Word Vomit

Today, in my persuasion class, I made a HUGE fool of myself.

We are often given situations, court cases, "what ifs" and so on and so forth for us as a class to analyze and discuss using the tools we've been taught and given. We are usually broken up into specific groups and have to argue our point logically and then come to a clear, logical conclusion with many facts pointing to that conclusion. Passion and emotion often lend to the convincing process and conclusion, but should not be the leading factors in persuading or coming to a specific conclusion.

Today, we were arguing a true case of a man being sentenced to death for murder in the state of Virginia. This man was an accomplice to another man, and the two of them went into a store, chose a man, followed him to his car, held him at gunpoint in his car and demanded his money. Then, directed him to an ATM at gunpoint, and demanded more money from him. Once they received the money, they drove him out to a field where they shot him 8 times, obviously killing him. The man we were discussing was Atkin. He, from much evidence researched and presented, was determined mildly mentally retarded. His IQ tested to be severely low, and he had a few other social handicaps. He, according to research, had the mental capacity of a 9-12 year old. He also, however, knew what he did was wrong, and doctors testified that he understood the criminal severity of his actions.

So, we were debating weather he should receive the death penalty, my teacher numbered us off, and I ended up in the prosecuting team. We had to prove why he should receive the death penalty. I was frustrated that our side was defeated from the beginning, nor were we given important information we needed to make a good case, such as the mental capacity of the other man involved. The info said nothing about the other man. We also didn't know anything about Atkin's living situation. For example, was he living on his own, did he shop for himself, did he pay bills? We didn't know any of this. We just knew his mental capacity from IQ testing.

Half way through I was so frustrated with the demonstration (especially because the apposing side was treating us as though we firmly believed what we were arguing with their looks and tone, when it was obviously a pretend trial) that I blurted out, "You know, I think it's impossible for us to even try to make a good case when we don't have all of the information available to us. We don't know what the other man involved is like...if he's just as "stupid" or not!" Yes. I said that. The word "stupid" in relation to a mildly mentally retarded man just flew out of my mouth. As I said this word I immediately felt HORRIBLE and like a complete moron, and it was obvious by everyone else's reactions (some laughed, some gasped, some had shocked faces) that they viewed me as an ignorant moron as well. It was the dumbest, worse thing I could say at that time, and my face immediately turned hot and bright red, and I started tripping over my words and finally said, "Now I feel completely stupid." Then my teacher said, "No, keep going, it's ok." And a friend of mine in the class said, "Don't be insecure."

Wow...it was awful. First of all, in NO way do I view people with mental disorders stupid. How that could fly out of my mouth...I'll never know. I know that some say what's deep inside a person will come out under pressure, and it sickens me to think that I would think that. I do NOT think that. The only conclusion I can come up with was how I felt during the moment. I was upset that we were set up to lose and that the class was treating us as though we should be stoned for the position we were holding. When I'm upset, sometimes things happen and the word "stupid" is often used, but this time it was used in a VERY wrong and inappropriate context.

Word vomit. I thought stuff like this doesn't happen in college. I thought embarrassing moments happen in middle school. Am I a late bloomer? I feel awful.