Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know know?
Somehow I cannot hide who I am, thought I try.
When will my reflection show who I am inside?
I love Mulan. Good movie.
I've been reflecting a lot this summer. I've done a ton of fun things, and I plan on spending some time uploading pictures from the events of my good summer.
I love my niece, Perry. I love my sister and bro-in law and the good parents they are. I love my mom and the wonderful Grandma she is. I love every aspect of this new little being in our lives.
One thing I've been feeling, however, is like a failure. A failure at life. It's hard not to compare myself to everyone around me. And, I suppose you can say I've been comparing. I'm usually not one to get jealous. And I can still say, I'm not jealous. Jealousy, to me, seems like a feeling of wishing I could have what someone else has but can't have it, and because of that, not wanting the "someone else" to have it. That's not what I feel at all. What I feel is failure. I love...absolutely LOVE that the people in my life are succeeding at everything they do. I really do love that. And I don't even necessarily want what other people have. Honestly...not sure I'm ready for a kid. Honestly...not sure I'm ready for an intense career.
What I am ready for is a direction. A purpose. I have no direction...and no purpose. I don't love where I'm at.
I'm finally making progression toward something. I'm applying to a graduate program in D.C. I'm hoping with all my heart and soul that I get accepted, because it's honestly the only thing that's excited me in the least. Every other so-called "plan" I've come up with just isn't making my heart happy or putting my mind at peace. But this D.C. prospect is. It makes me feel peace. So, I hope so much it's the right thing and works. It's the only program I've felt good about...and I've looked at TONS of programs.
So, here's to hope. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm a failure at life. I'm so tired of living day to day without a purpose. I need a direction. I'm trying to make it happen. Let's all hope together.
H--High Confidence
O--Optimism
P--Patient Perseverance
E--Enthusiasm
I will hope.
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1 comment:
You're freakin awesome. I think all of us (and definitely me) have felt this. I hope things work out with D.C. (except for the fact that it is FAR AWAY!!!) Love you :)
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