Free falling

*Warning: Deep, lengthy thoughts below. Read at your own risk. :)


This past year has been full of tears for me. They just fall and fall and fall. Freely. But not until I've stationed myself in a secluded environment. I've become a bit more private about my tears this year.

I've experienced great disappointment this year. Mostly in the fact that people are human, including myself, and we all hurt and get hurt...sometimes with intention behind the hurt, but more often than not, unintentionally. I know I've hurt people...mostly unintentionally. There are few times I can count where I've whole-heartedly intended on hurting someone. I do know of a few of those times...and I'm not proud of them. But, usually when I hurt someone, it's unintentional. But it happens just the same. I'm human, and sometimes I don't know how to handle delicate situations, subjects, information and so on. Sometimes I don't understand the importance of something to someone. Sometimes I don't take the time to listen. All these things are unintentional, but hurtful none-the-less.

Trust is a delicate thing. I think we all have a deep, passionate desire to be able to trust some physical, human being...completely...with everything we feel and hold inside of us. The fact is, we are all human. Even in marriage (and no, I'm not married...but I know many who are) certain information isn't handled well by the other partner at all times. And this is because we're human. We don't always know exactly how to react...nor do our views always line up with the other person's, no matter how much we love that person. I do believe that a good, Christ-centered marriage (which I'm blessed to have so many examples of from many of my friends and family) is the closest we can come to putting our whole hearts and trust into someone here in the flesh without getting completely demolished mentally and emotionally. And the only reason I believe that is the case, is because that's the way God intended it. One day, together, a sealed couple...who's made mistakes, fumbled, messed up, but continued to try, will make it to the Celestial Kingdom...man, woman, together. That's the plan. God's plan.

But sometimes...that's hard. For me, it is. Because I don't have a man. But this is not an "I hate being single" pitty party. I promise. Because even if I did have a man, all my needs still wouldn't be met. I just yearn to have someone here whom I can trust completely, confide in whole-heartedly. But in reality, that just can't happen. Only Jesus Christ and God can handle that responsibility. Or, they're the only ones who can handle it responsibly, the way it needs to be...the perfect way. But that's hard. Because I'm human.

And so, this year I've placed trust in people...or realized past trust placements...too much trust and too much information, with the expectation of perfect understanding and perfect results. This usually leads to a broken heart...painful experiences.

I often feel so wishy washy though...because I'm not saying to give up on trusting people. Not at all. Trusting and opening our hearts is a beautiful thing. God intends for us to have close friends and to help each other through difficult times. I'm just saying I need to learn and understand that everyone is human. And my hopes and happiness cannot depend on any one human being standing in front of me. That's what I meant in this post but maybe didn't get across quite so well...

Tears fell freely tonight. It's not easy being human. Luckily, Christ experienced it. So...at least He knows what I mean. :)