This feels familiar

This has happened to me so many times in my life...you'd think I'd get numb to the feeling. I made a dear friend in my current roommate, she's moving away, and I'm grieving the loss. I'm trying not to grieve prematurely, because she's not gone yet, but every time the subject of us moving out of our apartment is discussed, or her progress in the job hunt outside of this state is brought up...a little part of my heart hurts.

'Get over it' I tell myself. 'It's no biggie; you'll stay friends.' But it is a biggie. We will stay friends, but it will not be the same. And I'm tired of having to get over THIS scenario over and over again.

I have grown attached to so many people over the years...and then had to mourne the loss for one reason or another. Most of the time...marriage. Sometimes it's just a fork in the road and we choose different paths, which is what is happening now. She's tired of living in Seattle. I am not. Fork. Different directions.

It just gets tiring. This is why people get married. Well, one of the many reasons. Stabity, constant companionship, a forever someone. Sometimes I start to get comfortable in my make-shift family of friends and think, "Eh...what's the big deal? Who needs marriage and family?" And then my make-shift family falls apart...to progress or make their own REAL families...and I'm reminded, "Ahhhh, yes. Marriage and family is good. And I'm tired of being alone."

The upside of going through this so often is the fact that I have made so many DARN GOOD friends over the years. Buuuuuuut, I'm ready for some stability for my heart. Not to mentiom, just some physical stability. I have lived in a new place/apartment/house every year to year and a half over the past 12 years. I have not stayed in the same place longer than a year and a half! Tired. Tired of it.

My heart is ready to rest. It's ready to settle. It's ready for companionship that will last through the eternities. This is me being vulnerable. Internet world, I'M READY. Is anybody listenting?

:)

Goodnight.

Cryptic

Alanis Morissette's song "Hands Clean" perfectly depicts one of the most rewardingly torturous relationships of my life. This song literally plays out every aspect. You can find its meaning here: http://songmeanings.com/m/songs/view/51576/

Over half a decade later, I'm finally starting to come to terms. This is a pretty cryptic post. I suppose I'll include it in my memoirs one day...or turn the entire story into a novel of its own. But for now, I'm only ready for cryptic verbiage and representation through a song.

We learn from our experiences...and for that, I do not regret the relationship. But I never wish to experience it again.

You can hear/watch the song here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dH289KxkGw&sns=em

Are We Not All Beggars?

As I was walking to my bus stop a few moments ago, I came across a man sitting on the pavement in a crevice of a building, knees pulled up to his chest, arms folded over his knees, and his head buried in his arms. The sign he held was different from the average variations of "Anything helps" signs I see scattered through downtown. Etched on a small, worn, spiral notebook in blue ink, were the words, "I feel invisible.... I just need a little help." I continued walking...as Carry Underwood's "Something In the Water" streamed loudly through my headphones into my ears "Now I'm singing along to Amazing Grace...got joy in my heart, angels on my side....I am changed...now I'm stronger...there must be something in the water." As I got further and further away from him, trying to ignore the image of this invisible man in my mind, with thoughts like, "If I give every homeless person in Seattle money, I'll go broke" running through my head, the personalized nature of his plea, along with the lyrics of the song that was blasting in my ears, finally stopped me in my tracks and reminded me what the heck this life is all about. Extending mercy. Showing compassion. Living what you profess to believe. I turned around and walked up to the man. I spoke to him, and he did not look up. I tapped him, and it still took him a moment to register that someone was talking to him. We exchanged a long look of mutual respect and compassion, I gave him two dollars, and I walked away. I seriously don't know the answer to homelessness. I've done tons of research on the causes...war vets, mental illness, domestic violence, addiction, disputes between children and parents, foster children, job loss, and the list goes on. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. But ignoring it won't make it go away. And maybe...treating these people like actual people is a start to ending it. Like Elder Holland reminded me in the last LDS General Conference, are we not all beggars? It doesn't matter how they got there. Sometimes hardship is handed to me...sometimes I bring it on myself...and in both scenarios, I beg my Savior for relief, and He gives it to me. Every time. These people need some freaking relief. I'm going to do my best to give them some by SEEING them and recognizing them as my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Latest Obsession

I've had this song streaming through my ears on repeat for the last two weeks. Haven't gotten sick of it yet. Call me dramatic, but it speaks to me.


 

Never mind...

There's a fine line between good, raw, real pure heart-breaking writing...and self indulgent, woe-is-me, pitiful writing. My last post felt closer to the latter. So I removed it. Not before a couple people read it, but soon enough.

Instead of leaving it posted, I reached out to my cousin for a listening ear. The post was about loneliness. This was my cousin's response.

"That's when the Savior's life was the hardest, when He felt alone. When His Father removed His Comforter. Being and feeling alone is the worst feeling in all of humanity, even for Christ."

That quote is why I love Sundy Lynn. She has an empathetic heart. And she draws from the Spirit when comforting. This was the absolute best thing I could have heard/read while I was in the depths of loneliness. She reminded me that the Savior knows EXACTLY how I feel, and He recognizes the excruciating pain loneliness can bring at times.

So, instead of posting about my grief and sorrows, I want to post about my gratitude. Gratitude for the Savior and His Atoning sacrifice. His healing hand. His understanding heart. His forever guidance. His constant companionship. I love Him.

Gratitude for the people God puts in my path. For a roommate who calls to check up on me, listens to me cry, and then says, "Crys, I hope you're prepared to stay up until 1:00 a.m. because there's a movie we HAVE to watch right now. It will make you feel better." And it does.

For a bishop who cares. Who takes the time to know YOU. To text you on your birthday, and pull you aside in the hall to tell you he's thankful you're in the ward.

