Nobody's blogging

Including me. I don't feel like changing that at the moment. But you all should. I need more reading material.:)

I'm happy! With a little bit of sadness mixed in.

Today I realized, I'm happy. I'm pretty dang happy. For no particular reason. Except, I'm just really happy and content with my life right at the moment.

The Christmas season adds to my happiness. I love listening to sweet melodies of the Savior's life. I love sitting by the tree...looking at the lights and feeling the peace this season brings. The peace the Savior brings all year long.

I recently found out that my job with the government may be ending sooner than anticipated. Apparently, they had less funding for a contract worker than they thought. They really want to keep me, but there's not a lot they can do....except for a few ideas that are in the works. We're trying, but it's not promising.

This job has been so good for me. It's boosted my self-confidence in so many ways. In a way, it reminds me a bit of my mission...in the sense that, I'm dealing with people of all sorts of backgrounds, cultures,and  beliefs. I get to help them progress toward something good.

I've also grown to LOVE my co-workers. I've made some dear friends in just the last 5 weeks. A couple of them, I'm sure, will remain close friends of mine even after I part with the job.

So, this job has added to my happiness. The fact that it's ending causes me some sadness. But things will work out the way they're supposed to.

I sprained my ankle. And it's ugly. Black and blue all over...and still a bit swollen, a week after the fact. I haven't seen a doctor, because several people have told me I don't need to. But everyone at work thinks I should see a doctor. BUT...I can walk on it. Granted, it hurts...but when I wear a brace I'm fine. So, I know I didn't break it. The only thing I don't know is...if there's a small fracture, or if I tore anything that can't grow back. Haha...I don't know what's in an ankle or foot. But anyway...it's bumming me out a bit, because I can't run, and I was supposed to run another 5K at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve along the Waterfront in Portland. Oh well...I guess I'll have to do it next year. The up side of this whole thing is...AT LEAST the sprain happened two days AFTER my first beautiful 5K.

My roommate's mom just passed away from cancer last week. My roommate went home to say goodbye and won't be back for another month. My heart is breaking for her. I know that some of you, the readers of my blog, have experienced the same thing...recently or farther in the past. And my heart breaks for you too. The fact that I live with my roommate has obviously brought it a lot closer to the surface for me...and I've been reliving the feelings of losing a parent...and I've also been aching for my step-siblings who lost their mother at the same stage in life as my roommate is right now. I spent quite a bit of time on Sunday just shedding tear after tear for everyone's loss...because I know the pain. I don't know their own specific pain, but I know a similar pain...

But through all the heart-break I've been feeling on behalf of other people...I've also felt the Savior's love for all those who are feeling in despair. Especially, like I said before, during this Christmas season. I love the Savior so much...for the fact that only HE can truly ease our burdens and comfort our aching hearts. And the fact that he wants to...and does it willingly. I'm comforted in knowing that, while I can't comfort those who are struggling the way I wish I could, I know the Savior can.

So...I'm happy. Definitely happy. With a little sadness mixed in there too. And that's okay...that's life.

Crying at the finish line

So, as many of you know...I ran my first 5K over Thanksgiving weekend.

My very first 5K was a homemade 5K on Thanksgiving morning/noonish. Kayleen and I just programmed 3.1 miles into my phone, and we ran until it told us to stop. Good ole technology.

My second 5K, and first official race, took place last Saturday...the Saturday after Thanksgiving. It was beautiful.

I don't have much to say about it, really. I mean, it was *just* a 5K.

Side note:

When I signed up, the helper guy was like, "Which one are you signing up for?" There were a couple different races taking place over the weekend. I sheepishly said, "Just the 5K." He said, "There's no "JUST" about a 5K. You claim that 5K. Be proud of it. Don't ever put 'just' in front of '5K' again." So I said, "Well, to be honest, I've been working really hard to be able to run this 5K." And he said, "See...and you're going to rock it. Good for you!"

So, back to what I have to actually say about the 5K. I have never considered myself a runner. In fact, I was so far removed from the "runner" status...suggesting I'd ever run a 5K without walking during it was seriously laughable. Like, a year ago, I would have totally laughed at the thought. The thought of running for exercise...or heaven forbid, pleasure...was really quite sickening to me.

But, as y'all know, I've been living a paleo lifestyle since the beginning of August 2011. And this paleo lifestyle has helped me shed some unwanted poundage. It's given me more energy and made me feel better. Also, moving to Washington, D.C....and then to Seattle, WA both forced me to walk a TON. No car = walk everywhere. Even when you ride public transportation, you're still walking lots and lots. And let me tell you, Seattle has HILLS. Many of them. So, the walking has helped me feel better as well...and shed some more unwanted poundage.

So, I've always envied people who enjoy running. I've wished I could be that person who feels free and energized by running. I love the thought of just jogging on beautiful trails and seeing the sights of the world while getting my heart rate up and giving my body its needed exercise. But like I said, I was never that person.

I had heard of the Couch to 5K program a few times before, but I always felt too lazy to try it. The thought of running overwhelmed me. Totally intimidated me...and really, terrified me. But finally, a friend suggested it when I told her I'd always secretly wanted to be a runner, and she said, "Just do the Couch to 5K program. You can do anything for 10 weeks. If you don't like running at the end of 10 weeks...give it up." At this point in my life, I finally felt like my body had the energy and ability to start running.

So I did, slowly...but surly. I didn't give up. I pushed through. I had some stuff come up here and there that would disrupt my schedule...but I forced myself to stick with it and keep going.

And I made it. I made it to my 5K. I really can't put into words the ENORMOUS accomplishment this is for me. There just aren't words for it. I'm not a physical person. I never do physical things. My physical abilities and attributes have always been a big part of my lack of confidence and my self loathing.

And thus...I cried at the finish line of my 5K. Kayleen jogged the whole way with me. She could have finished much faster than I, but she wanted to do it with me. When we got toward the end, she asked if she could sprint ahead so she could take a picture of me crossing the finish line. I liked that idea. So, as I jogged that last little bit alone, I was able to think and ponder on all the hard work that brought me to that moment. The encouragement from friends and family. The sacrifice of my time. The pain at times. And, as I came up to the entrance of the stadium near the Space Needle and heard Kelly Clarkson booming out of the loud speakers "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger" and saw all these people cheering everyone on at the end....the tears began to fill my eyes. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. But, I didn't let my crying last long, because I wanted to look somewhat presentable for the pictures at the end. :) Don't you love how vanity gets in the way of beautiful emotion? Ah...to be a girl.

Anywho...it was a beautiful feeling. One I imagine feeling when I get to hug the Savior at the finish line of this life.

You don't have any enemies.

"You don't have any enemies. Everyone is on your side." - Michael Caine

We watched a how-to-act documentary in my film production class today. Mainly to get pointers as a director, how to help actors achieve what you want them to achieve.

The teacher of the documentary was Michael Caine (in movies such as Batman, Second Hand Lions and many others). He was teaching actors how to become vulnerable...how to be the very best actor they could be. And those are the words that struck me hardest.

"You don't have any enemies. Everyone is on your side."

I feel like these words are super profound...not just with acting, but with life in general. As he spoke those words, the thought came to my head "I'd succeed at everything I attempted in life, if only I had that mindset."

Many times, I walk around worried about what people are thinking about me. Worried that I'll mess up and someone will pounce on my mistakes. This is partially why it's so exhausting to be in my brain. I never quite think I'm good enough...which makes me think others will never quite think I'm good enough. And often, that can mess with my true abilities. If I'm constantly worried I'll mess up or that someone will pounce on me, how can I truly be free to live...to be the best me I can be? I can't be my best if I'm constantly afraid of failure.

The Atonement makes it possible for me to live as though I don't have enemies. The Savior is on my side. He doesn't pounce on me when I fail. He doesn't yell at me or say "YOU LOSER." No, He lifts me up. He shows me the way. He asks me to try again.

