A look inside my mind: December 2013

Hi friends.

It's really hard for me to put into words the hardship of this stage in my life. It seems that, whenever I try to explain it to people, I only get confused looks and "yeah...buts." (Although, there are a few out there, while not in my position, have very graciously taken the time to put themselves in my shoes and have shown sincere empathy.) I can only assume that most people who look at my life view it as perfect, easy breezy, fun, adventure-filled, care-free...so on and so forth. And, admittedly, it is some of those things some of the time. Possibly all of those things some of the time...well, all but perfect. I thoroughly enjoy my life 85% of the time. I really do. But, enjoying my life does not come easy...although it may look easy. Just ask the many MANY bitter, hard-hearted, young-to-mid-single LDS adults out there. If you don't know many LDS mid-singles...I do. And let me tell you, it takes WORK. Major WORK to remain focused, happy, progressing and satisfied with life. A big chunk of them leave the church during this time...due to frustration, impatience, fears, loneliness, insecurities...that all seem to be magnified while you're waiting around to be chosen by an eternal companion...to start the life you've been taught your whole life you should be living. In fact, I know a good handful who have left the church just in the last year since moving to Seattle.

There are consistent fears hovering over me 24/7...fears that I know other singles feel, and fears I continue to put major effort into pushing out of my mind and heart. These fears include "I'm not, and never will, fulfill my divine potential." "How do I keep from becoming consumed with pride and selfishness without being a mother...a sacred role that forces selflessness?" "If I were to die, no one would miss me after two weeks. I'm nobody's constant somebody' like wives and mothers are." "Am I changing anyone's life for the better?" "I'm not worthy of motherhood." "I don't belong anywhere...I'm a misfit that the church...my family...EVERYONE doesn't know what to do with." My step-sister, Jonna, who didn't get married until she was 36 says it best with this line, "My constant prayer to God while I was single and alone was this: 'Please...just don't forget about me. Please God...don't forget I'm here."

Believe me, I am very aware that women out there who are wives and mothers have a few of these same fears...plus different fears...and I'm also very aware that it takes major WORK for EVERYONE, no matter the stage of life, to enjoy life. Some times are easier than others for everyone.

All I'm saying is...well. I don't know. I guess I'm saying that it's hard for my "kind" too, and it's nice when people acknowledge that. But, I guess the most important thing to remember is that God acknowledges it...He knows all of our hardships and struggles, no matter what stage of life we're in.

The past 6 months have brought me a lot of joy. Mostly because of the effort I've put into remaining happy, coupled with the Lord's help. I remember last year around this time, pleading with God that He'd help me have the desire to get close to people. That He'd bless me with the desire to participate in activities, make friends and feel a sense of 'belonging.' I kept it on the DL, but my experience in my first house in Seattle was less than pleasant. It wasn't necessarily one person's fault, but there were very different priorities and ideas of what "the pursuit of happiness" means...and while there was a lot of love in my heart for the home and the people in the home, my soul went through constant turmoil and struggle. Due to my inner-turmoil, it was hard for me to reach out to anyone. As I touched on in my last post, I really did have a chip on my shoulder. But, I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed some more.

Here's what happened. After constant prayer (both verbally, and the desires of my heart) and consistent effort, God blessed me with a "family." A family of singles who truly understand me and my struggles, need me, appreciate me, and care about me. He guided me to a new home...with one old and a couple new roommates. He gave me a calling that would stretch me and make me social. He put people in my path. He tugged at other people's hearts to help them make an effort with me. He gave me a "family."

I would sit here and write about each person who's touched my life here in Seattle...each person who's become a part of my "family," but I'm realizing it will take too much time. I've made bonds in the past several months that I know will never be broken. God has led me directly into these individuals' lives...and them into mine. We all feel it. It's not a coincidence that we're here, helping each other progress and be better. I've attended the temple more in the past few months than I have in years previous. Why? Because of the righteous influence of the people around me. I'm a better visiting teacher. I'm putting more effort into my calling because of the influence of others. We're all trying. And we'll be darned if we let each other fall through the cracks.

God won't let us fall through the cracks. It does take effort from us. It really does. But He loves us, and He won't forget about us. He doesn't want to lose us.

Here's a few pictures documenting experiences with my "family." :)