Sometimes...okay, all the time, I get a little frustrated with the mindset of many people in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Let me preface this post by saying, I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the church Jesus Christ established on the earth when He walked the earth and the church that He instructed Joseph Smith to restore. I believe the Gospel that is taught within the church buildings (and outside) is true, and I believe God's authority resides in this church. I do NOT, however...do NOT believe the people of the church are perfect...or even know what the *hay* they're talking about half the time.
So, with that said, I will continue with my post.
This blog will probably make me sound extremely frustrated. In all actuality, I'm not half as frustrated as my writing will probably lead you to believe. But, my frustration does go in spurts, so...whatever that means.
Women are treated like ticking time bombs...or, maybe a better comparison, ripening fruit. Temple marriage, coupled with motherhood is the END ALL BE ALL of this life. You have arrived once these two things take place. Until then...each year that passes without these two things happening causes you to ripen, blossom...and ultimately rot. In everyone's minds (yes...I'm overstating), you're just filling time until those things happen. You can't honestly enjoy your life...you're just biding time...hoping, praying, yearning for these things to happen.
How many times have you heard someone give a talk or a lesson in church who says, "All our children served full-time missions and are now sealed in the temple." They say this as if it's some trophy they can raise up to the world. Look at how GREAT my parenting skills are!!! We made it! We got our children to the freakin' finish line!!!
First of all, that's not the finish line. Second, does that mean my mom is a horrible mother? One of her children was married in the temple, but the other two...I may never marry, and Kevin may never serve a mission. Does that mean we're bad? Does that mean my mom is a bad mother? My step-dad is a bad father-figure?
Once, I attended the temple sealing and wedding reception of a good friend. She's younger than I am. As I was mingling at the wedding reception, I heard the bride's mother say, "Finally, my last one is married. I can breathe now. She's off my plate of responsibility," or something to that effect. Quite disturbing...for a 27-year-old single woman to hear that.
I especially get tired of needing to explain all of my life choices to people...on a daily basis, it seams. Once I've finished my explanation of how I'm spending my time here on earth, I hear a lot of "good-for-you's"...with tones of "I feel sad for you, but at least you're trying to make something of your life, since your main purpose doesn't seem to be a possibility." Seriously...that tone. Ohhhh, how it erks me.
I'm going to be perfectly HONEST. There have been very few times I felt like the "marriage type." Even when I was younger, I couldn't really grasp the idea of ever getting married. And quite frankly, I've never had a ton of options. I'm not a girl who turns boys' heads as I walk past. I'm not someone who is frequently asked out on dates. I can get dates...and usually, when I do, the boy sticks around for a while. But it's not as easy for me as it is for some women. I don't, nor have I ever (except for a brief time when the prospect of marriage was a reality for me) thought in terms of "pre-marriage/post-marriage." I am not biding my time until marriage and babies come into my life. I do not measure my worth on how many dates I get per year. And I do not worry about when I will get married or have babies.
Usually, if I do worry, I'm more worried about what other people are thinking about me. That's my biggest weakness. I don't like people to pity me...or look down on me...or wonder why I'm not married. Those are my worries...the thoughts of others. BUT, I'm rarely EVER worried about the actuality of those things happening, because I KNOW they will happen in the Lord's time. Whenever I pray about it (which is honestly a rare occurrence, because seriously...marriage is not on the forefront of my mind) I feel peace. I feel calm. I feel like I do not need to worry or stress about it, because the Lord's got it covered. It will happen when it's supposed to...and I just need to focus on becoming the best me, for me. And for the Lord. Not for boys...not to be more lovable by boys. But to be more Godlike. More loving and understanding of other people. To be HAPPY with myself!
So when people approach me with that tone...that "gosh it must be hard not to be fulfilling your divine destiny as a wife and a mother" tone...I just want to scream. Either that or walk away. Because I just don't have the energy to try and educate 85% of the Mormon population on the fact that I'm seriously okay...and I don't spend every waking minute thinking about how I'm single.
Maybe, if you all print this blog post out, and read it to the people you encounter...you can do the work for me. :)
I'm so excited for D.C. I'm excited to live on my own far away from everything I know, to further my education in a field I'm passionate about, to make new friends and meet a diverse group of people...to live MY life...the life God has given me!
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9 comments:
I like this a lot. (This is a subject I've actually been studying a lot for myself lately. Ridiculous, I know. I'm maybe a little young to think of these things.)