I need to walk around with the idea that I don't have any enemies. That everyone is on my side. Because Christ is on my side, and He's the most important of them all.

When my brain takes a nose-dive

My sister tells me that it would be exhausting to be in my head...or to have my thoughts. She's telling me....

I went home this weekend, and my niece wanted to go shopping in South East Portland at some retro, vintage shops and then get something to eat at the food carts or something in celebration of her birthday. Sounded like fun. I tagged along, as well as did my mom and Chuck and some other family members.

I loved the vintage store, and really love the prices of all the items at the vintage store. I soon had my hands full of about 5 or 6 things. When everyone started to leave, my mom and I began counting up the costs of my items. It all equaled out to somewhere between $50 and $60.

Because it was over $50, my brain went into panic mode. I'm not sure what it is about the number 50...but when you couple it with a dollar sign, I start to freak out. If things are under $50, or right at $50...I'm usually okay, but over $50 and I think I'm going bankrupt.

I could actually use new clothes, as I'm losing weight. And, these things were super cheap. But as I stand there, trying to decide if I should buy the one item that was pushing the cost past $50, I saw my life flash before my eyes.

I started to panic. I thought, "If I buy this jacket, I may not be able to afford, rent, or I'll have to dip into my school money, and then I won't be able to afford school." I started to calculate my income, accounting for tithing and taxes, and I began to seriously hyperventilate, wondering if I'd be making $12.50/hr for the rest of my life...and having to worry about buying a USED jacket for a REALLY DECENT price forever.

My mind was seriously running like crazy, but I just couldn't make up my mind on whether to buy the jacket or not. It was a good jacket. A cute jacket. An amazing deal. A jacket I would look good in and would get a lot of use out of. But, as I freaked out in my head...and through many facial expressions, I'm sure...along with a few words (but not many)...my mom just eventually grabbed the jacket from me and said, "This jacket isn't worth the stress it's causing you." And she hung it back up.

But the damage had been done. I walked over to the check-out lady, and it took all my energy to focus on her and paste a smile on my face as she tried to make chit-chat and tell me they no longer offer platic bags...but she'd charge me $2 for a bag if I'd like. I smiled, said "whatever" as I imagined myself crawling into a cardboard box on the side of a dirty road.

In other news....

I make a horrible single Mormon woman. I do not enjoy FHE or ward activities. They give me anxiety, and I just feel like they're not worth the physical and mental pain they cause me.

Happiness Jar

This is my happiness jar. Sorry for the bad picture quality...my phone is on its last leg. Especially with me trying to use its navigational system in the rain. But anyway... This is my happiness jar.

I use it like a journal, but it's less pressure than a journal. It holds little notes of things that made me happy throughout the day. I started doing this last week at work, but I didn't have a jar, so I just filled a coffee hot chocolate mug with the notes. I found some time to make a jar last night, and I get happy just looking at the jar. I love my happiness jar. :)

I got the idea from Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love. I follow her on Facebook, and she's constantly posting pictures of different happiness jars, jars that her fans have made after Elizabeth announced she was going to make and use one.

Obviously, in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we're taught to keep journals...journals of blessings and gratitude, and spiritual happenings in our lives. I used to keep journals...I have books and books filled up from my elementary, middle school, high school and beginning of college days. But for the past few years, I've found keeping a journal to be really overwhelming. Trying to write down every detail of the day...or every thing I felt...it just got to be a lot of pressure. I always feel like I have to sound brilliant...or really deep when trying to fill a book of blank pages with my life.

I do not, however, feel pressure with my happiness jar. And what I notice is, A LOT of things bring me happiness. And I don't have to use big words or lengthy sentences to explain those things. I can just jot a little note and I'm good to go. Love it. I'm excited to fill the whole jar up and then go back through and read them all. THEN maybe I'll paste them in a book, and fill the jar up again.

Yay for journaling in our own ways. :)

The real me comes out.

Happy Halloween!

 

Sleep

I ain't gettin' any. And it sucks. I know I'm just psyching myself out at night. I'm so tired; I had a private breakdown at work on my lunch break. Crying. Couldn't stop.It was crazy. And it will happen again tomorrow if I don't fall asleep soon. Been lying in bed for an hour. Nope. Not happening. Hope you all are getting some sleep.

I'm sick, and I feel like rambling.

*There is a very real possibility that the following blog post makes no sense. But I'm posting it anyway.

This is what I look like at this very second.

I'm sick. In case you can't tell from the picture. I mainly posted those pics for Sundy's pleasure. I feel like she might get a kick out of those for some reason.... Maybe everyone else enjoyed them too.

I'm sportin' a hoodie look, as I usually do when I'm sick. It makes me feel better. I don't know why.

Thursday night, I spent the night at my sister's apartment in Redmond. It's only 20 minutes away from where I live. But because I do not own a car, I have the pleasure of using public transportation. Which turns the 20-minute commute to Kayleen's place into an hour and a half commute...that is, if I don't miss a bus due to traffic. Hahaha...I get a kick out of just explaining it. Can you just picture me getting off  one bus, trying to figure out where the next bus stop is...somewhere close by...only to find it one minute too late, as I run to try to flag down the bus that I need? Hahaha...it's not funny in the moment. But it's funny replaying it in my head. Guys, I swear under my breath when I'm frustrated. It's something I need to work on. Please don't judge me. I'm an open book; I find it easier to live life when I'm not pretending that I'm perfect. Then I actually have the courage to try to change.

Anyway......

So, I wake up Friday morning, on Kayleen's couch (it's comfortable) with a soar throat. And I think to myself "What the crud? I start a brand new job in 3 days. Dang."

Let me just say...In the year and a half that I've been eating paleo style, this is only the 2nd time I've gotten sick. And BOTH times were RIGHT BEFORE starting a brand new job. I think that says something. Something like...maybe I should never work again. :) Or, I need to learn how to not stress before entering new situations.

So, after waking up and watching Perry eat breakfast (that kid is SO entertaining to watch, especially when she's eating. She treats it as a sport or something. She loves food...SO MUCH.) I head out at about 8:20 a.m. to be able to get home around 10 a.m. But oh...I missed a bus. Hahaha. So I didn't get home 'til closer to 11.

Then I headed to RITE AID and bought every cold medication they had in the "cold" section. The check-out lady was probably afraid to touch the merchandise I had just had in my hands and plopped on the counter for her to scan.

When I got back to my house, I had a sporadic deep conversation with two of my roommates, from which I learned some deep things about one of my roommates. It's funny how those things just spring up out of nowhere. We have now bonded more in 20 minutes than in 3 weeks of living together.

I proceeded to stress out about whether I should skip a day or two of my Couch To 5K program, because I didn't want it to make me more sick, but I didn't want to skip it either. After asking Facebook's opinion (because really, with modern technology and social media, who makes decisions on their own anymore?) I decided to go jogging.

I'm now volunteering at a place called The Healing Center (a community for grieving individuals who've lost loved ones to death) and I needed to stop by yesterday to drop something off. It's about 2 miles away from me, and I thought 'I'll just jog there, and then I'll take the bus back.'

So, I jogged there. The jogging seemed to help me feel better, which made me happy...and I was glad I decided to go for it. UNTIL...my journey home.

I realized, that it probably wasn't the smartest thing to be outside in the cold wind, with a sweaty body. I waited for the bus...and it was like 10 minutes late. While I was waiting, a high school or middle school let out...and before I knew it, a MILLION kids were swarming in front of me. By the time I was finally able to get on to the CITY BUS (since when do kids not ride their own school bus home???) the bus was too full for me to get on! WHAT? So, I proceeded to walk home...because I was ticked, and just didn't want to wait longer for another bus. So, my sweaty, sick body was outside in the cold for over an hour. How smart am I? SO smart.

