A New Set of Problems

I'm not naive. I realize a new life would only bring new problems. But I'm ready for a change of pace. Different problems.

I have so much to think about right now. Do I want to continue on down the HR career path? Or do I want to make a drastic change? Apply for Teach for America? Go to Grad School for Social Work or Counseling? Decisions decisions. It ultimately comes down to A) Do I want to make lots of money in a job I don't care much about? Or B) Make little to no money in a job that would make me feel alive?

I've been kinda, sorta, maybe seeing someone for the past few months. That, in and of itself, is a complicated mess. Maybe not the relationship itself, but my feelings, emotions, insecurities, and indecisiveness. Things are progressing reaaaallllyyyy slowly. Partly my doing, partly his. I'm not ready to share much about my relationship with him, because there are a lot of variables involved...that typically are not present when you commit to a relationship in your early 20s. I am in my 30th year of life. Dating means something different...and often comes with more decisions than when you're 20. Maybe you're picking up what I'm putting down. Or maybe I'm being too vague. I'm not sure what I'd prefer. Anyway...my brain is overwhelmed.

This summer had brought so much hardship. Close family friend died suddenly, drowned in a reservoir. Heart-wrenching, to say the least. I've been homeless for the last month. No fun. Couch surfing...no consistency. I threw my back out about a month ago, still not healed. My car was broken into and expensive valuables were stolen from my trunk. I don't feel like explaining why they were in my trunk...but it was a fluke occurrence. I'm tired. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally.

I'm ready for a new life. A new direction. A new path. Can someone spin me really hard and see which way I point?

What if...

I never fall in love?

I'm starting to feel incapable of falling in love.

How's that for your negative Thursday musings?

Find What You Are Looking For

Probably my all-time favorite song.

Not that you care, but recent public events surrounding my church have caused me to, once again in my life, reach out, try to understand, and try to bridge the gaps between myself and those with whom I don't necessarily agree. There may be law and there may be a right and wrong, but everyone is given different paths in life...and come to conclusions in different ways and on different time tables. I honestly, truthfully cannot KNOW who I would be or what choices I would make, or how long it would take me to come to certain conclusions had I been given a different pair of shoes. I thank God for the shoes I was given, and I hope to spend my time in these shoes actively bridging gaps instead of passively passing judgment on people who wear different shoes than I.

The Biggest Loser

I'm writing from the bus again.

Well, it's finally happened. I finally no longer feel the need to publish every thought in my head. Because I've gotten rid of Facebook, I've had more time to think, ponder, strengthen relationships with people physically present in my life (because I share my thoughts with them and we can have a legit conversation about it) and I read so much more! I thought I'd just blog more with the lack of Facebook, but blogging takes time...and time is so hard to come by these days.

I worked a 10.5 - day today with no lunch break. My 10-day vacation in New Zealand can't come soon enough. And oh wait, I leave this Saturday!!! Sheri (the friend with whom I'm going) has been sending me a count down for the last couple weeks. We're like 3 days away, people! Cray-zay! I just finished shopping at the downtown Target...where I bought a new backpack and travel stuff. I'm excited. :)

I've been doing online dating. Just like blogging...I tend to avoid it because it takes time and brain power. But I don't regret the choice to do it. I'm talking full-blown, paid-for LDS online dating. If anything, it's at least helping me realize I'm not totally repulsive to decent Mormon men. I was starting to wonder.... I dated last year...but the two men I dated were not Mormon.

I hate the show The Biggest Loser. HATE it. I've tried watching it before and it makes me feel sick...literally sick to my stomach. And uncomfortable. And depressed. And sad. Human beings are put on display in front of millions of people (akin to zoo animals), tortured and forced to do crazy things (akin to circus animals) and we call it inspiring. They are real people with real lives. The show is unhealthy, unrealistic, and irresponsible. I've always hated the show, because it's basically treating human beings like lab rats, and causes weight biases. But I definitely hate the show now after the controversy of the last winner. We call her too fat...and then we call her too skinny. Who are we anyway? No matter what the size of the contestant, those tactics are unhealthy and will never last long term. America wants everything fast and magical. It's ridiculous to think you can fix a problem with the same problem (ie. fast food and pre-packaged crap with over training and obsessively counting calories...replacing fast with fast...magic with magic). These things take time. The brain needs time to catch up to the physicality of it all...or THEY WILL FAIL and revert...or go too far the opposite direction.

End rant.

Life is good. Hope y'all's lives are good too. :)

Nashville

So, I got into the show "Nashville" last year. It's in its second season. The musical talent on that show is unbelievable. Seriously. Just look up Lennon and Maisy Stella (they're sisters) on YouTube. Or Sam Palladio and Clare Bowen singing "Fade Into You." My word...talent. I love that this show creates and produces its own music, and that all the stars sing all their own songs.

Anyway....

This song was on an episode two weeks ago...and I'm obsessed. I can't wait until I can get a clean version (without the dramatic scenes and talking in between). :) Love it.


 

12th Man Unite!!!

The latest haps, brought to you from route 77

I never want to take the time to blog when I'm at home. By the time I work my overtime, hit the gym and bus home...all I want to do is cook my dinner, watch some YouTube clips and hit the sack. Or chat with the roommies. Or do some random church activity, which seem to be filling all my evenings lately.

So, I'm blogging on the bus.

We're about a month into the year. I'm making progress on ny desires. I'm not sure I can remember them all off the top of my head. But, I've remained deactivated from Facebook...and oh, how sweet it feels. We're getting closer to NZ. I've tried to call someone I love every week. I was finally called to schedule an interview with Big Brothers Big Sisters...so I'm hoping that works out, which would be a 12-month commitment, not just 4 months like my goal. I'm backup for a Ragnar team if anyone drops out. Switched which half I plan to run, haven't signed up yet though. I finished a biography and am on my second. I've attended the temple this month. Is that 8? I think those are all my desires for 2014, and I'm doing well...one day at a time. :) I guess they're not all my desires...but the majority of the ones I can control. :)

Life has had its ups and downs this month...as always. I've been reminded that no matter how hard I try to make a make-shift family, nothing will be as stable as finding an eternal companion and starting my own. However, I'm still very thankful for all the wonderful people God continually puts in my life.

And...that's it for this morning. From bus route 77 into downtown Seattle, this is Crystal Noel, signing off. :) Happy day, everyone.