Blindly wandering around

*Warning: The following post is not well structured or well written. I just quickly spewed my thoughts out without going back to fine tune. Sorry.

The past few posts have been deeper than the average blog post. No pictures...no funny stories or thoughts. Mostly deep thoughts. I know it's not as exciting, and it's all just my own take on the world around me..."a look inside my mind" if you will. This post is yet another "what's in Crystal's mind right now" sort of post. Here we go.

I've been thinking about my life a lot lately. Honestly, I think too much. Really, I need to participate in more physical activities to help me get out of my head. But, it's what I do, and I enjoy it for the most part. I love to write, and in order to write well you have to be a thinker on some level. Whether it's about reality or fiction.

So, I've been thinking about my life. My weaknesses, my strengths. Here's a weakness...but not always: I love it when people love/like me a lot. There, I said it. Okay, I'm sure that's not surprising to anyone. And, it's probably not original. But I really really like it. I love to be loved. I also love to love. I love to make people laugh. Nothing makes me happier than when people think I'm funny. If I can get someone to crack up I feel like I've just landed on the moon or something. I also enjoy it when people say nice things about me...whether to my face or when I'm not looking, but I hear it later. I love how I'm just putting all these things here on my blog for all to read. But, I don't feel too private about these things, because I feel like everyone likes to be loved and noticed and appreciated to some degree. It's a natural thing. We all have needs and love it when they're met.

Anyway, my whole life I've tried to be the best. Not the best in comparison to other people (I'm really not into competition, I avoid it because I don't like getting shot down...possibly another weakness) but the best for me. The best person--make the right choices, basically be really likable. And there's nothing wrong with that. I think I should continue to try to be a good person, a likable person, a person who can make people laugh. But sometimes, because I was always trying so hard, I felt like if I ever slipped it was the end of the world. I felt like I was a bad person if I ever slipped...wasn't happy, couldn't make someone laugh, got in a fight, had a mean thought...I felt evil. And, because so many saw what I was showing, I'd hear things like, "Crystal's so mature for her age," and "Crystal's got a good head on her shoulders." These were phrases that I loved hearing...it meant I was accomplishing my goals. But, I always lived in fear that I'd fail, and then people wouldn't like me anymore, which eventually turned into a fear that if I failed God wouldn't like me anymore. This began to make me do everything out of obligation...to be a good person out of obligation...not because I wanted to but because I had to. I'm pretty sure I brought this on myself. Probably a little from weaknesses, a little from pride, a little from good intentions, a little from my obsessive nature.

I'm changing a bit. With change comes learning. I'm trying to balance it all...make it all fit together. I have this friend. She's about 20 years older than I. We talk quite frequently, and I find her to be extremely wise and real. She's seen some of my worst qualities. Seriously...the doubtful, depressed, questioning, intolerant, impatient me. And yet, she tells me all the time, "You're good. Really good." Honestly, when she'd first tell me I'm good, I just didn't get why. She always tells me she believes in me. I didn't understand it. She sees a lot of the bad of me...but sees the best in me. She tells me it's okay to not be perfect. If we were perfect, there'd be no reason to be here. I know we've all heard this before, but for some reason it really sticks and rings true when she says it. She says, "Crystal, why do you feel like you need to have all the answers? Who ever said we should get all the answers? Why do you feel like you need to please every single person but yourself? Why do you think God's love is conditional? Why do you feel other people's love is conditional, and if it is, why do you want it?" These were all crazy questions that I didn't, and still don't have the asnwers to. I don't exactly know why...but I'm starting to change.

I don't want to do things out of fear or obligation. I don't want to please people just to please people or feel good. I want to make people happy to make people happy. I don't want to be afraid of failure either, because I'll just waste my life away. I've done a lot of that. I have the potential to do a lot of good, but I think I get in the way of myself. I let fear of failure and disappointment to myself and others stop me from becoming great...great with pure motives.

So, I've learned that it's okay for me to wander around a bit. Test things out. Not know everything. Well, I don't think I've learned it...but I'm learning it. It's still hard for me. But, I'm learning that I'm still a loveable person even with my weaknesses, as long as I'm trying to overcome them. Not being extremely hard on myself, but recognizing my weaknesses and working on them with God's help. I'm realizing this is part of God's plan. We're all little kids just learning and growing. We don't have to be perfect for God to love us. Thank goodness for that.