Guys, the moral of my story is, there is no moral. This is my life. I do what I want, when I want. It's wonderful and not wonderful all at the same time. I have no one to take care of...no one to report to. It's fabulous and not fabulous all at the same time. I have no husband to argue with...no husband to support me in my break-downs. I have no screaming kids to keep me from the things I want to pursue; I have no laughing children to remind me of the reality of God's love.

Envy is stupid. So is jealousy. We have no clue of people's challenges. They may seem smaller than our own, but guess what...they're so different from ours, we can't even begin to imagine how that person is experiencing life...let alone their challenges.

It is what it is. I'm sick. And I have my hoodie to comfort me. And netflix. :)

Kiss On The Go

My first video-production assignment.

TidBits

*I got the temp job. I start Oct. 22 and it should last 3 months or so.

*I really really love my bedroom. It's got two windows, one of which has a little window bench under it. And it's kind of got the slanted ceiling effect...kind of like I'm in the attic, but I'm not. And there are built in shelves and drawers in the walls. Yeah...I kind of love it.

*I'm going to start volunteering at The Healing Center in Seattle. It's a nonprofit organization modeled after The Dougy Center. I contacted them this week, and I'm going to take a tour next week and chat about how I can help. :)

*My video production classes are great. The teachers are Emmy-award winners. Boom.

*Someone else joined our Seattle home, which caused my rent to go down $90. Sweeeeet.

*Had Pho (Vietnamese soup) for the first time tonight...with the roommies. And vegan coconut chunk ice cream. DELISH. By the way, vegan just means no dairy in the ice cream, which explains the coconut, because it's made with coconut milk, which I'm used to. So, "vegan" ice cream is nothing special to me. :) That's probably one thing paleo and vegan peeps can agree on.

*Still going strong with Couch to 5K...moving on to week 5 next week!

*My niece is SO. DANG. CUTE. I stole this video from facebook. Is that amount of cuteness legal?

I'm feeling so pumped right now

Reason numero uno:
The presidential debate was bomb. I'm voting for Romney. The end.

Second:
I have an interview for a temp job. It would last 3 months, and it would buy me time to find a long-term job. I may not get it, but I'm stoked I at least have an interview.

C:
I freakin' LOVE living in Seattle...and I LOVE my house...and I LOVE my roommates. As of right now, my house is filled with the delicious aroma of pumpkin pie (gluten and dairy free...not by my doing, my roommate is gluten and dairy free) and the sounds of piano, two guitars and beautiful voices. One of my roommates is in a folk band, and she often has friends (not always band-mates) come over for jam sessions. I'm LOVING it. :)

Last:
I'm going home for Conference weekend with the sister and the bro-in-law and the niece (the niece is to die for, by the way...I really should talk more about her on this blog). I love that I can just go home on the weekend if I want.

Post Script:
It's Conference weekend! I love me some General Conference weekend. :)

Comm Therapy and bad words

A new episode of Comm Therapy is up! Warning... we talk about "bad" words and "fowl" language in this episode. Keep young listeners at bay. ;) Find links HERE

I am not depressed

I am, however, discouraged.

The job search ain't goin' well. Well, it ain't goin' the way I would like it to go.

It's easy to say you trust God's plan when it's a month prior to actually moving into an unknown situation. And then the gap in time closes, and all the sudden you realize the reality of life might slap you in the face in the near future.

Hahaha...this is the story of my life, isn't it?

Sometimes, I think I should just join a cruise ship as the deck-hand and I'll get meals, a nice little bunk...and a consistent pay-check.

What I need to be thankful for in all of this unknown is this: I am not depressed. This is a big thing for me. I often find myself in a depressed state. But right now, I am not depressed.While there is fear gnawing at my stomach, I still have this peaceful feeling at the same time....weird, I know.

And, in all reality...I AM LIVING MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. So, even thought I FEEL like it's taking me forever to get my life started...I'm actually living it. It started 27 1/2 years ago. And I'm enjoying the journey.

I will not end up on the streets.




I hope. ;)

I have opinions

My opinions are very nicely portrayed in THIS HERE BLOG POST by Josh Weed on "The Weed."

"Silence is abhorrent and leads to shame, confusion and darkness."

"...we need to talk about hard things. We need to talk about things that are uncomfortable. You can sweep an issue under the rug, but it's still going to be in the room with you."

I'm sharing this blog post, not because Josh Weed is by any means an authority on church matters, but because he echoes my views and opinions on the matter. I feel this way about homosexuality in the church, pornography in the church, drug and alcohol addiction in the church, mental illness...and any other HARD thing that affects US as Latter-day Saints just as much as it does the rest of the non-Mormon world. Pretending it does not exist will NOT make it go away.

Just my (and Josh Weed's regarding at least one of the topics mentioned above) two cents.

Also, that's what my song, Fickle Weather, is about.





Favorite scripture: James 5:16-- "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

Let's open up, pray, and begin to heal.

Passive Aggressive

Hi. If you hate passive-aggressiveness as much as I do, you should check out the latest episode of Comm Therapy HERE.

P.S.-I've been known to be passive aggressive. I'm not exempting myself from this behavior. :)

7 things I feel like telling you

1) I've decided to commit to the "couch to 5k" program. I've thought about this before but didn't commit. But, I want to try to be a runner. And in order to try, I have to actually try. So, this will be my trying effort. If I don't like it at the end, then I'll stop trying to like running. I realize I'm picking a tough time to start the program. It's about 8-10 weeks long, depending on how long you stay on each set. And, I'm SURE the rain will come any day now. But I can't put it off. I want to do it. So, I may have to invest in some actual rain gear. I never have before...I'm from Oregon and I'm just used to rain. But running in it? While I'm trying to like running? I need some rain gear. I hope the fact that I'm beginning this trying-to-like-running gig in the Fall in Seattle won't hinder my actual ability to like it. But I just don't want to put it off until next Spring. Ugh...just writing it out is making me less enthusiastic about it. It's sunny outside right now, but I can just envision the rain pouring outside, and me NOT wanting to go jogging in it. Bleh. But still, I'm going to TRY.

2) Musical confession: I like Katy Perry. Gah. Blame it on her last name. I don't know what it is, really. I just really like her. Go figure.

3) I'm so glad my favorite shows are starting up again. Like, it probably brings too much joy to my heart. Parenthood. X-Factor. Switched At Birth. Dancing With The Stars. Grey's Anatomy.

4) I've been doing the 40 Days Closer to Christ, Book of Mormon reading program. What I've come to find is...I don't really like it. It's too much about cramming the reading in to fit within the allotted time frame, and I lose focus more than when I take my time and pick specific topics to look for and highlight during each read. BUT...I will say, it's getting me back into reading on a regular basis, which is a definite PLUS.

5) I find the election stuff really emotionally disturbing. I'm sad that there's such a strong divide in America, and that the election process is looked at as a game rather than a privilege, responsibility and blessing.

6) My sister and I made some of the greatest apple fritters EVER. We got the recipe from the Worldwide Ward Cookbook. We paleoized it (not really on purpose, but because that's all we had, and it was Sunday and we couldn't get the "real" ingredients) but they seriously turned out AMAZING. Basically all we changed was using coconut milk instead of regular milk, and rice flower instead of regular flower. We still used a little sugar in it, and sprinkled sugar on top. Really really yummy.

7)I've applied to almost 30 jobs in Seattle....NOTHING. I need prayers and good thoughts. I'm starting to stress a little. BUT, I feel so good about my decision to move there, so I know it will work out.

Seattle home

This is where I'll be living in Seattle. Can't wait.

Still going...an update on going paleo

Once upon a time, I planned to create a paleo blog. I did create it, but I never kept up with it. The blog, that is. I did keep up with the paleo lifestyle, however. It was NOT a fad.

It's been over a year since I took the paleo 30 day challenge, and decided to incorporate it into my every-day life. And it's been a year, this Saturday, since I wrote this blog post.

