Scary movies, deadlines, graduation, living in the moment

Here are a few thoughts...

Why do people (myself included) enjoy watching scary movies? I'm talking the stupid, pointless, gross kind, where the entire movie consists of someone being chased down and terrorized, and then finally killed at the end? Why? Why did I watch that? It's like, I knew it was stupid, pointless, and filling my mind with worthless images and ideas...and yet, I was drawn to it...couldn't turn away.

I can't handle more than one big decision/process/application at one time. I just can't. Emotionally and mentally. It's like, once I get over one hurdle, I want to relax a bit before jumping the next one. A big hurdle was finding an internship. I found one, but then needed to apply for financial aid. I still haven't jumped that hurdle completely...because things keep going wrong with that stupid process. Because I've had a hard time jumping that hurdle, I never took the time to jump the GRE hurdle. Which means I've missed the deadline to take the last test for this year, and I have to wait until February. Which means I won't start grad school until the Fall...at least. I need to force myself to get enough mental and emotional momentum to continue jumping hurdles without needing a rest.

I can't believe I finally graduate from BYU-I in less than 2 months... If I can come up with enough money to pay for tuition in order to make this internship count. My time at BYU-I has been like my mission...I never thought it would end. Now that it's here...I'm super sad. I loved my time there so much. Especially this last year. GOOD times.

I've gone up and down with my internship...why did I come here, was it the right decision, are the things I'm learning worthwhile for my future...? I've decided to live in the moment. And right now I'm really appreciative of who I work with. I laugh every day, I'm learning lots, and I've made a good new friend. So, all in all, it's a good thing. There's a lot of good to be found.

I've decided that one of my purposes in life is to be a friend to people. I decided this several days ago. Just from the way my life is heading...I really just think that's one of my purposes. It doesn't mean I'm the best at it. I'm not. But I'm becoming better because of the people who allow me to be their friend. :) As I'm typing this I'm thinking of many different individuals...who have all taught me something different. I'm blessed to know the people I know. I'm blessed to have friends and to be a friend.

A quote from the movie "Marvin's Room" has stuck in my mind for years and years. The older sister, Bessie, has taken care of her dying parents for years (or one parent? It's been a while since I've seen it). She finds out she's dying from leukemia, and to her younger sister (whom she has had a strained relationship with up to this point because the younger sister didn't stay to help take care of the parents) Bessie says, "I've been so lucky, I've had so much love in my life." Lee, the younger sister, says, "Yes, they love you very much," referring to their parents. And then Lee says, "No, I'm lucky that I've been able to give so much love." That's always stuck with me...ever since watching it, years ago. I feel the same. I don't always act that way...but I feel that way, and I want to try to show and give my love better.

The Art of Happiness

So, I've been reading this book. It's by the Dalai Lama and Howard C Cutler, M.D. Last night I read a passage that really stuck out to me. It's in the chapter called "Human Warmth and Compassion." The book talks about how relationships, intimacy, compassion and so on are all major parts of our happiness. But, today in Western culture, we don't always put the right definition on these words: intimacy, compassion, romance. This specific passage is about compassion and love. The first is about the possible dangerous form of compassion...the second about the true genuine form of compassion.

The Dalai Lama says-
"...I think there is often a danger of confusing compassion with attachment. So when we discuss compassion, we must first make a distinction between two types of love or compassion. One kind of compassion is tinged with attachment--the feeling of controlling someone, or loving someone so that person will love you back. This ordinary type of love or compassion is quite partial and biased. And a relationship based on that alone is unstable. That kind of partial relationship, based on perceiving and identifying the person as a friend, may lead to a certain emotional attachment and feeling of closeness. But if there is a slight change in the situation, a disagreement perhaps, or if your friend does something to make you angry, then all of a sudden your mental projection changes; the concept of 'my friend' is no longer there. Then you'll find the emotional attachment evaporating, and instead of that feeling of love and concern, you may have a feeling of hatred. So, that kind of love, based on attachment, can be closely linked with hatred."

Wow.

"But there is a second type of compassion that is free from such attachment. That is genuine compassion. That kind of compassion isn't so much based on the fact that this person or that person is dear to me. Rather, genuine compassion is based on the rationale that all human beings have an innate desire to be happy and overcome suffering, just like myself. And, just like myself, they have the natural right to fulfill this fundamental aspiration. On the basis of the recognition of this equality and commonality, you develop a sense of affinity and closeness with others. With this as a foundation, you can feel compassion regardless of whether you view the other person as a friend or an enemy. It is based on the other's fundamental rights rather than your own mental projection. Upon this basis, then, you will generate love and compassion."

That first paragraph is so true, to me anyway. That's the type of love and compassion I've had for many people throughout my life, and I've had to learn how to rip myself away from that type of compassion, and morph into the other. The other is so much more healthy and consistent, so I've found in my own personal experience. The first type seems more sincere at first, but I hate to admit...many times it does evolve into feelings of anger toward the other person if something goes wrong. Is that true compassion? No. I don't know why I ever thought it was. Ah, life...one big learning process.

Anyway, this isn't an extremely exciting post. But it hit me, so I wanted to share. I find the Dalai Lama to be very wise. :)

Good things

*People who care
*A random text saying "thinking about you"
*A random phone call (when texting has lost its charm)
*Moms who seem to never get annoyed, no matter how much you turn to them for advice or comfort
*Seeing sister missionaries all over and surrounding Temple Square
*Seeing a good friend after a few months
*Feeling passionate about an idea
*Creating something
*A good book (I'm reading The Art of Happiness right now...by the Dalai Lama and some random psychiatrist.)
*Connecting with people
*Being trusted
*Prayer
*A bus driver who remembers you and talks to you every time you get on (guarantees you'll never miss it if your head's buried in a book when the bus arrives:))
*Music
*Good movies that make you laugh, cry, and ponder all in one sitting
*Cousins

There are more. But these are the good things filling my mind today. :)

Makeover

Let's face it. My blog has needed a pick-me-up for a long time. That other template was just...blah. But, for the past two years I just haven't wanted to deal with a new blog template, because I felt like my words should speak for themselves. I also knew I'd be really picky about the look of my blog. So, I avoided it.