However, I think the East Coast will be good for you. Saints out here tend to be a lot more welcoming of the concept. (:
Fantastic! Thank you for your words! I spent some time with two friends from high school on Saturday. They spoke with that "gosh it must be hard to not be fullfilling your divine destiny...." tone that you mentioned. I was so bugged! I tried mercilessly to convey I am really okay with it. Maybe I will post a link to your blog ;)
I wish you a fantastic time in DC! It will be such a fun adventure! I wish I was that brave to move somewhere new. I can't wait to read your experiences and feelings of living on the East Coast :)
I went to my mother's ward a few weeks back for my baby brother's farewell, and let me tell you, I avoided specific people who I knew (and who were my own age) that would tell me how much of a waste I was making of my life because I wasn't married. I literally wanted to punch my grandmother in the face the other day when she asked me if I was maybe setting my standards too high and that's why I wasn't married or dating. When I told her I didn't WANT to get married yet, she just had this depressed look in her face. So now that I AM dating someone, after only about a week or so about being "public" my family is already planning the wedding, while I'm just trying to figure out how this relationship is going to work with all of it's differences... Frustrating as hell...
I'm proud of what you are doing and I'm really SO jealous! If I had your skills and talents I hope I'd be doing the same, or something similar.
I'm sorry that there are so many within the culture of the church that can be so condescending. I remember when I was single it felt like everyone was trying to make me feel guilty for being happy. I literally had people tell me I wasn't worthy to be happy.
I'm so glad that you are living your life and continuing to educate yourself and to learn and grow. There are so many (especially women) within the church who feel that marriage is the end all be all and so they just sit and wait, in hopes that Prince Charming will come along and sweep them off their feet. My wife and I have discussed many times how we are happier in our marriage because we both chose to be complete individuals while we were single. We both choose to continue education, careers and personal development on our own. This made it so that we both brought more to the marriage and we are both happier for it.
One more thing: Unfortunately, it doesn't stop after you get married. My wife and I have had a difficult time trying to have children. We wish it could be as easy as it is for others. But we've accepted that we will be blessed in the Lord's time. For other people, the Lord's time is not good enough. We've been told we're selfish, as well as other judgmental things because we don't have children.
You just keep living your life and keep following the spirit. Other people will say things that are completely inappropriate, but that's just how life is I guess.
P.S. Sorry I just wrote a novel in your comments. :)
Yeah....I hear that too. One thing I think you should follow up on this blogpost is the ever increasing choice of choosing an 18 or 19 year old girl over some girl in their 20s. I have my own theories on that but I would live to hear yours too?
haha Crystal you crack me up. I totally agree with you! I got the same tone when people kept asking me why I haven't had 5 kids by now. Do they realize some things are out of our hands? And who are they to even ask that. It's none of their business! One of my best friends lives right outside of DC! I want you guys to meet! Let me know where you will be living! Also, I love your music you have on your blog.
Awesome blog post, Crystal! :) Thanks for sharing it. I think you're basically stating something that TONS of people tend to feel in the church.
For what it's worth most of them probably have good intentions, but that doesn't make it any less problematic.
Also, and I could be totally wrong on this but I would be willing to bet that there are some people out there that need to feel secure about where they are in life and so pushing others to do the same makes them feel less worried that they aren't doing what they really want to be doing. Not to say that all married people are secretly miserable by any stretch. I've definitley had friends though that felt very bogged down and stressed out by marriage/parenting responsibilities and I think they tended to lash out a little bit at me because in their mind I wasn't "playing by the rules".
So find what makes you happy and pursue it. There is not organization or lifestyle that has a monopoly on human happiness and mileage may vary. ;)
Whether I'll ever get married or not I have no idea. In the mean time I have plenty of awesome things to enjoy and love, and I'm surrounded by awesome family members and adorable nephews and a niece.
I think every single LDS person feels like this sometimes. It can be very frustrating when well-intentioned people come up and make insensitive comments. You know they don't mean to hurt you, but it's still not fun. Esp when they have no idea how hard you are trying or how much effort you are putting in, or what the desires of your heart are.
Speaking from the male perspective there is a lot of pressure to be married for guys as well. Would I have liked to be married when I was younger? Yes! Would I like to be married now? To the right person for me? With all my heart. Can I work towards those goals, doing my best, while still enjoying life, and being happy with what God has helped (and is helping) me to accomplish? Yes Indeed!
Too often people wanting these good things for us, (marriage, kids, etc) try to locate a "reason" for our apparent failures. What they fail to remember is that none of us is the same. We are all on our own unique specialized plan of salvation, and as you point out, things happen on the Lord's time.
Crystal I love this post! Marriage really is not the end all. I hope you did not get the sickening tone from my mother and I. I am really happy for you and your new adventures. Sometimes as a mom I envy those who are single. Plus, I see how hard it is on my sister and even though I haven't walked a mile in both of your shoes, I can understand how frustrating it is. Even as a mom I get tired of the stereotypes and the pompous comments. If your brother doesn't feel like he shouldn't serve a mission then that's his prerogative. It doesn't mean that he has failed or that you mom has failed. Your mom is wonderful and we are all human. None of us is prone to adversity. I'm happy you get to pursue your dreams! I do not feel sorry for you Crystal.
(I mean that in the best sense)
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