I've actually stuck with it, people. Why? Because it's a lifestyle. Seriously. It's not a fad diet. I haven't posted progress 'til now due to that very reason. It's not a fad diet. Therefore, I have not lost the weight quickly. It's taken time. And, I still have plenty to go, but I'm sure it will come off in another year...and I'm just fine with that. Oh...AND, I walk alot. And once in a while, I do some body weight stuff.
I'm about 35 lbs down...give or take. I've got a few "then and now" pics for you. (Not before and after...because I'm still going...so, after what?)

I've got at least 40 more to go, so here's to another year!

Spotlight

I have this friend.

Yes, Julia, the spotlight's on you.

So, anyway, I have this friend...Julia.

Why am I writing a blog post about Julia? No clue. Except that she inspires me. So I thought I'd devote a whole flippin' post to her.

Many people inspire me, so maybe one day, I will spotlight all of them. And many people have been spotlighted in the past. Please refer here, here, here, here, here, here, here and let's not forget here for past spotlights.But anyway, back to this spotlight.

Julia Lewis. Now words can describe this girl. She's real. She's cool. She's real cool. :) She's chill. She's so down to earth. She's genuine. She's without guile. She's herself.

Now sure. Everyone has imperfections. So I'll go ahead and name a few of Julia's.......... Just kidding! :) I wouldn't know what to name, but I'm sure she has them. :)

But really, while she has had struggles, and no one is perfect, this is a girl I want to be like. Mainly because, she knows who she is. The light of Christ shines all over her face. She chooses her time wisely, but can still let loose and relax and have fun.

We have our "things"...just as I do with most of my friends. She taught me the yumminess of scookies (a huge cookie taken right out of the oven, with ice cream put immediately on top so it kind of starts to melt...RIGHT ON THE COOKIE SHEET. No need for bowls or plates.) And watching one of the greatest chick flicks ever, The Lake House. And eating at Craigo's Pizza.

She reads and ponders her scriptures nearly every day. (Or...she did when I was her roommate.) She volunteered as a grandparent person...(sorry, Julia, I don't know the technical name for it.) But it's where she'd go visit older people and hang out with them...every week. In fact, I think she's in charge of that organization now. Or, I could be making that up. But whatever.

She just wrote a blog post about the fun she had helping underprivileged girls in Chicago for the summer.

She's just good, through and through. I never feel judged by her. Never. I'm 5 years older than Julia, and I probably should have set a better example for her while living with her, but she set the example for me. Oh yeah, and she never seems to talk negatively about people.

One of my favorite memories with Julia is of us driving home one snowy winter day...actually, two days. We're both from Oregon, so I was giving her a ride home from Rexburg for Christmas vacation. And, let's face it...Julia is probably a bit more spiritually refined than I am. It was snowing hard. And Chuck and my mom were in the van in front of us. And it was getting dark. And I couldn't see anything. Literally...could not see a thing. I had told Chuck to drive slowly so I could see his tail lights, but he kept speeding up ahead of us. And my windshield wipers would stop every once in a while...and my tires felt like they were going to fall off, and the fluid in my car wouldn't squirt out to wipe off all the slushy mud that was hitting my windshield...and, well, I was SCARED and thought we were going to die. Julia was beside me, and my solution, instead of praying...was swearing. Yeah. I was swearing up a freakin' storm. Did Julia judge me? No. Or, maybe she did...and I just didn't know. She just tried to remain calm...and I think she laughed a couple of times. And then, all of the sudden I was like, "Dang, we're gonna die...I really need to read The Book of Mormon more." And Julia busted up laughing. Her laughing eased my tension. And then, I think I started praying instead of swearing.

But seriously...I never felt judged by her. She's good. Good to the core.

This good girl just got engaged to a man I can only hope is good like her. But, I think good attracts good. I'm so excited for her.

So, Julia, thanks for being you...and the quiet example of the Savior that you are. I've needed you in my life.

And....spotlight over. I've gotta go to the bathroom.

Something on my mind

My belief in my religion is not proof based. Therefore, I'm getting a tad impatient with people's attempt to disprove my religion (my own grandmother included in those "people"). You can't disprove something that isn't proven. I don't believe the Gospel of Jesus Christ as taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true because it's been proven true by man. I believe it to be true because the Spirit has born witness to my heart that it's true. You can't disprove that.

With that said, I'd also like to state that I don't believe in my religion because man tells me to believe it. I believe it because I've talked to God about it.

My brother-in-law, Matt, recently had a priesthood meeting with Elder Nelson, a member of the quorum of the 12 apostles. In this meeting, Elder Nelson was confronted about the issue of black members of the church unable to hold the priesthood until the '70s. Elder Nelson said that, while the doctrine of the church is always true and perfect, the policies are not always true and perfect. Elder Nelson said that in the case of withholding the priesthood from black men, the policy was incorrect.

Allow me to be so bold as to say, in other words...the brethren were incorrect in withholding the priesthood from black men, according to what Elder Nelson recently said in this meeting (a meeting in which I was not in attendance. So, yes...we must take that into account. I'm hearing his words through my brother-in-law, who was there in person.)

This isn't really news to me, however. But it's news to some, I'm sure. See, we as Latter-day Saints like to bury any negative things affiliated with our church deep deep in the ground as to not taint the church's image or taint our testimonies. My feeling is, however, nothing can change my testimony. Because my testimony, you see, is not founded on man...it is founded on Christ. Christ is the head of this church, but men...flesh...humans...run it under his watch. And, sometimes...men make mistakes. Do the mistakes of men disprove the reality of the Gospel of Jesus Christ? Nope. They don't.

The blacks/priesthood issue is not the only confusing thing in our church's history. If you were to take some time to research, you'd find all sorts of surprising things. ALL SORTS. You don't have an apostate grandma and serve a mission in the South without discovering some of these "surprising" things. But again, I've never claimed to have perfect human beings running the church to which I belong. I've claimed to be a part of Christ's church, but until Christ is here himself, running it in person, mistakes will be made...on multiple levels, I'm sure. The gospel and the doctrine, however, will remain perfect.

I've experienced some things in the last 10 years of my life...some things that the majority of my friends and acquaintances are unaware of...that could have pushed me away from the church, had I let them. Those experiences still linger with me to this day. And, as Amy Grant says, "I'd be lying if I said I had not tried to leave a time or two...but every road that leads me, leads me back to you." "You" being God...and God always leads me to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I have contemplated what it would be like to leave. I've toyed with the idea. And sometimes, it seems very appealing. If that makes you think less of me, well...I apologize for that and commend you for your unwavering faith. Honestly, I do. It's a gift of the Spirit to be unwavering in your faith, and I'm grateful for people with such a gift.

Although, I wouldn't say my faith was wavering...but maybe my patience...which is a Christ-like attribute, one that I continually need to work on, because my flesh is weak and gets in the way of my spirit.

But the fact remains, no matter how much my patience is tried, I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ that does not seem to go away. I believe The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is Jesus Christ's church established in the latter days, and I do believe that good, righteous men of God hold God's power, and guide His church with that power. No amount of "mistakes" or "discoveries" will disprove my testimony.

I love...

I LOVE making people laugh!!!

Oh my gosh, like seriously. It's one of my favorite things ever. And I love to laugh. So it's great when I can make someone laugh, and then the fact that they're laughing makes me laugh. And then we're both just busting a gut. Best. Feeling. Ever.

I also love the fact that after tonight, I'll be FREE from tests, projects, presentations and assignments....for a whole month and a half! Until I start up my film-production program.

I'm going to do the BIGGEST happy dance when today is over!

Okay, back to studying. Buh bye now.

Guitar Friend

I miss my guitar. This is the only picture I could find of me with it. I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson right now...she's just strumming away at her guitar. And all I can think is, 'I want my guitar.' Like, it's making me ache.

So, it's probably a good thing I'll be reunited with it soon. I didn't bring it to D.C. with me because of money...or lack thereof. But it will definitely be accompanying me to Seattle.