Well, my cousin Lacey is with me this weekend. And she agreed that I needed a new template. So, she took me on a template ride. Just as I was afraid of, it took me FOREVER to pick one. Why do I take it so seriously? I'm not sure. I'm thinking it has to do with image.

I have a really hard time with image. That's why I love writing so much. I feel confident and capable through words...especially the written word. But my image...I still feel like a child. I don't love makeup...I don't love dressing up...I don't love doing my hair. When I try to dress like an "adult" I'm always desperate for help from a sister, cousin or friend. I hate high heels...with a passion. And I feel like I'm playing dress-up when I try to dress in a suit outfit. So, I suppose my blog is the same. What template would really portray me? I settled on this "solitude" looking template, because it's how I feel when I write.

I want my image to be inviting. I want people to feel safe, secure and important when they're around me. I don't want people to feel insecure, stupid or vulnerable around me. What kind of clothes and style portray that? Goodness, if it took me forever to choose a new blog template, imagine how long it will take me to form my own self image. :)

Faults

I can't stand when people judge or talk about people behind their backs.

But do you know what I realized today?

I talk about people who talk about people. Yep. I'm just as bad. I just target my venting/gossiping/behind-the-back-talking at people who I witness or overhear judging, making fun of, or talk about innocent (or whom I presume to be innocent) victims.

So, I realize I'm really not any better...shouldn't hold myself above...and need to focus on myself.

This is my most recently discovered fault, and newest goal to get rid of. I find these daily...I just decided to post this one for some reason. Maybe to make sure I follow through with my goal to eliminate this fault.

Adding some heat to the fire

This is my blog. I'm going to say what I feel.

President Boyd K. Packer's talk---controversial. Understandably so. I will admit right here and right now that I did not whole heartedly agree with every statement I heard, or thought I heard, coming out of his mouth. For instance, in his original address given on Sunday he states, "Some suppose that they were pre- set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, he is our Father.”

As I heard this my ears perked up, and I immediately asked the people I was with, "Did he just say that God would never allow us to be born with same gender attraction tendencies?" The people I was with agreed that this is what he said and intended.

I made a note in my journal, "Ponder and ask God if what President Packer is saying is true." And then I continued listening to the rest of conference.

I know individuals, on a personal level, who deal with different same-gender issues. What I thought I heard disturbed me, because I could understand how people, with these struggles and trials, would hurt to hear that what they've been feeling, possibly their whole lives, would never be something they were born with because God wouldn't do that to them. There are many people who have struggled with these feelings their whole lives, but they choose not to act upon their feelings. Hearing "You're not born with it, God is our Father and wouldn't do that to us," would be hard to hear...especially for people who've struggled with this for as long as they can remember.

Okay, so, I pondered and prayed. And I came to terms with what he said on my own level. Then, yesterday, I heard that Pres. Packer changed some of his talk in the printed format.

The new version changes a few things. "Some suppose that they were preset and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn temptations toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Remember, God is our Heavenly Father." He excluded the line "Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone?"

You can listen to the original talk here and follow along by reading the updated version here.

The brethren are allowed to look over and alter anything that may have deterred from the intended meaning or message of the talk. See this article. Pres. Boyd K. Packer simply changed a few things in order to emphasise what he truly intended.

This is what I believe he truly intended, after praying, pondering, and now reading the altered wording. What I thought I heard was wrong. This is what I hear now, even in the original version. "Some suppose that they were pre- set and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, he is our Father.” Heavenly Father would never make it impossible for us to overcome any weakness or tendency that will lead us into sin. Having these tendencies is not the sin. Giving into and acting upon the temptation is. "Overcome," to me, simply means to not give in. We can't always pray our weaknesses and tendencies away. If someone is an alcoholic, he/she will always be an alcoholic. That will never go away. But, with the help of God, an alcoholic can overcome the temptation to partake of the alcohol, and can live an alcohol free life. This goes for any weakness or tendency, mental or physical. We can't always pray them away, but we can pray for the power to overcome the temptation.

I know that Pres. Boyd K. Packer is a man of God. I know he speaks truth. I also know that it is okay to question authority, as long as I do it humbly and sincerely. Nephi didn't just follow his father blindly. He sought the inspiration and guidance from the Lord, wanting to know for himself that his father's words were true. And the Lord confirmed to Nephi that what his father said was true. (Go here to read the actual account, specifically verse 16.) I believe this is what we all must do. Questioning is not what is bad. Pride is. I'm thankful for prayer. I'm thankful for the scriptures. I'm thankful for the prophet and apostles, for the priesthood, for the restoration of the fullness of Jesus Christ's gospel. I know what I know, and my witness is true. :)

These are my thoughts and beliefs. You're welcome to share your thoughts and beliefs with me. I'm open to anything. :)

I'm doing it

I don't even care anymore. I'm writing a book. I'm doing it. I'm setting aside my fears, misgivings, and doubts about my abilities, and I'm just jumping in. I'm writing a book. I have enough experiences, emotions and thoughts to be able to spew out some kind of interesting novel. I'm doing it. Don't try to stop me.