For good friends. Smart friends. To be surrounded by compassionate, intelligent people. For friends who live on the floor above mine, and I can just take my work laptop up there with me, plop on their couch and watch a movie while working, with people who care.

For a family who loves me. A mom who understands me. And when she doesn't, she works really hard to see things from my perspective. For a brother, sister and brother-in-law I feel close to. Where memories run deep for all of us. A step-family I couldn't imagine my life without. Older siblings who act excited to see me. Nieces and nephews who love me and want to be around me.

A good, solid job. Coworkers who lift me up instead of tear me down.

A cute, cozy, safe two-bedroom apartment. A beautiful city. Cheaper public transportation. A car that works.

Life is good. Hard at times. But definitely good. And I have much to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Dear Seattle...Thank you.

I passed my two-year mark of living in Seattle about a month ago. Sometimes I feel like, aside from my mission, moving to Seattle was the best decision I've ever made in my life. This is where I've "grown up" and learned to love myself. I've been presented with fabulous work and career-growth opportunities. My Seattle friends are some of the best people around...incredibly intelligent, wise, well-rounded, warm, accepting and kind. And the vibe of Seattle fits my personality so well. It's a hard-working city, but easy going. A driven city, but not extremely competitive. I belong here. In contrast to the decision to serve an 18-month mission for my church, I did not pray much about the move. I just felt in my heart and soul that it was THE choice to make. I knew before even uttering a prayer, which is honestly how the Spirit often moves me. Some people thought I was crazy to leave Georgetown and a Communication job in D.C. in order to move to Seattle without a job lined up and no friends at all. But nope. I'm so grateful for the agency God gives us, along with the choices and opportunities to take giant leaps of faith. And God has been with me every step of the way. So I thank God, and I thank Seattle. I'm happier and more fulfilled than I have been in a looong time.

Meet the strong, single, career-driven female Mormon

Where was that in the movie?

Okay okay, "Meet the Mormons" was a great movie. It really was. It inspired me on many levels, and kind of left me with a feeling of admiration for people of all faiths and cultures, honestly. Obviously every Latter-day Saint story can't be represented in a 78-minute documentary. But they did clearly stay away from the more controversial lifestyles that do exist within the church. I'll skip discussing some obvious controversial Mormon lifestyles, and I'll just stick to the category I find myself in at the moment.

While watching that movie I sadly couldn't help but feel a little left out of the club. Again, I will say that the movie was beautifully made, well-rounded culturally wise, inspirational and did move me to tears. But the honest truth is, I felt a little left out...and walked away with a "wanting" feeling. This church is focused on families. That movie was focused on families. Sure, a what-seemed-to-be strong female career woman opened and closed the film, but we don't know her background...and her story was not told.

I'm truthfully not trying to be controversial. Again, I realize every Latter-day Saint's story cannot be portrayed. But these are my feelings and thoughts...this is my blog...so, I'm sharing.

I have spent the better part of the last two years doing ALL in my power to follow the counsel of the brethren and find an eternal companion. It's not like I haven't tried in years past, but I have been very actively putting my time and energy into fulfilling one of the biggest, if not THE biggest commandments ever given. Go to church...it's centered on marriage and family. Go to the temple...it's centered on marriage and family. I'm ready to fit in, eternally progress, and start experiencing my God-given divine role as a wife and mother. Not to mention, I'm ready to have companionship in this lonely, cold, tiring world in which we've been placed.

Since moving to Seattle I have physically dated two non-Mormon men and three Mormon men. I have conversed with at length, through online dating, at least four or more Mormon men. I have attended game nights, parties, FHEs and whatever other awful YSA social gatherings you can think of. And still, here I am, the strong, capable, very single, career-focused Latter-day Saint woman writing this blog post.

This last year brought high hopes. It started off with me meeting an LDS man online, hitting it off very well through emails and phone conversation...and then weeks of dating semi-long distance (we lived 3 hours apart). Needless to say, it didn't work out. We wanted it to, but it just didn't fit...and believe me, you can't force something that doesn't fit. And I swear if I hear "Any two worthy LDS people can make a marriage work" one more time, I'm going to take a fork and jam it in my ear. Easy for you to say when you found the love of your life at age 18 or 21. While we're on the topic of jamming forks in our ears...please don't let me hear the words "Gosh, live it up while you can. You're only single once" come out of your mouth. That, too, is VERY easy to say when you only had a couple short years to wonder if you'd spend the rest of your life alone. Anyway...

Then I dated a man who I really started to see possibility with... We dated for a few months, but due to reasons I don't feel at liberty to discuss in this forum, the relationship ended...pretty recently.

I am single. Not for lack of trying. Not for lack of wanting. Not for lack of faith. But because it is the plan God has for me right now in this time of my life. And I'm doing my very best to keep it together, to enjoy life, to progress, to remain selfless, and to find the proper balance of not obsessing over something that I clearly cannot control but taking the proper action steps of faith to show God my desires.

So, here I sit, pondering the movie I just saw. Loving it for the truth it brought...but wishing I was represented. I've lived my life decently righteously. I've dotted my I's and crossed my T's. And not necessarily to gain anything. I live the Gospel because I believe it, I love it, I feel it. But sometimes I do wish that I fit in better. I wish I had a more firm place. I wish my voice was heard a bit more. Not just as a single woman who believes and has faith one day she'll get married and have children...but the voice of a single woman who knows she may never get married and have children, but still finds belonging, still finds purpose, still finds love and still finds acceptance. I know it's there, but open, public support is sure nice to receive sometimes.

So there's that for honesty. I love this Gospel and I love this church. And I only hope that we can all continue to reach out beyond our own personal little bubbles and appreciate the unique strengths we all can bring to the church table.