It's a piece of me...like an arm or a leg. I'm missing a ligament. :)

Anyway. I'm going to New York next weekend. It will be the greatest trip known to man. And then, I'll say goodbye to D.C. on the 15th. Bitter/sweet, but definitely more sweet than bitter.

I just realized...I've never named my guitar. Do you think I should? Is it like a boat? Does it need a name? Does that mean I don't love it that much?

Maybe I'll call it Guitar Friend. :)

Life News

Hey friends.

Me again. The author of this blog.

I've decided to make an announcement. I have yet to announce it on Facebook. The blog will be my first place of self-disclosure...for this particular piece of life news...on the Internet.

I bought a plane ticket, I'm packin' up my bags...and I'm saying goodbye to D.C.

I really don't feel like going into a long explanation about this...so I'll try to keep this brief.

So...moral of the story is, I don't like it here. I don't really like the Georgetown program. I never have liked investigative reporting...and I was taking a major wild shot in the dark thinking this program would be different from all other journalism programs in the world.

I don't like living in D.C. And I don't like how expensive it is. I don't like the competitive atmosphere and I don't like the corporate world.

Let's be honest. I don't want to be a journalist. I never did. Not the hard-core investigative type, anyway. I've felt uneasy ever since moving here...anxious...unsettled. I know I was supposed to come out here...but I wasn't supposed to stay out here. I believe I pursued this path in order help me figure out what I really wanted and to confirm things in my heart and mind.

So...do I have a plan? Yes.

I applied to a film/video production certificate program at University of Washington in Seattle. I was accepted. It's a 9-month program, and it starts in October.

I'd love to have my own business one day...creating history documentaries of people's deceased loved ones. I think people would pay for that service. Maybe I'm kidding myself. BUT, I don't think so. Plus, video production skills are highly beneficial in any communication job, and it would up my chances of getting a job with any company...any news company, any big name corporation like Microsoft or Disney...I want this skill.

I may pursue a Master's at UW in a year too...not sure about that yet. But it would be in digital communications...which would also be highly beneficial. And it's $20,000 cheaper than Georgetown.

And...I love the Northwest. I'll be within a half hour of my sister, and three hours from my parents and step-sibs. I love the lifestyle and weather and scenery.

So, I'm throwing in the towel on D.C. and Georgetown...and I couldn't. Be. Happier.

It feels different

This whole "grandpa dying" thing feels different from how I ever thought it would.

I didn't get to see my grandpa very often tin his last few years of life. I wish I had visited him more while I lived in Portland for the year that I did...he only lived 45 minutes away. But life gets busy and you make excuses not to have to fight the traffic after work every day.

When a grandparent dies, the first thing that comes out of people's mouths is, "Oh, I'm sorry...were you close?"

I find this to be an interesting question. I know why it's asked. I've probably asked that of people in the past. But it kind of minimizes the depth of pain a person may be feeling. Like, "Oh...wait, I'm gonna hold off on my sympathy because it's just a grandparent...unless, of course, you tell me you were close."

For me, I can confidently answer that question with a "yes, we were close." No, we didn't have long chats on the phone....I didn't call him up every week to see how he was doing. But when I did call, we would chat. And when I did visit, we had sweet, tender times.

As a child, I spent a LOT of time with him. When my dad was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor, we moved from Germany to Oregon really quickly, and we lived with my grandma and grandpa Perry for a little while while we looked for our own place to live. We spent a lot of time with them, even after we moved into our own apartment...because we lived so close, and my mom and dad needed a lot of help with us.

I have many sweet memories with my grandpa. Picking cherries off of the tree in their back yard, picking tomatoes out of his garden (he was a master gardener), making Micky Mouse pancakes with him...using chocolate chips for the eyes, mouth and nose. Watching him as he'd carve out my next craft project from a fresh batch of wood. Bouncing on his knee as he sang, "This is the way the gentleman rides, clipidy-clop, clipidy-clop......." Building wooden steps down to the little cabin he and his sons built in the woods. Sitting by the fire, coloring in the cabin. The cabin was made out of cedar wood...so everything smelled of cedar. :) Going camping and crabbing with him. Attending jazz festivals at the coast with him. He loved jazz music.

My grandparents showed up to every major event in my life. Every birthday. Every band concert (or most of them.) Graduation...mission farewell...mission homecoming. They weren't members of my church. They used to be, long ago, but they haven't been for as long as I can remember. But still, they came to all my functions at the church. My grandpa stepped in during "daddy-daughter" dances before Chuck came into my life. He's ALWAYS been there.

And this fact...the fact that he's always been there...is a big deal for me. Because my own dad wasn't there. But my dad's dad was always there. He was the extension of my dad. I knew, because my grandpa loved me so much, that my dad must love me that much as well.

So were we close? Yes. Was he old? Yes. Does that lessen the pain? No. Do I miss him? Yes. Am I extremely sad? Yes.

BUT, it sooths my heart to know he's having a little reunion with my dad, my uncle (who also passed away the same year my dad died...yeah...our family is cursed or something) and his parents. In fact, my grandpa's mom died when he was only 7, so he's waited a loooong time to get to see her again. I would have LOVED to have witnessed that reunion.

God lives. He sent his son. The Savior suffered, died, and then rose again. Because of that miracle, we'll all live again. This, I know to be true.

Goodbye

My grandpa died today.

I put this video together for him...kind of as a grieving thing for me. It soothed my heart a bit.

I love and miss him.

Silver Lining

It's funny; some of my strongest friendships have developed over the toughest of times.


Two examples for you.


ONE

When my family lived in Germany, my family became friends with another family, the Andersons. My dad taught the Anderson boys in Sunday school, he worked just down the street from the Andersons' house, and often, we'd stop by the Andersons' house on our way home after picking my dad up from work. Living in Germany forces people to create family, because the closest family is half way across the world. The Andersons slowly became our family.

One of my first little buddies was Johnny Anderson. He was 2 1/2 years older than I was. Maybe just 2...I can't remember exactly. We'd play hide-and-seek together...build legos...he was a boy and would treat me like little boys often treat little girls.

 On July 4, 1991, Johnny Anderson died in an awful bike/car accident. He was 8 years old, and he and his brother were riding bikes. The bike Johnny was riding that day happened to have faulty breaks...and was too big for him, I believe. I can't remember all the details. But the ending of this story is, he passed away that day. I soon-after attended my first funeral...my first experience with death was my good friend, Johnny.

 I still remember the day he died. Kayleen and I were playing in a bucket of water on our front steps. After getting tired of playing in our make-shift swimming pool, we went inside, and I saw my dad on the phone, crying. I'd never seen my dad cry before.

Just a little over a month later, my brother was born...August 8, 1991. And a couple weeks after that, my dad had a grand mal seizure in the middle of the night. We were too far out in the German territory for the military hospital to send an ambulance. So you know who came instead? The Andersons. Only one month after losing their son/brother...and the Andersons wrapped their arms around us while we discovered my dad had a malignant brain tumor and he would only have two more years to live.

The fact that such traumatic events took place in their family and my family, in the same year...in the same summer...just a month and a half separating the two, MAJOR bonding. I love that family. Beth, Wayne, Chad, Jeremy, Emiko, Matt, Sarah, Christian and Johnny. They're like a second set of parents and seven more siblings. I'm blessed to have them in my life.


TWO

A couple years after my mom married Chuck, a family in our ward experienced a similar trial to ours. Brother Rex Bliss was diagnosed with cancer...and it was a fast-spreading cancer. We invited him and his family over for Sunday dinner one of the Sundays after his diagnosis...and recognized the pain the family was experiencing...and the pain they were about to face.

After Rex's passing, the Bliss clan quickly became part of our family. We started inviting them over for Sunday dinner every week, and it soon became a weekly ritual. We did everything together...camping, vacations, beach trips...everything. We eventually became known as the "Perry-Bliss-Hanchetts" combining my last name, their last name and Chuck's last name. Once again, we created a family during an extremely difficult time.

