better go. Good things are happening. Go buy Amy's CD. Or at least check out her new songs on her website..."Better Than a Hallelujah" and "Overnight." Pure bliss.

Good people and good poetry

I recently had a panic attack in public. It was lovely.

This semester has been financially trying for me. I'm scraping by without relying on loans...which has been difficult. I've had two jobs, but even with the two, the money just hasn't rolled in. Not really getting many hours. The winter I make money by shoveling snow just happens to be the mildest winter Rexburg's seen in a long while.

So, my little mishap with the copyright website hit me hard (charged several times for one purchase, causing my bank account to go into the negative numbers...see post below.) It goes deeper than just money though. When things like this happen to me, I feel like a complete idiot. I beat myself up, whether it's my fault or not. I also do not like the "out of control" feeling, and I begin to panic. I start measuring my worth on the mistake that was made, and feel stupid in the eyes of everyone around me. I feel unworthy of respect, love, appreciation...all because of a simple, fixable mistake. I'm sure it has to do with my OCD...who knows. But, these panic attacks that occur in the middle of a crowd aren't exactly what you'd call normal.

Upon seeing my checking account online a couple mornings ago, panic began to rise within me. I tried to keep myself under control, contacting the company through their contact e-mail, and calling the bank. But my attempts at fixing the problem weren't bringing immediate relief, which I greatly desired. I had a 7:00 a.m. class I had to attend, and I could not miss it because we only meet once a week. I started walking to class with this panicky feeling in my chest, and tried calling my mom. She eventually called me back and as I tried to explain what happened while walking to class, I burst into tears and started hyperventilating. I couldn't control myself. The sobs kept ripping from my lungs. People continued to walk past me...I had nowhere to hide. I'm sure I looked ridiculous.

A couple hours later, in Sister Hansen's Media Law and Ethics class, I still wasn't much calmer. I had gotten control of myself of course, but I wasn't my normal self. My emotions ran high as we discussed ethical issues. People were loosing sight of individuals in specific cases...forgetting about the real live people at the heart of the issue. Someone even downplayed mental illness, saying that when someone has a mental breakdown, it's that person's choice. It's hard to explain without going further into detail, but needless to say, I was upset. I raised my hand and began to share my "panic attack" story with the class. How I had a full on panic attack in public, but just because it was in public doesn't mean I deserve to have my picture and name on the front page of the newspaper. OK...so none of this probably makes any sense. But basically, Sister Hansen could tell by my story, and my emotion while telling the story that something wasn't right with me.

Now, in case you aren't aware, this is my second semester in a class of Sister Hansen's. I'm also her T.A. this semester. She's also hired me to write the human interest pieces for the newsletter her small publishing business puts out for Farmington, UT. Sister Hansen is one of the most real, sincere, and good-hearted human beings I know. I greatly admire this woman and feel really blessed to have her as a mentor.

Well, after class she waited for me and asked me if everything was ok. As we walked out of the classroom, I proceeded to break down AGAIN. At least this time it wasn't quite as panicky...just very tearful. We've talked a lot over the last semester about life, hardship, family, the past, the future...basically anything you can think of. But, tears have never entered the mix. This time, however, I couldn't hold them back. They just came freely. Students walked past, watching me bawl in the hallway of the Smith building, while Sister Hansen stood there listening to me throw daggers at myself. I kept apologizing and she kept saying, "No Crystal, you matter to me. This matters." Many more words were shared, but the next day she sent me this poem...which touched me so deeply. I think it will forever be my favorite poem.

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Thank goodness for good people...and good poetry.

I really love it.

I really love how confusing the wording is on a copyright web page, so that when you click on the $25 box you think you'll be paying $25...but really, that's an extra charge on top of the $59 fee to copyright a piece of work. I especially love waking up, looking at my bank account, and realizing that the copyright services charged me three times for one purchase to copyright one song...that's three $84 charges. I really love how this caused me to overdraft...and how the check I recently wrote for rent will bounce. I really love that the copyright website only has contact e-mails and no phone number. I really love how the bank can't help me until I contact the copyright business. Wow, I have so much to be thankful for. I really love it.

Why did I copyright a piece of work? Well...a stupid guy contacted me about his stupid LDS independent recording studio and the stupid project the stupid company's working on and how he supposedly can get my stupid name out there if I do some recording for the stupid company for some stupid CD. You may think this sounds exciting...maybe it is. But all I can focus on right now is the fact that I have a negative balance in my bank account and was charged $252 to copyright one song. Oh how I love it.

Behind the scenes

For my latest video project I did a behind the scenes look at two awesome teachers in the communication department at BYU-Idaho. Sister Hansen and Brother Wyeth. If you want to see just click here.