The combining of our families lasted for a full year, until Lendie Bliss met and married her second husband and then moved her family to California. Even then, we still kept in touch...me going to EFY in California with Eliot Bliss, and the younger Bliss girls coming to Oregon for Girl's Camp.

Because of the strong bond we made during that first year after Rex's death, the friendships made then are still strong today.

Recently the power went out in my apartment complex, due to a huge unexpected storm in the D.C./Virginia area last Friday. Our power was out for 4 days. Holly Bliss (one of the Bliss girls, who was probably 10 around the time her dad died) and her husband just moved to Virginia a couple weeks ago. On Monday, Holly texted me, telling me she and her husband were taking a day trip to D.C. and wanted to take me out to dinner. When they discovered I was still without power, they insisted on taking me back to their home to spend the night, bought me dinner, let me do a load of laundry and then drove me back to D.C. for work the next morning (an hour and a half away from where they live.)

This experience really REALLY touched me. I realized, that had it not been for Rex's death...and the understanding instilled in my family through the experiences of my dad's death and Chuck's first wife's death, Holly and I probably wouldn't be as close as we are. She's a few years younger than I am, and during childhood years, kids usually don't mingle with kids much younger than their own age. But because our families became inseparable for a year, we became close and are still close today. And oh how thankful I was for that beautiful friendship on Monday night.

Trials suck. They just do. Death is hard and seems horribly unfair at the time it happens...and even several years later it can still seem unfair. And you know what? It is unfair. It's hard, it's rough, it hurts...it's excruciatingly painful.

But, I've discovered that there's usually some sort of beautiful silver lining. It takes years and time to discover the silver lining, but it is there. And I'm so grateful for the chance I've had to recognize it.

Twitter!!!

Okay friends. I like Twitter. In fact, I love it. I've grown more and more fond of it over the past year, and now...I feel it my duty to explain to the Internet world the good that can come from Twitter. It's much more useful than facebook. There's no social pressure like there is on facebook. There's no commitment like there is on facebook. And it's not just a bunch of junk passed from friend to friend. It's true info, from real sources, no strings attached. It's fun, it's profesh, it's live, and it's so useful...if you know how to use it.

So, you should listen to the latest episode of Comm Therapy to understand it even more. J.R. (my co-host) likes to argue everything I say...and maybe you'll agree with him. But if you've never gotten on board with Twitter, but you've always wondered what it's about...you should listen to our latest episode. It's really nothing like facebook...and who made facebook the god of social media??? I'm tired of comparing everything else against it. Let's give Twitter a promotion! :)

Go listen! (If you really want to help us out, you should subscribe to us on iTunes here. It's free. :))

Sometimes...I just don't know.

I've been worrying a lot lately.

About things like money, my future, my ability to survive on my own. You know...the basics.

I'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to get through grad school (assuming I don't fail miserably...it's hard), get $40,000+ in debt with loans, and then come out the other side without a plan, without connections, without job prospects...and worst of all, without a love for the field I just spent the past two years studying and pumping money into.

I'm scared.

I'm scared to make big-time life decisions by myself. I'm scared to continue moving forward in a decision...a decision that is ultimately shaping the rest of my life.

I'm afraid I don't have what it takes to make it in the journalism world. I don't like being aggressive. And journalism often takes aggression.

I'm afraid I don't know how to live alone. I'm afraid of loneliness.

I'm worried that I don't fit into the corporate world. Nor do I want to. I'm afraid I'm trying to climb a latter that's up against the wrong wall.

Ahhhh...the worries of a 27-year-old single woman. This is my life, and I just can't help but worry sometimes.

We all have worries.

These are mine. Thanks for "listening." :)

You see...

I made this purchase.

I've been watching Dawson's Creek on Netflix...yes, Dawson's Creek. And it's taking me back to the '90s. I love the '90s. Most importantly, I love the music of the '90s. It was lyrical and full of chick rockers.

So, I made this purchase. Alanis Morissette, The Collection....because it wasn't too expensive on the Amazon mp3 store, and nothing says "'90s music" like Alanis.

My first obsession from the purchase was "That I Would Be Good."

My latest obsession is now "Hands Clean." Which technically is not from the 90's...it came out in 2002. BUT, Alanis will always take me back to the '90s...not matter what the song.

I miss those days. Alanis. Sheryl Crow. Jewel. You know...'90s chick music.

Let's all go back, shall we?

50 Ways To Die On The Metro

1) "Someone is going to push me into the tracks ditch area...right in front of an oncoming train."

This thought forces its way to my brain EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I'm at a Metro station. It's my number one fear. Don't tell me I'm crazy. It's a very real possibility. I saw it on T.V. once.

2) Perfect place for a shooting

This obviously has happened...and people would go into frenzy mode. Stampedes would break out. People would go crazy. On the actual train itself, or under ground just waiting for it.

3) Gas

Someone could gas the joint...with toxic gas. I saw this on T.V. once too. I'd be trapped on the train, nowhere to go...in a tunnel, and start choking to death.

4) Flooding

I don't know how this would happen, but we're under ground...and water could get in there, and have no place to go. We'd all drown and die.

5) Earth quake

I do not want to be in a train while there's an earthquake. Under ground...in the dark. SCARY.

6) Disease

We're sitting so close together...packed together so tightly in a germ-infested contraption that probably rarely gets a proper scrub-down. I love having my body rubbed up against by a man who smells like belly-button juice.


Okay...so six ways is not 50 ways. But feel free to add onto the list. Please help my obsessiveness spiral out of control.

Comm Therapy

We've got a new episode. It's called "The many faces of Facebook." Check us out on iTunes or visit our blog at commtherapy.blogspot.com.

Leave us a message...argue with us...give us a topic to discuss...tell us what you think...leave us a review on iTunes!

P.S. I have an important quesiton I need to pose to my fellow bloggers. So stay tuned for that. :)

Without the Name Tag

I've realized, over the last couple of days, that I've walked into a war zone by signing up to work for Morality In Media/Porn Harms. I've never had a job that was so passionately involved with a controversial topic, that we're basically putting our reputation, personality, and even lives on the line in some cases. Now, that may sound drastic to some, but you don't know the kind of threats we receive over the phone, mail, and our facebook and YouTube pages. If ever one of those threats were to turn into reality, it would not be a pretty picture.

The last two days of my life were a different kind of test.

I had to attend a massive Christian convention here in D.C. on Thursday and Friday. This convention was a meeting for pastors and preachers all over the world, to come together and discuss relevant topics in today's world.

Religion plays a big role in Morality In Media's fight against pornography, and while we're trying to reach all audiences, religious leaders seem to want to get on board with our efforts of informing people of the dangers and harms of pornography more than most people. So, we arranged to have a booth at this conference, in order to pass out pamphlets, facts, and talk about this issue with the hundreds of religious leaders who were in attendance.

First off, it was an eye opener for me to see how many pastors would glance at our table, avoid eye contact, and quickly walk in a different direction. I didn't realize how uncomfortable this topic would be, even among leaders of the Christian faith. It took actual courage for me to approach people with a pamphlet...to ask them if pornography was an issue in their congregation, and if so, what they were doing to address it. We offered resources for help. Ideas on how to approach the topic. Encouraged people not to be condemning, but to realize it's an addiction, and one that many people want to overcome. I was nervous...it wasn't as easy as I expected...and I came to understand that this is a bigger struggle and problem than I had ever realized.

The second part of this two-day test came extremely unexpectedly...a major test of my faith and character. Who would I be without my missionary name tag?

As all you faithful readers know, I served my 18-month mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Mississippi and Louisiana. While there, it was not uncommon for me to be yelled at, told I was a Satin-worshiper, called names and preached at as to why I was going to hell and how I was leading others to hell, sworn at, kicked out of people's homes because I was tainting people's children with lies, told I did not believe in Jesus Christ...and much more. I grew used to it. I had my common responses and would usually just move on, trying not to engage in arguments (TRYING...key word there.) :)

This conference was like being thrust back into that part of my mission. Why? Because, the booth right NEXT to our booth was the truelife.org booth, a tool to teach Baptist Christians how they can spread the gospel and fight anti-gospel things. One of their "anti-gospel" topics is....yes....Mormonism. They have videos about Mormonism, how Mormons are wrong and how to avoid them.

Most of Thursday and all of Friday, the founder of truelife.org focused on the Mormonism topic the entire time, looping the Mormonism video, loudly blaring the audio for all to hear...facts about why Mormonism is not true Christianity. While the video wasn't necessarily mean, it wasn't fully correct (obviously). And more offensive than the video, was the way in which the founder of truelife.org was talking about the video and explaining it to pastors who would stop and watch. He was disrespectful and rude...making fun of Mormon beliefs.

All of Thursday I battled with myself...Do I tell this man I'm Mormon? Is that my job? I'm here to spread the message of the harm of pornography, and right now, people are listening to us. If people were to find out I'm a Mormon (and so is the executive director of our organization) then many of these pastors and preachers wouldn't listen to a word we say.

The Morality In Media staff is diverse in religion. We have the Catholic faith represented, the Jewish faith represented, the Latter-day Saint faith represented, and the Evangelical Christan faith represented. We all have differing faiths, yet we come together to fight pornography. But many of the pastors at this conference would not come together with us if they knew we had Mormons and Jewish representatives.

I discussed this with Tammy, my Jewish co-worker. I wanted so badly to say something to this man. She said, "Crystal, right now you're a representative of Morality In Media. If by tomorrow afternoon you still want to say something, then say it then. But try to restrain yourself until that time. We need to get this message out to as many people as will listen, without causing barriers."

I decided she was right. I could still stand as a representative of Christ throughout the conference, and when the time was right, I could share my faith with this man and his colleagues at our neighboring booth.

Thursday and Friday passed, and there came a point when it was time. I walked up to him and said, "Jesse, I wouldn't feel honest and true if I didn't tell you something before this conference comes to a close. I'm a Mormon. You've been blaring this anti-Mormon video for the past two days...I haven't said anything. But I'm saying something now. I'm a Mormon."

He was baffled. At first he thought I was joking with him. He had talked to me a lot, just assuming I believed everything he did. He had never really addressed the "issue" of Mormonism with me...had he done so prior, I would have filled him in on my religion then. But as I was filling him in, he was speechless.

He then apologized and told me he hoped he hadn't offended me. He just loves Mormons so much, he wants to show them the error of their ways and help them come to the truth. He explained (after I asked him the purpose of the video) that the video has a two-fold purpose. After asking him if our religion was such a threat to him and his faith that he felt the need to make a video about Mormonism in order to pass out to pastors and teachers, he said, "No...no Mormons are not a threat. Well...the truth is...the majority of your converts are previous Baptists. That's what the numbers suggest. We're losing people to you, and people just don't understand that you are not Christians." First of all, I served in the South...so I'm not sure where he got his numbers. Baptists are not the church's number one converts. But maybe he meant that of all the churches Baptists leave for, Mormonism is the number one faith...from their angle.

Anyway, he then told me that his main audience, he hopes, are Mormons themselves. He asked me if I watched the video...what I thought of it, and if it was accurate. I told him I had watched some, not all, and my reasoning for that is to understand what people like him actually think I believe. He asked me what I thought was incorrect. While many things were distorted and misrepresented in the video, I took the most issue with the explanation that we feel we work our way to Heaven....downplaying the role of Jesus Christ. So I told him so.

I said, "To say that I believe I can work my way to Heaven...that's just a plain lie, and actually quite insulting. I can do NOTHING without Jesus Christ and I'm sad that you don't understand that. Jesus Christ is the reason for everything. He saved me. I wouldn't be anywhere without His suffering. I do not believe I can work my way to Heaven. And the way I see works, why wouldn't or shouldn't I want to DO good, if I love my Savior?? I want to be like Him, follow His teachings. That's just a lie to downplay how much we rely on the Savior's sacrifice. It's just a lie."

The man could not think. He honestly could not think of a thing to say. He was surprised, overwhelmed and kept stumbling over his words. Not much was said after that. We hugged, went back to our booths...and that was pretty much it.

I'm getting emotional as I type this out, because it was seriously a major faith-building experience for me. What will I say with no name tag? Can I tell when the appropriate time is to say something? How can I express myself passionately, but in a calm and loving manor? I feel good about how it all happened, and I'm thankful for the Spirit.

I know that man is a good man. I could feel it. He's just trying to figure everything out. I doubt he'll ever forget our interaction. I know I won't.

If anyone reads this, who doesn't know what I believe, let me tell you. I know, that without Jesus Christ, I'm a broken person. Christ is who makes me whole. He heals me on a daily basis. I've struggled a lot, with so very many things. But it's my Savior who helps me overcome. I am not working my way to Heaven. If I was, I'd never get there. There's no possible way. I need the Savior. To be honest, I've tried working my way to Heaven...just because, I was a lost individual with a hurting soul. I didn't understand the atonement. I just kept thinking there was no hope, because I could never be perfect. I would never get there. I didn't understand what my Savior could do for me, but I know now. I don't have to do a dang thing for my Savior to love me. He already does...and he already did suffer, die, and rise again...for me. Why do I do? Because I love Him. Because life is about choices. Because I have agency, and I choose to follow Him. Because faith is an action word. Because I want to refine my soul. Because I want to be like Him. Because I want to bring others to Him. Because I love Him. That's why I do.

Feeling nostalgic...

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic today. And yesterday. I've just got to say, I really love my brother and sister.

I've had so many good times with these two.

And, I can't leave this lovely addition out.

Bobby's added a great measure of happiness to my life.

Sometimes I miss the days right after I returned home from my mission. Bobby and Kayleen became my best friends. We'd have family dinner every Sunday night, and then we'd go back to Bobby's place and watch a movie...every Sunday night. We had many nights of sushi or happy hour and Standford's. Those were good days. Many of my happiest days are tied to them. Sitting in the temple, watching them be sealed to one another and to God, happy happy day. That day was one of my best...which is funny, because it was THEIR wedding day. :)

And, of course, Perry's birth. Seriously another best day ever. I remember sitting down the hall from Kayleen's room with Kevin, and we could hear Perry's first cries. I'll always remember the look between Kevin and I as we heard her first cry. It was incredible...and I'm glad Kevin and I got to be there for our little niece's entry into the world.

I'm super thankful for my family. I love where I'm at in life. I feel confident, able and I feel like I'm progressing toward goodness. But I do miss my family, and I think...somewhere down the road, I'll end up closer to them again.

Try this.

I dare you. I DARE you to try this recipe.

You will be a changed human being. You will. I'm serious.

Stuffed Sweet Acorn Squash (or stuffed peppers)

2-3 peppers (cored)

1 lb ground beef or mix of beef, sausage and turkey

1 chopped onion

1 finely chopped apple

½ cup chopped craisins

¼ cup chopped nuts (I use pecans usually)

1 tsp thyme

1 tsp oregano

½ tsp sage  (I use 1 heaping tsp of poultry seasoning)

Coconut oil

Salt, pepper

If using squash, preheat oven to 400 degrees.  Cut the squash in half, and scoop out the seeds and any stringy stuff.  Place the squash cut side up in a large baking pan, and put a tablespoon of water in each “cup” and pour ¼ cup of water into the bottom of the pan.  Loosely “tent” the pan with aluminum foil and bake for 30-35 minutes.  Prepare filling while squash is baking.

If using peppers, after cutting off the tops and coring them, place whole peppers into a pan of boiling water and cook for about 5-10 minutes.  Remove from water and place in a baking dish open side up.

Filling:  Chop onion, apple, pecans and craisins.  Saute the beef and onion in a little coconut oil for 2-3 minutes, then add pecans, craisins, apples and herbs.  Add salt and pepper.  Do not completely cook this mixture.  Fill peppers or squash; they will be overflowing and that’s okay.  Bake uncovered for 15-20 minutes in a slightly reduced heat oven (about 375).

FYI: You do not need coconut oil. I used a little olive oil. AND, use a mixture of meat. It makes it that much tastier. (I use sausage and hamburger.) But if you don't use a mixture, no worries; it will still change you're life.

Open Doors

I've jumped on a wave, and I'm riding it.

Life is busy here in DC. Good and busy.

Here's the gist on my job.

This is not the job I talked about in my last post. No...this job is completely different. The job in my last post was a major long shot. I got the interview because of the LDS listserve. Someone posted the opening, I contacted her about it, she hooked me up, and I got an interview. I, however, was not skilled enough. It was an editing position in the marketing/advertisement department of Navy National Credit Union. Let's be honest. I'm not an editor. I do know many more rules of grammar than the average person, but it is not my favorite part of writing. It's the "math" of English and written communication...and I prefer the creative side of writing. Plus, this was editing of marketing material, which is actually extremely different from editing prose or articles. I really wanted a job in my "field" but I was apprehensive about taking the editing job (if it were offered to me) because I didn't want to get trapped in the math of of communication.

Well, I was not offered the job. But it didn't even phase me, because another, more appealing door opened before I was even supposed to hear back from the first door.

Last Monday I saw another post on the listserve. It was an invitation for a two-day temp. job stuffing envelopes at Morality In Media, a nonprofit organization that fights against pornography. I had seen a posting a few days earlier regarding an open position in that same organization. I had contemplated applying for it, but wasn't sure I was fully qualified. I decided to participate in the temp work, and while there I talked to the Executive Director about the job opening. It was still open. We sat down and had an interview right there. She liked me...a lot. So I sent her my resume that night. The next day, I showed up for day two of temp work, and she offered me the position, and she asked me to start that day.

I've wanted to work for a nonprofit organization for a while. It's been something I've thought about ever since starting my communication journey. Nonprofits provide TONS of opportunity for growth, learning different aspects of the business...and tons of chances to use communication skills. This job will open LOTS of doors and give me tons of experience. I'll be heading up the communication aspect, making contacts with the media, writing letters of inquiry and grant proposals, letters to donors, press releases and even articles for newspapers. I'll also be helping with the funding aspect of the organization, organizing funding efforts, researching different foundations and figuring out to whom we need to send grant proposals, who we should follow up with...so on a so forth. It's really going to push me, teach me...and I'm super excited about it.

Doors are opening...and I'm walking through them. :)

Oi to the Vey

TIRED.

I had an interview today.

It was far away.

I figured out the metro stuff...

But I didn't understand the bus stuff.

So I walked the rest of the way. For one HOUR.

The humidity and my sweat caused my hair to rebel.

The dew in the grass (and not enough sidewalks) caused my shoes to get wet and grassy.

But it looked like my mission, so that was fun!

Ant hills and everything. :)

I walked into the interview looking like a HOT MESS. Literally. I felt the need to apologize for my appearance, especially my hair. So...I did.

I then walked back to the metro station. I got lost, so this took me longer than walking to the interview....probably an hour and a half.

I found a 711 and bought these. Two for three dollars.

I then got off on the wrong stop. Had to wait several minutes for the next metro line. And finally made it home.

I left the house at 7:30 a.m. and made it home at 2:15 p.m. The interview lasted 1 hour and 15 minutes. My legs hurt.

But I'm happy!

And now I get to walk 30 minutes to look at an apartment I might possibly rent.

Between all the walking and no money for food, I'm gonna get sooooooooo skinny. ;)

I think I'm going to scream

Sometimes...okay, all the time, I get a little frustrated with the mindset of many people in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Let me preface this post by saying, I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the church Jesus Christ established on the earth when He walked the earth and the church that He instructed Joseph Smith to restore. I believe the Gospel that is taught within the church buildings (and outside) is true, and I believe God's authority resides in this church. I do NOT, however...do NOT believe the people of the church are perfect...or even know what the *hay* they're talking about half the time.

So, with that said, I will continue with my post.

This blog will probably make me sound extremely frustrated. In all actuality, I'm not half as frustrated as my writing will probably lead you to believe. But, my frustration does go in spurts, so...whatever that means.

Women are treated like ticking time bombs...or, maybe a better comparison, ripening fruit. Temple marriage, coupled with motherhood is the END ALL BE ALL of this life. You have arrived once these two things take place. Until then...each year that passes without these two things happening causes you to ripen, blossom...and ultimately rot. In everyone's minds (yes...I'm overstating), you're just filling time until those things happen. You can't honestly enjoy your life...you're just biding time...hoping, praying, yearning for these things to happen.

How many times have you heard someone give a talk or a lesson in church who says, "All our children served full-time missions and are now sealed in the temple." They say this as if it's some trophy they can raise up to the world. Look at how GREAT my parenting skills are!!! We made it! We got our children to the freakin' finish line!!!

First of all, that's not the finish line. Second, does that mean my mom is a horrible mother? One of her children was married in the temple, but the other two...I may never marry, and Kevin may never serve a mission. Does that mean we're bad? Does that mean my mom is a bad mother? My step-dad is a bad father-figure?

Once, I attended the temple sealing and wedding reception of a good friend. She's younger than I am. As I was mingling at the wedding reception, I heard the bride's mother say, "Finally, my last one is married. I can breathe now. She's off my plate of responsibility," or something to that effect. Quite disturbing...for a 27-year-old single woman to hear that.

I especially get tired of needing to explain all of my life choices to people...on a daily basis, it seams. Once I've finished my explanation of how I'm spending my time here on earth, I hear a lot of "good-for-you's"...with tones of "I feel sad for you, but at least you're trying to make something of your life, since your main purpose doesn't seem to be a possibility." Seriously...that tone. Ohhhh, how it erks me.

I'm going to be perfectly HONEST. There have been very few times I felt like the "marriage type." Even when I was younger, I couldn't really grasp the idea of ever getting married. And quite frankly, I've never had a ton of options. I'm not a girl who turns boys' heads as I walk past. I'm not someone who is frequently asked out on dates. I can get dates...and usually, when I do, the boy sticks around for a while. But it's not as easy for me as it is for some women. I don't, nor have I ever (except for a brief time when the prospect of marriage was a reality for me) thought in terms of "pre-marriage/post-marriage." I am not biding my time until marriage and babies come into my life. I do not measure my worth on how many dates I get per year. And I do not worry about when I will get married or have babies.

Usually, if I do worry, I'm more worried about what other people are thinking about me. That's my biggest weakness. I don't like people to pity me...or look down on me...or wonder why I'm not married. Those are my worries...the thoughts of others. BUT, I'm rarely EVER worried about the actuality of those things happening, because I KNOW they will happen in the Lord's time. Whenever I pray about it (which is honestly a rare occurrence, because seriously...marriage is not on the forefront of my mind) I feel peace. I feel calm. I feel like I do not need to worry or stress about it, because the Lord's got it covered. It will happen when it's supposed to...and I just need to focus on becoming the best me, for me. And for the Lord. Not for boys...not to be more lovable by boys. But to be more Godlike. More loving and understanding of other people. To be HAPPY with myself!

So when people approach me with that tone...that "gosh it must be hard not to be fulfilling your divine destiny as a wife and a mother" tone...I just want to scream. Either that or walk away. Because I just don't have the energy to try and educate 85% of the Mormon population on the fact that I'm seriously okay...and I don't spend every waking minute thinking about how I'm single.

Maybe, if you all print this blog post out, and read it to the people you encounter...you can do the work for me. :)

I'm so excited for D.C. I'm excited to live on my own far away from everything I know, to further my education in a field I'm passionate about, to make new friends and meet a diverse group of people...to live MY life...the life God has given me!